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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does your teen eat meals with you?

110 replies

Tinkerblonde1 · 04/05/2022 09:47

My dd age 14 hasn't eaten a family meal with us for about 4 weeks. She always wants to be out with her friends.
Is this normal? I always read on here how it is the one thing people insist on.

I am treading carefully as my dd is under cahms due to an incident with her Dad so I tread carefully.

Her friends are sometimes here at my home until 8.30 so they don't go home for meals either. I am a teacher also and it seems it is common for teens to go out with friends from school and head home about 8pm.

I absolutely hate it and hope she grows out of it but I am treading carefully due to mental health.

AIBU? Or shall I put a stop to it.

OP posts:
AnchorWHAT · 04/05/2022 09:56

Mostly mealtimes in our house have been sit down and eat together at the dining table. When my boys got to the age of going out out to pubs with friends there were the times when they would grab something before going out or eat out but if they were in at mealtimes we ate together.
Still the case today with one still living at home at 26 after uni / travelling, mostly eat together. It seems a bad habit to get into if you allow it now but honestly, choose your battles re: her mental health, just say you miss sitting down together and encourage her to rejoin the meal table, its a good place for relaxing and chatting together.

budgiegirl · 04/05/2022 10:03

I have three teens/young adults. If they are at home at dinner time they eat with us, if they want to go out, then they either heat up dinner later, or sort their own.
It's not very often we all sit down together to eat, but once in a while we will tell them we are all eating together (often a Sunday evening, with a day to twos notice, or if family are visiting) and they adjust their plans accordingly.

I think it's natural for them to want to do their own thing most of the time, but it's nice to have the occasional family meal together too.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/05/2022 10:06

Most nights yes but if he wants to go out that's fine too, he can heat it up, it's not a big deal

CrapBucket · 04/05/2022 10:07

One of my teens has misophonia so eating together is a form of torture for them! We find other times and ways to communicate, its not the be all and end all. No point forcing someone to have a meal with you if they'd rather be elsewhere. I think with teens you have to do things on their terms mainly. They have so little control over most of their lives just when they really want it.

CrapBucket · 04/05/2022 10:10

PS and its great that your DD has a friendship group around her, and they are happy to hang out at your place. That's an important form of 'family' for an adolescent. Sounds like you're doing a better job than you give yourself credit for 😉

RedHelenB · 04/05/2022 10:42

No.

Original poster
Tinkerblonde1 · 04/05/2022 13:57

CrapBucket · 04/05/2022 10:10

PS and its great that your DD has a friendship group around her, and they are happy to hang out at your place. That's an important form of 'family' for an adolescent. Sounds like you're doing a better job than you give yourself credit for 😉

Thank you. Thank you all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkerblonde1 · 04/05/2022 13:58

RedHelenB · 04/05/2022 10:42

No.

Any reason?

OP posts:
Madickenxx · 04/05/2022 14:00

It used to be hit and miss and I got fed up with cooking dinners that weren't eaten (as they would grab chips out or something at friends' houses) so now they sort their own food unless they've told me they are eating at home. The exception is Sunday as they always want a roast on Sunday.

purplesequins · 04/05/2022 14:05

we eat dinner together at a certain time most days.

we have one manic day with activities where we don't as everyone comes/leaves at different times.

MrsDeaconClaybourne · 04/05/2022 14:07

Completely random here. If we're all in together we probably do but often at least 1 DC is out either with friends or at a club. Usually I know whether to save a portion of something for them but if not I just put something to one side then if they don't want it it goes in the freezer or DH has it for lunch next day as he wfh. I try very much not to make a big deal of it (not that it is a big deal!) as I'd much rather they were out and busy and then in their rooms on screens, especially after the last couple of years when all 3 of mine have struggled in different ways.

cheninblanc · 04/05/2022 14:10

No, it's not a battle a feel is needed. Sometimes they do sometimes they eat upstairs chatting on face time. Ad long as you spend time with them in other ways, like we'll go for a coffee together after school Friday it's fine. One dd works 3 nights a week so has to eat at a different time

motogirl · 04/05/2022 14:12

Mealtimes are still eaten together, they are adults. It's a condition of living with us! A family who eats together stays together. Obviously if they have something on they can eat out but the kitchen is not open all hours here

mbosnz · 04/05/2022 14:38

Mine do - but then again, we eat later - 8 - 9pm is the usual!

Also, if they want to eat out at a friend's place, that is fine, but the deal is that they tell us early enough that we won't be catering for them.

But generally, Monday-Thursday, they come home and study, and eat at ours for tea. Sometimes we'll have a mate or a boyfriend here as well. Friday, the eldest buggers off to her boyfriends until Sunday, when we know she's coming home by her texting, 'what's for tea?'!

mbosnz · 04/05/2022 14:39

Oh, and eldest once tried on going back into her room with boyfriend, having collected their plates. Nothing was said at the time, but afterwards it was made clear that was not acceptable conduct here.

We eat as a family, it might be around the TV most nights, but we're together, and the only screen allowed is a communal one. No phones.

MintJulia · 04/05/2022 14:41

DS (14) eats with me 95% of the time. Occasionally he goes to lunch with his dad or has tea at a friend's house, but mostly here.

boonducks · 04/05/2022 14:42

At that age mine had some nights when we couldn't eat together but not the majority. If they had sport or something else on then they might have to eat early or late. But if they were in the house then they would not be allowed to eat their meal away from the table.
I do think it's important and I would try to time meals to fit in if possible. If they had friends round I would feed them as well.

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 04/05/2022 14:49

It's a bit of a mixed bag here; my girls are often out in the evening, whether at work or a friend's. There's also often extra teenagers here! Anyone in the house at around 7pm gets fed, and we sit at the table for meals (including any friends that are here). I'm fairly relaxed about it, and it works well.

Housetreecar · 04/05/2022 14:51

Unless they’re out we eat together. It’s not an option to opt out if they’re home and we only eat in the kitchen at the table

Housetreecar · 04/05/2022 14:52

Also if my teens are out at a friend I say “be home for 7 for dinner” it’s the same with their friends

waterrat · 04/05/2022 14:52

I agree that its great your teen has a social life and friendship group. There are so many posts on here about lonely teens who never leave the house. Are you happy with how she is spending her time? If so if perhaps try to compromise a little..what about setting a rule of a special family meal once a week ? Or family Sunday lunch ?

ISpyCobraKai · 04/05/2022 14:53

Dd didn't eat with me for years before she moved out, it never bothered me.

123rd · 04/05/2022 14:53

This was one of the few benefits of lockdown. We all actually sat down & ate as a family. Instead of us all cooking /reheating at different times. I miss that

Lochjeda · 04/05/2022 14:55

Its totally normal. I always have spare pizzas, nuggets, chips etc crap like that in that I can bung in for them if they are here at dinner time. I don't see the need to force her to eat with you when she's becoming more independent and building a friendship group.

Beamur · 04/05/2022 14:57

Yes, but my teen doesn't like to socialise during the week! Looking at my neighbours kids, they look like they're more like your DD.
I think as long as you make time to chat most days and eat together a few times a week - it's keeping the communication channels open that's important.

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