Tight partner whilst on maternity ?

[Jxxx9]

I had my own business covid hit , id just started to get back on my feet then fell pregnant , my baby is now 9 months old and im working a few mornings a week ( my family mind our son ) its not much money and im only doing a few hours as i dont have much childcare and im also trying to get my business back on its feet to pre covid level . My partner is on alot of money he has been transfering me £500 a month however this barely covers our food bill ( we both have a child from a previous relationship ) i buy all the childrens clothes / trainers and milk / baby food . He constantly
puts me down when we argue about how im not contributing and i should of gone back to work full time straight away , even tho we are not short of money . He will regulary treat himself to designer clothes and is going on a boys holiday this week costing thousands . Just feeling trapped really as iv always earned a good wage pre covid level and never had to rely on anyone before .

Without blaming you, you've got yourself in really vulnerable position

• not married
• had a baby
• live in his sole house
• stopped work
• not had shared finances and he "gives you money".

All of this is in his favour, but not yours.

This isn't a coincidence, it's control.

I would personally leave him over this.

Otherwise, if you want to stay, demand a shared bank account with shared finances, get married and get on the mortgage for his house.

If he won't do any of those things - that says it all.

Ah right. So he knows your trapped there until your tennant leaves ? Cool. He sounds nice.

If you have separate finances, he should be paying you for half of your lost income from working reduced hours to care for his child.

on top of that he should be paying half of all child related expenses. He should have started this as soon as the baby was born so he owes you quite a bit of money.

Now, I didn’t really expect my partner to hand me cash for caring for our child because we simply commingled our finances and I could spend as much out of our joint bank account as I wished. He understood that once we had a child, his earnings were my earnings as much as his because without someone caring for his child he couldn’t go to work.

Yes he pays all the other bills , we rent the house i owned out and that just covers the mortgage .
It literally covers the food shop and then from the money im earning i will pay for school diners petrol clothes things like that never on myself which isnt much £100 a week roughly .

he earns over 100k a year combined with all the businesses he has . She lives with us currently

So you are paying the mortgage as well ? Unbelievable.

Hang on though, the rent from the house you own is your money. It shouldn’t be paying for his mortgage?!

All of his family are multi millionaires and hes grew up with money so its hard to make him
understand what its like to worry about it

How can he possibly say you aren’t contributing when your money is paying his mortgage?

Hmm so he pays the bills, you rent a house out that pays for the mortgage and he gives you £500 a month for food. What does that then leave you having to pay for? If you’re earning money isn’t that for you to then spend on yourself?

I work two days a week. My husband pays the mortgage, bills and for food. I pay off a few hundred of the credit card, petrol and then the rest is mine. He’s on 70k a year.

I think OP means the rent covers the mortgage on her house that she is renting out.

She already said- she pays for everything for the kids and therefore has no money for herself.

Exactly

although I doubt he will marry her as the absolute contempt he is treating her with regards to finances suggests exactly how he feels about her

Sorry yes he pays the mortgage on the house we live in ( which isnt much as his dad gifted him most of the funds ) and the tenants rent on my house just covers the mortgage nothing else left just a bit we keep to one side for repairs

I’m still not understanding op, so you earn four hundred a month, he gives you five hundred and so you have nine hundred a month jist to pay for food and school dinners and kids clothes and habe no money left after this?

nine hundred a month on petrol just for you and food, and kids clothes seems excessive to me.

This is pretty terrible. I’m currently on maternity leave. Not married and we live in my partner’s house (though it feels very much like our house). I own a flat which is rented out but not worth much in comparison to the house. So similar situation to you but the difference is my partner isn’t a shit. As soon as I got pregnant we opened a joint account and he covers everything while I’m on mat leave - he says he would never dream of me being in a position where I felt I couldn’t buy things if the only reason I had no money is because I’m taking time off work to look after our child. He would never ever tell me to leave the house just because we had an argument! Basically your other half doesn’t sound like a very nice man and he certainly doesn’t treat you very well.

She’s nine hundred a month,,,

It's not an awful lot to cover everything for 3 kids. I'm guessing because of his earnings op does not get any child benefit or anything. And she has said she does not get CM for her child from her previous relationship.

Why did you have a child with him?

This is a terribly shit situation. I've never heard anything like it. When I was on mat leave, WE just spent from the joint bank account. If there was any left, it went into joint savings. I could never live with a man chucking me scraps. Maternity leave exits because our bodies need time to recover and because babies benefit from time with their mums. You aren't being lazy by not working full time, you are caring for the most precious thing you will ever have at the time when they need you the most. He's such a dick and is using money to control you. Good luck to you- I think you have some big conversations / decisions ahead.

Sounds alot but our food bill is around £130 a week , my phone bill £50
landlord insurance
i owe money on a credit card and also took out a loan in covid to try and save the business
we also have a big car which is £160 to fill the tank currently , he will sometimes do this othertimes not( we have one car between us )

What car is £160 to fill?

Mine is massive and it is just over a £100

Marry him??

I would be doing the complete opposite.

Just to give you an insight into what it should be like (currently on Mat leave). I saved up a few grand to cover my Mat leave. I didn't realise I got OMP for 5.5 months - my hubby sent me £200 each month to cover the difference, I dropped to SMP my hubby asked me what the difference in that and my Pay was, i said I didn't need it all, he sends me £400 and then will send me extra bits if I've bought anything without me even asking. We have 2 older DC's and LO and DH is on half what your partner is. He doesn't think I should have to use my savings to cover as he hasn't used his savings to cover his normal expenditure so why should I.

You don't have the same level of income because you are caring for HIS child.

You have a few options OP

Option 1. Be honest, tell him you need X amount transferring at the beginning of each month to cover the gap in your loss of earnings or he keeps to the £500 but he pays for the shopping and clothes etc.

Option 2. Consider making a few appointments for nurseries and asking if he'd like to view them with you as you are looking to go back to work so you have more money. Tell him the cost and tell him you expect him to contribute on a ratio based on what you both earn.

Option 3. Leave. Tell him he is not respecting you and the fact you have massively reduced your income in order to care for his child and you would be better financially on your own claiming maintenance.

I'd probably start with option 1 and if no luck jump straight to option 3 as he clearly doesn't give a shit about you.

I’d say £500 a month for milk, baby food and clothes is more than enough.

His family being multi millionaires is irrelevant.

How much would you want him to give you to spend?

I’m really on the fence here.

Just because he earns a decent wage doesn’t mean he should give it to you so you can spend it on clothes to make the children look nice.

But you are a partnership and if your money isn’t covering the essentials then he absolutely should give you more to cover it.

Why not just get him to buy everything like milk and clothes and then he can see how much everything costs.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. He is behaving appallingly but sadly there's not much you can do about that. As you aren't married you have limited rights and options. But you do have the right to demand better - and then leave if/when you don't get it.

I'm afraid I don't think he has much respect for you if he's telling you to leave every time you have an argument because it's "his house". And earning £6k+ a month but only giving you £500 to run the home and care for the kids is not the sign of a loving partner. If you think it's worth one last try then have a sit down talk when kids aren't around and explain that you're not happy, that you should be a partnership, and that you ought to both be comfortable and not stressed about money.

But I think you probably already know deep down that he's not going to change and that you need to start making arrangements to move out. You can cut short the tenancy on your house with only a couple of months notice so I suggest you do that as soon as you feel able.

Good luck

How does that work?