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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give dog away to trainer

108 replies

usuallyquiet1 · 04/05/2022 12:07

Hello, i know this is awful and i feel so bad about it but am struggling to get used to life with a dog. He is so sweet natured and generally lovely but my 2 main troubles are not leaving the house for more than 3 hours as i dont want him to be alone, and my daughter (shes 4) cant have any toys downstairs anymore.

We are first time dog owners and ive done that typical thing of not knowing what i was getting into. Our dog trainer has seen im struggling and said she could take him if we cant manage. I wondered if anyone has come through the other side of this and either learned to love their dog , or has given their dog away and never been forgiven by their child ! Thats my other worry, will she and my husband ever forgive me.
How do people mange with dogs and small children, i think i had an idea they would play together but in reality my daughter is missing out on baking, craft etc as the dog chews up anything in sight. I guess this seems really basic as a question but i struggle to believe in myself and swing in mood and decision. The dog (im only not saying name as trying to be discreet !) is only 10 months old and has been with us for 8 months now. He is walked twice a day and we send him to dog care if going out but its such an adjustment never going out unless preplanned again. Does anyone else struggle with their dog and do their children play with it ?
i think my aibu is , am i satan if i give away our daughters first pet for the sanity of the family !

OP posts:
WabbitsAndWeasels · 04/05/2022 12:18

Sounds like there's several issues here, dog behaviour and general inflexibility of having a dog. I'd have thought by now the dog would've lost their baby teeth so chewing should've settled down and they should be chewing only their toys. Surely you knew when you got a dog though that they shouldn't be left alone all day. You're clearly trying by having a dog trainer but I wouldn't be handing them over.

Have you contacted the breeder, they might want first refusal if you're considering rehoming? Done more research on the breed and dog ownership? Puppies are hard work and at 10 months they're likely to still be very much a puppy. Adulthood is easier provided you've put in the work and laid the foundations but it's always going to require work.

Have you talked to your husband about this? You're 4 year old will get over it, your husband however presumably made the same commitment as you and may feel differently.

Peterpiperpickedwrongagain · 04/05/2022 12:18

I think if your trainer is offering to have him then that is a really good solution. At least you know where he is going and that he will be looked after. Your DD will get over it.

we had our dog before DC, and she was a couple of years old when we had DC so fully trained, had gone through the chewing stage and out the other side and we were fully used to organising our time around her. DC never really played with our dog due to sensory issues but loved her dearly. We were all devastated when she died aged 15 but, now our time is our own, DC are teens, we would never be tied to another dog.

I’m usually in the ‘a dog is for life’ camp but I really think that, as the trainer has noticed you are struggling, then it would be in the dogs best interest to let the trainer have him tbh. Far better than struggling on and no one enjoying the dog.

mycatisannoying · 04/05/2022 12:27

Maybe I'm missing something here, but is offering to home the dog not a highly unusual thing for a dog trainer to offer to do? Hmm
They're there to help fix the issue, and it seems strange that they'd do this by offering to take the dog off your hands. So what would they do differently at home, is what I'd be asking, if it's not working for you?

The cynic in me thinks that if they offer to take on every dog whose owner is struggling, it could be a good earner if they're then sold on.

Personally, I'd change your behaviourist and see how that goes.

nearlyspringyay · 04/05/2022 12:31

Agree with @mycatisannoying

Happenchance · 04/05/2022 12:34

Decent breeders will take their dogs back at any point in their lives.

I would be very wary of giving a dog away for free, to anyone. Is he a desirable breed that someone could sell on for profit or breed from? Is he neutered?

What kind of methods does your trainer use? If she uses aversive methods or spouts dominance/pack theory (which has been disproved), I wouldn't let her have him.

Thehop · 04/05/2022 12:39

What breed is your puppy?

ShirleyPhallus · 04/05/2022 12:43

What breed is the dog?

tbh, for the first 6 months or so the dog and young child should be entirely indifferent to each other and separated where possible. You could use baby gates or room separators to keep them apart.

Have you tried reaching the leave it / drop it cue to the dog for leaving toys?

Yes they’re a bind on your time and day care or dog walkers are the right things if you’re out for long periods of time

GobletOfIre · 04/05/2022 12:51

Your dog has just reached its tricky teenage stage, so bear that in mind with its behaviour. Ultimately, if you can’t give the dog what it needs and your life is being unduly affected, then rehome.

That needn’t be with the trainer, though. So do question their motivation if you’re considering going through with it.

XelaM · 04/05/2022 12:52

Our dog comes with us (almost) everywhere. If he really is not allowed to go where we are going then he goes to a dog sitter for a few hours or stays at home if it's not too long. Our dog sitter takes him for as many hours as we need at short notice, so I don't know why you can't leave without the dog for more than 3 hours if you are using daycare.

My daughter was the one who begged for the dog, but he is my baby 🥰 and I absolutely adore him. My daughter trains him though and has taught him many tricks and is planning to do agility with him, but she's not as obsessed with him as I am 🤗

But if your dog trainer is legitimate and you think the dog will be happier there, then maybe it's not the worst solution.

whenwillthemadnessend · 04/05/2022 12:58

Now my Dog is older (20mths) and I trust him not too chew my
House we leave him for around 6 hours on occasion. It's not often but sometimes it has to be done. We have two cats and he is happy watching them potter about. He has a large room with a window too himself

Otherwise as we have teens someone is in the house with him mostly.

I'd give it a bit longer for him to mature and see if you can stretch leaving him a bit longer on occasion. Otherwise continue with your sitter.

Can you have a stair gate up so your dd can do crafts etc and be separate?

emmakenny · 04/05/2022 13:02

Give the dog away and prioritise your child. She should be able to have toys downstairs and have a life without a dog dictating it. It'll be fine with the trainer. Just don't get another dog and if you do make sure you're children are much, much older.

emmakenny · 04/05/2022 13:04

Your dd will get over it and forget soon. It's the right thing to do for the family's quality of life.

Original poster
usuallyquiet1 · 04/05/2022 13:08

thank you for replying, ivve neen going round in circles about this. He is a cockapoo, not neutered yet . My husband loves him dearly and would be so sad to see him go. I love him too but i fell constantly guilty about him which is affecting me a lot. Is he happy, is he lonely, he sleeps downstairs and i worry he needs a companion and so it goes on. I do tend to worry about everything in life so sm probably overthinking things . The dog tainer walked in one day to me crying and i explained how i was struggling and she said if we were to rehome him then she could take him, her first priority though was to help him be the family pet we wanted.
I think i was an idiot really about the being left alone, my husband has had a dog previously and i just thought he knew about dogs. But he has told me since that was years ago and they just left him as didnt know it was wrong (he calls it 70s parenting ).
I think im worried about my daughter missing out and i can see from the replies that maybe i should be teaching him to leave things and let her play downstairs and we do have him at dog care so am thinking thas parts ok. '
I think i am the classic got a dog and didnt know what to expect . Has anyone else taken a long time to get used to their dog and now wouldnt be without it ?
He is a lovely boy. Feels so guilty whatever i do

OP posts:
Tigerandthetea · 04/05/2022 13:08

This is a giant red flag.

DO not give a dog over to a trainer...so suspicious. A lot of good decent breeders also write into their contracts that should you wish to give up the dog, you return to them. They will still source a fee for the dog (less than you paid) which shows that the person has good intentions at least.

I work with a dog charity so please do not go down the route of giving doggo away. It will not end well.

However, on your points, this is all typical behaviour at this stage. Dependent on breed, they do chill out. Mine sleep most the day and cause no bother at all. Get a new trainer as your first decision!

gunnersgold · 04/05/2022 13:08

This is why I don't have a dog even though I love them ! , I grew up with dogs and horses and they are such a tie ..
if the trainer can give the dog a better life then do it , if he is going to sell him on then think twice .
The dog could live another 15 years depending on breed so do you think you want that for so long ?

I don't think half the population think it through so don't beat yourself up about it .

KarmaStar · 04/05/2022 13:09

It's called the puppy blues and is very common.
I'm finding it difficult to understand where your trainer is coming from.It's either she can see you and the dog are unhappy and genuinely wants to help or she liked the dog and wants him.Be very careful there.

A dog should be for life.he just loves you all and wants to be part of the family.you turn him out he will wonder what he's done wrong.
Has he got a crate?can you put a puppy gate up when children's toys are strewn around.?he's an adolescent and pushing boundaries,please don't give up on him now.
Dogs need exercise off lead and mental stimulation.there's lots of dog toys you can buy that will keep him occupied so he doesn't chew.
Positive affirmative words for good behaviour is essential.

Try clicker training,it's super easy and very effective.
Bond with your dog,change your mindset from he's a nuisance to he's part of the family.

You can do this,remember why you got him and that he loves you and considers his home his home for ever.

godmum56 · 04/05/2022 13:10

I know a very good positive reward trainer who has 7 dogs because she does offer to take on dogs who she can see are in the wrong home. Sometimes she rehomes to people she knows well for no charge, sometime she keeps the dog. I'd probe a bit into what your trainer plans for the dog and be sure that the trainer is a good one, reward based and ethical. If you decide not to give to the trainer then rehome via rescue and DON'T get another one.

Unsure33 · 04/05/2022 13:14

I just knew you were going to say a cockerpoo.

the chewing should stop in time but they are a high energy breed . And probably there won’t be a time where the dog can be left for long periods of time .

but with young children and your fear about the toys etc you might be better to have the dog rehomed . But either go to the breeder or a specialist rescue group .

dogs are hard work and it does get easier but this particular breed can be quite demanding .

EvilPea · 04/05/2022 13:15

I think swap behaviourist (easier said than done at the moment) and hang in there. Your dog is entering twat stage. What was cute and endearing as a puppy, is not cute and endearing as a grown dog, firm boundaries and consistency.

athough, you need to cut the dog some slack for not knowing the difference between his toys and your daughters. If it’s on the floor, it’s fair game.

Snoken · 04/05/2022 13:19

I had a feeling you would say it's a poodle mix. They are known for the being high energy and have separation anxiety. They can definitely be great family dogs, but they require a lot of attention and exercise, and they are not the types to mature early unfortunately. It doesn't sound completely hopeless in my opinion, if you stick it out and keep working on the training, I think you will see a much more manageable dog in a year or two. When I say you, I mean you and your husband. Don't let this all fall on you.

stayathomegardener · 04/05/2022 13:19

Do not give your dog to your trainer, very unethical for them to even suggest that.

Un neutered and he might be used for breeding.

Teenager years are tricky and you may regret a snap decision now.

Try using a crate for downtime which would help.

2bazookas · 04/05/2022 13:30

You didn't do your research and the result is a totally predictable mess.

When faced with a mess, clean it up and move on.

Your dog is very lucky the trainer has offered a way out; take it.

Booboobibles · 04/05/2022 13:35

Cockerpoos aren’t all very high energy dogs as adults…they vary a lot…one I know is still crazy at seven and another is vary calm as long as she has a good walk and a run about fetching a ball every day.

Also, I’m pretty sure that if I’d had a dog as a child, it would have brought so much more to my life than a few toys.

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 04/05/2022 13:35

Poor dog, it’s so frustrating hearing people say I didn’t realise how hard it was or getting puppies then expecting them to ‘grow out’ of certain behaviour and buying puppies because they look cute rather than researching which breed has requirements that fit lifestyles. Get rid of your trainer, sounds useless & if a trainer has time for a dog of their own then they’re not doing the job properly

GayParis · 04/05/2022 13:38

Definitely do not give the dog to the trainer - that's all kinds of weird.

I've had dogs all my life and yes the puppy stage is hard, but I have never once thought that I should maybe rehome. I think if you're at the stage of thinking you need to give the dog away then it's best to contact the breeder and explain it's just not working and they will advise you. Any decent breeder will take the dog back and find them another good home where they'll be loved/wanted regardless of behaviour.