Deep down do any parents regret having child number 2?

[HangingBranches]

I don't mean this to be goady- am constantly going round in circles about whether or not to have a second child.

Before having DC I wanted lots. Had DC (now 3) and suffered from post natal anxiety, possible some depression but not officially diagnosed. I found the first year so very hard. No sleep, no freedom and my anxiety was through the roof. I adored my son from the moment I knew I was expecting him and that has never wavered, he is the most joyful amazing thing in my life and so I do feel like I want another, I'm just scared to upset the apple cart so to speak.

I don't think I could cope with him and a newborn. He's still a handful and I need some quiet time. It's only just getting easier and I'm only just feeling happier at a more consistent level. DH swore never again when DS was little- he was incredibly high needs, colic, reflux, didn't sleep until he was two etc. Everything was difficult. Now DH is desperate for another but he is putting me under pressure to do so.

I'm 37, tired but could maybe manage number 2, although I always say if I could give birth to a 2 year old I'd do it, I don't like pregnancy or the baby stage!

Just don't know if I should stop beating myself up and enjoy my life as it is, or roll the dice again.

Would be interested to hear from any parents who were undecided and went for it and how the really feel about their situation.

Having a second is harder work. You need to work out if you are prepared for more work or not! For us we decided it was worth it, we wanted two and we were very lucky as pregnancy 2 and baby 2 were both easier than 1. That is in no way guaranteed however!
We have support locally and baby 1 went to a few nursery sessions a week to give me some time with just baby. It’s still logistically tricky now but they play together nicely a lot of the time and once they are at school it all gets easier again! You need to work out if you’re prepared to do the baby years again, they were the hardest for me.

I genuinely can't believe someone would suggest it's selfish only having one child.

Wtaf.

DH and I always knew we wanted 2 DC, but even so I found going from 1 to 2 incredibly hard. People tell you that second babies "just slot in" but that wasn't my experience. Our second was a much more high-needs baby and toddler than the first, nothing that worked for our first worked for our second so it felt like being a clueless ftm all over again. Second is now 3.5 yo and although life is definitely getting easier some days are still hard. I would be lying if I said I'd never had moments of regret, because the truth is that although I adore them both life would be easier if we'd stopped at one. But they are just moments. There are also moments of joy, fun and laughter in amongst all the drudgery and that's what keeps you going.

I was in your situation. Bad PND, unsure about number 2, 37 and tired running round after 3 year old. I had cool removed then we changed our minds. We decided to stick at 1. I accidentally got pregnant. Having DS number 2 was the best thing that ever happened to us. Totally completes our family . I had PND again but despite this DS is wonderful. DH who didn’t want us to go through the wringer again agrees that number 2 was the best thing ever. We have 3yrs , 8 months between them and they get on brilliantly. DS1 was helpful with the baby and I only had one in nappies to worry about at once.

My first child was a nightmare it got to the point where I'd just cry and cry and cry before taking him to bed as i knew he'd never sleep and neither would I it took many years to get past that stage.
My second child was an absolute dream he'd sleep 6pm to 6am all the way through from 6 weeks old. No problems what so ever.

All kids are different basically. Just because you had a bad time the first time doesn't mean you will the second time.

However if your happy with one and don't really want another - why rock the boat.

A wise woman said to me many years ago that if you’ve got one kid, you can still have a life, but if you have 2 all you can do is have 2 kids. She was spot on.

Yes I massively regret ever having 2. Partly because of the personalities involved, and the situation that the second was born into. But also if I’d stuck with just one life would have been immeasurably easier in so many ways.

That’s not to say I don’t love my second dc, of course I do. But if I could turn back time…

@1940s

No guarantees they will have a good sibling relationship or one at all. DS2 is autistic, huge friction growing up and as adults they barely speak.

I did for a few years, he was a very high needs child nowadays I cannot believe I felt like that.
He is still challenging at times but he is an amazing little guy now.

Absolutely not. I always wanted a second and went ahead without any hesitation. I personally didn't find the transitioning from 1 to 2 children hard at all.
I think it sounds like your mind is already made up and your only reconsidering because of your dh. My advice is go with your gut instinct. Good luck!

I always thought I’d have two, but baby number one came later in life, so she snd financial concerns means it’s a no from us.

I wouldn't be without either of my children, however if I could roll both if them in to one child, that'd be preferable. They're both wonderful little humans and I adore them, but I'd be a parent and a happier individual if there was only 1 of them.

*better parent

I stuck at one. I found the first 4 yrs so incredibly hard for several reasons and I just knew I wasn't cut out for another and too scared to potentially ruin the life we have.

I do feel bad at times, mine would have been a fantastic sibling but I look at all the positives (of which there are many) and think we're really not doing too badly.

Incidentally I am very mindful of them being lonely. I might over compensate but so far they seem to be be exceptionally happy and have a pretty great life!

You'll get more people coming here to say no2 was the right decision than saying it was he wrong decision. People wont admit admit it. It's also irrelevant to your life that you will have to live.

I was happy with one - my wife was keen on another but never any pressure. I couldn't imagine not having the second now. Never regretted it - love him to bits.

I don't ever regret having an 'only' DC , I look at people with more than one DC and the majority of them are stressed, busy, financially and emotionally stretched, constantly juggling the needs of their DC (let alone their own needs). I don't want that for my DS, my DH or myself. I think people are mad if they believe they should 'give' their DC a sibling . My DS is 21 now, happy, confident and with a wide circle of friends.

I had a high needs baby, colic and constant screaming for 6 months straight, she was such a miserable baby and toddler I couldn’t take her anywhere really or she would scream. I hated the baby stage and said never again. Then I had another child when she was 3 and a half. She was a lot more chill and independent by that stage.

My second baby was a breeze, an absolute angel and the complete opposite of my first born. My first born is still much more work then the baby and they are 4 and 1 now. I don’t regret my 2nd child for a second and I had a 10000x more positive experience this time round. However there is no guarantees and I was sure I wanted to have one more child so if you don’t think you can cope I really wouldn’t put yourself through it, it’s hard work having two and a lot of pressure!

We stopped at one. No regrets. Much freer life compared with friends who had a second.
He always, and still, does, have loads of friends and was never lonely.

I could have written this post, OP. I'm 37 with a 4 year old.

I agree with @LunaDeet @VeryGoodVeryNice and @Meadowland

I found the 1st 2.5 years extremely hard. Totally unprepared for being a mother. Severe post partum MH issues, DP is crap/lazy with DD, loss of identity and she's not an easy kid at all. I love her to the ends of the earth but I know my limitations and another would break me. It doesn't stop me feeling sad and wondering what if, but I'd rather do my best for DD than a shouty stressed out mum to two as I'm already stressed out enough.

I think if I had a lot of family support and a great partner I would have considered two. I'm sure it is hard work but worth it in the long term. I think it's about looking to yourself and asking what you really want and putting a plan in place for practicalities if you had two.

Good luck

Not at all, I had my second when my eldest was just over two, it's good to do before the eldest gets too independent I think otherwise it's harder and harder to go back to the baby stage. It was hard, but now they're 9 and 7 all a distant memory. They get on hugely although there is the chance they just bicker a lot! Short term pain for long term gain!

Your username

I did at times. Not the children themselves but I regretted having two children so close together (15 months apart) I was incredibly overwhelmed and exhausted but I couldn't regret DC2 herself as she was the most beautiful child inside and out and the light of my life.

My two are very different and only get along some of the time - so don't do it thinking you'll have a pair of best friends!

Put supports in place if money allows. I reckon most of us would have more children if we had ample support and help. It's not the children that are hard, it's the isolation, the exhaustion, the lack of personal space and peace.