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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Or is my brother a CF

108 replies

Potentiallytakenforaride · 03/05/2022 16:57

Quick context (it’s relevant, I promise). My older brother is a bit of a ne’er-do-well. Had all of life’s opportunities - top private school education etc etc, but has ended up making very poor decisions, smoking lots of weed and generally being a bit of a user and very selfish. Eg lives in a family owned flat for 1/4 of what it’s worth and still complains/is the victim, quits his job frequently to go travelling then wonders why his gf of the time isn’t there when he returns after 9 months, constantly agrees to meet me for lunch and then doesn’t want to pay so I have to.

Anyway my father (who DB doesn’t speak to) bought me my first car a few years ago. A shitty little run around but I loved it! I had a child and needed a larger car (it’s 2 door and was a disaster with car seat) and I’m pretty financially comfortable so I gave it to DB as he wanted to learn to drive. This was on the agreement he didn’t just sell it but actually use it (if I wanted to sell it I would have sold it myself but wanted it to go to my brother to use if that makes sense).

3 years later he has not passed his test, has broken up with another gf and has decided to give her the car. He hasn’t talked to me first, offered it back to me (would be quite useful with 3 children to have a second car) or anything - my mother just came and told me he’s given it to her.

AIBU to think he could have discussed it first? I appreciate I gave him the car so some (or most) people will say it’s his to do what he wants with, it just feels a bit shitty.

TLDR: I gave my brother my old car and he’s now given it to his ex as some sort of parting gift.

OP posts:
RubyRubyRubyDiamond · 03/05/2022 17:01

Cut your losses here but use it as a learning curve.

Potentiallytakenforaride · 03/05/2022 17:03

@RubyRubyRubyDiamond

well there’s nothing I can do about it anyway I just want to know if IABU because that will alter what I say to him when he eventually mentions it to me (if he does?! My mother told me not to tell him I know…)

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 03/05/2022 17:03

YANBU to be annoyed with GB on general principles.

But you already knew he was a CF, so YABU (to yourself) to waste energy on annoyance about the car.

Once you give a gift, all decisions about it are up to the new owner. If your DB wasn't such an irritating sponger, the car decision wouldn't be winding you up ... so stop allowing him to spoil your day & go & do something nice for yourself instead. Brew Cake

ZorbaTheHoarder · 03/05/2022 17:04

Yes, he is a cheeky sod, but it sounds as though he is never going to change.

Write the car off and leave him to his own devices!

IncompleteSenten · 03/05/2022 17:05

Considering the car was given to you I'd say let this one go and just decide to not help him out again.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/05/2022 17:06

My mother told me not to tell him I know

Crikey.
That was very poor form from your mother.

Why should you engage in subterfuge, or gameplaying, or protecting your DB in some asinine way?

I can't work out what your mother is trying to engineer here, but am gonna take a wild guess - DM doesn't believe that DB should be challenged about his behaviour, & has a habit of co-opting you to enable their enmeshment?

Merryoldgoat · 03/05/2022 17:06

YABU because all of his behaviour points to him doing something like this.

Nothing in your description of him suggests he’d have listened to you so you took a big risk.

AchatAVendre · 03/05/2022 17:07

How can he give her the car if he's not the registered keeper? Don't you need a driving license to be a registered keeper?

FawnFrenchieMum · 03/05/2022 17:09

Is it something I would have done, no as it’s CF but in context of your brother it sounds pretty standard so I wouldn’t lose sleep over it. Just don’t allow him the opportunity to do something like that again.

Potentiallytakenforaride · 03/05/2022 17:12

@AchatAVendre

funnily enough he messaged me 2 weeks ago out of the blue asking something about the logbook and car ownership and I was surprised as I had told him at the time to deal with it/how to deal with it. So perhaps it’s in my name still? Or perhaps he put it in her name? I have no idea.

I agree with everyone I’ve been a bit naive about this I just tried to do something nice for my brother but have instead ended up giving a car I could have used to his ex…

going to stop going along with his general CF too.

@KettrickenSmiled
she just enjoys shit stirring but doesn’t want anything to come back to bite her…

OP posts:
Sally872 · 03/05/2022 17:12

Your brother is annoying but in this instance it was a shitty little run around, he kept it for 3 years and hasnt sold it so I would say at this point he doesn't have to check with you.

If it was a few months ago you gave him it or he sold it then I would say yanbu.

Likely his girlfriend used the car more as brother doesnt drive, and considers it hers now as she paid for other things and brother didn't feel he should or didn't care enough to argue for it back.

Potentiallytakenforaride · 03/05/2022 17:13

I’ve just messaged him
to ask if he sorted out the ownership issue. He said “I believe so”.

I have now asked if he’s sure as I think you need a licence to be the owner (thanks PP for the info) and I need to know if it’s in my name as I’m liable.

OP posts:
Potentiallytakenforaride · 03/05/2022 17:14

@Sally872

i don’t really begrudge the GF the car as I think the situation is exactly as you describe and she’s come out badly out of their relationship because he’s a massive CF who has wasted her time.

OP posts:
DadsTrilby · 03/05/2022 17:15

You don’t need a licence to be a registered keeper.

GarethSouthgatesWaistcoat · 03/05/2022 17:16

If it's in your name can you get it back? Hard luck on the gf but that's life.

Sally872 · 03/05/2022 17:18

Another way of looking at it is did you ask your dad before giving it to brother? If he wanted to give his son he doesn't speak to a car surely he would have done it?

Potentiallytakenforaride · 03/05/2022 17:19

@Sally872

Another way of looking at it is did you ask your dad before giving it to brother?

I did, yes!

OP posts:
Sally872 · 03/05/2022 17:19

It is important to make sure you aren't owner so good to get paperwork sorted. I just wouldn't waste the headspace being annoyed about it.

Sally872 · 03/05/2022 17:21

Potentiallytakenforaride · 03/05/2022 17:19

@Sally872

Another way of looking at it is did you ask your dad before giving it to brother?

I did, yes!

In that case I can see why you felt brother should have. But I do think it is unusual to expect that after this amount of time.

Eddielizzard · 03/05/2022 17:31

Well it's how your brother operates. I wouldn't be doing something like that for him again!

dworky · 03/05/2022 17:32

You know, if others didn't facilitate cf's like this, they couldn't continue to get away with it.

Potentiallytakenforaride · 03/05/2022 17:35

Now I’m annoyed that I’ve given him
the perfect opportunity to tell him by asking re the ownership and he hasn’t!!!

OP posts:
Potentiallytakenforaride · 03/05/2022 17:35

I’m actually amazed he’s given it to the ex because he’s so mean with money!

OP posts:
Potentiallytakenforaride · 03/05/2022 17:39

*tell me

OP posts:
AProperStinging · 03/05/2022 17:44

My older brother is a bit of a ne’er-do-well. Had all of life’s opportunities - top private school education etc etc, but has ended up making very poor decisions, smoking lots of weed and generally being a bit of a user and very selfish. Eg lives in a family owned flat for 1/4 of what it’s worth and still complains/is the victim, quits his job frequently to go travelling then wonders why his gf of the time isn’t there when he returns after 9 months, constantly agrees to meet me for lunch and then doesn’t want to pay so I have to.

  1. You knew all this and decided to give him the car. Why are you surprised that he has given it away?

  2. You describe yourself as 'financially comfortable' and you already have a (better) car. Why do you begrudge his girlfriend having it?