Deep down do any parents regret having child number 2?

[HangingBranches]

I don't mean this to be goady- am constantly going round in circles about whether or not to have a second child.

Before having DC I wanted lots. Had DC (now 3) and suffered from post natal anxiety, possible some depression but not officially diagnosed. I found the first year so very hard. No sleep, no freedom and my anxiety was through the roof. I adored my son from the moment I knew I was expecting him and that has never wavered, he is the most joyful amazing thing in my life and so I do feel like I want another, I'm just scared to upset the apple cart so to speak.

I don't think I could cope with him and a newborn. He's still a handful and I need some quiet time. It's only just getting easier and I'm only just feeling happier at a more consistent level. DH swore never again when DS was little- he was incredibly high needs, colic, reflux, didn't sleep until he was two etc. Everything was difficult. Now DH is desperate for another but he is putting me under pressure to do so.

I'm 37, tired but could maybe manage number 2, although I always say if I could give birth to a 2 year old I'd do it, I don't like pregnancy or the baby stage!

Just don't know if I should stop beating myself up and enjoy my life as it is, or roll the dice again.

Would be interested to hear from any parents who were undecided and went for it and how the really feel about their situation.

I adore both of my DC, and I've never regretted having DS(3). He's definitely the more difficult of the two, though! DD(8) had CMPA and was an awful baby because of that (until we got it sorted), and she still doesn't really eat well, whereas DS was a dream baby in comparison and ate/eats everything. Neither of them slept until we did sleep training (much earlier with DS!), and since then they've both slept perfectly.

They love one another and play nicely most of the time, although DS does get a bit rough with DD sometimes, and DD can be snappy with DS if she's not in the mood.

The only thing I regret is that sometimes I feel like I've missed out on a lot of DD's "nice years", IE post toddler, pre preteen, where she still wants to spend time with us. If we go out somewhere DD usually ends up with DH or DM whilst I trail behind with DS, because he won't go with anyone else. It happens at home, too. It's getting better but I do feel I've missed some of her growing up because I've got DS clinging to me, either jealous that DD is getting my attention or just not wanting to be with another adult.

Other than that(!), no real regrets.

My husband was really reluctant to have a second baby.

I have health conditions that make pregnancy very risky so we always said that if both me and the baby got through the pregnancy/birth and stayed well then we’d count our blessings and stick at one.

Our baby was very high needs - the first year was incredibly, incredibly difficult and definitely took a toll on my mental health and on our marriage.

When our son was 18 months old I started to feel broody and raised the idea of a second baby with my DH, and for the reasons mentioned above, he was adamant he didn’t want another.

Apart from wanting to simply add to our family, it was also very important to me that our son wasn’t an only child.

Me and DH had lots of conversations about it and after about 12 months of debating it, he did then agree to TTC for a second but in hindsight I think he was only about 60-75% up for it.

Anyhow, we have two boys and it is so so special.

Our second one was also high needs, even more so than the first, but I was able to take it much more in my stride. The first baby was a shock to the system but I sort of knew what to expect with the second so although the difficulties were there (and worse) I just sort of knew how to handle things that time round.

My boys have the most amazing bond - they really love each other - and when I see them being happy together and see their sibling relationship develop every day
….well there’s no feeling like it.

My husband, who was very reluctant about having another baby will now say that it was the best thing we ever did.

The second baby bought so much joy to mine and DH’s life but he had also been an absolute blessing for our first son.

At the end of the day OP, it’s completely your decision and your decisions for being reluctant are absolutely valid. It’s your body, and your mental health that will take the brunt so unless it’s something you really want then don’t feel pressurised into your final decision.

I don't regret it. I found the first couple of years extremely challenging, the newborn stage a real shock to the system with my first. It was very tough. But the urge to have another was there and I got pregnant and spent my pregnancy dreading the birth and thinking what have I done, I've ruined our lives.

Then she appeared and I've loved every minute! I've cherished every moment of her babyhood, I've become the relaxed mum i always wanted to be. It's been very healing in a way. And the pair of them adore each other.

Having a second child is really different to having a first child. You know what you're up against, you also know if your family is complete so you have all that joy and nostalgia at the last of your babies firsts. It is very special and I would recommend it.

'Even now she feels a bit like a little stranger and she's 15 months! Whereas I was utterly wrapped up in eldest at the same age.'

I get this! I actually think it's a much healthier dynamic tbh. The first child relationship for us was and still is really intense.

I had a second child not by choice, after the initial shock we were excited about the baby’s arrival. Even though we’d always planned to stick at 1.

He was born with a physical birth defect which meant weekly hospital appointments for the first few months, an operation and then several visits a year for the rest of school age. He’s doing really well, but it’s a lot on top of the normal family stuff. He also has other medical needs. I spend a lot of time booking and attending medical appointments.

We love him dearly and we’ve never regretted having him. We don’t mind the extra effort amd sleepless nights due to his condition.

So you do need to be prepared that your second child could have far greater needs than your first. You might also have twins, as happened to my friend. Could you cope in this scenario? It’s far more common than people think- especially at your age as the risks are far greater. Sorry to say but most mums I know in their late thirties had something happen to them, tricky or dangerous pregnancies & births/ birth defects.

I didn't but then I didn't have a lot the issues you had after baby 1 so I'm not sure how I'd feel in your shoes. You're taking a gamble if you do, you could have the easiest baby in the world or you could have a baby who doesn't sleep at all. there's no way of knowing beforehand unfortunately

I have one and am sticking with one. I love DC so much, but it was too hard and I have no doubt that another would brake me.

I had a 2nd even though I don't enjoy the baby stage. I hated pregnancy as well. It was all so....functional. Like I existed just to ensure the survival of another being.
I just knew that I wanted more than one child though and I've never regretted it. After the toddler stage, it's easier. The kids have each other for company and I've always had time to myself here and there.
It sounds like you're feeling pressure to have another and don't want one yourself. Don't do it if it's not something you want as well.

If I was in your shoes I'd stick with one.

I don't regret DC2, but I would in no way have a second purely to give the first a sibling. My DC are the same sex, 3.5 years apart, and don't get on at all. They have very different personality types and interests. They never choose to spend time together, and never have done. I think each would be very happy as an only.

I would add though that having had a very hard time with DC1 (not dissimilar to what you describe) I managed better second time around. DC2 was no easier, but forewarned is forearmed. In the days before DC2's birth I remember asking DH if he remembered how awful it was, and could we make a pact just to grind through and not consider divorce until DC2 was at least two. Just knowing that there's an end to the sheer exhausting relentlessness of a difficult baby really helps.

We weren't going to have a second but had a contraception failure when DD was 2. I found it much much easier going from 1 to 2 than 0 to 1. DD2 just slot in somehow. Caveat neither of mine were particularly high needs babies I just found the lifestyle change very difficult at first when DD1 was born. They are now 3 and 5 and play together really well most of the time.

I’ve only one. I wanted more, but couldn’t have them. Now, for myself, I’m glad I’ve only one. My DD isn’t an easy child and I’d have struggled, I think. For her, I’m really sad. She’s a very lonely child. I sometimes wonder if she would have been less difficult if she weren’t so lonely, but there’s no way to know. She might have found things harder and been more challenging. Or she might have chilled out with a crew mate. Who knows?

There are no guarantees here. You just have to go with your gut, I reckon.

My second was much easier than my first. But I really wanted a second.
In my experience though, all the practical concerns I'd worried about weren't an issue when DC2 was here.

You might regret it - I know some mother's who love their DC but wish they'd stopped sooner.

I have three - if we'd had a fourth I don't think we'd have regretted it but we are very glads we did stopped at three now.

We did go round in circles both at different times thinking a fourth would be a good idea - had horrible thrid pg due to medical service in that area- but by time youngest was 6 and we'd moved away from that area and settles we were both no - partly as teh dc all had own room in new house, partly cost and partly the age gap was larger than we wanted.

DD1 was high needs not as bad as yours and I coped well - DS next was easiest baby in world - however the both struggled with school needing a lot of additional help - and we are looking at various dignoses for them in later teens. DD2 was also a high need not as bad as eldest however no school issues at all.

Mine do all get along and they are all doing well and I've really for the most part enjoyed having them.

However every child is a gamble so best I can suggest is being very onboard rather than talked into something you are not sure about.

WTF is that judgement of being "selfish"??
Like it's wrong to not want to sacrifice everything just to "give your child a sibling". Like having a sibling is always a positive thing, and not having one is always a negative thing. Is there any scientific proof of that?

Saying "I believe it's beneficial for a child to have siblings" is one thing, but labelling someone who doesn't want to have more that one child as "selfish" (i.e. "bad") is 🤮🤮🤮.

OP I had anxiety with my first, particularly in Covid years, my DS is very demanding and we have to be on the go a lot. I also love and miss quiet time and am older.

Knowing myself I know I would have more regret not having another one (I'm the kind of person to harbour regrets) and feel guilty for my DS being an only & I just know I'd personally struggle with that even if he's fine, so decided to go again.

Also, my body kind of took over and went 'lets frigging get pregnant', maybe a subconscious thing.

My girls are 2.5 years apart and I remember thinking why - just when everything is going so well and we were enjoying life with our first and so in love with her - why would we want to mess it up with another child when there couldn't possibly be a space in our heart for another. Well - I honestly don't know it works - but it did - there was enough space and effect for us was greater than we could have imagined - we have no regrets - my wife wanted to stop at 2 - I really wanted another girl (ideally) but.. obviously - the final decision was not mine. For us - DC2 benefitted from having us as more relaxed and experienced parents but - to be fair - she was a completely different child in so many ways - no doubt your next child would be a very different personality and the experience will be quite different from what you might imagine or expect so... there's no real way to know. We just didn't want an only child - we both came from families where we were one of three children - maybe that made a difference to how we looked at things. The girls have been good company and friends and supported each other through difficult times at school and through exams - they (and we) have a lot of nice memories of the two of them - we saw them as a couple who always did things together. The mistake we made - if anything - was thinking that 2nd time around we'd handle the work of looking after a new born better - for some reason - it seemed harder the 2nd time around but I think it was because we didn't think or plan anywhere near as much as we did with DC1 and we weren't so keyed up for the big event. Having a second was like discovering that with DC1 we were only seeing half of the full picture.

My first was a very high needs baby, after an awful birth - hours and hours of screaming, couldn’t put him down, didn’t sleep through the night until he was 2-3, just really hard work. I struggled to bond with him honestly until he was about 4 months old - I felt a duty of care, but not the all encompassing love I was expecting. I didn’t get help, but probably should have. He has remained very hard work, and turns out he has ADHD (not suggesting your son does at all!).

I had my second when he was 2.5, and it was a real revelation - he was so chilled out! He slept well, fed well, happy to be in a chair or swing or buggy, and was so content! They had a lovely relationship and still do (mostly). The age gap was nice, as they are still interested in the same sorts of things.

My third little surprise arrived when the middle one was just starting school, and has been the easiest of the lot! I had all day at home with baby when the older ones were at school, and I was so much more relaxed and confident as I knew how to be a mum, and didn’t have the guilt of trying to entertain a toddler but needing to see to the baby!

So no, I don’t regret it. But financially 3 is making things extremely tight.

I have written a similar post to yours OP, and am in the same boat as you! I don't agree with people saying write a list of pros and cons, because not all pros and cons are made equal. For example, not liking the baby stage (same here) is only a temporary negative as they do grow up, but regretting not having a larger family could last a lifetime.

Also I appreciate the honesty of the poster above who said she had a second child so that she'd have something to live for if something happened to her first.

I don't regret my second - I do regret the age gap (6 years) and wish I'd had him sooner. It's a really rubbish age gap.

I know how you feel OP.

My little girl is 2.5 so I feel under pressure to have another so she has a sibling and there isn't a big age gap.

I'm not ready though, and I'm not that keen on going through the whole pregnancy/birth again. I didn't even have a hard time, neither has my little girl been difficult. She's slept through since the beginning for example.

Maybe it's selfish, but I'm not the most 'natural' parent and I like my own space. I suffer a lot with anxiety as well. The thought of doing it all again terrifies me and I'm more interested in thinking about future holidays/plans than having another child.

We're in a small village with few other children nearby though so I am worried she'd be lonely. I'm also worried she'd be bored on holidays.

So yea, I'm torn too, and I feel pressure and upset to decide soon.

I'm only having one because my first is such a legend. Sleeps, eats, plays on her own but also loves cuddles, came out smiling pretty much. Why tempt fate? The next one could be an absolute shit 🤣

Also I appreciate the honesty of the poster above who said she had a second child so that she'd have something to live for if something happened to her first.

A few years ago my friend lost her 14 month old child in a tragic accident and it absolutely broke her. She said one of the hardest parts was knowing she was a mum, and always feeling like a mum but having no child to be that mum for. It was so upsetting for her.

Seven years later she did have another child which did fill that void but she found all those years without a child when in her heart she was a mother, incredibly difficult.

It will all change once they are at school, she’ll have loads of friends and you can just take one with you on holidays when they are older (if they are that bothered). My DD is also 2.5 and we are intending to host playdates as much as is needed and to pay to take other children on holidays and trips as needed.

All the only children I know are happier and more successful than those with siblings. And I know lots. I’m really not worried about DD being lonely. You can be surrounded by people and be lonely and on your own and completely content.

No-one should be conceived purely as a plaything for another. If YOU don’t want a another child YOU shouldn’t have one, regardless of how many other children you already have. What your current child might like or not really shouldn’t come in to it.

A friend said she loves both but if she had her time again would have stopped at 1.

You arent getting to do the first time again, you're fundamentally changing your family. What I mean is it wont be like doing it again, it'll be doing baby stuff with a toddler, accommodating the needs of 2 children, not just taking baby out. I dont know if I'm explaining this well. It's not just making baby dinner, it's making baby dinner while supervising your toddler eating and lot more juggling. X