Page 6 | After two dates to expect this

Lovechildp · 2022-05-05T08:50:32+00:00

2 dates with a guy - plan for a third when he gets back from working abroad mid May (lawyer in france) texts most days one or two messages - nothing heavy have not had sex and I do not plan to - no sex before monogamy for me (thanks Patti S) friend says its laughable how uninterested he is in me and ‘how can I put up with that’ AIBU - he should be dumped because it will not go anywhere YANBU - this is normal communication for a stranger

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 15:22

I did pull back a bit last Autumn.

she then messaged a girl who she was never friends with but knew I was friends with randomly - under the guise of ‘is she OK’. The girl was like what the actual… Why am I am getting this random message to check up on her, she will be fine.

Lovely jubbly - you're not 'allowed' to reduce contact with her, & when you do, she attempts to recruit Flying Monkeys. Good on your other pal for "WTF'ing" it & not complying.

Watch out for more of this, & any other tactic in the narc/abuser Script, when you ditch this so-called friend OP - narcopath.info/about-npd/the-narcissists-players/flying-monkeys/

Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 15:26

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 15:22

I did pull back a bit last Autumn.

she then messaged a girl who she was never friends with but knew I was friends with randomly - under the guise of ‘is she OK’. The girl was like what the actual… Why am I am getting this random message to check up on her, she will be fine.

Lovely jubbly - you're not 'allowed' to reduce contact with her, & when you do, she attempts to recruit Flying Monkeys. Good on your other pal for "WTF'ing" it & not complying.

Watch out for more of this, & any other tactic in the narc/abuser Script, when you ditch this so-called friend OP - narcopath.info/about-npd/the-narcissists-players/flying-monkeys/

I know.

my profession is full to the brim of narcissism
I honestly wish I could go back and tell my former 17 year old self to not have to gone to University.

yes and she picked this one out specifically I think - She is not a very close friend to me in the slightest. It was an odd choice. She could have just contacted my sister or closer friends if she had been that concerned about ‘my mental health’ - she also stays two streets away from
me. How about a wellness check given her deep levels of concern and coming to my door - instead of messaging a random woman I know socially and had not seen for two years. So embaressing.

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JinglingHellsBells · 05/05/2022 15:31

Stravaig · 05/05/2022 14:11

Daily texts after only two dates seems a lot to me! Texting is for matter-of-fact stuff like making arrangements. Anything more personal is face to face, or at least a phone call. I can't imagine getting to know someone via text.

I agree 100%.

People I have known who have conducted dating mainly via texts end up without that person. Texts are surely for things like 'See you at 8pm', 'thanks for the date' or 'look forward to seeing you'.

Texts full of flirty banter for example are rarely borne out in real life or if so, so soon, the man is usually a player.

AchatAVendre · 05/05/2022 15:35

JinglingHellsBells · 05/05/2022 15:31

I agree 100%.

People I have known who have conducted dating mainly via texts end up without that person. Texts are surely for things like 'See you at 8pm', 'thanks for the date' or 'look forward to seeing you'.

Texts full of flirty banter for example are rarely borne out in real life or if so, so soon, the man is usually a player.

Show quote history

This bears worth repeating because its true.

Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 15:39

AchatAVendre · 05/05/2022 15:35

This bears worth repeating because its true.

Show quote history

… And don’t I know it.

any creepy guy who has messaged me constantly and not dropped the ball with messages has had one agenda and one agenda only - to win me over for his own ego and penis.

A quick browse through MN demonstrates a wealth of examples.

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Sunnytwobridges · 05/05/2022 17:27

I guess I'm going against the grain, but usually when I've had a couple of dates with someone I expect more contact than this. Usually you're high on those feelings of getting to know someone and being really into them and excited, so you desire more contact. At least in my experience. The relationships I've had where they lasted more than a few weeks/months, the level of contact was higher this and included phone calls every day. But I noticed on MN that would be way too much for most here. 😂

However I think your friend is wrong and I think she's trying to make you doubt yourself and him.

InstaHun88 · 05/05/2022 17:43

I'm not sure I would message and block right away, maybe cool it gradually over a few months? Something so drastic might push her to be get really nasty? She's completely unhinged.

Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 17:48

InstaHun88 · 05/05/2022 17:43

I'm not sure I would message and block right away, maybe cool it gradually over a few months? Something so drastic might push her to be get really nasty? She's completely unhinged.

Im just going to leave it

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Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 17:51

Sunnytwobridges · 05/05/2022 17:27

I guess I'm going against the grain, but usually when I've had a couple of dates with someone I expect more contact than this. Usually you're high on those feelings of getting to know someone and being really into them and excited, so you desire more contact. At least in my experience. The relationships I've had where they lasted more than a few weeks/months, the level of contact was higher this and included phone calls every day. But I noticed on MN that would be way too much for most here. 😂

However I think your friend is wrong and I think she's trying to make you doubt yourself and him.

I think the issue is he went away to work for four weeks - 1 week after we met. I seen him twice in that week. Today he has messaged me 8 times. (Not that I am counting). I dont know why but I dont want to speak to him on the phone? Dunno if I assure because he is french or something. I am happy the way it is and to take off when he gets back - would gradually expect a bit more comms then I think.

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Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 17:52

(Obviously i am counting) 😂

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RoseGoldEagle · 05/05/2022 17:56

That level of contact sounds completely normal to me. A better question might be why on earth you are friends with this person? Saying it’s ‘laughable how uninterested he’ is a really horrible thing to say, and the other behaviour you mention is bordering on a bit creepy. Carry on as you are with the new man and take a step back from the friend would be my advice.

Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 17:57

RoseGoldEagle · 05/05/2022 17:56

That level of contact sounds completely normal to me. A better question might be why on earth you are friends with this person? Saying it’s ‘laughable how uninterested he’ is a really horrible thing to say, and the other behaviour you mention is bordering on a bit creepy. Carry on as you are with the new man and take a step back from the friend would be my advice.

Thats what I am doing
sorry this whole thread turned into a therapy session about this woman - I think she is more the issue than a guy I have spent 6 hours with

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Wisteriaroundthedoor · 05/05/2022 17:57

Two things strike me

your friend is incredibly odd, creepy, over invested and controlling. She is trying to sabotage your relationships.

the no sex before monogamy thing. I don’t quite understand. So he says to you when he’s back, third date, there is no one else, we are monogamous. So you shag him.

the next day he decides you are no longer monogamous. What’s the point in that?

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 18:08

Thats what I am doing
Good.

sorry this whole thread turned into a therapy session about this woman - I think she is more the issue than a guy I have spent 6 hours with
Of course she is - & there's no need to apologise.
Being helped to see the wood for the trees is one of the joys of MN, when the majority PP's are made with good will & good intentions.

Have fun on date 3!

Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 18:56

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 05/05/2022 17:57

Two things strike me

your friend is incredibly odd, creepy, over invested and controlling. She is trying to sabotage your relationships.

the no sex before monogamy thing. I don’t quite understand. So he says to you when he’s back, third date, there is no one else, we are monogamous. So you shag him.

the next day he decides you are no longer monogamous. What’s the point in that?

I think its a bit more than that - I would probably want a bit more of a history / friendship and know a bit more about him AND have the affirmation there was no one else - Its just endurance game really

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Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 18:59

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 18:08

Thats what I am doing
Good.

sorry this whole thread turned into a therapy session about this woman - I think she is more the issue than a guy I have spent 6 hours with
Of course she is - & there's no need to apologise.
Being helped to see the wood for the trees is one of the joys of MN, when the majority PP's are made with good will & good intentions.

Have fun on date 3!

Lets see - its the 20th of this month. Not sure what to suggest. 1st date was pizza and wine, 2nd date was sushi. Any thoughts?

after the smooch on the first date and second I really wanted to shag him.

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KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 19:05

the no sex before monogamy thing. I don’t quite understand. So he says to you when he’s back, third date, there is no one else, we are monogamous. So you shag him.

The trick with monogamy is to invest enough time in getting to know your proposed monogamee (??) well enough to have a reasonable assurance that they are not the type to pull an arsehole stunt like that.

Shagging them on a 3rd date would kinda undermine that though, so - if you want monogamy, don't shagstranger you've only met 3 times?

If you want to shag by date 3, fine & dandy - just don't expect that you know enough about your shagee to know their intentions or truthfulness.

Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 19:08

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 19:05

the no sex before monogamy thing. I don’t quite understand. So he says to you when he’s back, third date, there is no one else, we are monogamous. So you shag him.

The trick with monogamy is to invest enough time in getting to know your proposed monogamee (??) well enough to have a reasonable assurance that they are not the type to pull an arsehole stunt like that.

Shagging them on a 3rd date would kinda undermine that though, so - if you want monogamy, don't shagstranger you've only met 3 times?

If you want to shag by date 3, fine & dandy - just don't expect that you know enough about your shagee to know their intentions or truthfulness.

I wont. I need to stop thinking through my dick.

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Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 19:20

JustLyra · 05/05/2022 10:44

She watches me on whatsapp to see if I am online then messages to ask who I am speaking too

@Lovechildp Just because she asks doesn’t mean you have to tell her.

Your friend’s behaviour is massively over the top and out of line. Messaging the ex of someone you are going on a date with before said date would be ridiculous for you to have done, far less your friend without your knowledge.

Its creepy and controlling. Far more worrying than anything you’ve said about date chap.

Her negativity is an issue too - it’s an attempt at putting you down constantly by stating that he’s not interested.

if you were getting into a relationship with her people would be warning you about massive red flags

I think her future H’s mother and Sister have expressed concerns about her

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PinkTonic · 05/05/2022 19:28

PumpkinsandKittens · 05/05/2022 12:47

See this is why
people think it’s a lot because they aren’t use to it and it was different when they was dating hence why you will get people who think contact once a week is normal, Times have changed and no that isn’t normal to only be in contact once a week, I wouldn’t bother with anyone who only contacted me once a week!

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I dated before mobile technology and again more recently and I still think that constant contact in the early stages is not only unhealthy but an imposition. Why would someone you’ve had two dates with think it appropriate to be in contact several times a day? Taking up headspace, pressure to respond, who texts first/last. It’s really bad and if you actively want that much contact you don’t have healthy boundaries.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 19:31

I think her future H’s mother and Sister have expressed concerns about her
Wise of them. He's about to marry a coercive controller with huge personality problems.

I wont. I need to stop thinking through my dick.
😂
Think away - anticipation is a neglected art, which many PP have discussed upthread, e.g. how pre-instant comms, dating someone was all about taking things deliciously slowly & saving up things to talk about on each next date ...

But if you think this chap has potential, & want to line him up for monogamy, a date 3 shag ... well it could work out, but you'll be v disappointed if it doesn't.
As it stands, you at least (him too maybe?) are dating other people too - the monogamy chat needs to be had, & agreed with enthusiastically, before ripping his trousers off 😉
So take your own sweet time, & jump him when you feel confident that he's a fan of monogamy too ....

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 19:35

I'm with you @PinkTonic

From a new date, I'd find the constant demands for attention intrusive, needy, & displaying a lack of 'reading the room' ie sensitivity to other people's preferences.

Would much rather focus on somebody 100%, in person, & look forward to seeing them again inbetweentimes. I mean - how many "lovely day isn't it" "how was work" texts am I expected to field, from someone who was a stranger to me 5 minutes ago & might well be gone tomorrow?

Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 19:50

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 19:35

I'm with you @PinkTonic

From a new date, I'd find the constant demands for attention intrusive, needy, & displaying a lack of 'reading the room' ie sensitivity to other people's preferences.

Would much rather focus on somebody 100%, in person, & look forward to seeing them again inbetweentimes. I mean - how many "lovely day isn't it" "how was work" texts am I expected to field, from someone who was a stranger to me 5 minutes ago & might well be gone tomorrow?

Yep. I am with you ladies too 💐

he does not even know me. He knows the superficial facts of what I have told him and he has done the same with me.

I am now seeing one other guy - the one from the weekend there took a very bizarre turn (another story) who is equally as much as a potential. He texts a bit more but certaintly is not over texting and actually messaged today to say ‘I know you are so busy with work so get on with it all and I will see you Friday night!’ 😂💐 What a winner!

(Meanwhile I have spent all day on Mumsnet…)

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Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 19:54

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 19:31

I think her future H’s mother and Sister have expressed concerns about her
Wise of them. He's about to marry a coercive controller with huge personality problems.

I wont. I need to stop thinking through my dick.
😂
Think away - anticipation is a neglected art, which many PP have discussed upthread, e.g. how pre-instant comms, dating someone was all about taking things deliciously slowly & saving up things to talk about on each next date ...

But if you think this chap has potential, & want to line him up for monogamy, a date 3 shag ... well it could work out, but you'll be v disappointed if it doesn't.
As it stands, you at least (him too maybe?) are dating other people too - the monogamy chat needs to be had, & agreed with enthusiastically, before ripping his trousers off 😉
So take your own sweet time, & jump him when you feel confident that he's a fan of monogamy too ....

I hope it works out for them but I really feel for him - knowing what I know about her now. I know he did tell her to get some counselling before and also felt she was ‘like meghan markle’ - whatever that means. He had never been in a relationship until his early 30s when he met her. He seems to have a lovely family and he was a bit unlucky in love - I think he was keen to settle down.

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Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 19:54

(I have nothing against MM)

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