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AIBU?

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Original poster

Did he just use me for sex?

121 replies

Pictureperfect10 · 03/05/2022 12:18

A guy who I met on a dating app was constantly messaging me for a month, expressed grandiose ideas about our future together. He also said he had told his whole family about me.

we had a first date and he stayed over - we had sex. I am well versed in the knowledge that they can dip after this and TBH I was wanting sex after a dry spell anyway but as we had been messaging as much I thought there was a chance something more could happen. The next day he said he ‘just wants to be friends’.

I find it hard to believe that this was entirely premeditated from his point of view but my friend said I am being naive and clearly he was just after sex? We messaged a bit since and he said he should have just gone home and not stayed over as ‘did not want it to appear he used me for sex’. I said its fine.

is my friend right? have I been used?

OP posts:
cravingthelook · 03/05/2022 14:42

Or the sex wasn't as he expected it to go and didn't want to pursue further.
I have previously liked someone but after finding I wasn't sexually compatible changed my mind.

I'd be more bothered by the love bombing tbh. Especially prior to dates.

As you say you also wanted sex, so just chalk this one up and move along.

FrancescaContini · 03/05/2022 14:43

You both chose to do it, didn’t you?

Suprima · 03/05/2022 14:48

Pictureperfect10 · 03/05/2022 12:36

This!!!!

i have decided I do not want to see a guy after a few weeks and these men can go crazy!! But when I have a guy do it to me I just shrug it off and wish them well there is something off about that?! Its like I should go crazy, he ‘used me’ and I had no power in the situation?!

i think she is a princess of the patriachy to be honest

Show quote history

I think you are the real princess of the patriarchy if you believed or were flattered by the obvious future faking nonsense of someone you don’t even know.

I have had some lovely flings and FWBs- with men I know well, feel safe with and selectively select for their looks/physique.

You may have enjoyed the sex- but you were definitely ‘used’ from his POV. He’ll be onto the next with the next woman who is flattered by his easy words. Casual encounters can be extremely risky and your foreplay was alcohol and blatant lies from him. I’m certainly not getting sexy liberated goddess vibes from your post.

allsorts1 · 03/05/2022 14:59

I really don’t think it’s helpful for your mental health to take such a victim stance that you are passive, and he’s the active participant, “using” you. You were texting a lot and then you wanted to have sex with him too. There are heaps of reasons he just wants to be friends now. If he was so hell bent on “using” you - surely he could get a few more sessions in before calling it quits? You’re BOTH active in this, you BOTH wanted to have sex. How can he use you for something you wanted? You’re not an inanimate object or a sex you to be used, you’re a human woman who makes her own decisions.

allsorts1 · 03/05/2022 15:01

Sex toy**

I think your friend needs to address her own internalised misogyny.

AchatAVendre · 03/05/2022 15:02

Ah, the old "just wants to be friends" shtick after, remarkably, managing to have sex with a woman he just wants to be friends with. I don't think this guy was ever looking for a relationship. It might be that he struggles to find women to have casual sex with him so is aware he has to future fake and lie to get it.

I don't think this was a ONS though. I would classify a ONS as sex with a stranger with no promise of any kind of relationship beforehand. You had a guy who future faked quite clearly and also had contact with him for a month before. Although it was all online and you didn't meet him, he wasn't a stranger in the true sense because you had already exchanged quite a lot of personal information.

The guy lied to you in order to get sex. Of course theres no guarantee that anyone will stick around but I wouldn't go too far down the rabbithole of "the sex wasn't good enough" thing (first time sex with a new partner is usually awkward and full of mistakes anyway and most adults know this) but if you wouldn't have had sex with him without the future faking, then, yes, he deceived you.

As I say, the guy is probably all too well aware that most women won't have sex with him if he doesn't do this and he probably does need to go to all this effort to get somebody to have sex with him. Its very difficult to avoid men like this unless you become unusually defensive because most people tend to assume that someone is telling the truth. I mean, its not like we all meet our partners at the local dance hall any more and can check them out with our parents' friends first, is it?

PumpkinsandKittens · 03/05/2022 15:02

Friends? the op will never hear from this guy again

Squillerman · 03/05/2022 15:06

He was actually pretty creepy before you met tbh so I’d say you’ve had a lucky escape. He should just have been honest about his intentions but I suppose he has more success with women this way, it worked with you so probably works with others too.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/05/2022 15:06

I dont think you were 'used' for sex as that implies you had sex because you wanted a relationship, not because you wanted sex, and you didnt get anything out of it.

I do think he misled you though if he was love bombing you before this meeting however that would have raised red flags with me. However everyone is entitled to change their mind and there is a chance he could have been genuine about his feelings prior to that point but just wasn't feeling it any longer after the weekend. And he hasn't blocked and deleted you straight away or anything

LemonDrizzleSlice · 03/05/2022 15:09

Maybe he lost respect for you because you slept with him the first time you met him.

I'm not saying that's right, or decent, but it does happen.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 03/05/2022 15:12

Don't underestimate what some fella's will do for a shag. Including but not exclusive to, telling you what you want to hear.

Rosehugger · 03/05/2022 15:15

YANBU- crap of him to be so OTT about things before meeting you. All reflects badly on him, not you.

Also - it seems a lot of effort for a single shag, doesn't it? Who could be bothered with all that crap.

D0lphine · 03/05/2022 15:24

All you can do is Lear from this -

Meet people quickly, don't be messaging for ages and ages.

Don't sleep with people on the first date unless you're fully ok with that being it - just a shag.

Look out for red flags like love bombing etc.

AchatAVendre · 03/05/2022 15:26

Rosehugger · 03/05/2022 15:15

YANBU- crap of him to be so OTT about things before meeting you. All reflects badly on him, not you.

Also - it seems a lot of effort for a single shag, doesn't it? Who could be bothered with all that crap.

Well, can you imagine if he contacted women and instead said

"I'm only after a single night. I don't do relationships, I prefer to go from woman to woman, chatting them along for a month or so making them trust me and then boom! After the sex I just tell them I want to be friends, so I don't have to be burdened with a relationship I'm not ready for and maybe expectations of behaving in a certain way and doing certain things".

How many women would sleep with him then? I bet he cuts and pastes half the stuff anyway so he doesn't have to write it all out again.

I agree that actual physical dates are a better choice if you don't want this to happen, but it still happens all the time even then.

InstaHun88 · 03/05/2022 15:52

It's important not to spend so long messaging someone. You have wasted a month of your life (and time you could have dated someone else) on this dick. In my Tinder days, I never messaged anyone for more than 2-3 days and asked for a drink or coffee straight away. It helped me weed out the weirdos and chancers straight away. It also means that if you sleep with them and they disappear, you had a fun night, no hopes were crushed and you move on quickly.

I had a few one night stands. Some of them turned into more, including my current relationship (5 years on!). But I never had any expectations if more, I did it for the fun and the company.

Staynow · 03/05/2022 16:30

Saying he's told his family all about you when he hasn't even met you is a big red flag to me. Men will say anything to get you into bed and i think you have every right to feel used when you were strongly given the impression that this was going to go somewhere. You might be naive OP but at least you're not as naive as the pp suggesting that you 'might have triggered emotions' in him.

knittingaddict · 03/05/2022 16:32

Furrbabymama87 · 03/05/2022 12:41

Have you posted about this before OP? I remember a very similar thread I commented on not long ago. If it is, you really need to try and put this behind you. I know it's upsetting when you want something from someone and they don't feel the same but there's someone out there who will want you for you, not just sex. That's the risk you take with casual sex. Not that there's anything wrong with it but if you're feelings are at risk then maybe best to avoid until you're more sure of a person. You don't really know this guy, he might have played you, he might not but does it matter?

I thought the same thing. Very recently - the last few weeks.

buzzy06 · 03/05/2022 16:34

He could've just said he's not looking for anything serious without being a dick. There's plenty of women who want the same who don't have to be manipulated into it under the premise that the bloke wants more. Or could've suggested an FWB arrangement.

This isn't even me, and I'm annoyed reading this. Men who do this whole lovebombing, fake relationship nonsense are awful.

WDTABNONONO · 03/05/2022 16:39

He could've premeditated it bu equally he met not have felt there was sexual chemistry when you did have sex.

D0lphine · 03/05/2022 16:39

InstaHun88 · 03/05/2022 15:52

It's important not to spend so long messaging someone. You have wasted a month of your life (and time you could have dated someone else) on this dick. In my Tinder days, I never messaged anyone for more than 2-3 days and asked for a drink or coffee straight away. It helped me weed out the weirdos and chancers straight away. It also means that if you sleep with them and they disappear, you had a fun night, no hopes were crushed and you move on quickly.

I had a few one night stands. Some of them turned into more, including my current relationship (5 years on!). But I never had any expectations if more, I did it for the fun and the company.

Seems to be a healthy outlook.

WDTABNONONO · 03/05/2022 16:41

I was upset that my friend almost laughed at me like I had been naive and totally ridiculous, that I was clearly taken advantage of and used.

This is a friend problem. You were only used if you felt you were and you're allowed a shag on date 1 or100 - you need to get less judgmental friends.

PurellA87 · 03/05/2022 17:01

You just made the judgement call you felt was right with the data presented to you at that point.
It is hard to tell what he was thinking really, but an expierence to grow and learn from nonetheless. I do not think it makes any difference having sex 1 or 100 dates - same thing can happen. Look at the many posters who get blindsided by cheating husbands or wives, surely they never thought they would be decieved or used. Part of life. Your friend is probably just looking out for you and it is good to have different points of view. If he lied to you about his intentions, had sex and then said he wanted to be friends - he was a dick anyway. Sounds like you are on good terms if he messaged - I have had female friends ghosted entirely after these kind of situations and ‘unmatched’. Which is horrific.

PurellA87 · 03/05/2022 17:03

InstaHun88 · 03/05/2022 15:52

It's important not to spend so long messaging someone. You have wasted a month of your life (and time you could have dated someone else) on this dick. In my Tinder days, I never messaged anyone for more than 2-3 days and asked for a drink or coffee straight away. It helped me weed out the weirdos and chancers straight away. It also means that if you sleep with them and they disappear, you had a fun night, no hopes were crushed and you move on quickly.

I had a few one night stands. Some of them turned into more, including my current relationship (5 years on!). But I never had any expectations if more, I did it for the fun and the company.

This is how I do it. I do not think it makes much difference waiting to have sex. Best relationships I have had has been sex early on.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/05/2022 17:06

I mean have you ever been in the situation where you meet a really attractive guy… all going well for weeks and you have sex and its horrific. Its just so annoying

But surely you hadn't met him until that first date - and how could he have "future faked" someone he'd not yet even met? Confused

FinallyHere · 03/05/2022 17:08

expressed grandiose ideas about our future together. He also said he had told his whole family about me.

I'm sorry, but I think the clue would be that this cannot possibly really be serious. Either he is future faking to get you into bed or he is some kind of fantasist.

Whatever the reason, vanishingly few relationships go from nought to 60mph in a few days, sex on the first date and then happy ever after.

Much better chance if you use the early days in a relationship to find out more about them, what makes them tick. Build up the trust between you and see how they respond to different situations. See how they respond to your saying no to something relatively trivial. Good luck