Page 4 | Did he just use me for sex?

Pictureperfect10 · 2022-05-03T11:18:10+00:00

A guy who I met on a dating app was constantly messaging me for a month, expressed grandiose ideas about our future together. He also said he had told his whole family about me. we had a first date and he stayed over - we had sex. I am well versed in the knowledge that they can dip after this and TBH I was wanting sex after a dry spell anyway but as we had been messaging as much I thought there was a chance something more could happen. The next day he said he ‘just wants to be friends’. I find it hard to believe that this was entirely premeditated from his point of view but my friend said I am being naive and clearly he was just after sex? We messaged a bit since and he said he should have just gone home and not stayed over as ‘did not want it to appear he used me for sex’. I said its fine. is my friend right? have I been used?

PurellA87 · 03/05/2022 17:15

A few of my friends have been caught out like this - particularly using Tinder.

Hazelnut32 · 03/05/2022 17:15

Was this the online date who had you video chat his mother while he was on holiday? I feel that I've read this post recently.

Crumbler · 03/05/2022 17:24

As others have posted, you weren't 'used'. You mutually enjoyed a one-time consensual activity.

Harridan1981 · 03/05/2022 17:25

I wouldn't say the OP used him, she was looking for a relationship!

PumpkinsandKittens · 03/05/2022 17:26

Hazelnut32 · 03/05/2022 17:15

Was this the online date who had you video chat his mother while he was on holiday? I feel that I've read this post recently.

Yes is starting to sound the same, she wanted to go to the police about him...

Hazelnut32 · 03/05/2022 17:41

PumpkinsandKittens · 03/05/2022 17:26

Yes is starting to sound the same, she wanted to go to the police about him...

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I remember it, partly because there were so many identifying details given about the guy described - city, nationality, holiday, app used etc. I hope the original thread was deleted for that reason.

MidnightMeltdown · 03/05/2022 18:09

Yes you were used. But then you walked right into it by giving it up on the first date.

However, if you were wanting the sex anyway, then does it matter if you were 'used'?

It only matters if you're upset about it, and if you're upset about it, then you need to behave differently next time

You had sex with someone that you barely new, and that weren't in a relationship with, so it should have been obvious that there was a high chance that this would happen. Men don't think in the same way as women.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/05/2022 09:57

"Giving it up" ffs

Hazelnut32 · 04/05/2022 16:21

Maybe this is something OP should discuss with a therapist? Both believing so much from a stranger prior to meeting (poor boundaries) and the wildly different takes on it (if the same OP as the last thread) where the perspective shifted every few pages.

AchatAVendre · 04/05/2022 16:45

MidnightMeltdown · 03/05/2022 18:09

Yes you were used. But then you walked right into it by giving it up on the first date.

However, if you were wanting the sex anyway, then does it matter if you were 'used'?

It only matters if you're upset about it, and if you're upset about it, then you need to behave differently next time

You had sex with someone that you barely new, and that weren't in a relationship with, so it should have been obvious that there was a high chance that this would happen. Men don't think in the same way as women.

She did know him though. She had a lot of communication with him for a month prior. Thats the modern way of doing it. A lot of relationships start that way.

I think she was groomed, I think this man knew exactly what he was doing in order to make a woman who responded in a certain way to his messages have sex with him quickly. Its the usual story - the man knows that the woman won't have sex with him unless he pretends to be interested in a relationship, then as soon as he gets sex, he backs off and pretends he was never that interested. Its quite deceitful and can be repeated, as some of these men just want a reliable source of casual sex. Unfortunately, thats often based on an extension of the original deceit - the woman grows fond of him the more she sees him and the man is ambiguous enough to make her think there is a chance of a relationship.

Theres no surefire way to avoid this.

Knittingchamp · 04/05/2022 16:47

You haven't been used OP, you both had an enjoyable night (I hope he was decent in bed and hey, you were in the mood so it's all good). Saying you were used will make you feel as if you did something to be a bit ashamed of, and there's zero to feel bad about or feel ashamed about.

He was an asshole though, as clearly he laid it on thick to increase his chances of a night of passion for the month before. That means he has a weak character, poor self esteem and a casual relationship with the truth, all of which makes him a terrible choice for a long term thing, so it's ultimately a good thing you left it at the one night! You're too good for him, basically.

He will, I reckon, definitely try to shag you again in the future, though.

Knittingchamp · 04/05/2022 16:50

MidnightMeltdown · 03/05/2022 18:09

Yes you were used. But then you walked right into it by giving it up on the first date.

However, if you were wanting the sex anyway, then does it matter if you were 'used'?

It only matters if you're upset about it, and if you're upset about it, then you need to behave differently next time

You had sex with someone that you barely new, and that weren't in a relationship with, so it should have been obvious that there was a high chance that this would happen. Men don't think in the same way as women.

Oh my God is it 1950? I've met plenty of men who fell in love or infatuation after a one night stand and vice versa.

And enough of the 'giving it up' talk. Give what up? She had sex, as adults do, end of story. Nobody on the planet would say that to a man, because nobody judges men for having sex quickly - and they shouldn't judge women, either.

PumpkinsandKittens · 04/05/2022 16:53

Knittingchamp · 04/05/2022 16:50

Oh my God is it 1950? I've met plenty of men who fell in love or infatuation after a one night stand and vice versa.

And enough of the 'giving it up' talk. Give what up? She had sex, as adults do, end of story. Nobody on the planet would say that to a man, because nobody judges men for having sex quickly - and they shouldn't judge women, either.

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But men and women do clearly feel different about it hence why a woman is on here upset at being “used” like the many threads I’ve read on here, I doubt a man ever posts online upset about a woman only wanting sex 🥴 they would just be happy they got to have sex!

AchatAVendre · 04/05/2022 16:56

Knittingchamp · 04/05/2022 16:47

You haven't been used OP, you both had an enjoyable night (I hope he was decent in bed and hey, you were in the mood so it's all good). Saying you were used will make you feel as if you did something to be a bit ashamed of, and there's zero to feel bad about or feel ashamed about.

He was an asshole though, as clearly he laid it on thick to increase his chances of a night of passion for the month before. That means he has a weak character, poor self esteem and a casual relationship with the truth, all of which makes him a terrible choice for a long term thing, so it's ultimately a good thing you left it at the one night! You're too good for him, basically.

He will, I reckon, definitely try to shag you again in the future, though.

Oh yes, he will for sure try again. Thats what all this talk of "being friends" is for. He wants to keep you in a holding pattern in case he's horny and needs an option.

newbiename · 04/05/2022 17:02

Midlifemusings · 03/05/2022 12:24

No, you both had sex because you wanted to. You used him for sex in the same way he used you for sex.

You're right but I think he made out it was going to be more.

Delatron · 04/05/2022 17:03

I agree that you were both consenting adults so you ‘used’ him as much as vice verse.

i don’t understand why you weren’t put put off with all the future shit and telling his parents about you when you hadn’t even met him? That would have sent me running a mile...

LemonDrizzleSlice · 04/05/2022 17:05

Actually, there are two things going on here:

You had sex the first time you met him.

He met you for the first time, on the night you had sex.

It's quite possible that he just wasn't feeling it with you when he met you, but was happy to have sex. As you were. But somehow he is TERRIBLE USER, or something?!

AchatAVendre · 04/05/2022 17:08

Delatron · 04/05/2022 17:03

I agree that you were both consenting adults so you ‘used’ him as much as vice verse.

i don’t understand why you weren’t put put off with all the future shit and telling his parents about you when you hadn’t even met him? That would have sent me running a mile...

Suspect he found someone who didn't run away as soon as he started all that schtick and part of it is a test to see who will put up with it because its probably a good pre-indicator of how they will proceed. A test of slight gullibility if you like. A lot of women can be very innocent and trusting.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/05/2022 17:09

constantly messaging me for a month, expressed grandiose ideas about our future together. He also said he had told his whole family about me

OP gently if this didn't stop you speaking to him, I wonder if you're in the right headspace to be dating? It's brutal out there and to have enjoyed someone saying this stuff rather than seeing it as a massive red flag, future faking, love bombing, false intimacy etc is worrying.

Hazelnut32 · 04/05/2022 17:20

AchatAVendre · 04/05/2022 16:45

She did know him though. She had a lot of communication with him for a month prior. Thats the modern way of doing it. A lot of relationships start that way.

I think she was groomed, I think this man knew exactly what he was doing in order to make a woman who responded in a certain way to his messages have sex with him quickly. Its the usual story - the man knows that the woman won't have sex with him unless he pretends to be interested in a relationship, then as soon as he gets sex, he backs off and pretends he was never that interested. Its quite deceitful and can be repeated, as some of these men just want a reliable source of casual sex. Unfortunately, thats often based on an extension of the original deceit - the woman grows fond of him the more she sees him and the man is ambiguous enough to make her think there is a chance of a relationship.

Theres no surefire way to avoid this.

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Talking to someone online before meeting isn't knowing them at all. People can say anything. This is how people end up being scammed in general.

It's important for people to learn to be less gullible.

AchatAVendre · 04/05/2022 17:26

Hazelnut32 · 04/05/2022 17:20

Talking to someone online before meeting isn't knowing them at all. People can say anything. This is how people end up being scammed in general.

It's important for people to learn to be less gullible.

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I don't know, I think innocence is quite a worthwhile quality and all too easily lost.

Some people are extremely skilful liars and manipulators. They are really really good, and they know how to pick their targets. Meeting someone or knowing someone well really isn't a way to protect against this. Some types are well known for keeping people as contacts for years before trying to scam them, and then its even harder for the subject of the scam/whatever to understand what has actually happened to them.

Hazelnut32 · 04/05/2022 17:32

AchatAVendre · 04/05/2022 17:26

I don't know, I think innocence is quite a worthwhile quality and all too easily lost.

Some people are extremely skilful liars and manipulators. They are really really good, and they know how to pick their targets. Meeting someone or knowing someone well really isn't a way to protect against this. Some types are well known for keeping people as contacts for years before trying to scam them, and then its even harder for the subject of the scam/whatever to understand what has actually happened to them.

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I think if a person does not spot massive red flags (a complete stranger telling family about them) they're not ready to be dating in general.

I don't support the comment about innocence either. We live in reality, not utopia. Trust people who gradually prove they can be trusted.

If it wasn't this opportunist (presuming he planned it rather than just changing his mind) it would be another. The world is full of them. Learn to spot them and protect your boundaries.

Delatron · 04/05/2022 17:55

Online dating must be hard. But you don’t know someone online. And it takes a long time to get to know people in real life.

That’s not to say don’t shag on the first date if you fancy it but do it with your eyes open.

I don’t think ‘innocence’ helps at all in the dating world. You need to have your wits about you.

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 04/05/2022 20:22

He sounds like an idiot even without the ghosting
When he was waxing lyrical about your future and how wonderful his family thought you were (Wtaf) didn't you ask him at any point what was wrong with him and why he thought that was normal?

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 20:48

Eh this almost exact scenario happened to my friend this weekend - very similar almost scary 😂😂 if he is based in Birmingham PM me

she is very very smart and usually never gets caught out by these guys