Tight partner whilst on maternity ?

[Jxxx9]

I had my own business covid hit , id just started to get back on my feet then fell pregnant , my baby is now 9 months old and im working a few mornings a week ( my family mind our son ) its not much money and im only doing a few hours as i dont have much childcare and im also trying to get my business back on its feet to pre covid level . My partner is on alot of money he has been transfering me £500 a month however this barely covers our food bill ( we both have a child from a previous relationship ) i buy all the childrens clothes / trainers and milk / baby food . He constantly
puts me down when we argue about how im not contributing and i should of gone back to work full time straight away , even tho we are not short of money . He will regulary treat himself to designer clothes and is going on a boys holiday this week costing thousands . Just feeling trapped really as iv always earned a good wage pre covid level and never had to rely on anyone before .

Get rid of the prick. He will only get worse with age like vinegar.

Sweet Jesus 😳
Was he always this stingy?

I think the responses here are OTT. £900 a month to spend on food and clothes doesn’t sound too bad at all. Especially if her DP is covering all housing costs, utilities, car costs etc.

The living arrangements also mean the OP is able to bring down the mortgage on her own property, and keep an appreciating asset in her own name.

I agree @GirlsTalk250 .. 900 per month, plus accommodation paid for and her own house mortgage getting paid! Nothing wrong with that.
If he isn't covering basic bills then defo look into him giving more but dunno how people expect him to give half his wages. I would not expect or accept that from my OH!

I went through exactly the same thing. The only thing to do is a get a full time job when you can and lump him with 50 percent of the childcare I actually split it on the basis of disposable income. Men like this never change.

I also think these responses are ott and just grabby and greedy, she’s not entitled to more of his money for gods sake. they give women a bad name, She lives rent free, has all bills paid for and has nine hundred quid a month to pay for food and clothes and she works a few hours a week. She doesn’t need to buy loads of new clothes for the children. And most families with two small kids don’t eat six hundred quids worth of food a month.

she’s also go her own home and has the luxury of renting it out and using the rent to pay her mortgage off. She’s even got money left over for repairs.

this screeching he’s got thousands he should give it to her is ludicrous.

You need to plan your exit strategy now. Men like this never change, they just get worse. My dad who travelled all over the US, Australia and Asia when we were children, allegedly on his own but in hindsight was probably with his latest floozy, once told my SAH mum, who had never been on holiday anywhere home or abroad that she didn’t work so didn’t deserve a holiday. The man was an absolute pig and your DP does not sound much better.

You need to sit down and get an excel document going showing all incomings and outgoings so that you can show EXACTLY who is contributing what and where the money is going and see whether you are being hard done by. Without more detail it is difficult to make that call. Once you have one month of income and costs on an excel document sit down and examine it, if you think you are being hard done by then take the excel document to your fella, sit down and have a long conversation about how your joint spending should change or whether he should be contributing more. Without a cost breakdown to show him the issue, with proof, your argument is weak.

It comes across as weak here without the detail. The idea of an estimated figure of £900 to pay for food shopping, clothes and fuel while he picks up the mortgage and all other utilities sounds pretty alright. It depends on what your debts are (which are your responsibility) and how expensive your tastes are for yourself and for your and his kid.

I've got a big car, seats 5 all in proper seats, 2l petrol engine, and a full tank is no more than £110. (Athough I never go below half a tank if possible - less scary that way!)

What are you driving for heaven's sake OP - a minibus?

You need to shop around for cheaper fuel.

I'm so glad we have the old fashioned way of doing things. All money in one pot, ask each other about big spends. I had three years off work but studied.

Sorry you’re feeling like this 🤦🏼‍♀️ My partner isn’t quite as bad but it’s just this kind of underlying idea that I’m expected to pay for so many baby things because I’m his main parent or something. I don’t think he even has any concept of the stuff I have to buy for him. It was £75 for another block of baby classes the other night and I said I didn’t have money in yet so could I put it on the joint account. He then said I was to pay it on his card but yes, it’s for me to go to, but it is our child so why up until now have I automatically been paying for all of this myself? When I first started mat leave the agreement was he would send me £300 a month to top my smp up to £1000. He did this about twice then hasn’t again 🙈 I started up a business that’s going really quite well since I’ve been off so I haven’t relied on that money. He constantly makes comments about the fact I’m just working constantly but doesn’t seem to grasp that if I don’t we literally won’t have any money and he’s doing nothing to help that 🤔 It’s like he just needs it spelled out to him but if it was the other way round I would automatically be offering money. Even just like every single toy and outfit our son has, it’s me that’s bought it. He would never just think to buy him something 🙈 sorry, another rant really isn’t what you’re needing but I feel your pain!

& please don't mention pensions because I think MN gets so involved with other peoples savings and going on about pensions without knowing details

The PPs saying £900( he only gives £500 out of his £6000) is fine don't be grabby, would you be ok with your OH belittling you for being on Mat leave, buying himself designer clothes, off on holiday whilst begrudging you and HIS kids every penny, is that really a partnership?

Tell him to go fill the car everytime it needs doing, stop feeding him (or at least nothing more than lentils as you can't afford it) and when his child needs something send him the link to click on to buy it.

It cosy me £147 last week to fill my car - 90ltr tank Mercedes. It's quite possible for it to cost £160 depending on local fuel prices.

Spot the MRA

Your boyfriend has been clear, and told you to get out of his property. You obviously need to find a home for you and your kids, whether that’s kicking your tenant out and losing the income they provide you, or housing yourself. This shitty farce of a relationship is dead.

I'm sorry but I find it strange when a couple with a child (aka a family) don't just have joint money. Is there a reason? I earn over twice as much as OH, but we don't separate it. Just a joint acc everything goes into and we both have access. It's not right what is happening in your situation, you need to sit down with your partner and work it out

She also lives rent free In his house, whilst renting out hers and using the money to pay her mortgage, he pays all the bills, community tax, utilities, sky, insurance etc, I’m fairly sure half of that lot also comes in at a hefty amount. They aren’t married, and even if she was she’d not be entitled to his money.

honestly some folks need to check their privilege, on what planet is living bill free and having nine hundred quid a month to spend on food and clothes in some way hard done by, he’s probably subsidising her to yhr tune of at least 1500 a month,

if the genders were reversed and she said my boyfriend lives with me, rents out his house but uses thr money to pay his mortgage, saves the extra for repairs, I pay all bills here from thr mortgage to water to electricity, he doesn’t contribute a penny and lives totally at my expense, and he earns 400 odd quid a month and I give him another five hundred all he has to do is pay for food, kids clothes and his phone from that nine hundred and he says I should give him more as I earn approx 100k people would tell her to put him in the bin, Not scream, she should give him more and that’s she’s an awful person if she doesn’t.

@Wisteriaroundthedoor

*She also lives rent free In his house, whilst renting out hers and using the money to pay her mortgage, he pays all the bills, community tax, utilities, sky, insurance etc, I’m fairly sure half of that lot also comes in at a hefty amount. They aren’t married, and even if she was she’d not be entitled to his money.

honestly some folks need to check their privilege, on what planet is living bill free and having nine hundred quid a month to spend on food and clothes in some way hard done by, he’s probably subsidising her to yhr tune of at least 1500 a month,*

Would you be happy if you gave up work, gave up your opportunity to earn a decent income, to raise your PARTNERS baby and have some maternity leave. For your partner to then be going on thousand pound holidays with the lads whilst you are scrimping each month to buy food, put fuel in the car, clothe your children etc with zero spending money for luxuries for yourself? If you would then bigger fool you, you mug! She lives rent free? They are partners with children, equals, not a child living in her parents house. If he doesn't want her to be at home to care for his kids because he doesn't want to subsidise her income to ensure she has the same quality of life as he does then he should be happy to massively contribute to the hefty childcare fees to enable her to earn her own money - or happy if she leaves because he's a prick.

Do we know he wouldn’t pay childcare if OP wanted to work full time?

As we don’t know how much his outgoings are we can’t know how much disposable income he has. We also don’t know how frequent the ‘luxury’ holidays are.

The OP needs to have a sensible conversation with him about outgoings. She has put herself in a vulnerable place.

Op, I assume you do most of the housework?

If you do he is getting a such a bargain-childcare, housework, kids stuff, food for £500 a month.

Hope you claim child benefit. He can pay the tax back as he is supposed to contribute more

Please don't think it's be ausd he doesn't understand about being poor. He knows full well how much money it takes but chooses to be mean with you. It is a CHOICE.

Once you realise this it will make your conversations with him easier to understand. If you spend time trying to make him understand you don't have money and it isn't fair you are just wasting your energy.

Unfortunately you need to get back into your flat and prepare to be a single mum.
This man is not your friend,let alone partner.

If I've had someone's child I consider their earnings to be mine, and share an account

Maybe I’m mistaken but she never “gave up work”, her business struggled during Covid, there was never an agreement to give up work and he’d support her? It would be very different if that was the agreement, but it wasn’t. It’s more circumstance and he’s telling her to get a job as they never agreed she’d be a stay at home parent and he’d pay for her.

and she gets more than 500 a month, she lives rent and bill free. People are acting like that’s irrelevant, for me personally that’s a lot of where my money goes, on paying my mortgage and bills.

I really dont understand the answers. It would be lovely if he shared all his money with her, but she’s certainly not entitled to it, and she’s not on a bad deal.

even if she could get back into her own house and kick the tenants out, she can’t afford to pay her mortgage and bills, never mind feed herself, she earns 400 quid a month and works part time.

right now she has pretty much everything paid for.