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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

After two dates to expect this

152 replies

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 09:50

2 dates with a guy -
plan for a third when he gets back from working abroad mid May (lawyer in france)
texts most days one or two messages - nothing heavy
have not had sex and I do not plan to - no sex before monogamy for me (thanks Patti S)

friend says its laughable how uninterested he is in me and ‘how can I put up with that’

AIBU - he should be dumped because it will not go anywhere
YANBU - this is normal communication for a stranger

OP posts:
Aimee1987 · 05/05/2022 11:49

Astrabees · 05/05/2022 11:28

Aimee1987 I love a poster who makes ridiculous assertions about other people's lives. 39 years ago I fell into bed within a few hours of meeting someone I felt a strong attraction to. We were engaged within 2 weeks, married the following summer and celebrate our 38th wedding anniversary this year. We have two lovely grown up children, are very happy and still very attracted to each other. We are looking forward to being retired later in the year and having lots of fun - Dysfunctional? certainly not.
And back to the main question I think the OP seems to be in a good place for her with this relationship, and contact once a day sounds about right.

I really am glad that it worked out for you

The 2 relationships I know of where they either got engaged or moved in very quickly (in the scale of weeks) have both turned out to be abusive. Yes they are low numbers but if a woman came on here and said my new partner of a couple of weeks message me 100 times a day and has proposed to me after a month every poster would reply saying this is love bombing and screams of red flags.

Ok I take that dysfunctional may have been an inflammatory term but it not the normal progression of a relationship and I maintain that moving too fast is far more dangerous. Women being more susceptible to domestic abuse so I would argue far more of a warning bell for women to listen to.

Riverlee · 05/05/2022 11:49

Sounds fine to me.

Your friend is the one you should be more concerned about. Her interest in your love life sounds a bit intense.

SunshineCake · 05/05/2022 11:51

Sod all this crap about things not being usual these days. This is your life and you live it how you want.

DH and I met 26 years ago and had a couple of weeks of letters and phone calls before we met. We started dating that day and would ring each other every day. Once we got mobiles we texted every day whenever we wanted too. No messing about. Within a few weeks, maybe two months, we discussed our stance on sex. One friend made a comment but tbh since she is now divorced and DH and I are still married I am glad I ignored her comment as it was truly ridiculous.

This woman is not a friend and I would be asking yourself why the crying with laughter emoji when posting her behaviour.

Chinuplippyon · 05/05/2022 11:51

I'd start ignoring your friend, sounds like she is trying to sabotage things for you, contacting your dates without your knowledge and also telling you that this one isn't interested when it all sounds very nice and an appropriate level of contact. You've met twice only and he's working overseas for a bit so there's no point getting into an artificially deep level of intimacy online when you're not able to see each other. Thst could lead to forming an inaccurate idea of who someone really is. Better to just check in, get to know each other in a light, friendly way and then pick it up when you are able to meet.

Original poster
Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 11:52

Seraphinesupport · 05/05/2022 10:41

i think your wrong not to tell. him before he wastes time on you.

I for one couldnt be with someone who couldnt have sex before marriage as for me id want to know if we were sexually compatible before we married and i think not telling someone a deal breaker before you get serious is wrong.

Its not sex before marriage. I do not want to get married. Its sex before a relationship -
sorry if I made it confusing

OP posts:
thisplaceisweird · 05/05/2022 11:53

Your friend sounds totally unreasonable. I'd be edging away slowly!

Original poster
Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 11:54

MarshmallowSwede · 05/05/2022 11:14

Is your friend in a happy, emotionally stable place to give you relationship advice?

He is in a different country and has a job. No one has time to text all day. And a couple of texts a day is normal even for those of us married.. what’s going on with this need for constant contact? People have lives and don’t need to be on their phone all the time.

I wouldn’t take advcje from someone engaged after one month also.. what’s their marriage like? Are they still married? Does her partner/husband text her constantly.

You are fine OP.

I do not know what their relationship is like
I have never been formally introduced to him
she tells me ‘he is the right person’ for her and just goes on about he texted her 8-10 after their first date because he was so keen

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 05/05/2022 11:54

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 11:52

Its not sex before marriage. I do not want to get married. Its sex before a relationship -
sorry if I made it confusing

Show quote history

It wasn't confusing. I understood exactly what you meant. Because you said, "no sex before a monogamous relationship" or similar.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 11:55

she asked me ‘has he been in touch’ - I told her the above and that I had barely noticed, barely knew him and had only kissed him twice. She said ‘how can you put up with that’ - ‘he should be desperate to see you again.’

Your friend is high-maintenance, possibly because she only feels validated when men are chasing her. She got engaged to a man she'd known for a month, & wants you to be upset because a man you have met twice is in 'normal' contact with you & has already committed to a 3rd date ... ok, weird friend ...

She's either pathetic, & you can feel sorry for her.
Or she's manipulative, wants to make you feel insecure, & you can dump her.

You don't have a dating problem. You have a 'friend' problem. Stop paying any attention to the silly bitch. She's not dating your man - you are, so stop allowing her ridiculous opinions to influence you.

CousinKrispy · 05/05/2022 11:56

Sounds like a very normal level of contact to me at this stage, and the important thing is that you're happy with it.

I'm more concerned about your weird friend who seems to have no boundaries or respect for you. How do you feel about this and what outcome would you like to see? Are you prepared to set firm boundaries with her, e.g. to ignore her when she asks who you've been WhatsApping or tell her straight out that it's none of her business and you're no longer going to allow her to be so intrusive?

Original poster
Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 11:57

Ihatethenewlook · 05/05/2022 11:37

You’ve only met him twice and he’s already messaging you every single day. What exactly is she expecting him to do?

excatly
he does not even know me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 12:00

Aimee1987 · 05/05/2022 11:49

I really am glad that it worked out for you

The 2 relationships I know of where they either got engaged or moved in very quickly (in the scale of weeks) have both turned out to be abusive. Yes they are low numbers but if a woman came on here and said my new partner of a couple of weeks message me 100 times a day and has proposed to me after a month every poster would reply saying this is love bombing and screams of red flags.

Ok I take that dysfunctional may have been an inflammatory term but it not the normal progression of a relationship and I maintain that moving too fast is far more dangerous. Women being more susceptible to domestic abuse so I would argue far more of a warning bell for women to listen to.

Show quote history

@Aimee1987
I had a very fast moving relationship in my 20’s - engaged after six months I think. Yeah, he was abusive. After me for reasons not to do with true love - status and money. Thankfully worked it out before the wedding.

not all fast moving relationships end up this way though - but it can be a marker for abuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 12:01

Cocobeau · 05/05/2022 10:41

I'd bet any money your friend is the type of girl that feels the need to have a joint facebook account with her boyfriend/husband. Patti Stanger probably has a different name for people like your friend, but I like stage 5 clinger. Don't tell her anything else.

Neither of them use social media
she does not like him using it - she does not like him playing sports or anyone on his team. She does not like him going to the gym with his sister - so he stopped telling her.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 12:01

she has something to say about all my dating situations - to the point where she researches and looks them up. She even messaged one of their exes BEFORE I had gone on the date to check he was single. I was mortified. She also looked up one on Linkedin and (as she has the same job as me) the guy knew it would be one of my friends. He laughed and did not mind.

Well that explains it.
Her behaviour is a dominance display. She believes that single women are 'lesser', that it's healthy for people who have met twice to display 'desperation', & that you ought to humbly accept her outrageous interference in your romantic life.

As PP said - stop telling this loose cannon anything.
Unfortunately, she's likely cut up rough about it as she sees your life as some kind of narcissistic supply entertainment, so you'll need to be firm. Not sure how you've managed to put up with it so far - are you even sure you actually like her, or she you?

sayanythingelse · 05/05/2022 12:05

I think I'm in the minority as I would be expecting a bit more contact. I love those early, getting to know each other days. DH and I used to spend hours on Skype chatting. We were 19 and 24 though and it was 2011. I guess lawyers are probably a bit busier than we were.

What's important though, is it's right for you. Your friend sounds positively nutty and over invested in your love life.

tomatoandherbs · 05/05/2022 12:06

Op

you honestly seems to despise this “friend”!

Original poster
Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 12:09

CousinKrispy · 05/05/2022 11:56

Sounds like a very normal level of contact to me at this stage, and the important thing is that you're happy with it.

I'm more concerned about your weird friend who seems to have no boundaries or respect for you. How do you feel about this and what outcome would you like to see? Are you prepared to set firm boundaries with her, e.g. to ignore her when she asks who you've been WhatsApping or tell her straight out that it's none of her business and you're no longer going to allow her to be so intrusive?

I am starting to think it has honestly gone beyond boundaries. I think I have to cut her off. If a man was behaving like this to me - I would have dumped him. Its a bit different with a female friend but I think this is the last straw and I have no choice.

She is utterly obsessed with relationships - who married who, who was married before to who, how long they were single, how they met, what age they were when they met, who their exes are, how long they dated before a relationship…. one morning she messaged me to let me know a girl I went to Uni with got engaged (not interested, do not know the girl and frankly none of my business), followed by a screen shot of another girl we used to work with ( 10 years ago ) facebook profile - saying ‘I wonder if she has met anyone yet’. I was at the gym inbetween sets and could not give a hoot. No good morning - hope you have a nice day.

I was asking for dating advice but this has turned into a dumping about my friend. I think I just need to move on from her and let it go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 12:10

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 12:01

she has something to say about all my dating situations - to the point where she researches and looks them up. She even messaged one of their exes BEFORE I had gone on the date to check he was single. I was mortified. She also looked up one on Linkedin and (as she has the same job as me) the guy knew it would be one of my friends. He laughed and did not mind.

Well that explains it.
Her behaviour is a dominance display. She believes that single women are 'lesser', that it's healthy for people who have met twice to display 'desperation', & that you ought to humbly accept her outrageous interference in your romantic life.

As PP said - stop telling this loose cannon anything.
Unfortunately, she's likely cut up rough about it as she sees your life as some kind of narcissistic supply entertainment, so you'll need to be firm. Not sure how you've managed to put up with it so far - are you even sure you actually like her, or she you?

She sees it as entertainment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 12:11

tomatoandherbs · 05/05/2022 12:06

Op

you honestly seems to despise this “friend”!

I think its the last straw @tomatoandherbs - I think its over. I have tolerated too much for too long.

OP posts:
Testina · 05/05/2022 12:11

I’d be really interested to know why you keep giving her enough information to look people up (and contract their ex?!!!) despite knowing what she’s like.

Honestly, when I was OLD, every person I dated would text daily - a bit of an excited period where you want to talk to them a lot. Most fizzled out. The longer relationships remained as daily texting, just not multiple times! And the OLD winner - now my husband of 5 years - still texts daily (me: CBA, I’ll see him when he’s home!).

So in my own personal experience that sounds like quite low contact and that you’re not in a giddy excitement about each other. Which is fine. I’m absolutely not knocking that - just sharing my experience cos I actually don’t think that side of your friend is nuts. But… she’s a bit thick if she can’t see that we’re different. And she’s properly odd looking online for your dates!

Why are you telling her about them?!

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 12:12

Seraphinesupport · 05/05/2022 10:41

i think your wrong not to tell. him before he wastes time on you.

I for one couldnt be with someone who couldnt have sex before marriage as for me id want to know if we were sexually compatible before we married and i think not telling someone a deal breaker before you get serious is wrong.

Are you the Sex Police?
Do people have to declare their sexual ideals upfront to other people they've met twice, in case someone ... OMG!! ... wastes time on human contact other than instant shagging?

What a bizarre & unpleasant outlook. All about shopping for a commodity, & no space for a meeting of minds.

Also ... OP doesn't subscribe to 'no sex before marriage'. She simply wishes to establish monogamy first. I expect you were too busy not wasting time to read her post properly.

DogWithMyOwnRoom · 05/05/2022 12:12

motogirl · 05/05/2022 10:33

Sounds appropriate to me, though is he aware of your stance on sex. There's nothing wrong with your decision if that's right for you but it's fair to be up front with someone you are dating as it's unusual these days.

What now?
“no sex before monogamy” is unusual these days? !! Really don’t think so… how old are you @motogirl ?
Dating several people at once - yes/maybe
Sleeping with - surely that’s exclusive?

Original poster
Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 12:13

Testina · 05/05/2022 12:11

I’d be really interested to know why you keep giving her enough information to look people up (and contract their ex?!!!) despite knowing what she’s like.

Honestly, when I was OLD, every person I dated would text daily - a bit of an excited period where you want to talk to them a lot. Most fizzled out. The longer relationships remained as daily texting, just not multiple times! And the OLD winner - now my husband of 5 years - still texts daily (me: CBA, I’ll see him when he’s home!).

So in my own personal experience that sounds like quite low contact and that you’re not in a giddy excitement about each other. Which is fine. I’m absolutely not knocking that - just sharing my experience cos I actually don’t think that side of your friend is nuts. But… she’s a bit thick if she can’t see that we’re different. And she’s properly odd looking online for your dates!

Why are you telling her about them?!

I suppose she made it out I was a hopeless dater and needed her help. I will not be telling her much more as I have realised it is nuts

OP posts:
PumpkinsandKittens · 05/05/2022 12:15

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 12:12

Are you the Sex Police?
Do people have to declare their sexual ideals upfront to other people they've met twice, in case someone ... OMG!! ... wastes time on human contact other than instant shagging?

What a bizarre & unpleasant outlook. All about shopping for a commodity, & no space for a meeting of minds.

Also ... OP doesn't subscribe to 'no sex before marriage'. She simply wishes to establish monogamy first. I expect you were too busy not wasting time to read her post properly.

Show quote history

I agree with this and found pps comment weird, why would you need to discuss sex with someone you’ve only just met? So you should tell every man you speak to you won’t have sex before commitment 🤨 erm no?!

BadNomad · 05/05/2022 12:15

I don't agree with how your friend said it, but I do think I'd expect a bit more contact from someone who was interested in getting to know me better. Waiting until a date to have a conversation is a bit crap.