Does your teen eat meals with you?

[Tinkerblonde1]

My dd age 14 hasn't eaten a family meal with us for about 4 weeks. She always wants to be out with her friends.
Is this normal? I always read on here how it is the one thing people insist on.

I am treading carefully as my dd is under cahms due to an incident with her Dad so I tread carefully.

Her friends are sometimes here at my home until 8.30 so they don't go home for meals either. I am a teacher also and it seems it is common for teens to go out with friends from school and head home about 8pm.

I absolutely hate it and hope she grows out of it but I am treading carefully due to mental health.

AIBU? Or shall I put a stop to it.

Yes. Basic level of politeness when someone is cooking. In the week there are various hobbies so it is rare to all eat together but those not at a sport or scouts etc eat together. At the weekend teen knows to be home for dinner though often goes out again after. If going further afield where that isn't possible then be can of course let us know and make his own plans for dinner whether that is asking for a plate to be kept or letting us know he will be getting pizza with friends or whatever.

No, I don't think a 14 year old not eating a family meal for 4 weeks is normal. Yes, it's great that she has an active social life, but there has to be a balance.
When my children were that age we would eat the majority of evening meals together, except when they had scheduled activities or special events. They are now young adults and when they are home we eat dinner together unless they have specific plans to eat elsewhere. And in that case they will let me know beforehand. There's no way that I would put up with cooking a meal for, say, 5 people, and then only 3 are there to eat the meal, when I hadn't been informed that they had alternate plans.

She's 14. She's still a child. It's important that she spend quality time with you, her family, as well as her friends. I think it would be perfectly reasonable, when she tells you she's going out with her friends, that you say that's fine but be home by 7pm for dinner. Do you even know where or what she is eating?

We don't usually eat until 8 and usually we do eat together. I've never insisted on it though it's just what's happened.
If they go out they generally come home before tea. Eldest is nearly 16 though and will sometimes eat while she's out and that's fine too

Sorry but I think that's totally bizarre and I'd be quite worried - I mean, what is she eating every single night? And where?

Ds1 is 14. He has training two nights a week so usually ends up eating alone (at home) before or after on those nights, unavoidable due to timing.

If he goes out with friends he usually eats dinner when he's home, kept and warmed up. Sometimes takes money for chips instead.

But he's 14. He's a child, he has to be up at 7am for school. If he goes out on a school night, he has to be home by 8pm latest...so the worst would be him eating at 8pm at home, unless he's been fed in someones house (rarely).

I just can't imagine a situation like you describe, at all. Children can have a good social life and friendship group without all but disappearing for weeks on end!

My 16 year old is with CAHMS and will mostly eat in his room, though we encourage him to sit with us of course.

He does say he needs the alone time to decompress and be with thoughts and based on what he has being going through with his mental health, it's not a hill I will die on with him.

I try to connect at other points when and where I can. It doesn't need to be at the dinner table.

Yes - but it was dependent on sport and other after school commitments.

Rarely. Mine are 15 and 16. Even if they’re in they usually make themselves something. If they do go out they have to be in by 7/7.30. If their friends come over they they’re usually gone by 6.30/7pm on a school night. 8pm at weekends.

Always sit down together for tea.

We always eat together with the exception of Thursdays when DS and I are out at a hobby which we don't get home until 10pm from. Every other night we have a family meal, though of course on occasion someone is missing due to work or hobbies/social commitments. But everyone who is in the house at a meal time sits at the table at the same time. I've never actively "insisted" on it though, it just happens.

"I've never actively "insisted" on it though, it just happens."

Well, exactly. I can't imagine living in a house where this isn't the case.

Yes. I have two teens, one who goes out a lot with friends one who doesn’t. The one who does will occasionally be out at meal time, I either save him some or he gets something while he is out. I assume he will be out more as the weather gets better, I’m not overly bothered as I like him to be out playing football rather than stuck in on the Xbox.

If she's missing meal times do you know for sure she is eating?
When I was starving myself at her age I avoided the house at meal times. And DM never picked up on it.
You mentioned her having referral to CAMHS so thought worth raising it.

Not rtft so apologies if this has already been covered.

Whoever is in eats together, unless there is a specific reason why they're not here, like a club or they're out or something - in which case, they might eat earlier or later.
We'll often adjust our family meal time to accommodate something too.

It's always been the case, so it is automatic.

We always sit down at the table, too. We never eat off our laps in front of the the TV. I might get breakfast in bed at the weekend from dh, but other than that, nobody eats in their bedroom either.

If they have friends over, the friend eats with us too if they happen to be here at the right time.

On the whole yes and we sit at the table. It’s about the only time we get to be together as a family. I think it’s important for mental health they have a decent meal everyday.

15yo eats with us almost all of the time. Her circle don't socialise loads on weekday evenings, which is fine by me. She has a Friday activity that keeps her out late though. If she's going to be late I'll quite happily delay the meal so she can eat with us. 11yo likes it when this happens as we'll have chips and dips at teatime to see us through. I like to make sure she gets at least one vaguely nutritious meal a day, plus it's nice to catch up over the dining table. Sometimes we'll watch something at the same time.

DS15 and DS18 both sit down for dinner with us every day. I wouldn’t mind them missing dinner if out with friends, but I don’t think I would like it if their friends were round every night until 8:30. I understand that you need to tread carefully with your daughter, but in doing so you are allowing her and her friends to stomp all over your evenings. I’d try and come to a compromise, for example why are they always round your house, why can’t they take turns in hosting their group of friends?

DD is 17 now but tbf we mostly ate all together at that age.

Ours dont now, as they are coming and going, we don't need to eat together though to come together !

To add we also have a teen with a MH issue who wants to eat in the bedroom alone, we don't push it as we are a close family anyway.

No we all eat different meals at different times to due work/hobbies etc. We eat together maybe once a week. I've never been too bothered by the 'we must sit down together every day' and my kids have turned out just fine with good table manners and they chat to me all the time about their lives. They mainly eat in their rooms at their desks while they do homework/chat to friends/watch Netflix etc.

Also my kids cook their own dinners which is important too!

Not got to 14 yet but my nearly 12 year old wanted to take his up to his room to eat . That was a firm No ..
we are 50/50 on sitting all down together it depends on schedules .

Oh she isn't disappearing she is often here or in the out house with her and four mates. They have used raided my cupboards before I get in from work. Then they go for a walk to the park. She has to be in at 8. She sometimes has cereal or I make her eggs or pasta.
I know she doesn't eat much though. Which is probably another reason for my concern.

Thanks its not easy having teenagers with mental health issues. Which I don't think some people understand.

Same here, @CrapBucket