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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Deep down do any parents regret having child number 2?

122 replies

HangingBranches · 05/05/2022 09:43

I don't mean this to be goady- am constantly going round in circles about whether or not to have a second child.

Before having DC I wanted lots. Had DC (now 3) and suffered from post natal anxiety, possible some depression but not officially diagnosed. I found the first year so very hard. No sleep, no freedom and my anxiety was through the roof. I adored my son from the moment I knew I was expecting him and that has never wavered, he is the most joyful amazing thing in my life and so I do feel like I want another, I'm just scared to upset the apple cart so to speak.

I don't think I could cope with him and a newborn. He's still a handful and I need some quiet time. It's only just getting easier and I'm only just feeling happier at a more consistent level. DH swore never again when DS was little- he was incredibly high needs, colic, reflux, didn't sleep until he was two etc. Everything was difficult. Now DH is desperate for another but he is putting me under pressure to do so.

I'm 37, tired but could maybe manage number 2, although I always say if I could give birth to a 2 year old I'd do it, I don't like pregnancy or the baby stage!

Just don't know if I should stop beating myself up and enjoy my life as it is, or roll the dice again.

Would be interested to hear from any parents who were undecided and went for it and how the really feel about their situation.

OP posts:
Outfoxedbyrabbits · 05/05/2022 14:16

You don't sound like you want another child. It is unacceptable of your husband to pressure you.

I don't understand the "giving a child a sibling" thing. Sure, having a sibling can have benefits but it also always has drawbacks - the same as being an only child has both pros and cons. Siblings don't always get on. Children aren't always born healthy, or don't always continue to be healthy. There are no guarantees that you'll have a healthy second baby who is best friends with your eldest. If you're not all in yourself, "do it for your existing child" is a crap reason to have another, in my opinion.

ridemesideway · 05/05/2022 14:21

Nobody else has been through your personal experience so only you can know deep down if having a second child is a good is a good idea.

There is absolutely nothing selfish in choosing to have one child.

girljulian · 05/05/2022 14:22

My mother has often said that if she'd had my younger sister first, she'd never have had a second, because my sister was an incredibly difficult baby and child and I was a very easy one. But, these days my sister is the obvious favourite by a factor of hundreds, so it can be a long game!

5128gap · 05/05/2022 14:23

No. I thought long and hard about it due to a very difficult time with DC 1, and actually did have DC 2 to give DC 1 a sibling.
I hated being an only child, which got no easier as parents aged, fell sick and died, and I carried that alone.
It was absolutely the right decision for our family. i found the experience infinitely better the second time round, our family felt 'balanced', and the relationship between the DCs has been a joy to watch, right through to adulthood, now they are close friends.
I realise this is perhaps an idyllic situation, and think there's no right or wrong decision, but that's how it is for us.

wavecat · 05/05/2022 14:23

I have a similar experience to yours, I'm just 20+ years further on. I'm an only child who didn't really understand the sibling experience. My 3yo DD insisted she wanted a baby and her sister is the best gift we have ever given her. I remember all the difficulties of #1 but #2 just happened while we carried on coping! Seeing them support each other through the teen and young adult ups and downs gives me real joy. So plsd that I listened to the 3yo, she's still always right !

Dixiechickonhols · 05/05/2022 14:24

I didn’t have a second for medical reasons. Unless you really have overwhelming desire for another I wouldn’t. Mine’s a teen and honestly it’s been perfect for us all. She has never expressed a desire for a sibling. Personality wise we all enjoy time to ourselves. I can see how my life is so much easier with 1. Finance wise we have nice holidays, she can go to Uni she chooses etc. Lots of children are only children these days.
If you do go for it a gap so he’s at school when baby comes would be easier. Two mums in DD’s class had seconds to coincide with first child starting juniors/being more independent and that worked well for them.

girljulian · 05/05/2022 14:25

To add though, I don't really understand why people feel the need to give their children siblings.

5128gap · 05/05/2022 14:34

girljulian · 05/05/2022 14:25

To add though, I don't really understand why people feel the need to give their children siblings.

I explained in my post above. If your own experience of being an only child isn't positive, you want different for your own child.

ridemesideway · 05/05/2022 14:38

girljulian · 05/05/2022 14:25

To add though, I don't really understand why people feel the need to give their children siblings.

Because it’s socially acceptable. Years of being told that only children are all weirdos and lonely when that’s not the truth.
My DH has three siblings. Two live abroad, the other had zero interest in helping out with elderly parents. Having siblings certainly does not guarantee support when times get tough.

CorsicaDreaming · 05/05/2022 14:42

@HangingBranches - I have only got one DS9 and we are very happy as three of us. He has a very close friend who's also an only one and they are great friends.

He also has lots of friends who have younger sisters as their sibling. And I'm not sure they do much with their sibling due to age gaps / differing interests.

I think his friends and arranging play dates and/or enabling them to chat over Skype / Teams while they play Minecraft or whatever becomes even more important.

We've done quite a few holidays with other families (several with my BFF and her son who is ten years older) and they worked surprisingly well - and camping with other friends with a son a year younger.

On holiday, if it is just us three, it is us who do the mucking about in the pool / table tennis / playing pool / bike rides - so you end up getting stuck in to activities that otherwise you might just send the two children off together a bit more.

Occasionally I do wonder if it would have been nice to have had a daughter too, but I don't regret our decision to stay at one.

UnderTheMoonlightWeDanced · 05/05/2022 14:43

Have one not a chance I’m having another! Pregnancy / birth have ruined my body (only 30 with a prolapse and such bad tearing nearly a year on I’m still having so many issues)
But that aside I’ve acknowledged that life will be easier for us with one - money house everythign. I have many siblings and quite a difficult upbringing so am not obsessed with the idea that siblings are that important and we’ve also just decided to not do this again. Things are already getting easier and we are all very happy.

CorsicaDreaming · 05/05/2022 14:47

@UnderTheMoonlightWeDanced - yes, I do think evolution was having a huge joke when it designed such bloody massive heads (DS9 on 98th percentile!) and got us all walking on hind legs.

Personally I'd rather be a kangaroo...

Lovesgreen · 05/05/2022 14:54

I was unsure after having a difficult first birth and baby who slept very badly for the first 18 months. We ended up having a 7 year age gap. I was 36 having DD2 and much more chilled. No they don't have the same interests or play together but we still enjoy being a family of 4 and no regrets. I would have regretted not having another.

Everydayisabadhairday · 05/05/2022 14:58

There doesn't seem to be a good reason for you to have another and lots of reasons not to. Lots of people decide how many kids they want before they have them. Its ok to change your mind once you've actually got experience.

Enjoy your child. Don't upset the apple cart.

tuliplover · 05/05/2022 14:58

No, but if I'd had my daughter first (and if I could tell her personality) I might not have had another. My husband already had two sons and our first was a boy, and literally as soon as we found out he was planning for us to try again! I was already over 40.
We did have a girl next. Turns out she is very self contained and would have been happy as an only, she is certainly not friends with her loud and extrovert brother.

PaddlingLikeADuck · 05/05/2022 15:02

To add though, I don't really understand why people feel the need to give their children siblings.

I don’t think it’s about needing to give them a sibling, but wanting to give them a sibling.

And as another poster said, I believe that a woman’s own positive or negative experience of being an only child or having siblings plays a very large part in her decision to have more than one child or not.

I have a sister who is only 12 months older than me and we are very close. We always have been. My childhood was amazing because of her and all my wonderful memories are wrapped up in her. We did everything together. Whenever we meet up we can spend hours and hours and hours reminiscing and laughing about all the crazy things we did as children and it’s so so good to have someone to share that with. I can’t imagine what it’s like to not be able to do that and I love the idea of my children doing it in the future too.

I love being an auntie to her children and she loves being an auntie to mine and I want my children (potentially) to be able to experience what it’s like to be an uncle and have nieces/nephews.

I know a few people who are only children and they say that it was great as a child because you get all the attention and the other positives that come with the parents having more time and money, but that as adults they find it very lonely and wish they had a sibling.

My husband on the other hand has a brother and they have no relationship whatsoever. His brother wasn’t even at our wedding. It is because of his own negative experience of having a sibling that made him completely unbothered about us having a second child. He didn’t see any benefits to siblings because he hadn’t had a good experience himself.

Thankfully my desire for a second baby outweighed his nonchalance :)

DockOTheBay · 05/05/2022 15:05

But I never would have deliberately made my eldest a single child as I think it's a bit selfish personally
@doingitforthegirls
Can you explain why having an only child is selfish? That child will get more time and attention from their parents, will have a room and toys to themselves and not have to share. They are more likely to have experiences such as holidays, days out because a) their parents will have more money and b) they won't have to limit trips to ones which suit their sibling as well. As adults, they are likely to have more support from their parents who aren't splitting focus and will receive more inheritance.

There are obviously arguments for and against having a second child but I don't understand why either decision is "selfish".

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 05/05/2022 15:09

All I can say is that it will be hard initially, but having 2 children is soooo much easier at weekends and on holidays. They will entertain each other and the pressure is off you. I have four, and mine are always off together.

girljulian · 05/05/2022 15:13

@PaddlingLikeADuck I agree it's up to people's own experiences of having or not having siblings, but I think that makes it all the more important that we shouldn't get wedded to things like doing something we fundamentally don't want to do (e.g. having another child) because of something that's really our own issue (e.g. not having liked being an only). I was not an only and I didn't have a negative experience of having a sibling as a child, but as an adult my sister and I rarely see each other and while we're friendly when we do, if she didn't exist it would make no material difference to my life whatsoever.

Ahgoonyegirlye · 05/05/2022 15:16

No regrets for even a second. Our 2nd is a joy, has taken the pressure off the eldest as he’s no longer our sole focus and they are best friends.
We have given our children a gift as far as we’re concerned, someone who will go on to be the person they have the longest relationship with in their lives ( god willing). Someone for them when we are gone,
a friend, a sibling, a playmate.
they rarely get bored at home because they have each other.

Ahgoonyegirlye · 05/05/2022 15:17

For us the 2nd was easier, we had t a notion what to do with then1st child. Much more relaxed with the 2nd one.

HairyToity · 05/05/2022 15:19

I was younger than you when I had my first, and didn't have second till oldest was school age. Never regretted two children. I would never have coped if I'd had two close together though.

TropicalPotatoes · 05/05/2022 15:26

I think it's more a question of whether you will regret not having a second?

Even at the toughest times with no.2 I never regretted having her. She's truly amazing, funny and the relationship she has with her sister is wonderful to watch grow and develop.

HairyToity · 05/05/2022 15:26

The friendship into adulthood, I've just read about.... I do love my DB, we have never fallen out.... However his wife likes to do everything with her family and friends, and we rarely see them. They are in the pockets of her sisters, not me and my family. I've never raised it with my brother, and don't plan to, he's always working, and when he isn't he puts his wife first.

It's just the lifelong friendship isn't a given. Perhaps we'll be close again one day.

thingymaboob · 05/05/2022 15:28

I could've written your post 18 months ago. Had a 3 year old but really struggled with anxiety and depression and a crazy awful pregnancy. She turned into a joyful 3 year old and life was easy and fun. My DH desperately wanted another and made the siblings case which I agree with. We started TTC and I sort of hoped that we would take ages / not get pregnant but we caught first month and I had the pregnancy from hell and am now in the depths of post natal depression and everyday I'm consumed with anxiety around naps, awake windows, breastfeeding and routine and my anxiety is through the roof. My little baby is 3 months old now and she's sleeping ok finally but it's so incredibly hard. I absolutely hate the baby state. It's relentless drudgery and I miss spending quality time with my older daughter. I just spent 20 minutes shushing her in the utility room. Life is not fun and who knows if it'll get better...