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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Tight partner whilst on maternity ?

104 replies

Jxxx9 · 03/05/2022 19:06

I had my own business covid hit , id just started to get back on my feet then fell pregnant , my baby is now 9 months old and im working a few mornings a week ( my family mind our son ) its not much money and im only doing a few hours as i dont have much childcare and im also trying to get my business back on its feet to pre covid level . My partner is on alot of money he has been transfering me £500 a month however this barely covers our food bill ( we both have a child from a previous relationship ) i buy all the childrens clothes / trainers and milk / baby food . He constantly
puts me down when we argue about how im not contributing and i should of gone back to work full time straight away , even tho we are not short of money . He will regulary treat himself to designer clothes and is going on a boys holiday this week costing thousands . Just feeling trapped really as iv always earned a good wage pre covid level and never had to rely on anyone before .

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 03/05/2022 19:07

Get married and get half his money

MadMadMadamMim · 03/05/2022 19:08

Split up.

He's a waste of space.

SummerHouse · 03/05/2022 19:09

What an arsehole. It's ducks in a row time. This is an absolute deal breaker. Can he really love you and treat you like this? All my respect for him would be gone. As would I.

shivawn · 03/05/2022 19:10

YANBU. You need to have a serious conversation about finances.

Thehop · 03/05/2022 19:10

Use his boys holiday to pack his shit and throw him out.

Shinyandnew1 · 03/05/2022 19:11

ask him if he would prefer you to go back to work full time and each pay 50% of the childcare bill.

LightningAndRainbows · 03/05/2022 19:12

How much would you get in CMS?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/05/2022 19:12

Well he sounds delightful. Do present him with a childcare bill

HollyDayDream · 03/05/2022 19:13

This is horrendous.

Have you worked out what he would need to pay as child maintenance if you were to leave him? It sounds likely you'd be better off leaving and claiming benefits and child maintenance.

He is not respecting you and I could not stay with someone who thinks this is okay.

What is keeping you there? Do you have some friends/family you could talk to to support you in ending the relationship?

Dreambigger · 03/05/2022 19:13

Yep he's awful this isn't how a relationship should work. You need a rethink on the whole thing. Sorry

Original poster

Jxxx9 · 03/05/2022 19:15

I own a house i rent out but the tenant has signed a contract which has another 8 months left and i currently live in his house with nowere else to go

OP posts:

Original poster

Jxxx9 · 03/05/2022 19:16

I havnt worked it out but alot more than £500

OP posts:

Dixiechickonhols · 03/05/2022 19:18

You need to have a discussion. Then make your decision and act accordingly.
Hes treating you as single which works as a child free couple if you are both working. But then you are minding his child for free. If he wants the each work full time model then he’s paying half childcare, half drop offs, half dick days etc. Remember you aren’t married so won’t be able to take into account your contribution to family life, share his pension if you split. He’s making it clear you are 2 single housemates who share a baby.

NamechangeFML · 03/05/2022 19:23

I actually think this is quite a common theme, if more people were honest.... annoyance at lower finances as mums "choose" to take "more " time off with their babies.
sometimes its an eyeroll to the mates in the pub about being skint "until She goes back to works.."

ive actually seen quite nice and sensible partners do this giving-an-allowance over shite.
youve stood for it for 9 months when it shouldve been discussed way before. Its up to you whether you continue on for the foreseeable wearing Primark and buying superdrug makeup , whilst he buys designer, but i know what id be doing...

Katya213 · 03/05/2022 19:28

I think this happens more often than people think. I know one lady whose partner is in the forces, she pays everything for her sons, he buys nothing and it’s just not expected of him, he is loaded as has also started in property. Another lady i know has to answer to husband who works and she doesn’t, for him working, he feels her work is at home and does absolutely nothing around the house whilst she runs round like the slave. I think women are too frightened to stand up to men financially.

Robin233 · 03/05/2022 19:34

My dh has always given me a very generous house keeping allowance.
This has increased over the years.
I now work full time , the kids have left home.
So I keep all my wages, the bills have reduced dramatically and I still have a huge house keeping allowance.
I'd have down tools years ago otherwise.

Musicalmaestro · 03/05/2022 19:35

OP, my partner was paying in £700 a month to our joint account when I was on maternity leave twenty years ago! And he wasn’t a high earner.

Indicatrice · 03/05/2022 19:37

Stop paying him anything if you are and save every penny.

CloudSharkie · 03/05/2022 19:38

Wait, do you buy clothes for his other child as well?

This is not on - none of it is. Get all the bills and split his wage / what you are earning.

Babyroobs · 03/05/2022 19:41

Do you not get any child maintenance from your child's dad to help with that child ? Agree with others though, he sounds awful. You would be better off alone than treated like this.

IfNoTwitterThenWhat · 03/05/2022 19:42

I thought this went out with the ark! Please women, do not have children with anyone who won’t go 50/50 on the costs. It’s one pot… kids have two parents

Original poster

Jxxx9 · 03/05/2022 19:42

Yes all the clothes for his child aswell as her mum sends her with nothing and i like them looking nice

OP posts:

Original poster

Jxxx9 · 03/05/2022 19:43

No hes not in the picture, just hard as i dont have anywere to go , he keeps telling me to go to my mums with the kids when we argue as its his house but my mum doesnt have room for us

OP posts:

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 03/05/2022 19:46

Sorry to clarify does he pay all the bills op? What else comes out of thr five hundred a month he gives you? Other than food and clothes? On top of this how much are you earning?

how much does he actually earn? And does he pay child support, as I’m guessing his child doesn’t live with you?

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 03/05/2022 19:47

Sorry also you said you were renting your house out, how much do you make fro. This?

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