Deep down do any parents regret having child number 2?

[HangingBranches]

I don't mean this to be goady- am constantly going round in circles about whether or not to have a second child.

Before having DC I wanted lots. Had DC (now 3) and suffered from post natal anxiety, possible some depression but not officially diagnosed. I found the first year so very hard. No sleep, no freedom and my anxiety was through the roof. I adored my son from the moment I knew I was expecting him and that has never wavered, he is the most joyful amazing thing in my life and so I do feel like I want another, I'm just scared to upset the apple cart so to speak.

I don't think I could cope with him and a newborn. He's still a handful and I need some quiet time. It's only just getting easier and I'm only just feeling happier at a more consistent level. DH swore never again when DS was little- he was incredibly high needs, colic, reflux, didn't sleep until he was two etc. Everything was difficult. Now DH is desperate for another but he is putting me under pressure to do so.

I'm 37, tired but could maybe manage number 2, although I always say if I could give birth to a 2 year old I'd do it, I don't like pregnancy or the baby stage!

Just don't know if I should stop beating myself up and enjoy my life as it is, or roll the dice again.

Would be interested to hear from any parents who were undecided and went for it and how the really feel about their situation.

No advice just hear to bump you. However if you are to have a second make sure your husband pulls his weight now with the. Hold are and your child's needs and yours before you do decide. Also heard loads of people say how am hard it is but not once has anyone said they regret having their second child

You have written so many negatives that I can’t see why you’d want another, and please don’t say to give your child a sibling, or in case you’d regret it.
If you took an A4 piece of paper, drew a line in the middle from top to bottom, wrote positives on one side and negatives on the other, I think you’d have your answer.

My second wasn’t planned - and I felt worried as you are ex ante - but I can honestly say that she’s been the best thing that ever happened to all of us. She and her older sister have a lovely relationship and watching them play together when they were little was perhaps the top highlight of motherhood for me. (I accept I’m really lucky to have two who are friends, though- I know it’s not guaranteed.). And my first was quite a tricky baby, whereas the second was a good sleeper and just fitted in (again, not necessarily the case, I know!). So I am so, so glad that we had her (as is my DH).

Two makes for more complicated logistics as they get older, of course - but if they do play together, you’re relieved of the constant burden of entertainment when they get a bit older.

Not sure that helps, really, as every situation is different. But speaking personally, no, I’ve never regretted it for a second.

It depends if you feel you’ll regret the decision in the future. I had the opposite as in my first was an absolute angel but boy did I get a massive wake up call when I had my second. She screamed for eight hours all day every day and I was a mess trying to cope. You’re little one may be able to go to a daycare or play school soon which will a) tire him out and b) give you a break to concentrate on a new baby.
The fact you are thinking about it and your DH is on board I would give it serious consideration but take your time, the baby stage is difficult but does go quickly. Could you stretch to getting an au pair for a short while to help out? Good luck with your decision making, it’s a hard one.

This is my opinion which isn't favoured on MN.

I had a high needs baby and the relief / joy / enjoyment of getting my first baby to 3+ was immense. But I also felt selfish denying them a chance fo a sibling relationship. So I'm doing it again. The way I see it is we may face a few more rough years and have another high needs baby. But from 2.5-3+ it becomes infinitely easier and the long term benefit of having siblings is worth the 'short term' stress. I'm prepared to get flamed but that's how I made my choice. I couldn't feel comfortable having an only child purely because the first 2 years are draining (if you've got a high needs baby)

Sorry that came across as negative! My point was that all babies are very different and your second may be very placid.

I don’t think i am your target audience because I always knew I wanted more than 1.

I am replying though because I recognise your struggles - potentially undiagnosed depression in hindsight, loneliness on mat leave (we had moved to a new area), ages to get help with reflux, sleep deprivation that I cant even express into words ….. tick tick tick.

That said, I found it so much easier
the 2nd time. I was so much more confident and kind to myself - didnt pressure myself to attend groups etc. No reflux! Co slept. Forced my DH to pull
his weight.

I had other issues eg terrible c section recovery but I was just mentally so much calmer and kinder to myself.

My 2 girls are thick as thieves now and it is so much easier for me as they play together and the 2nd one learns things faster trying to be like her big sis (imho) so I found it amazing.

Agree with PP about a sheet of paper with pros and cons but also remember babies can be so different. My 2nd NOT having reflux was a GAME CHANGER. I thought i was a shit mum for so long. i am not :-). But reflux is definitely shit.

Good luck.

You dont sound like you actually want another child OP- and that's perfectly fine.

I didnt have a difficult start with the first so maybe unfair of me to say but- years go by quickly. Babies/ Toddlers are full on and hard work- if you have money to throw at childcare and help then do- but its 2-3yrs.

The question is do you want another child, another child to raise?

One thing I will say is having a second is DIFFERENT. I loved becoming a mother with DD1, it was hugely challenging (your boy sounds like her as a baby!) but so absorbing and the love, the obsession, felt like such a revelation... So was desperate to do it all again.

Having two is different because you can't just be sucked up in that small baby universe - even while you're giving birth and (as I was) in hospital for a day or two afterwards, you're thinking about your eldest and how you need to get back to them. Those first weeks while everyone adjusts, you feel you can't give attention to one without taking it away from the other. I couldn't do that bit again, I hadn't expected it to be so heartbreaking.

Second borns do slot in more easily to your existing routine because they have to. But I also found it harder to bond with number two because there was so much else going on in my life. Even now she feels a bit like a little stranger and she's 15 months! Whereas I was utterly wrapped up in eldest at the same age.

So if you're after a repeat of last time you won't get it.

However it is good now having the balance in our family rather than DD1 being the centre of our universe. I can already see through their interactions with each other how good the sibling relationship will be for them both. And DP feels far more competent and is far more involved this time, whereas with DD1 he became a bit of an outsider which negatively affected our relationship.

No-one can decide this for you, but certainly it's good to know what you're letting yourself in for!

I was adamant i wasnt having another. I had a relatively easy birth with my son but from a toddler age i would describe him as a little sod. Running off, dare devil doing scary stuff, had to have eyes in the back of my head....i then had my unplanned 2nd child when my son was 9 and i found her very hard work. She has been what i call a velco child. She only wanted me, still does really. She still calls me in the middle of the night and i get in her single bed with her. Its been difficult for my son as he had me to himself for all those years and i would say the age gap has made things difficult to do things together. Anything age related for him is too old for her. Anything for her is babyish for him. Also his almost 14 so i would have been starting to have more freedom but im still doing story time bed time etc with my daughter. I guess what im trying to say is if you do have a second think about the age gap. Whereas it was helpful my son was older and didnt need me as much it really is starting again. I had to push a pram around visiting secondary schools with him and i do feel guilty im not able to give him as much time as i used to.

I've got one ds and never had another through choice.The early days were bad and I knew I didn't want that again.Hes 8 now and our lives are much happier than many people k k ow with two or more children due to having more time more money and more sleep!

My "second" was twins. Best decision I ever made. But I never would have deliberately made my eldest a single child as I think it's a bit selfish personally (medical issues aside obviously). You have focused a lot on the negatives. Your second could well be the easiest baby in the world.

I don't regret it for a minute, have never even thought about it

I do think it must be quite insulting to the first one to say "I never had another because you were so tiring/ hard work" but such is life!

You better decide fast though given you are 37

Echoing others, your long list of reasons against is far longer than the ones for having another (why are you second guessing this?).

I’ve always wanted 2 and 2 is what I have. I have never questioned this decision. Sometimes I look at babies and feel broody- that is normal. I also look at puppies and kittens and think they’re absolutely adorable. Bottom line is that every living thing grows up and I don’t want another child.

Oh and the other thing - babyhood goes by SO FAST the second time around. DD1 I felt like I was on mat leave forever, like my whole life had changed. DD2 it went by in the blink of an eye, feels a bit like a dream I once had. So if it's just dread of the baby stage again, you'll be amazed how it flies by even if it's tough again.

Yes,massively.Dont get me wrong I love the bones of dd2 (10) and she is such a character but every day since even beginning of the pregnancy has been hard hard work,would have been so simpler sticking to one.

My mum regrets her second, sort of. She loves my brother but she didn’t really want a second but gave in to family pressure.

He was an easy baby but a difficult child and is a challenging adult! I’m much more straightforward I guess.

We all love him, but when discussing children (I have one DD and not having anymore) my mum admitted that if she had her time over she’d have stuck at 1.
That sounds awful written down, but it is what it is. She adores him, he had a lovely childhood as did I, so it’s not like he is a huge regret or anything but it’s not something she can really say without judgement. But she says she wasn’t really cut out for two and she has found my brother hard work (he had some behavioural issues due to late diagnosed dyslexia) and as an adult makes some pretty poor choices.

I don’t agree with the “giving a sibling” reasoning - you cannot guarantee any particular sibling relationship, I love my siblings and we get on well but many siblings do not get on at all as children or adults and there are plenty of very happy only children too. Have another because YOU want another child for their own sake, not as a sibling for the older child, if there is a good sibling relationship then that is a bonus.

I always knew I wanted more than one, and thought I would want three but actually two is enough. I have enough capacity to parent the way I want to with two, I do not have capacity for three. Do you have capacity to be the parent you want to be for two, or just one (and if it is just one that is absolutely fine)? You may not be sure, but that’s the way I think about it.

Hi OP

It's a hard decision if you've had a difficult first baby.

I did regret mine at first. I had a pretty average first baby but my second was a nightmare, issues feeding, sleeping, just very hard work. I ended up putting my first in nursery full time as I couldn't cope with two and I ended up off work with a flare up of a chronic illness that got the better of me for quite a few months. For the first two years I did wonder if I'd made a massive mistake

Saying that now I wouldn't change it even in hindsight, they are now 4 and amazing (and do get on great with their sibling which I know is not guaranteed) and I can't imagine our family with just 3 of us

No, aside from the initial sleep deprivation which goes with two under 2 I found it easier with 2. I wasn't the centre of dc2's world in the same way I was with dc1. I spent far less time sitting on the floor playing mind numbingly boring games as they'd rather play with each other than me. It helps that they are close and don't fight. My friend has 2 dds, 18 months apart, and they are never not fighting. That would get me down.

I was very nervous throughout my 2nd pregnancy that I would hate having 2, I hadn't enjoyed the baby stage and was just worried about it all. They're 7 and 9 now and I am sooo glad I had 2. They've got each other and whilst they squabble sometimes, they're good friends and they have played together a lot since the youngest was about 2.5. It was 100% the right decision to have a 2nd, although it was tricky with the baby and toddler - but we survived and even thrived in the end!
I wish I'd have had a 3rd now, but I haven't got the energy :-)

I was 100% sure about DC2 and had them ASAP. The pregnancy was awful then he had health issues and was very impactful in terms of personality. He is 19 months now, still doesn’t sleep, health issues are improved but he loves screaming and tantruming. He’s just so energetic and bright - It’s hard work. I have never regretted having him but mine and my DH have struggled, mentally and physically, over the past 18 months with the never ending issues. This isn’t his fault. We are responsible for our mental well-being and our children’s. You can’t expect a passive baby who slips in with your routine. DC2 has been a complete wrecking ball. That being said, I am 7 months pregnant with DC3 and I’m hoping he’ll slip in with our routine 😂

I had a second so that I would have something to live for if I lost the first. Not an edifying reason, but she is delightful, they both are. It is fascinating how two girls brought up in the same family can be so different,

No, I don’t regret it at all. You sound like you will though and there is no need to have another child.

My DD didnt sleep through until she was about three, delayed speech and walking, I had a nightmare birth, and by the time she was three I was pushing 40 and we were in a difficult financial situation.

I think it was the best decision, when DD was growing up it was great just being the three of us.