Page 13 | To wonder if I'm the only one with no help at all?

Sofielou · 2022-05-05T10:33:33+00:00

When I look around at friends and colleagues, it seems that many of them have extended family support when it comes to their DC. For example, someone to call if DC are poorly at childcare and needed picking up early and born DP and I have work meetings we're struggling to cover; or someone to drive older DC to social events with their mates when you're stuck at home with a sick toddler and partner is working.... that sort of thing. We have absolutely no one. Not one person. My DP and I are a FT working (both of us) exhausted two man team, with zero back up from anyone else. We're surely not alone with this, are we??

badg3r · 05/05/2022 18:26

We have loads of friends who we can ask though - we met them through neighbours, nursery, school etc. We have people over a lot and invite other people's kids over several times a week, often last minute. But we have accepted we are permanently exhausted and also don't have much of a commute which makes things easier!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/05/2022 19:01

I do remember those days OP. Both my parents were dead too and PILs lived too far away, close friends had moved out of the city and we also moved (just 5 miles away but further in real-time with traffic) so we lost friendly neighbours and knew no one. At one stage I had nursery, primary and secondary DCs.
Seriously it will get better when your LO starts school, there will be trade-offs with other mums. One neighbour made friends with a kindly elderly lady at her church, who loved babies and was willing to pop in to help for an hour or so. Might be a place to advertise.
I also used to feel really sad when thoughtless people would say "But can't you ask your Mum" or even worse "But don't you have any friends." (School receptionists were usually the worst!) I also couldn't 100 per cent rely on the oldest teen - too scatty, until at least past GCSEs age.
This time will pass and you will get through it, as they get to school age they are often easier to be entertained for an hour or so without you and there are possibly after school clubs. Best of luck.

alanabennett · 05/05/2022 19:04

Then you need to start cultivating relationships with people. It's not easy but what choice do you have?

I have a FT job, 3 kids and live on a different continent to my family. It's twee, but "friends are the family you choose". If you don't have blood family around you need to build a social network, put yourself out there with that objective in mind. Of course part of that is being someone else's support too - so offering lifts to other kids when you're taking yours somewhere.

There are an awful lot of people on MN who say they have "no support". I wonder if they are also the ones who don't answer their phones and don't open their front doors.

It's exhausting to be sure. I moved to the US and knew no one except my husband and had to work hard to make friends and find a community. While working FT. If you don't have family, this is all you can do.

alanabennett · 05/05/2022 19:06

theleafandnotthetree · 05/05/2022 12:05

You sound great! I did similarly in my local village and these things become a virtuous circle, they really do. But you do have to put yourself out too, there's no getting away from that.

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I should just have quoted this!

ParisNoir · 05/05/2022 19:09

alanabennett · 05/05/2022 19:04

Then you need to start cultivating relationships with people. It's not easy but what choice do you have?

I have a FT job, 3 kids and live on a different continent to my family. It's twee, but "friends are the family you choose". If you don't have blood family around you need to build a social network, put yourself out there with that objective in mind. Of course part of that is being someone else's support too - so offering lifts to other kids when you're taking yours somewhere.

There are an awful lot of people on MN who say they have "no support". I wonder if they are also the ones who don't answer their phones and don't open their front doors.

It's exhausting to be sure. I moved to the US and knew no one except my husband and had to work hard to make friends and find a community. While working FT. If you don't have family, this is all you can do.

I agree in theory but in practice its not so easy. My best friend lives an hour away - moved due to her work. My neighbours racially abused my DH so clearly not the kind of people I'd like to babysit my kids. My other close friend has a non-verbal autistic child with challenging behaviours so I'm hardly going to ask her to also help me out with my kids when she has enough on her plate. I do have other friends but they also have elderly parents to care for and other commitments so its not quite as simple as "just make friends!- they'll be your childcare!"

OnceMoreWithoutFeeling · 05/05/2022 19:13

So sorry about your mum OP. Mine did the same thing, but when I was an adult and I didn't see it. Can't imagine how a little child recovers from trauma like that. The fact you have a steady job, a functional relationship and a family shows what a strong person you are and that you can do anything! But that doesn't mean it's easy, and you are allowed to vent. People can be right dicks online

Original poster

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 19:14

I don't think I've been clear - I do have friends. But they all work FT and / or have young children themselves. They aren't people I could call in the middle of the working day to drop everything and go and collect my toddler if needed. I could call them for a chat if I was lonely, or meet them for a coffee or a play date with the kids, sure. I also even - shock horror - answer my phone and front door to them. But expect them to drop everything and collect my child from childcare if she's unwell? No.

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Nomad916 · 05/05/2022 19:15

No you're not alone. I'm a single mum with no family in the country. DC's dad spends half the time in the US & when he's around he's always "in meetings". Child emergencies and sickness is a huge stress to balance with work.

Original poster

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 19:16

OnceMoreWithoutFeeling · 05/05/2022 19:13

So sorry about your mum OP. Mine did the same thing, but when I was an adult and I didn't see it. Can't imagine how a little child recovers from trauma like that. The fact you have a steady job, a functional relationship and a family shows what a strong person you are and that you can do anything! But that doesn't mean it's easy, and you are allowed to vent. People can be right dicks online

Oh gosh, this moved me to tears. Thank you so much, that means more than you realise.
I'm so sorry for your loss, too.

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Darkstar4855 · 05/05/2022 19:19

We both work full time, only family is my mum who lives two hours drive and an (expensive) ferry ride away so can’t help us very much. It’s tough and I often envied those people who had family providing regular childcare and even overnight care.

Cameleongirl · 05/05/2022 19:23

@Sofielou Yes, I believe you’re right in thinking that only family members would collect an unwell child. I’ve never asked my friend emergency contacts to collect my ill children and I would prefer that they didn’t ask me! Picking them up because your car’s broken down or another child needs to be elsewhere is different, I’ve done that many times. Even if the GP’s lived around the corner though, two are CV and the other is CEV so it wouldn’t be fair to ask them. It is what it is. 🤷

OnceMoreWithoutFeeling · 05/05/2022 19:24

Thank you. It's easy to feel alone in this too, I find, because people who've been through it don't tend to talk about it because of the stigma. Sending you solidarity and virtual hugs!

JassyRadlett · 05/05/2022 19:25

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 19:14

I don't think I've been clear - I do have friends. But they all work FT and / or have young children themselves. They aren't people I could call in the middle of the working day to drop everything and go and collect my toddler if needed. I could call them for a chat if I was lonely, or meet them for a coffee or a play date with the kids, sure. I also even - shock horror - answer my phone and front door to them. But expect them to drop everything and collect my child from childcare if she's unwell? No.

Yeah, there's no safety net if the kids are ill, is there? I'm not someone who would leave my sick kids with a stranger (it would stress both of my kids enormously as well as me) and getting The Call from school or nursery has always been such a stress. I was out with other mums the other week and felt such a stab of sadness and envy when someone said her kid had chicken pox, but it was ok because her mum had come to look after him while she was at work.

And the toddler years are the worst for The Call. Huge sympathies, OP, you're really in the thick of it right now.

Cameleongirl · 05/05/2022 19:28

Hang in there, OP.💐

Original poster

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 19:31

I was out with other mums the other week and felt such a stab of sadness and envy when someone said her kid had chicken pox, but it was ok because her mum had come to look after him while she was at work.

I can relate. My colleague's DS had a bug the other week and she was intermittently calling her mum for updates to check how he was doing. I had a stab of envy too - I found myself wishing so badly that I had this option.

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Original poster

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 19:32

And the toddler years are the worst for The Call. Huge sympathies, OP, you're really in the thick of it right now.

They just pick up all the bugs one after another, don't they?! It's relentless.....

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PomRuns · 05/05/2022 19:35

We never had help either, it is easier now they are older. I was a bit envious of people who could have nights out/away sometimes. It was such a juggle if they were sick and couldn't go to nursery.

PomRuns · 05/05/2022 19:40

So sorry to hear about your mum, how awful.

You are doing so well. It will get easier.

alanabennett · 05/05/2022 19:42

ParisNoir · 05/05/2022 19:09

I agree in theory but in practice its not so easy. My best friend lives an hour away - moved due to her work. My neighbours racially abused my DH so clearly not the kind of people I'd like to babysit my kids. My other close friend has a non-verbal autistic child with challenging behaviours so I'm hardly going to ask her to also help me out with my kids when she has enough on her plate. I do have other friends but they also have elderly parents to care for and other commitments so its not quite as simple as "just make friends!- they'll be your childcare!"

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As I said at the beginning - it's not easy. But what choice do you have? And it's not just other school parents - volunteering, church, etc. More than one place to meet people.

ParisNoir · 05/05/2022 19:48

Sofielou · 05/05/2022 19:14

I don't think I've been clear - I do have friends. But they all work FT and / or have young children themselves. They aren't people I could call in the middle of the working day to drop everything and go and collect my toddler if needed. I could call them for a chat if I was lonely, or meet them for a coffee or a play date with the kids, sure. I also even - shock horror - answer my phone and front door to them. But expect them to drop everything and collect my child from childcare if she's unwell? No.

Exactly! Friends arent really the same as family. I adore my friends but mine also work FT and I cant just ring them up and ask them to collect my kids from school with no notice because they have commitments. Its not that they dont care, its the fact that they cant just drop everything to help me out in the same way family might be able to or feel obliged to do. Equally, there are times when I am at work or doing something and I cant just drop everything to babysit my friend's child- doesnt mean I dont love my friend.

PumpkinsandKittens · 05/05/2022 19:49

I think people put too much thought into school parents, most people you meet at the school will just be an acquaintance nothing more, clearly the op didn’t make life long friends from when her oldest went to primary school so most likely she won’t make them again with the second child, If she did then where are those friends? So those saying she will make a support network once they go to school well that’s not always the case is it

Cameleongirl · 05/05/2022 20:03

@PumpkinsandKittens There’s no guarantee that the OP will make those sorts of friends, but what other options are there unless you pay for help? I’ve had to ask people to help me out and I’ve got more brazen about it.😂. There certainly isn’t a solution when it comes to an ill child, parents just have to look after them.
I breathe a sigh of relief now mine are older and can be left to rest if they’ve got a cold or an upset stomach.

Grapewrath · 05/05/2022 20:13

I hear you OP. Non of my kids grandparents give a shit- my Mam is an alcoholic and didn’t even look after her own kids. My in laws don’t live nearby and don’t make any effort. We have a disabled dc too
it wouldn’t have served us to ask friends or school mums for help as they all work full time and have their own dc so how are you supposed to rely on them to help out if you get a call at work etc. Plus dc disability and mobility needs mean he can’t just go to anyone.
its hard for others to fathom when you say you have no support and mean it

sweatervest · 05/05/2022 20:17

it's really bloody tough and i feel your pain.
i never had anyone on the collection sheet for my kids at school other than me or their dad and it makes me sad even now and it was years ago.
i have no advice at all. but am sending empathetic thoughts down the computer to you. xx

PumpkinsandKittens · 05/05/2022 20:18

Cameleongirl · 05/05/2022 20:03

@PumpkinsandKittens There’s no guarantee that the OP will make those sorts of friends, but what other options are there unless you pay for help? I’ve had to ask people to help me out and I’ve got more brazen about it.😂. There certainly isn’t a solution when it comes to an ill child, parents just have to look after them.
I breathe a sigh of relief now mine are older and can be left to rest if they’ve got a cold or an upset stomach.

Just pointing out that people act as if when your kids start school you will meet all these amazing mum friends, I was told the same that I would meet loads of friends once my kids started school but it just never happened, and clearly didn’t happen the first time round as she has an older child, If it did she would have them to call on? Maybe she will have better luck this time round but I have 4 kids in school and still never managed to find the amazing support network of school mums people go on about, just saying don’t hold your breath