To wonder if I'm the only one with no help at all?

[Sofielou]

When I look around at friends and colleagues, it seems that many of them have extended family support when it comes to their DC. For example, someone to call if DC are poorly at childcare and needed picking up early and born DP and I have work meetings we're struggling to cover; or someone to drive older DC to social events with their mates when you're stuck at home with a sick toddler and partner is working.... that sort of thing. We have absolutely no one. Not one person. My DP and I are a FT working (both of us) exhausted two man team, with zero back up from anyone else.

We're surely not alone with this, are we??

Goodness can't the OP vent without being cross examined. Yes, single parents have it harder. Still, she can moan too.

@tomatoandherbs

On paper she's a few years from adulthood, yes. In reality and mentally? Not so much. That's all I'm prepared to say. This thread is not about my child so I don't understand your persistent questioning around her. It's about a lack of external support from extended family. Kindly stop derailing it please.

😂 apparently not!

Will do

but will you go for the third child you say you’re considering last week?!

It is tough OP and you are not alone You’ll get through this

We don’t have anyone nearby to call on, but that’s been our choice as we moved away from family.

Do you have any friends? Through work? Or from uni or school?

What about friends? Not the parents of your children, but other friends, including those without children? Obviously they aren’t wanting to sign up for regular babysitting, but in a pinch have you asked them for help?

In an emergency I’d help anyone. If say a colleague had to rush off because her partner was rushed to hospital, I’d have no problem volunteering to get the kids of that would help out. I babysat loads as a teen through to my early 30’s, maybe that’s the difference? But don’t assume people without kids can’t/won’t help- it might broaden your choices. I don’t have kids but it took a while for my friends with babies to catch up to all my experience. I’d hate for someone to be in despair about what to do when they could just ask me.

Yep I had this. My mum died when I was 18, didn't really know my father. Got ditched by husband for a woman half my age leaving me with a baby and toddler.

I managed to find a school based job which helped but it was hard hard hard.

Yes but many of my friends have little ones themselves and also work. So not really people who I can call upon in an emergency situation if that makes sense.

Sorry meant not the parents of your children’s friends. Obviously you are the parents of your children 😂

Uni friends mostly all moved away after we all graduated.

Lol I'm reading this in the car - just got back from A&E as DC2 had an accident; DH is at the office, DC1 is off school poorly... had to take injured dc2 and poorly dc2 tagging along to A&E, absolutely no one to leave her with at short notice middle of the day!

I do have PIL 40 mins drive away, but they are getting older and only help by prearrangement and are currently on a 3 week holiday in Greece so ...not much use for an emergency.

I also do have a lovely neighbour who offered to be my back up in an emergency but she's terrified of covid so I haven't relied on her for anything yet as I feel so guilty asking!

It is definitely worth putting yourself out there and getting a mums WhatsApp with parents of your dc friends. We regularly fall back on each other for help - we are all working mums and it's always us that Nursery or School call first when a child is ill.

It's what you signed up for though. You chose to have a second child with a new partner, knowing your eldest had needs to be net. You chose to do this and chose to work full time.

You seem to think that you have it harder than the rest of the parenting world. You don't. It's just that you're shouting loudest.

Get over the fact that your inlaws quite rightly want to live their own lives and not run around after you and your choices.

Your mother being dead is unfortunate, really sad, but again not a reason that others cannot complain about natural irritations involving their mothers or mils.

Try seeing the beauty of what you have rather than focusing on the negatives constantly.

Your choices and your consequences of those choices.

We had no family help whatever (450 miles away/ dead/ not interested).

Instead I improvised; knowing nobody I started a babysitting circle with local young mothers like me; although it began for "evening babysitter swaps" we became a very tight-knit group of women who shared school runs, day care, emergency care etc. Even breastfeeding :-)

45 years later we've supported each other through every worst kind of life and death, marital and parenting crisis; the survivors are grannies now and although we've scattered far from our then-neighbourhood, we're still friends and meet up several times a year.

My DD is nearly 17 and has babysat for other people. She also works as a camp counselor at a preschool camp for 3-5 year olds. If your DD is a similar age, I would expect her to be able to babysit a younger sibling, tbh. If it needs to be a regular thing, pay her the normal babysitting rate.

Both my teens (DS is 13) are expected to help out around the house, perhaps you need to be more insistent if your DD is being awkward!

And do ask other parents for help. The most awkward instance for us was when toddler DS ran into a radiator on Christmas Eve and needed stitches. We had to ask a neighboring family if DD (then 5) could stay with them as I needed to sit in the back holding a towel on DS's bleeding head while DH drove us to the hospital. I felt so embarrassed given the date, but she had a lovely time playing with their DC. She still remembers it!

Its crap op. We never had help. Then my dad was unwell. Sil covered my labour lol. God its disheartening though. Thank god we over worst now. So envious of families that help.

@ChoiceMummy

No I don't fucking think I have it hardest! Where have I said that? It's not a competition!, ffs! I "shout the loudest" do I? I yeah sure I do, that's why I fucking cry myself to sleep at night because I honestly tell NO ONE in RL how fucking exhausted and at rock bottom I am 24/7!! Hence starting an anonymous thread so I can have a small space to vent, which you and others are intent on ripping to pieces for no apparent reason other than it feels good to you to try to discredit and upset strangers.

And thanks for the insensitive reference to my mother, who I lost in tragic circumstances as a little girl and have needed therapy for PTSD my entire adult life to come to terms with what I saw that night. Cheers for that.
Kindly get off my thread and allow those who are offering support, to do so!

My nephew use to watch my kids, 3 of them (at the time), for a few hours when he was 15, loads of teens babysit it’s pretty normal, unless there’s going to be a drip feed about sen which wasn’t mentioned at all

he no longer does this for other reasons but yes teens do babysit

For emergency contacts on forms, I always put down two local friends and they put me down on theirs. We all have children but it's unlikely that everyone will have an emergency on the same day...fingers crossed.

Do ask them if it''s an emergency. I have helped out many in an emergency and they have helped me. Of course in London, most of my friends are immigrants who are far from family. Most people won't mind if it's a one-off. It's awkward asking but sometimes it has to be done.

I have a 15 year old boy who is about as much of an idiot (loveable mostly) as you can imagine and I feel well able to leave him with his sister and I expect a certain amount from him in that regard. I just wouldn't accept a NT teen not to pitch in with family life. The housework side of things I frankly find more trouble than its worth some of the time but certainly he is expected to mind his sister when needed, walk the dog, go to the shops for me, etc. And honestly I consider him to be on the useless end of the spectrum.

Just waiting for someone to come along and point out why and how my mother's suicide when I was a little girl was somehow my own fucking fault, too!

When DCs were younger we had PILs, and I had a nice group of mums from school who’d help each other out. Or a couple of times some very close friends would step in.
it would’ve been so much easier to have had a living mum (or even dad!) on my side, but sadly that wasn’t the case.
We coped, but it would’ve been much harder without the PILs (even though they were never my type and have big issues, they were always there to help w the kids- will always be grateful for that) and aforementioned friends.,
I would def recommend having a network of school mums even if it only for the duration of when they’re at primary (and maybe early secondary). Rotas for parties, activities etc are invaluable.,

I'm bowing out of this thread because there are some fucking insensitive idiots on it.

Thank you sincerely to those who have offered helpful comments and helped me feel less alone.