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Original poster

Tight partner whilst on maternity ?

104 replies

Jxxx9 · 03/05/2022 19:06

I had my own business covid hit , id just started to get back on my feet then fell pregnant , my baby is now 9 months old and im working a few mornings a week ( my family mind our son ) its not much money and im only doing a few hours as i dont have much childcare and im also trying to get my business back on its feet to pre covid level . My partner is on alot of money he has been transfering me £500 a month however this barely covers our food bill ( we both have a child from a previous relationship ) i buy all the childrens clothes / trainers and milk / baby food . He constantly
puts me down when we argue about how im not contributing and i should of gone back to work full time straight away , even tho we are not short of money . He will regulary treat himself to designer clothes and is going on a boys holiday this week costing thousands . Just feeling trapped really as iv always earned a good wage pre covid level and never had to rely on anyone before .

OP posts:
OfstedOffred · 03/05/2022 20:32

Was the baby planned together? He doesn't sound very committed to a long term partnership with you if he's not joining finances etc.

Stripyhoglets1 · 03/05/2022 20:34

The £500 is for food for everyone.

Doodar · 03/05/2022 20:36

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 03/05/2022 20:14

I’m still not understanding op, so you earn four hundred a month, he gives you five hundred and so you have nine hundred a month jist to pay for food and school dinners and kids clothes and habe no money left after this?

nine hundred a month on petrol just for you and food, and kids clothes seems excessive to me.

food will be a minimum of £5-600, that's £75 a weeks left, not much at all.

Rumplestrumpet · 03/05/2022 20:36

And those saying £500 is enough to live off are missing the point - he earns £6k a month, buys himself designer gear and goes on flashy holidays while his "partner" is going without, counting pennies to clothe his children. What kind of a man does this?!? I'm not saying he MUST split everything 50/50 (although I do think this is right in a committed relationship) but his behaviour is appalling and not the sign of a loving and committed partnership

grafittiartist · 03/05/2022 20:38

He is only able to work because you are providing childcare. Drives me bananas when men do this.
Shared situation shared money.

Stripyhoglets1 · 03/05/2022 20:39

Start to get organised to leave him when you can move back into your rental. He doesn't respect you.

Claim maintenance off your other child's father but don't tell you OH. Save as much of that as you can.

When you are a single parent you will be able to claim help towards childcare costs while you work.

You will be able to claim CM off your OH as well as long as you don't share 50/50 - and he will lose his childcare for his other child.

LittleBearPad · 03/05/2022 20:46

Whilst you need to have a conversation with him about a larger amount of money for the food shop etc you also need to help yourself. Why don’t you get CM for your own child and tbh the baby. You can claim it and he can pay the tax.

You should also claim child maintenance from your first child’s father if at all possible.

Why is your phone so expensive?
What on earth car are you driving that a full tank is £160!

BadNomad · 03/05/2022 20:48

Leave him and claim child maintenance from him. On earnings of £100k a year that's £700 a month? Something more than you're getting now anyway.

Peekabooer · 03/05/2022 20:50

Okay, I had one like this. I was getting £650 a month maternity allowance at the end of my pregnancy and he told me I had to carry on paying half the mortgage/bills/food etc whilst pregnant and then after the baby was born. He is a self-employed electrician earning £30 plus an hour. I had no other income at the time and was terrified as I knew I would have to buy most of the baby stuff and look after my dog with the small amount I had. He relented in the end but only because I told him if he refused to support us I would have to get a full time job and he would have to stay at home with the baby. I ended up leaving him when our baby was four weeks old. It’s a bad sign. The good news is that if he’s that bad it is much easier without them.

Seraphinesupport · 03/05/2022 20:52

500 is nothing!!! my mum gives me 300 a month just to help out!!!

Darbs76 · 03/05/2022 20:53

Can you get a job? I wouldn’t ever rely on someone else now. I took 6 months unpaid when I had DS2 and I I don’t know how I got through it. Ex had plenty of money too, but made out we were poverty stricken. That’s why he’s an ex. He’s still the same, hundreds of thousands in the bank but complains about small costs

Nothappyatwork · 03/05/2022 20:53

Is he self employed?

clippety clop · 03/05/2022 21:01

He earns over 100k and gives you £500 - you need to insist he gives you an allowance for looking after his DC. If he was paying for full time nursery it would be a lot more than £500 per month. You are a team.

Booboobibles · 03/05/2022 21:01

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 03/05/2022 20:14

I’m still not understanding op, so you earn four hundred a month, he gives you five hundred and so you have nine hundred a month jist to pay for food and school dinners and kids clothes and habe no money left after this?

nine hundred a month on petrol just for you and food, and kids clothes seems excessive to me.

But he has thousands….

Tilltheend99 · 03/05/2022 21:02

grafittiartist · 03/05/2022 20:38

He is only able to work because you are providing childcare. Drives me bananas when men do this.
Shared situation shared money.

Exactly, these threads drive me up the wall. If a nanny was looking after the same number of children MN wouldn’t be expecting her/him to work for free. Yet if a woman decides to do her own childcare she is treated like a scrounger even if working part time.

LittleBearPad · 03/05/2022 21:02

BadNomad · 03/05/2022 20:48

Leave him and claim child maintenance from him. On earnings of £100k a year that's £700 a month? Something more than you're getting now anyway.

Well not really on the basis OP currently doesn’t pay any bills and the mortgage on her property is covered by the rent she earns on it.

Yes there’s a more fair approach but relying on child maintenance isn’t going to be any better

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 03/05/2022 21:03

Write up a realistic budget and discuss it with him.

If he still dismisses you, tells you to go to your mum's, at least you will know you tried, he dismissed what you said, it isn't you, it is him. You won't have to wonder why any more. You'll know that this is who he is.

Currently you sound as though you aren't really sure.

But the bottom line is, you had a good business, you now have a child. He needs to do better and you need to be in a position to get that business back on its feet.

With or without him!

Torres10 · 03/05/2022 21:06

If I was you, I would focus on improving your financial position, either through re-building your business or getting into paid employment.
If you can get some momentum in 8 months when that tenancy is up you are free..and then I would also make sure he pays full maintenance etc of course..be sneaky and plan your way out

Viviennemary · 03/05/2022 21:07

These threads drive me mad too. It doesnt matter if he earns hundreds of thousands year if he keeps it for himself it's no good is it? This is why it's so dangerous and risky to asume a much better of partner will share. They don't always see their earnings as belonging to both.

Dixiechickonhols · 03/05/2022 21:08

There’s a lot of we in your post but his actions aren’t we they are single bloke. What would happen if you said you’re quite right I’ve got a full time job starting Monday I’ll be out 8-6 each day.

NotAScoobyToBeSeen · 03/05/2022 21:12

Please use the 8 months to plan and get yourself out. Being treated decently shouldnt be so much hard work. You know this isnt right and you deserve better. The sooner you get out, the sooner you'll be back on your feet

MrBoldwood · 03/05/2022 21:13

And you’re with him…. Why?

Notimeforaname · 03/05/2022 21:18

The good news is that if he’s that bad it is much easier without them.

Really think about this op. Because it's true.

As others have said ,if you can make a plan to move out when your tenant leaves in 8 months. He will have to pay for all of his children and you dont have to live with him dictating how much is enough for you to live off.

McNick · 03/05/2022 21:23

He sounds immature. Raising a family requires teamwork, usually mum & dad but in the absence of that it's extended family & friends.
Financial stability is important but so is emotional & social, for all involved - mum, dad, baby.
Each person within 'the team' has their part to play. Hopefully, each player will be played in their 'best' position. So at present he is best at earning whilst you are at best nurturing baby. No team player is more valuable than the other.
Any resentment will destabilise the team.
Your partner is now a father, he either steps up to the challenge or he lets down his team

Mrsmch123 · 03/05/2022 21:24

You need to have a frank conversation with him. He else do needs to up your money. I'm on mat leave and my husband currently transfers around £600 a month to me. He pay the lions share got the bills. I have car insurance, phone, nothing major. He pays for the food shopping, gas, electricity ect. The money is keeps me ticking over so I don't have to dip into our savings but he would be more than happy if I needed to. I mainly use the money for general bits and bobs. Classes for the baby. I do buy all the babies clothes as my husband would come back with everything full of dinosaurs and tractors😂🙈