Page 4 | After two dates to expect this

Lovechildp · 2022-05-05T08:50:32+00:00

2 dates with a guy - plan for a third when he gets back from working abroad mid May (lawyer in france) texts most days one or two messages - nothing heavy have not had sex and I do not plan to - no sex before monogamy for me (thanks Patti S) friend says its laughable how uninterested he is in me and ‘how can I put up with that’ AIBU - he should be dumped because it will not go anywhere YANBU - this is normal communication for a stranger

DogWithMyOwnRoom · 05/05/2022 12:15

Seraphinesupport · 05/05/2022 10:41

i think your wrong not to tell. him before he wastes time on you.

I for one couldnt be with someone who couldnt have sex before marriage as for me id want to know if we were sexually compatible before we married and i think not telling someone a deal breaker before you get serious is wrong.

What!!

monogamy does not equal marriage!

Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 12:16

Testina · 05/05/2022 12:11

I’d be really interested to know why you keep giving her enough information to look people up (and contract their ex?!!!) despite knowing what she’s like.

Honestly, when I was OLD, every person I dated would text daily - a bit of an excited period where you want to talk to them a lot. Most fizzled out. The longer relationships remained as daily texting, just not multiple times! And the OLD winner - now my husband of 5 years - still texts daily (me: CBA, I’ll see him when he’s home!).

So in my own personal experience that sounds like quite low contact and that you’re not in a giddy excitement about each other. Which is fine. I’m absolutely not knocking that - just sharing my experience cos I actually don’t think that side of your friend is nuts. But… she’s a bit thick if she can’t see that we’re different. And she’s properly odd looking online for your dates!

Why are you telling her about them?!

I do not give her that much information whatsoever - she would find it all out herself.
i told her once my sister wanted to set me up with a guy from work. This was in the morning. She knew his first name, job title (as much as me). By the afternoon she was able to inform me he was full of ‘baggage’ - by ‘baggage’ she meant an ex wife and 2 children. How she had found out about it was beyond me. I had not even texted or met this guy. She told me to stay away from him as he had too much ‘baggage’

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BigFatLiar · 05/05/2022 12:18

Keep him, ditch her

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 12:20

LizzieSiddal · 05/05/2022 10:58

She watches me on whatsapp to see if I am online then messages to ask who I am speaking too

Sorry but your friend is odd and controlling towards you. You need to look at why you’re allowing her to behave like this.

Lizzie is right.
If your friend were a man you were dating, the cries of "run for the hills!" would being echoing to the, um, hills.

May I ask, as it's also relevant to your dating life, how confident are you of establishing & holding boundaries generally? Because your written style is of a woman who knows what she wants, is clear-sighted & reasonable, & considers others' expectations alongside her own (your comment about 'too soon for me too tell - or him!' particularly shows this).

But that doesn't chime with how you are allowing this 'friend' to behave, & how you are responding to her treatment of you. How is it you haven't told her to fuck off yet? If she were male, PP would rightly be saying she is grooming & stalking you. Add the harassment of 3rd parties (the Linkedin batshittery!) into that & I have to ask - why are you tolerating this bunny boiler?

Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 12:24

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 12:20

Lizzie is right.
If your friend were a man you were dating, the cries of "run for the hills!" would being echoing to the, um, hills.

May I ask, as it's also relevant to your dating life, how confident are you of establishing & holding boundaries generally? Because your written style is of a woman who knows what she wants, is clear-sighted & reasonable, & considers others' expectations alongside her own (your comment about 'too soon for me too tell - or him!' particularly shows this).

But that doesn't chime with how you are allowing this 'friend' to behave, & how you are responding to her treatment of you. How is it you haven't told her to fuck off yet? If she were male, PP would rightly be saying she is grooming & stalking you. Add the harassment of 3rd parties (the Linkedin batshittery!) into that & I have to ask - why are you tolerating this bunny boiler?

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I think my boundaries with female friends have been poor here.

She sort of came into my life at a time when I had just started my professional career (11/12 years ago) and we had gone through alot together. It has only been in the past 3/4 years or so that this behaviour has happened. Directly correlated with me being single.

I suppose I also think people have their own demons - I am not a perfect friend or person all the time - so can I always expect others to be. I do tend to give benefit of the doubt, but this is the last straw here.

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KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 12:29

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 12:01

Neither of them use social media
she does not like him using it - she does not like him playing sports or anyone on his team. She does not like him going to the gym with his sister - so he stopped telling her.

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Sounds like her H - (who, interestingly, you have never met, while she feels entitled to contact the ex of a random you had a date with 'on your behalf' but without even informing you) - is in a coercively controlling relationship with a personality disordered individual.

How did you meet this woman, & how long have you known her?
I'm asking because that might inform how this dynamic developed between you, & how hard it is going to be to exit your relationship with her.
She is bad news, you'd be well rid of her.

Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 12:32

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 12:29

Sounds like her H - (who, interestingly, you have never met, while she feels entitled to contact the ex of a random you had a date with 'on your behalf' but without even informing you) - is in a coercively controlling relationship with a personality disordered individual.

How did you meet this woman, & how long have you known her?
I'm asking because that might inform how this dynamic developed between you, & how hard it is going to be to exit your relationship with her.
She is bad news, you'd be well rid of her.

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See PP - it was just a gradual onset of a relationship. I think the best thing is to just cut her off TBH.

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Crimeismymiddlename · 05/05/2022 12:32

I would be far more worried about your strange friend who is so concerned about who you are casually dating she is researching them, messaging ex’s to check they are ex’s and I am assuming other insane nonsense.
Never tell her anything about dates, no names, places of work, not anything.

Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 12:35

We are all agreed I should continue seeing if anything develops with this guy - sorry the thread has turned into a bit of a psychoanalysing situation about this woman - was not the intention obviously so Thank You all for advice

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Scurryfunge12 · 05/05/2022 12:37

People here who are saying they wouldn’t expect much contact? What? Surely at this stage you’re trying to get to know each other to see if you’re relationship compatible so a couple of exchanges daily would be fairly standard as how are you supposed to get to know somebody if you don’t have regular contact?

OP, your current arrangement seems fine and your friend seems insecure and needy, and nosey to boot!

Those that are saying even daily contact would be too much though, I’m baffled 🤷‍♀️ It would depend how much and how much you liked each other, surely?

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 12:37

I think my boundaries with female friends have been poor here.

Please don't take any of my comments as criticism ... friendship politics can be even more of a minefield than sexual politics, & over a decade, it's easy to see how boundaries can slowly get eroded. The great thing is your clearsightedness on this now, & your resolve that this is the last straw.

SleeplessInEngland · 05/05/2022 12:40

Bit of a drip-feed thread. You have a friend problem, not a dating problem, as I think you realise.

PumpkinsandKittens · 05/05/2022 12:42

Scurryfunge12 · 05/05/2022 12:37

People here who are saying they wouldn’t expect much contact? What? Surely at this stage you’re trying to get to know each other to see if you’re relationship compatible so a couple of exchanges daily would be fairly standard as how are you supposed to get to know somebody if you don’t have regular contact?

OP, your current arrangement seems fine and your friend seems insecure and needy, and nosey to boot!

Those that are saying even daily contact would be too much though, I’m baffled 🤷‍♀️ It would depend how much and how much you liked each other, surely?

This is MN where people don’t like speaking on the phone or answering the door, so I would take it with a pinch of salt, I remember my sister saying in the early days of dating she expects daily contact as it gets less the more you get to know someone it does not increase so she would rather someone who was contacting daily to begin with than someone who barely contacts and then it becoming even less, must remember as well a lot of the posters on here are probably married so I wouldn’t take their opinions on what kind of contact should be in the early stages of dating.

Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 12:43

SleeplessInEngland · 05/05/2022 12:40

Bit of a drip-feed thread. You have a friend problem, not a dating problem, as I think you realise.

Yes have addressed it

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JinglingHellsBells · 05/05/2022 12:43

Two texts a day sounds quite a lot!

Those of us here who dated pre-mobile phones got hardly any contact between dates, especially after only 2 dates!

I used to get a mid-week phone call, or not even that, if the date was already arranged for later in the week.

And yes, the men were keen. It just wasn't the 'thing' to keep in contact ad nauseum on a daily or hourly basis.

I think people dating today make things far more complicated than they ought to be and tech advances aren't helping.

inmyslippers · 05/05/2022 12:45

Everyone has their own expectations. You sound happy don't let your friend ruin it

Scurryfunge12 · 05/05/2022 12:46

Maybe she is worried that when you get a boyfriend you’re going to ditch her? Some people forget about their mates in relationships and it sounds to me like she might be insecure trying to put you off him and checking up on you on WhatsApp.

I’ll bet that’s exactly what it is!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/05/2022 12:47

That’s plenty of contact at this stage - more would be a red flag

PumpkinsandKittens · 05/05/2022 12:47

JinglingHellsBells · 05/05/2022 12:43

Two texts a day sounds quite a lot!

Those of us here who dated pre-mobile phones got hardly any contact between dates, especially after only 2 dates!

I used to get a mid-week phone call, or not even that, if the date was already arranged for later in the week.

And yes, the men were keen. It just wasn't the 'thing' to keep in contact ad nauseum on a daily or hourly basis.

I think people dating today make things far more complicated than they ought to be and tech advances aren't helping.

See this is why
people think it’s a lot because they aren’t use to it and it was different when they was dating hence why you will get people who think contact once a week is normal, Times have changed and no that isn’t normal to only be in contact once a week, I wouldn’t bother with anyone who only contacted me once a week!

Herbarium · 05/05/2022 12:48

you will be encouraged to stick with it because he is a lawyer. I dare say if he was unemployed or worked in retail most would be telling you to LTB.

Also, OP, I love your refusal to use full stops

CousinKrispy · 05/05/2022 12:53

Even in the age of mobile phones, for some people it's perfectly normal to start out with a low level of contact when things aren't yet too full-on, and to progress to more frequent contact as the relationship deepens.

Obviously this isn't universal, but neither is the "contact will always drop off rather than increase" rule.

Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 12:53

Herbarium · 05/05/2022 12:48

you will be encouraged to stick with it because he is a lawyer. I dare say if he was unemployed or worked in retail most would be telling you to LTB.

Also, OP, I love your refusal to use full stops

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Its my stream of consiousness……

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Original poster

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 12:54

CousinKrispy · 05/05/2022 12:53

Even in the age of mobile phones, for some people it's perfectly normal to start out with a low level of contact when things aren't yet too full-on, and to progress to more frequent contact as the relationship deepens.

Obviously this isn't universal, but neither is the "contact will always drop off rather than increase" rule.

My longest and most compatible relationship from online
dating started like this to be fair - it ended because he had to move abroad - heartbreak high

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Anewdaydawns · 05/05/2022 13:07

I'd be more concerned about your friend than him tbh. Why is she so invested in your life? You've met this man twice, he's away working but texts you most days - if you're happy with that, I don't see what her problem is. Her checking out the history of potential dates would really bother me - that's for you to do if you choose. The thing about asking who you've been talking to on WhatsApp is nuts - doesn't she have anything to do? I suggest you stop telling her so much about your private life - she knows too much already.

MardyOldGoth · 05/05/2022 13:12

Blimey, what does your mate expect from a man she's been on two dates with? Hourly love letters?

I think it's fine but the only question is what do you think? Were you happy enough with the situation before your friend stuck her oar in? If so then ignore her and carry on with your texting while looking forward to date number 3.