Deep down do any parents regret having child number 2?

[HangingBranches]

I don't mean this to be goady- am constantly going round in circles about whether or not to have a second child.

Before having DC I wanted lots. Had DC (now 3) and suffered from post natal anxiety, possible some depression but not officially diagnosed. I found the first year so very hard. No sleep, no freedom and my anxiety was through the roof. I adored my son from the moment I knew I was expecting him and that has never wavered, he is the most joyful amazing thing in my life and so I do feel like I want another, I'm just scared to upset the apple cart so to speak.

I don't think I could cope with him and a newborn. He's still a handful and I need some quiet time. It's only just getting easier and I'm only just feeling happier at a more consistent level. DH swore never again when DS was little- he was incredibly high needs, colic, reflux, didn't sleep until he was two etc. Everything was difficult. Now DH is desperate for another but he is putting me under pressure to do so.

I'm 37, tired but could maybe manage number 2, although I always say if I could give birth to a 2 year old I'd do it, I don't like pregnancy or the baby stage!

Just don't know if I should stop beating myself up and enjoy my life as it is, or roll the dice again.

Would be interested to hear from any parents who were undecided and went for it and how the really feel about their situation.

It will get better, but you just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other for now. Have you sought any help from your GP or anyone for your mental health? Having a baby is so hard let alone having 3 year old as well. There's help out there. Is there a surestart service near you?

You're doing amazingly. Just keep swimming ❤

You said you’d like one if you could start from 2 years old. Obviously at times when it’s difficult with a baby it feels like it will never end but also those 2 years pass by quickly. I think it comes down to how much you want a child and how you can cope with the early years.

This is true. I always say it’s better than being the other way round and loving pregnancy/babies but not toddler and older kids which some women seem to be. The early days go quickly then you have an older child for years.

Obviously I can only tell you about my experience - but I had a really difficult baby first time round. I was an only child and desperately wanted to have more than one, but I felt conflicted because I had a traumatic birth with my first, and he was such a nightmare baby. My desire for a second baby won out and I’m so so glad it did. I was preparing myself for another baby like my first, but he is a dream compared to his brother. The kind of baby I didn’t think actually existed. I don’t regret it for a second.

I know having a sibling is no guarantee of a close sibling relationship but equally, not having a sibling is a cast iron guarantee of not having a close sibling relationship.

I think writing a pros and cons list isn’t that helpful to be honest because I don’t think anyone would ever have children if they just looked at objective pros and cons. What matters is what you really truly want. If you really don’t want any more that’s ok. If you think you do deep down want more but just can’t face the baby stage again, that’s ok too - but remember that you may not have a baby like your first again. And there is support available.

My child, and my experience is very similar to yours. I do want a second, but have made a decision not to have another as I just do not have the support around me to cope if I had another high needs baby on top if the child I have. I feel grief for the family I don't have, and guilt that my daughter has no siblings, cousins or extended family. However, I also recognise that she is very happy, very loved, and that as an only child I can give her opportunities that otherwise would be financially out of reach.

My second child has been an absolute joy from the day they were born, a very easy baby and child. DC1&3 were and are harder work but I love them dearly and have never regretted having them. The hard work baby stage is short and once they are through that things get better and better (my eldest 2 are teenagers andI love them more than ever).

In answer to your question OP, one of my closets friends has admitted a few times (when drunk) that she regrets the second child. He was a very difficult baby and hasn't become an easier older child. She's also very strapped for cash now.

Her husband only wanted one and she wore him down so this has also caused issues in her marriage.

I always knew I only wanted one child (I'm a very happy only) and my DD is a very happy only child. My mental health and sanity could not have coped with two children and we have a lovely calm house and life now. Don't have to think twice about treats or travel etc as one is so manageable financially. Mainly I can focus all my love and attention on her. She's an utter delight.

Only you can choose what to do but I do like to give a positive only child experience on these threads

Can you explain why having an only child is selfish? That child will get more time and attention from their parents, will have a room and toys to themselves and not have to share. They are more likely to have experiences such as holidays, days out because a) their parents will have more money and b) they won't have to limit trips to ones which suit their sibling as well. As adults, they are likely to have more support from their parents who aren't splitting focus and will receive more inheritance.

My mother was effectively an only child, her brother died in infancy before she was born. She would give up all the privilege, the private education, the trips abroad (back when that was much much rarer), the large inheritance in a heartbeat to have had a sibling. Both when she was a child who had no-one to play with on Christmas Day and as an adult when she had to deal with her parent's failing health. It's ridiculous to suggest that any amount of money can compensate for the lack of a sibling. My grandparents did not plan to have an only and did what they could to ensure DM had close relationships with cousins and friends but to choose to have an only child is a selfish decision based on the needs of the adults not the child.

@Everydayisabadhairday thank you. I was assessed by the perinatal mental health team and promptly discharged. Not depressed enough apparently. Feel really let down and really can't be bothered to pursue anymore help as the assessment and various GP / HV appointments are so draining

I think you have answered your own question

One and done

So you don’t think a mother’s mental health is a worthy enough reason to make that choice? It a choice clearly based on an adult’s need.

My second was the most lovely experience. Smoothing out all the upset and angst you feel when you have to navigate new ways with the first. For me absolutely number two was the right decision.

I was a very happy only child. We are having another but if we were unable/had decided not to, I don't think DD would have been affected negatively. We made that decision for us.

All the old tropes about loneliness and caring for elderly parents are just that: tropes. My mum was one of three and shouldered all the care for my grandfather due to both proximity and the fact she is a woman. One of her brothers stole a bunch of my grandfather's money and we are unlikely to ever see him again. Only children tend to create their own, chosen, networks of close friends and have their own families. And there's something to be said for being the sole person who has to decide things: no arguing over a parent's wishes or care needs or money or anything.

Families and siblings are like everything. Some will get on, some won't, some will be smooth sailing, others will be fraught. Some siblings will get on great, others will fight and never be close.

So basically I think you rightfully should make the decision about your own wants, not what you envisage the future looking like for your existing child or how any hypothetical child will get on with your existing child, because you can't control that.

And I wouldn't have given up my lovely childhood as an only child to have a sibling. I've had no interest in it as a child or as an adult. My mum and I had and still have a wonderful relationship, I've been lucky to have so many fantastic opportunities and get a head start in life, and I have close friends who are like siblings without all the additional stress that can accompany families. It's never something that's been a particular consideration in my life or that I've really spent time thinking about.

I hope my two will get on well, but they are individuals and who knows?

I'm really sorry to hear that. Its possible that you're not suffering from depression but from an anxiety disorder. The two things can go hand in hand but not always. So if they've assessed you for depression and said you don't have it, it doesn't mean you don't have something that will respond well to treatment. Sometimes i think they tick the boxes that say you're not presenting with post natal depression but forget that's not the only illness that can affect women after they have a baby. You could always try your GP. I've been there and got the t shirt with antenatal mental health and it got missed by all the professionals i saw for about 2 years. But once i was on medication and having talking therapy things did get better. Please do consider trying again to get some help - things dont need to feel this bleak.

My first child was born with severe disabilities both physical and intellectual. It was a nightmare of no sleep, ever. I had a second quite quickly and she was bright as a button and easy as pie. You manage what you've got tbh.

Sorry i see you've tried your GP. If you go back and present your anxiety symptoms and how they're affecting your life without really framing it around just having had a baby hopefully they wouldn't just put it down to that and might be more helpful. If it's hard to say it all out loud, maybe write it down for them to read?

Yes, regret it massively.
He has ADHD and has ruined our lovely life.

No- it was the best decision I ever made. I was determined to have two because I am an only child and was very lonely growing up. Mine are two years apart and it made my life so much easier- they played together and even now as teens, they are really close and supportive of each other. Obv they bicker sometimes which is normal sibling behaviour but generally, they adore each other and its like I gave them the gift of a best friend which is beautiful to see.

All the old tropes about loneliness and caring for elderly parents are just that: tropes

I am an only child and I disagree with this entirely. This was true for me and I hated it

After what you've written, why on earth would you even be considering another? It's perfectly ok not to want anymore.

Imho it just gets harder with each dc, with one you have one times the worry/concerns for a person you love more than the world, with two it doubles and so forth. People usually focus on the baby/early days when planning a child (I did) but as they get older the problems get bigger and not as easily solved, this is when the real worries begins. So unless you want double the amount of worries that you already have, I'd stick at one.

@doingitforthegirls

why is it selfish?
also what’s wrong with being selfish sometimes?

Why is everyone assuming a second baby will be a repeat of the first baby is. Healthy and neurotypical with the usual baby issues (colic, poor sleeper)?

Sorry to be blunt, but if you’ve struggled to cope with one healthy baby I wouldn’t take the chance you might have a second with physical disability or developmental challenges. Especially in your late 30s. Looking around at people I know, it is much more common than people expect. You do need to factor it in and if you’re on the brink of not being able to cope with one child, and don’t have an overwhelming urge for a second, I wouldn’t risk it.

DC2 is still a baby but in a way he is therapeutic after DC1 who is only 3 has been such hard work and continues to be. He's so calm and easy but he could have been another hard one and looking back I think we were insane to have another but she wasn't that bad when we decided to have another, we thought it was up from there