To wonder if I'm the only one with no help at all?

[Sofielou]

When I look around at friends and colleagues, it seems that many of them have extended family support when it comes to their DC. For example, someone to call if DC are poorly at childcare and needed picking up early and born DP and I have work meetings we're struggling to cover; or someone to drive older DC to social events with their mates when you're stuck at home with a sick toddler and partner is working.... that sort of thing. We have absolutely no one. Not one person. My DP and I are a FT working (both of us) exhausted two man team, with zero back up from anyone else.

We're surely not alone with this, are we??

That’s really unfortunate. I helped out loads as a teen. I loved being a big sister. I can’t imagine adding work to the family by acting like a child when there was a much smaller child at home. I was proud to have the responsibility. And it got me lots of babysitting work.

And honestly I consider him to be on the useless end of the spectrum.

@theleafandnotthetree I can relate to that comment, my DS (13) is determined to be useless at the moment, even though he's really quite capable of being useful.

That’s really unfortunate. I helped out loads as a teen. I loved being a big sister. I can’t imagine adding work to the family by acting like a child when there was a much smaller child at home. I was proud to have the responsibility.

My teens and DN are like that but not all teens are - for some everything is a battle and a few just aren't emotionally mature enough - some of DD2 friends seem very young much younger than their ages.

(Babysitting was hard to break into so it really helped having everyone seeing me with our baby / toddler all time time. An unpaid apprenticeship that lead to lots of paid work.😊 But my parents never gave me money so needs must etc.)

Those who invested in the local community and built networks that way ... can I ask, did you work FT whilst doing this? I'd love to be able to do this but I honestly am not sure where I'd find the time!

I'm quite late replying to this @Sofielou (because of the full time work!) but yes, I did. DH and I were both full time in demanding jobs (lots of evening work), commutes over an hour and in the office every day. Eldest was in nursery and then before/after school club at school so I rarely if ever did the school gate.

Like I say, it wasn't easy, especially for someone like me who is quite shy/reserved/finds it really hard to just bowl up to someone and say hi. But I really made sure I prioritised it.

Once DS1 hit around 3, parties and play dates were a godsend for making those connections. Hung out at the park nearest nursery a lot in case we saw a familiar face and could strike up a conversation. Looked at weekend classes DS could do. And then over again at school - invited kids and their parents around at weekends, made sure we didn't drop and run at parties no matter how tempting it was. Made a rule never to decline a social invitation just because we were knackered. Volunteered for the bloody PTA. I took the chance and invited people out for a drink/coffee even though it went against everything I wanted to do and often at the weekends or evenings I just wanted to retreat into the sanctuary of my little family. I won't lie, it often felt a bit hellish.

But the flip side was that when the train was late I had a group of people I could text begging for help; when I was pregnant with DS2 people reached out to offer to look after DS1, etc etc.

I think Covid must have made it really tough for parents who have smaller kids now as you missed so much of the parties/play dates bit.

TL;DR: yes, I worked full time in a demanding job, I had to choose to really prioritise it over the shorter-term things I'd rather have been doing. I'm glad now that I did.

@gwanwyn agree, and to be fair OP’s teen probably has a way better social life than I did at that age. I was very young in the socialising way but minding kids I found easy.

And I'd just like to say all those "but you made a choice" commenters. You must be far superior beings to me, to have made a choice to do or not do something in your life and to never once felt the need to vent about it. You are clearly superior decision makers to me. Well fucking done to you all, have a pat on the back from me. 👍🏻

(and I'm sorry you've had such a hard time on this thread from people who fancy a pile on, I hope I haven't inadvertently added to that - I don't want to downplay how tough it's been, it's been really really hard for me and I both have my mum (from afar) and I live in an urban/suburban area rather than rural which feels like it makes a massive difference.)

Not alone at all. My parents and in laws live in North America, have a sister literally ten minutes away. No support, no one I could ever call for help.
Two children 8years and 11 months.
My waters broke suddenly and baby born three hours later. In hospital all by myself.
Shit life

Agree
the choice comment is daft and I disagree with them

however given on the other thread you started re considering having a third, it does perhaps seem that that wouldn’t be the best idea given this thread?

I’m so sorry about your mum OP.

My parents aren't massively helpful but I'm fortunate in emergencies they are local and will help
I also have some very good friends who are there to help out in extenuating circumstances. Sometimes you will meet like minded parents throughout the course of your kids childhood and they are invaluable

You’re not alone. DH and I are immigrants so we’re certainly alone. We’ve always used paid childcare and have never had a night out because there’s absolutely no one to help. We both work full time and use nursery and after school club as well but luckily over time, we are now in a position where our work is flexible so if a child is send home from school/nursery, one person can pick up and work later, etc but it was harder before.
Overtime, we’ve made some friends and we now have one person whose name we can put as an emergency contact for nursery and school for example apart from us. Thankfully, in 9 years of having the dc, we’ve not had any need for it so it’s always been myself and DH but it gets easier with time.

We have people we could call on in a real emergency, like one of us unexpectedly hospitalised while the other is abroad kind of emergency, but for day to day stuff we have no help at all.

If DD's poorly, one of us has to take time off work, simple as that.

Both sets of parents live too far away to be involved day to day, so we consciously built a network of friends, from when the kids were tiny. From day 1, the other emergency contact was a friend - luckily we've never had to cal on her, and we've been contacts for her child all the way through. I have one friend who also has no family locally, who specifically asked if we wanted to team up with her and her husband so there was someone each of us could call in an emergency. Luckily the kids get on :).

PS - yes, we both work, I spent mat leaves building up contacts and had to get over feeling embarassed about asking for help. Elderly friends at church were surprisingly willing to do the odd hour with first child, or be called on if there was an emergency: I feel lucky in my friends :)

@OhForGoodnessSake1

That's lovely. I always feel like a burden if I ask for help from anyone. Hence why I don't talk about this stuff in RL except to my partner (hence why being told I "shout the loudest" earlier on this thread is absolutely laughable as it's a million miles from the person I am who keeps it all inside). I wish I could get past that and ask for help occasionally.

Thank you

I am in the same boat. Would really welcome advice on how to build these networks.

I try! My son started reception this year and we invited the whole class to his birthday party - 4 kids came (we had other guests so the party was fine) and only 2 RSVPed so I only have two parents numbers. I invited one over for a playdate, it went well but then they moved across London...

Literally no one talks at the school gate and I only do pick up once a week. I joined the school governing body - I see fellow governors all the time as I live very close to the school, none of them even say hello.

I don't know if I am just doing something wrong or our area just isn't good for this.

I do think that the fact that we both work makes it harder as we don't fit in and aren't around as much.

It's more difficult for you because you both work full time you haven't been able to build a support network of friends with children.
I worked 1 day a week when mine were little and I was emergency contact for a few of my friends. More recently I've also dropped or collected children from different schools while their parents have been at home with Covid, or cars have broken down.
I work 3 days a week now and am eternally grateful for the playground mums I know will drop or collect my children last minute if I am delayed or grandparents are unwell and can't help me.

Dc2 is a bit too young for playground mums. She's a toddler and goes to a childminder, I don't see any of the other mums when I do pick up. Maybe we'll have a stronger network when she starts school.

We had nothing at all. Useful parents 200 miles away and also working so not feasible.

There’s apps to making mum friends. Peanut, mush, frolo (for single parents) for those that are interested not something I use personally but others may wish to

God that does sound tough!! I think I've been lucky, one friendly and one less friendly class but people show up to parties, etc.

Even working from home a few days a week now, I'm finding it massively easier to build/maintain local friendships and offer help to others. Full time out of the home is so much harder (and adds commuting dramas/being an hour away when the school calls.)

I still remember being actually relieved one day when I'd already been called by nursery to pick up sick DS2. Had just pulled up outside the house when school rang to say DS1 had been sick. I honestly felt like I'd got a 2 for 1 bonus deal, both kids sick for only one dash home!

You meet more when they start school op. Had few mums for emergencies and vice versa. Sorry for your own loss.
No not easy.