To wonder if I'm the only one with no help at all?

[Sofielou]

When I look around at friends and colleagues, it seems that many of them have extended family support when it comes to their DC. For example, someone to call if DC are poorly at childcare and needed picking up early and born DP and I have work meetings we're struggling to cover; or someone to drive older DC to social events with their mates when you're stuck at home with a sick toddler and partner is working.... that sort of thing. We have absolutely no one. Not one person. My DP and I are a FT working (both of us) exhausted two man team, with zero back up from anyone else.

We're surely not alone with this, are we??

I was at university when my eldest went to primary school - my friendship circle were my uni mates and work colleagues. I didn't really have much in common with my DD's friends' parents, tbh. Hence they were just acquaintances and as our kids got older and went to secondary school and the parties and sleepovers become less and less, I just stopped associating with them. DD makes her own plans now and just asks me for lifts.

I have already made some mum friends during my maternity leave with my younger DD, and I genuinely see them as friends and hope to remain so. So I hope this time around is different, and my support network might (hopefully) be stronger.

That said, I would still never expect any of my friends with jobs and children of their own to drop everything and collect my child in an emergency.

That’s the same with everyone I know, no one really made mum friends at the school gates that I know, Everyone I know there friends are all from school/college/uni no one is friends outside of the school with school mum friends its very much hello, bye quick chat type thing, acquaintances nothing more, but on MN everyone puts so much emphasis on school mum friends, at my kids school no one speaks, no class WhatsApp groups, no Facebook groups, no party invites/play dates, really think it depends on the school and some are friendlier than others.

They just pick up all the bugs one after another, don't they?! It's relentless.....

My absolute low point was the day DS1 was home with norovirus, DH with him, and I got The Call (obviously, they never called DH first) just before a huge presentation. DS2 had put his teeth through his bottom lip at nursery.

DH obviously couldn't take vomiting DS1 to A&E so I STILL had to rush through my presentation and run for the train, there were train problems so DH had to collect bleeding 3yo while 7yo was sick into a bucket in the car, drive to the hospital and meet me there as the train finally got me to the right place.

Even with two parents on hand that was a total arse of a situation. Sorry, I know this has no bearing on the conversation but I still shudder.

At 6 and 10 they're now disgustingly healthy though.

@JassyRadlett

That sounds insanely stressful. I felt horribly anxious just reading that! Hope things are easier for you now.

I also think isolating didn't help as those groups didn't meet. Friendships at the school gates haven't happened in the same way. My children extra activities no longer allow parents to wait inside we all have to wait in our car.
I attend church but have yet to find someone will to help. I looked after friends son week in week out yet when I was super stressed the friend asked if there was anything she could do I asked her to watch my dd for half an hr and she replied oh I didn't mean like that I meant like prayer.
Also although school mums help out I have heard the gossip about other mums needing support and what cf they are. There is also many threads on mn. In my head I always think cf or desperate parent.
I find school and hospital the worst pre covid I could take my child to an appointment with me ( and let them use my phone). Then never played up as they would lose the phone. Now covid means they can't attend. I frequently get told 'oh just leave them with family for half an hour'. Or best yet 'its time to cut the umbilical cord and let them go' as if its my choice.

Op its so hard. Same used to feel it in offices when families had amazing backup. We were always run ragged/nobody to help. She 16 now so things bit easier and no childcare now

@2bazookas that’s such a lovely story!! Absolutely love that.

You have a DP, many in the same situation don't.

You are more fortunate than some although it may not feel like it.

Definitely not alone, I'm a 100% lone parent of 4, raised single handed from when they were all under 5 (junior age and teens now)

It's hard

We don't have anyone close either. PIL are 3 hours away and have caring responsibilities and DM lives abroad. When I had to put a second contact down for DD1, I struggled to think of someone and asked one of her friends' parents.

But I have made friends locally and would have people in class I could ask to look after the DC. I would also reciprocate on my day off. I have also used a childminder and babysitters, and they could often do a couple of odd hours if needed. As others have said, it's not uncommon in London or other big cities to not have close relatives. I actually find some of threads on here with people living hand in glove with their family a bit stiffling.

Never has anybody to help or call to help with children.Family all live in different countries or 100's of miles away. Friends all worked FT like we did.

We dont have any help and I actually got the sack once for the amount of time I had off work with a poorly child. It makes me feel really bitter and jealous of my friends who have support.

@SkaSkaSka

Oh god, that's awful. I didn't realise you could be sacked for having time off with a sick child. Now I'm worried about this, too.

You have a DP which makes it a hundred times easier and at the end of the day you chose to have kids. I also chose to have kids but not to end up as a single parent with no support. Honestly, it’s hard but you’ve just got to count your blessings and get on with it!

We’ve never had or wanted help. I do however help with my dgc because I really want to and love that I can.

Nope not alone, I don't either. It makes me so envious when colleagues go on about their parents helping out with childcare. One lovely lady I work with has her grandchildren all week during half term etc, I feel that her daughter is incredibly lucky. My mum was a wonderful help with my daughter but she now has advanced dementia. It's v hard.

@lollipoprainbow
I'm sorry to hear about your mum. It's really very hard, isn't it

We are similar. No one close by, dc goes to wrap around care when I work. I work part time and stay home if they are poorly. We do have pil who live an hour away but they moan if we ask so we rarely do. Sil however has her dp (my pil) who look after her dc several times a week plus her pil who do same as well as bils sisters. They have a real village around them .

We’re the same op. Dh has no parents. We don’t have siblings or any extended family. My lovely Dad died years ago. My Mum lives with us, but has dementia, is bedridden and needs full time care.

I feel the same as you when people talk about how much their parents help. I feel really pissed off sometimes actually. I want to tell them how lucky the are. Many people just don’t understand what it’s like to have no one to take over…..even for a day.

We've had no one. No one I could call on to collect child if they were ill. No one I could put on emergency contact forms. My parents are dead, my husband has family but in another country. I guess it's become more common as people move away from 'home' for uni, work and having kids later in life.

What I have done over the years is find friends who are in the same position as me. I found them at nursery - the other parents using nursery probably don't have grandparents willing/able to provide childcare. They are all working too, though, hence nursery, so not like I could call on any of them to collect my child from school if ill. I have been able to call on them for real emergencies/one offs, like so we could attend a funeral and once to go to A&E in the night.

But do keep it in mind. I work full time and don’t have kids but in a genuine emergency i would leave work to help out a friend - my job is flexible enough and I’m sure others are too. My boss isn’t a monster, if I said my friend’s husband was just in a car accident, friend has rushed to hospital, I need to leave now to collect baby from nursery and kid from school, I could go and make up the time later (obviously not all jobs could). Heck, if the neighbours banged on my door at 2am because they had to go to hospital, I’d stay with their kids and don’t even know them. You do what you can to help people in a real emergency. It might seem strange to those who never babysit as teens, but for those of us who did, dealing with distressed, unknown kids is no biggie.

Not wanting to use a stranger-to-your-kids is asking a bit much at times like this. When I was a kid if parents needed emergency help odds were it was being left with someone they knew (friend, neighbour) but us kids didn’t well. So long as they knew we were safe, that was the best anyone could manage. I think very few people would have help on demand that their kids also know really well. But most people are caring and kids are pretty resilient. In an emergency, they just need to be kept safe by a kindly person. It won’t harm them to be a bit confused.

Collecting an unwell toddler from nursery, yeah, that’s tricky as it’s not really an emergency. They are already in the safe care of appropriate people. I get why nurseries want a parent to collect ASAP but it makes life very hard on parents.

Obviously every parent makes their own choices how to care for their kids. I’m just saying, it’s not entirely you all alone against the world. There are good people who do want to help where they can. I can tell the difference between a CF trying to use me for free care and a desperate person who needs to be somewhere else NOW and doesn’t know what to do about their child.

We don't, my mother in law came to visit in 2019 to help my youngest start school and that's the last time she's set foot in our house! She's only 2 hours away on a train and retired (and fit and healthy) we both work full time but we're a tight team, split drop off and pick up 50/50 and firm with our jobs that we start or finish at sensible times and have cut out loads of commuting time by switching jobs or homeworking. We pay 3 days a week for after school club which really helps and they're 7 and 9 now. It gets MUCH easier.

We have a big network of friends who don't have family in this city either, we're too busy to help out but getting together for drinks helps!

Family close by isn't all its cracked up to be, as much as it makes some things easier the help isn't always 'free'

Well put, @tcjotm.