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AIBU?

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Original poster

Did he just use me for sex?

121 replies

Pictureperfect10 · 03/05/2022 12:18

A guy who I met on a dating app was constantly messaging me for a month, expressed grandiose ideas about our future together. He also said he had told his whole family about me.

we had a first date and he stayed over - we had sex. I am well versed in the knowledge that they can dip after this and TBH I was wanting sex after a dry spell anyway but as we had been messaging as much I thought there was a chance something more could happen. The next day he said he ‘just wants to be friends’.

I find it hard to believe that this was entirely premeditated from his point of view but my friend said I am being naive and clearly he was just after sex? We messaged a bit since and he said he should have just gone home and not stayed over as ‘did not want it to appear he used me for sex’. I said its fine.

is my friend right? have I been used?

OP posts:
MsFrog · 03/05/2022 12:22

Sorry to say, but it sounds like yes. You should just move on from this man, and tell him next time he wants to just have casual sex he should be up front about it and remember the woman he is future-faking with is a real human person with emotions, and to have some respect for that.

CrumpetStrumpet · 03/05/2022 12:23

Of course he did.

The grandiose texts and love bombing should have been enough to tell you to bin him off. Please brush up on red flags before you try dating again.

He's a dick op.

Midlifemusings · 03/05/2022 12:24

No, you both had sex because you wanted to. You used him for sex in the same way he used you for sex.

PumpkinsandKittens · 03/05/2022 12:24

Of course he did, these threads pop up so often and always the same, chatting ages before meeting, building up a “connection” told family about you, can see a future with you, yet never even met? Woman sleeps with him on first date then wonders why he doesn’t want to see her again? Of course he was just using you for sex and telling you what you wanted to hear, you cant have been that happy with a ONS if you are here posting about it?

Original poster
Pictureperfect10 · 03/05/2022 12:25

MsFrog · 03/05/2022 12:22

Sorry to say, but it sounds like yes. You should just move on from this man, and tell him next time he wants to just have casual sex he should be up front about it and remember the woman he is future-faking with is a real human person with emotions, and to have some respect for that.

Yes I have moved on. No future with this one whatsoever. I kind of knew that the next morning really. It was kinda awkward.

he future faked massively but I am fairly long in the game now - I know to keep my powder dry. If you go home with someone first date the odds are not in your favour that there will be a relationship.

OP posts:
AProperStinging · 03/05/2022 12:26

A guy who I met on a dating app was constantly messaging me for a month, expressed grandiose ideas about our future together. He also said he had told his whole family about me.

Hang on. This was before you'd even met each other?!
**

thestraitofillinois · 03/05/2022 12:26

It isn't a done deal that it was premeditated. There are other scenarios. He might not be over his ex for example. Having sex with you might have triggered emotions in him?

Original poster
Pictureperfect10 · 03/05/2022 12:27

PumpkinsandKittens · 03/05/2022 12:24

Of course he did, these threads pop up so often and always the same, chatting ages before meeting, building up a “connection” told family about you, can see a future with you, yet never even met? Woman sleeps with him on first date then wonders why he doesn’t want to see her again? Of course he was just using you for sex and telling you what you wanted to hear, you cant have been that happy with a ONS if you are here posting about it?

I did not go out of my way to have a one night stand, but looked like it happened that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pictureperfect10 · 03/05/2022 12:28

AProperStinging · 03/05/2022 12:26

A guy who I met on a dating app was constantly messaging me for a month, expressed grandiose ideas about our future together. He also said he had told his whole family about me.

Hang on. This was before you'd even met each other?!
**

Yes! And showed his brother and sister in law my pictures and they said I was beautiful!
I believed every word!
😂

OP posts:
Furrbabymama87 · 03/05/2022 12:29

Something either has put him off or he already knew he didn't want to continue but thought he'd shag you anyway. Not great, but presumably you consented knowing it wasn't a guaranteed relationship.

Original poster
Pictureperfect10 · 03/05/2022 12:29

thestraitofillinois · 03/05/2022 12:26

It isn't a done deal that it was premeditated. There are other scenarios. He might not be over his ex for example. Having sex with you might have triggered emotions in him?

I just find it really hard to believe (I probably dont want to believe) it was entirely premeditated.

however, my friend who was single for 8 years, tells me it was from his side and he ‘used me’.

OP posts:
PumpkinsandKittens · 03/05/2022 12:30

What do you want from posting? You slept with someone on the first date and he changed his mind about seeing you? That’s allowed. You took that risk that it might not amount to anything more, I’m not sure what you are upset about?

PumpkinsandKittens · 03/05/2022 12:31

He only used you if you feel used? If you don’t then learn from it (not to believe everything someone tells you) and move on..

Midlifemusings · 03/05/2022 12:32

When you have sex the first time you meet someone - no one is using anyone. It is a choice and both parties can determinine they don't wish to see each other again. Many first dates don't go anywhere or lead to anything further - sex or no sex. No one is owed anything from a first date or a mutual choice to have sex when they first meet. He owes you nothing. Youowe him nothing. You wanted sex because you were having a dry spell. He wanted sex for his own reason - you mutually agreed to have sex the first time you met. That is mutually and consentually using each other's bodies to get your sexual needs met. That is it.

You could equally have decided after meeting him for the first time that you didn't want to see him again - and it wouldn't mean you used him. Just like him decifing after a first meet that he didn't see a future isn't using you.

Women are adults how make choices.

Original poster
Pictureperfect10 · 03/05/2022 12:32

Furrbabymama87 · 03/05/2022 12:29

Something either has put him off or he already knew he didn't want to continue but thought he'd shag you anyway. Not great, but presumably you consented knowing it wasn't a guaranteed relationship.

Oh 100%
consent, protection etc - that was not the issue

I think I just feel ashamed after a bit of a reality check that my friend pointed out I have been used blatantly.

I suppose I knew it was all a bit much and probably deep down just wanted a glass of wine and a shag myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pictureperfect10 · 03/05/2022 12:34

PumpkinsandKittens · 03/05/2022 12:30

What do you want from posting? You slept with someone on the first date and he changed his mind about seeing you? That’s allowed. You took that risk that it might not amount to anything more, I’m not sure what you are upset about?

I was upset that my friend almost laughed at me like I had been naive and totally ridiculous, that I was clearly taken advantage of and used.

I was like - but I kind of knew that. I do not think she thinks woman can have casual encounters?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 03/05/2022 12:34

You can talk to someone a lot but then when you meet the chemistry is just not there. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was being genuine but in person it didn't work for him.

Original poster
Pictureperfect10 · 03/05/2022 12:36

Midlifemusings · 03/05/2022 12:32

When you have sex the first time you meet someone - no one is using anyone. It is a choice and both parties can determinine they don't wish to see each other again. Many first dates don't go anywhere or lead to anything further - sex or no sex. No one is owed anything from a first date or a mutual choice to have sex when they first meet. He owes you nothing. Youowe him nothing. You wanted sex because you were having a dry spell. He wanted sex for his own reason - you mutually agreed to have sex the first time you met. That is mutually and consentually using each other's bodies to get your sexual needs met. That is it.

You could equally have decided after meeting him for the first time that you didn't want to see him again - and it wouldn't mean you used him. Just like him decifing after a first meet that he didn't see a future isn't using you.

Women are adults how make choices.

This!!!!

i have decided I do not want to see a guy after a few weeks and these men can go crazy!! But when I have a guy do it to me I just shrug it off and wish them well there is something off about that?! Its like I should go crazy, he ‘used me’ and I had no power in the situation?!

i think she is a princess of the patriachy to be honest

OP posts:
Katya213 · 03/05/2022 12:37

you weren’t used. You were two consenting adults, what you both choose to do after is up to the individual.

Furrbabymama87 · 03/05/2022 12:41

Have you posted about this before OP? I remember a very similar thread I commented on not long ago. If it is, you really need to try and put this behind you. I know it's upsetting when you want something from someone and they don't feel the same but there's someone out there who will want you for you, not just sex. That's the risk you take with casual sex. Not that there's anything wrong with it but if you're feelings are at risk then maybe best to avoid until you're more sure of a person. You don't really know this guy, he might have played you, he might not but does it matter?

Original poster
Pictureperfect10 · 03/05/2022 12:44

Katya213 · 03/05/2022 12:37

you weren’t used. You were two consenting adults, what you both choose to do after is up to the individual.

I mean have you ever been in the situation where you meet a really attractive guy… all going well for weeks and you have sex and its horrific. Its just so annoying!!! But no
ones fault. I have also found a guy who just couldnt kiss me?! God love him he kissed like a fish and there was no telling him despite how hard I tried to very gently advise. I think he had learned it from the telly. Theres no hard and fast rules

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 03/05/2022 12:51

There's also the chance that you failed a test by sleeping with him on the first night (disgustingly sexist I know) but I had a friend who told me that her b/f at that time had told her that he wouldn't have went out with her again if she'd slept with him on the first date. Absolute pig

Katya213 · 03/05/2022 12:55

Pictureperfect10 · 03/05/2022 12:44

I mean have you ever been in the situation where you meet a really attractive guy… all going well for weeks and you have sex and its horrific. Its just so annoying!!! But no
ones fault. I have also found a guy who just couldnt kiss me?! God love him he kissed like a fish and there was no telling him despite how hard I tried to very gently advise. I think he had learned it from the telly. Theres no hard and fast rules

Show quote history

No, I haven’t been in that position I’m afraid. Sex isn’t that important to me so it wouldn’t be a deal breaker but I understand that’s not so for most of the population.

Pyewhacket · 03/05/2022 12:58

Midlifemusings · 03/05/2022 12:24

No, you both had sex because you wanted to. You used him for sex in the same way he used you for sex.

Yep, agree with this.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 03/05/2022 13:00

constantly messaging me for a month, expressed grandiose ideas about our future together. He also said he had told his whole family about me

This part would have put me off before even meeting him, waaaay too much!

OP you both got what you wanted out of that night. He may have used you or may have been something that happened on your date that put him off. Either way maybe avoid the ones that are too keen next time