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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my brother a CF

108 replies

Potentiallytakenforaride · 03/05/2022 16:57

Quick context (it’s relevant, I promise). My older brother is a bit of a ne’er-do-well. Had all of life’s opportunities - top private school education etc etc, but has ended up making very poor decisions, smoking lots of weed and generally being a bit of a user and very selfish. Eg lives in a family owned flat for 1/4 of what it’s worth and still complains/is the victim, quits his job frequently to go travelling then wonders why his gf of the time isn’t there when he returns after 9 months, constantly agrees to meet me for lunch and then doesn’t want to pay so I have to.

Anyway my father (who DB doesn’t speak to) bought me my first car a few years ago. A shitty little run around but I loved it! I had a child and needed a larger car (it’s 2 door and was a disaster with car seat) and I’m pretty financially comfortable so I gave it to DB as he wanted to learn to drive. This was on the agreement he didn’t just sell it but actually use it (if I wanted to sell it I would have sold it myself but wanted it to go to my brother to use if that makes sense).

3 years later he has not passed his test, has broken up with another gf and has decided to give her the car. He hasn’t talked to me first, offered it back to me (would be quite useful with 3 children to have a second car) or anything - my mother just came and told me he’s given it to her.

AIBU to think he could have discussed it first? I appreciate I gave him the car so some (or most) people will say it’s his to do what he wants with, it just feels a bit shitty.

TLDR: I gave my brother my old car and he’s now given it to his ex as some sort of parting gift.

OP posts:
Original poster
Potentiallytakenforaride · 03/05/2022 20:11

I’m going to use this as a jumping off platform to address the issues. I’ve really had enough. He has mentioned seeing the children and i Am going to be extremely blunt that we either always come to my place where I host him and provide refreshments, or go out somewhere where he then doesn’t pay. ONCE in 3 years he has had us to theirs. He didn’t so much as think to get snacks or drinks for the children (luckily we brought our own!)

this is it! 💪🏻 (I’m actually a pretty assertive person I guess I just feel sorry for him and it’s all muddled up in my mother’s enabling and our childhood)

OP posts:
Changechangychange · 03/05/2022 20:22

And actually why do I feel bad about him saying he can’t afford a salad when he inherited 21k last year

Exactly - just keep reminding yourself he absolutely can afford it and does have money, he is just trying to manipulate/embarrass you into paying for him. If he chooses not to buy himself any lunch, there is no reason for you to feel embarrassed.

You might like the Captain Awkward advice blog (or you might not, she can be quite American). But one tip she does have is “return the embarrassment to sender” - when someone does something appalling, you don’t need to run around mitigating that. They can feel the embarrassment of the moment. You don’t need to feel embarrassment on their behalf.

Hutchy16 · 03/05/2022 20:27

You gave him an old car, three years ago? Your brother didn’t use it for three years, and now you are mad because he gave it away.

if he had kept it you still wouldn’t have use of it. I think that you dislike him for other reasons, and are just using the car as a final straw.

but you are being unreasonable about the car (but not about the other stuff)

BronwenFrideswide · 03/05/2022 20:32

this is it! 💪🏻 (I’m actually a pretty assertive person I guess I just feel sorry for him and it’s all muddled up in my mother’s enabling and our childhood)

Good for you, you can do this. I did wonder if there was some messed up family dynamic at play. Value yourself OP don't let that be undermined by whatever went on in the past. Good luck, onwards and upwards.Flowers

Original poster
Potentiallytakenforaride · 03/05/2022 20:35

But one tip she does have is “return the embarrassment to sender” - when someone does something appalling, you don’t need to run around mitigating that. They can feel the embarrassment of the moment. You don’t need to feel embarrassment on their behalf

I need to learn how to do this!

OP posts:
toddlingabout · 03/05/2022 20:35

Why don't you just play dumb and ask for it back, being as he's not used it in 3 years.

Olsi109 · 03/05/2022 20:38

I think it's a bigger issue for you maybe because of how much of a dick he is on so many occasions and it's just the icing on the cake of how selfish he is. On this basis I think you're right to be annoyed as I'd probably get fed up too.

However, looking at it as an isolated incident,you've been gifted a car from your dad, you've regifted that car to your brother and after 3 years he's gifted it to his ex. Although a bit of a shitty thing to do it is just that, a bit shitty and probably something you're going to have to let go.

But please stop letting him take advantage of your good nature. If he invites you for lunch, make sure he can afford it - are you sure you can afford? Then he knows he's expected to at least by his own x

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/05/2022 20:43

I guess it’s become more of a “family joke” but actually this thread and writing this down has made me realise how unfunny it is and how much it fucks me off. And actually why do I feel bad about him saying he can’t afford a salad when he inherited 21k last year?! Sometimes someone can be so shameless you feel their shame for them

I feel that this is what texting is designed for. He is a CF extraordinaire.

Next time the subject of lunch crops up text to say you are still waiting for your birthday lunch which never arrived and that if you do meet for lunch you will not be paying for him as you have already done that too many times. Tell him he can afford his own salad.

Tell him you know about the car. Say you offered him the car because you thought he needed it, but its annoying that he gave it away and swore your mother to keep it a secret from you. It means he knew it would annoy you to find out. say that you would prefer him to be honest with you. Copy them both in.

I guess both these texts would be a bit explosive...to say the least LOL! and maybe this is more wishful advice than advice you should act on in real life but clearly you are fed up with this so its either carry on putting up with it or put the cat amongst the pigeons a bit and see whether it changes anything. In anycase, I think you need to put some boundaries in place with this CF and also with your DM who is enabling him and treating him as a special case who must be protected.

Original poster
Potentiallytakenforaride · 03/05/2022 20:46

I feel a lot better that other people think he is a CF in general

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 03/05/2022 20:52

Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? He’s a CF and you are enabling him. Sounds like you don’t want to do that anymore which is good. But your cCF brother is used to using your embarrassment to manipulate you into doing what he wants so you need to be prepared for that, as he will likely up the anti to bring you back in line. He will drag your mum in as she’s his supporter. So either go lower contact, at yours or your mums house only , or be prepared for fireworks

Sally872 · 03/05/2022 21:49

Although I posted earlier that in this instance yabu. I 100% agree he is a CF in general. Suspect that is why this attest issue has irrated you.

Accept who he is and meet him if you are happy to pay, host him if you want to. But when you feel taken for granted step back for a bit and have some space. Maybe you will miss him and remember the good points. If not then you've not lost anything just keep your distance.

Sally872 · 03/05/2022 21:50

*latest not attest
**And iratated not irate

AchatAVendre · 03/05/2022 22:37

StScholastica · 03/05/2022 20:01

Ampleforth by any chance?
They seem to have form for turning out these types.

Echoing this!

God knows why their parents pay tens of thousands for that result!

newnamethanks · 04/05/2022 15:04

Presumably for the odour of sanctity that surrounds them.

iggybop · 04/05/2022 19:35

Well he’s had it for 3 years. Thats long enough

And he cannot drive so it presumably costs him to tax, insure etc so why not pass it on? He will no doubt benefit by GF being his chauffeur

its not worth getting worked up about

Mirw · 04/05/2022 20:06

Couple of things... Don't go out to lunch with your brother(s) if it grieves you so much. It is not obligatory that you gave a relationship with him/them based on their values. And if he/they are such a pain, set tge rules and stick to them. If he/they don't get the message, give up on them until they do. Otherwise stop moaning as you are just as enabling as your mother is!

BellaVida101 · 04/05/2022 20:28

You’re totally entitled to be annoyed. But in the grand scheme of things he didn’t sell it and once you’ve given something away, it’s done.

Original poster
Potentiallytakenforaride · 04/05/2022 20:40

why not pass it on?

why not pass it back to me or at least ask if he is going to give it away?

OP posts:
Bleachmycloths · 04/05/2022 22:20

I’m surprised that you’re surprised at his behaviour with the car. You knew what he was like. What did you expect?

Mandyjack · 04/05/2022 22:29

If he thinks he can blag a free lunch from you he'll continue to do so, either don't go or say to him I'm paying for mine on a card you'll have to sort your own bill out.

Mandyjack · 04/05/2022 22:31

whose name is the car in ? If its in your name contact the ex gf of his and explain its still your car and you want it back

RachaelN · 05/05/2022 08:36

Technically the registered keeper is only the owner of a vehicle if money has exchanged hands. Otherwise they are just responsible for upkeep etc. If there was no proof of sale it would actually still belong to your father, but as he gifted it to you I would say you are the owner.

I know this because my sister in-law and myself actually swapped our cars because it was more suitable for our situations. We did a bank transfer each for the same amount with the registrations as reference and changed registered keeper.
She decided to sell the car after a couple of years which was completely her right to do lawfully.

Vikinga · 05/05/2022 08:51

Come on op. He is flaky. He doesn't have a driving license. He keeps giving up his work. Why on earth did you give him a car and expect anything else?

Also, you know when you meet he's not going to pay so why make such a song and dance about it. Either think that you want to see him so will pay (since you can easily afford it) or think that actually you don't want to see someone who takes the piss so much.

Ffffffs · 05/05/2022 08:53

I feel you, OP. Both of my siblings are entitled CFs, enabled by my parents to not work FT or rent or own their own places, despite same privileged upbringing (private school, uni, inheritances). I don't speak to either and just laugh and do a massive internal eye roll when either parent attempts to justify their behaviour.

I've learnt to not let it bother me, aided by being no contact. It's not your job to fix him, and as a PP said, you wouldn't take this from someone you're not related to, so why suck it up for "family"?

Expect CF and don't react if you continue contact.

MissCrowley · 05/05/2022 09:06

Unfortunately from what you've written he's always been a CF.
Write the car off and never do anything for him again. Also stop meeting him for lunch, meet him at a park instead that way the cheeky shite can't get you to pay for him.
I have a DSB a bit like this and I rarely see him. He's a massive cock lodger to his GF and it makes me cringe knowing I'm related (somewhat distantly as we don't share parents, just our families are blended) to a useless waste of space!

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