To wonder if I'm the only one with no help at all?

[Sofielou]

When I look around at friends and colleagues, it seems that many of them have extended family support when it comes to their DC. For example, someone to call if DC are poorly at childcare and needed picking up early and born DP and I have work meetings we're struggling to cover; or someone to drive older DC to social events with their mates when you're stuck at home with a sick toddler and partner is working.... that sort of thing. We have absolutely no one. Not one person. My DP and I are a FT working (both of us) exhausted two man team, with zero back up from anyone else.

We're surely not alone with this, are we??

@ParisNoir

youre eldest is in year 6 and you have never made a single friend. Only saying hello to two mums.

Have you ever attended a class social?
Have you ever volunteered to be class Rep?
Suggested a coffee?
as for thinking it would be “very weird” to invite a child over for a play date that you don’t know the parent??? Why? Not weird at all. I invited over children i didn’t know their parent but my child was friends with them. The mum maybe popped in for a coffee and a chat and then headed off. And then reciprocated (or didn’t, no pressure to from me!) and that’s how friendships slowly develop

Sorry that meant for @PumpkinsandKittens

It’s annoying isn’t it, I put up a post a little while ago how lonely I am as have no friends and the comments I got was “oh just make friends with the mums at school” I mean really?

But what were you expecting? You weren’t offering or suggesting anything. It was just a negative statement. You could have said that you were keen to get together with local FB friends if anyone fancied a coffee / walk etc

Some people don't know how, or do know but don't have the confidence to do so. I'm in the former category as I'm autistic and I genuinely have no idea how a person makes friends. I have one best friend who I've known for 22 years. I have no idea how we became friends, I'm just glad we are!

It’s no one’s fault in that case
not yours for not knowing how to make friends
and not other people’s for not actively pursuing a friendship with someone who doesn’t know how to. We all have limited time and many responsibilities, work, children etc. So naturally will gravitate to those that they can converse with easily

If you haven't got the time, inclination or ability to make new friends then pay for support. It is possible to save up and organise help in the early years, and something to factor in before children, and when considering the number of children to have.

Yes beyond saying hello to people no I haven’t made “mum friends” I don’t think it’s that odd,
my daughter has asd so doesn’t have any friends so I find it hard to get in there with the other mums, as we don’t have that thing in common which is how mum friends start, I’m an introvert so sorry but no I am not going to invite people I don’t know to my house, I thought friendships would happen naturally as I thought she would be invited to parties etc but they didn’t happen I suspect I am autistic myself as I have two children with asd I struggle with social situations and there is no way I am approaching people I don’t know to chat, some people are confident chatty and outgoing so I get they might not understand that not everyone is like that, as for putting notes in my reception daughters bag no I am not Doing that, why do people suggest that? If it was normal thing to do that would have happened to me but no parent has ever asked to pass on a note to me? So no I don’t want to come across as weird I don’t think I made it clear that I don’t physically see the mums at all anymore to invite their children so no I’m not putting a note for a random parent into dds bag, I’ve never heard of class socials? Or class reps?

pumpkin Why not organise a picnic outside in a local park or countryside with a few of your dd's classmates? Or to the cinema for an evening out? It does not need to be in your house.

If you find it stressful socialising yourself, then the best thing you can do for your children is get them involved in many after school clubs, pref ones that are team based and require good communication, and then they are getting lots of interaction. Do you have cousins or family members? Invite them over for lunch etc. I would be trying hard for the sake of the children to expose them to as much social opportunity as possible.

Ah I see a class social is where everyone is invited to something in the class? Yeh that doesn’t and has never happened at my kids school, there isn’t even a
class WhatsApp, I don’t know why some
people find it hard to believe not all schools are the same, I only found out about class WhatsApps from MN certainly ever heard anyone mention them at the school or invite me to one, I’ve search for a class Facebook page and can’t find one of those either. I don’t see the parents at all now to invite anyone to anything and I am not comfortable leaving notes in dds bag for parents that I haven’t even laid eyes on let alone spoken to, I thought I would meet the naturally through parties but haven’t got any invites, youngest is a summer born so haven’t done any party but in reception I thought there would be party invites but there hasn’t been any.

My sister has Loads of friends but none of them are parents she met at the school gate just because you have children at the same time as someone doesn’t mean you are going to be friends and hit it off with them. I was a young mum and when oldest started school I was a lot younger than most of the mums there, I’m also and single mum and most are married and I felt like I didn’t have much in common with any of them, added to the fact dd refuses to speak to any of the other children makes it very difficult like I said the ones I say hello to dd isn’t friends with their children so I don’t invite them over or to places because there would be no point.

It sounds like you have given up pumpkin

Genuine question as I struggle with this stuff (I suspect I may be on the spectrum) - how would you go about organising this sort of thing?

We have no class WhatsApp group that I am aware of, I only have one other parent's number as no one else RSVPed when I invited the class to a party via invites sent out at school. No one really seems to chat or linger at the school gate and we mostly use breakfast and after-school club anyway

The one other parent that you have the number for, arrange the picnic together on a date that she can also make. Then speak to the school and see if there is a whatsapp group for your year, there usually is for most classes.
If not, ask the teacher to give out a little invite to every child and see who turns up? You can invite everyone. Then you have at least the chance to meet other parents and children.

I am sorry you organised a party and did not have a great response. Maybe something went wrong? Otherwise focus on out of school friendships and clubs and societies. You can find your tribe.

We have no family help, all hundreds of miles away. So it’s just my husband and I. We do have friends we could call in a real emergency but obviously everyone has their own lives. It is what it is, we are fiercely independent and I am proud that we have built a life on our own, but yes sometimes I wish I had someone to call on, and it does make balancing our careers more complicated.

I think it's hard if you live in a snobby area and the other mums look you up and down or turn your back to you when you try and talk to them. You give up trying after a while.

In an emergency we could call bil but that's it. He would call my dh. Otherwise of one of the kids fell ill at school I will go if I'm at home or dh will if he is wfh as he drives so will get there quicker. If I'm at work dh will do it as I can't leave easily (pharmacist so store will have to shut without me). We have no family support. We used to when fil was alive and healthy but as he got ill it was too much for mil to manage having our two for two afternoon's a week. We work it out between the two of us.

@Classicblunder I wonder where these schools are?😂 I live in a low income area in north of England. Our school has no class what's app. There are no nanny's to share childcare. I've never heard of anyone going to a class picnic. Kids get invited to parties but socialising is mostly playing on street which my ds can't do as he has Sen. I do have a couple of friends because we met at toddler group. Some parents are friends and chat to each other in play ground. others dump and run.

In fact given that we get regular messages reminding us not to discuss the school on sm I can not imagine the headteacher endorsing a group chat 😂

Who knows? It sounds like there are a lot of differences between schools.

I am in an area of London where some families have lived here a long time, have long established social groups and extended family and have no interest in making new friends..and then the other families seem to be here temporarily, approx 25-30% of children at my son's school leave every year (and are replaced by new families moving in).

So I guess that's my problem - I am settled here for the long term but I don't have long established roots in the area.

I’m a single parent with no help from their dad these days as he moved area. I did have support from my parents but health issues mean they can’t help now. My brother is my only other help otherwise it’s all down to me. It is exhausting.

I think this is more common now.many people work and can't always do pick ups for friends dc.dittto grandparents! So many older people working past retirement. Very difficult. It hurts when your mum is no longer with you,and you have small dc . You are not alone ,I was a nursery school teacher and this was quite usual. Many people from abroad or different parts of uk

It’s exactly the same for us op, I feel I am the only one too who has no help at all. Obviously my dh is great and we work as a team and no one should expect help. I also see both sides and I wouldn’t want to have to do childcare once my dcs are raised either but I would definitely help with emergency or illness or the odd babysitting. In our case we have loads of family but they just never ever help, my dcs are all primary aged now but when they were very small it was v tough at times like with illness. I remember having a bad infection and my dh was away for work, I had a baby ( who woke frequently) , very busy toddler and a just 5 year old and no one would help… I got loads of supportive texts though!!
My family member who is v close in age to me visits loads but has never offered even once to mind them for an hour while we go for a walk and I asked once in my life for our anniversary and it was clear they didn’t want to help and made loads of excuses so I have never asked again. Of course they aren’t obliged, it’s just so odd…..
My mother has never walked with me and any of my babies on a pram walk , never gone to the playground with us (ever in 11 years). We see them 3/4 months for a coffee where I have always had to run around after the dcs and that’s it. I understand they have raised their dcs and want to chill but I do think never , ever spending time with me and my dcs has been a bit of a strange thing, it’s too late now as they are older and just not up to anything and find our dcs exhausting and that’s obvs with me there too.
I often helped my older siblings with their dcs before I had mine as to me that’s normal, I remember one family member who was totally burned out and exhausted from their small dcs and I regularly went over and they went to bed and I minded their kids or brought them out for a bit. I thought it was just what family do tbh.
I have a dc with some sleep issues when younger and who never slept, I didn’t sleep for years and was told “I needed to sort their sleep, how could I continue like this”etc “ but absolutely no practical help at all.
We had tried everything..
On the other hand they are totally uninterfering so I’m sure lots of families have issues that way but I think we could have done with the odd offer.
Its very strange though as it’s like we live abroad from family or very far away, my friends here have never seen me or my dcs with their grandparents ever.
One thing that really gets to me is when ppl assume everyone has help , I remember bringing my dcs in with me to a dentists (there’s v little childcare available here , we had a babysit but she moved away, not in the uk so no agencies for babysitting here) and the dentist just couldn’t believe I didn’t have help. Also the whole “we got to know plp and formed a babysitting circle “ (I haven’t read the thread but I bet this has been mentioned), our friends here don’t do this as they all have family help.
I see it countless times here “so important to have support, accept all the help you can get , send them off to the grandparents , leave them with the grandparents for the wedding , so important to have time away as a couple etc etc etc “ Some people don’t have the option.
Sorry for the long post op , we are happy to be independent but I was always the exhausted mum in the park on her own . It is what it is but you aren’t alone in having no one to call, even with all our family around this is the case for us.

@Runorsleep totally the same. Dc come every where or one of stays at home. It annoys me the "it takes a village to raise a child" I'd settle fir 1 person!

Also the suggestion that some parents are martyrs, my dh and I take it in turns and are a good team and we swap over and do our hobbies, both into running so we make time to do things. A lot of our friends are only just starting to have their first dcs now whereas we started our family in our late 20’s so have swapped over and gone to the endless childfree occasions but always get the “but can’t your family mind them” when only one of us can make it . I’ve said a thousand times “no we don’t have help” etc . It’s actually so annoying the presumption that everyone can drop their kids off to some family member and yup we have babysitters but generally teens that you can’t leave 3 small kids with all weekend or overnight obviously and in my country in 10 euros per hour….and just not possible as they are too young . That would be an expensive weekend. It’s obviously not possible for us but still we get then”oh sooo important to have time together as a couple, I could never be a martyr”….

YES! This pisses me off no end. Comments like "I'd go mad if we couldnt get away every other weekend without the kids!" or "Why on earth dont you just leave them with your parents?". Well, because they're dead - thats why! not everyone is fortunate enough to have a huge extended family to look after their kids- a little bit of sensitivity would be nice. urgh.

Its like saying to someone who is struggling for money- "why dont you just buy another car?- simple" or "just get a gardener/cleaner/butler" etc So insensitive and entitled.