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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did he just use me for sex?

121 replies

Pictureperfect10 · 03/05/2022 12:18

A guy who I met on a dating app was constantly messaging me for a month, expressed grandiose ideas about our future together. He also said he had told his whole family about me.

we had a first date and he stayed over - we had sex. I am well versed in the knowledge that they can dip after this and TBH I was wanting sex after a dry spell anyway but as we had been messaging as much I thought there was a chance something more could happen. The next day he said he ‘just wants to be friends’.

I find it hard to believe that this was entirely premeditated from his point of view but my friend said I am being naive and clearly he was just after sex? We messaged a bit since and he said he should have just gone home and not stayed over as ‘did not want it to appear he used me for sex’. I said its fine.

is my friend right? have I been used?

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 03/05/2022 13:01

Even if he hadn't dumped you, you should run away as he sound unhinged.

prettyteapotsplease · 03/05/2022 13:04

I'm sure your instincts are correct. However, you used him too after a dry spell so it sounds mutual. The love bombing sounds typical too. Forget him and start afresh with someone new.

Charley50 · 03/05/2022 13:05

Maybe the chemistry just wasn't there for him.

JustLyra · 03/05/2022 13:17

He may have used you. He might not have, you’ll never know really. As long as you are ok it doesn’t matter really.

Fwiw before I married DH I met a guy who sounded similar - really full on - and I got carried away with it all. The sex was a massive let down and I called it off. He felt used, but it wasn’t intentional, it just really didn’t work for me at all.

ExtraordinaryBehaviour · 03/05/2022 13:19

I think you are being harsh on your friend. You seemed to think this was the start of a relationship and don't like the idea this was planned by him. I agree with your friend, if someone I'd never met was love bombing me with talk about the future and telling his family about me I'd immediately be seeing red flags.

Thats not to say there is anything wrong with ONS. There isn't at all but both people need to go in with their eyes open.

Sunshineandflipflops · 03/05/2022 13:21

This sort of this happened to me when I first started OLD after my marriage break up. A guy started sending me messages on the dating app I was on, very complimentary, etc. I didn't really find him attractive but he persisted and I agreed to go an a date with him.

Date was fine so agreed to another one and we ended up sleeping together at the end of the night (it had been a while and to be honest i wanted the last person I had sex with to not be my cheating husband). He left later on and then it became clear that he started ghosting me (first time I had come across this phrase). Once I realised, I left him to it but it did sting a bit, even though I wasn't even that crazy about him.

Looking back, I was quite naïve and not in the best place self esteem wise either but I certainly learned a lesson about love bombing and ghosting all in one!

He may have felt the chemistry just wasn't quite there in person and it may have taken sex for him to realise this. It's harsh but it happens.

Rubyroseyposey · 03/05/2022 13:21

I really hate how they double down and try to hook women with nonsense rather than being straight to the point. He was love bombing to get sex and belongs in the man bin. Any man online who is overly complimentary, mentions long term commitment and is in constant contact needs to be blocked.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 03/05/2022 13:22

Well he’s a charmer with all the bs messages. He’s obviously well practised with the charm. Block delete and move on. Sorry you’ve had to be treated like this .💐

AProperStinging · 03/05/2022 13:24

Yes! And showed his brother and sister in law my pictures and they said I was beautiful!
I believed every word!
😂

this is worrying. Nothing wrong with having sex on the first date if you want to, but come on... how could you possibly believe this nonsense when you had never even met each other?

You need to be a bit more savvy if you're going to do this dating thing.

balalake · 03/05/2022 13:24

I think most likely you have been used just for sex, or that he did not find you as good as he'd hoped. Either way just block.

Eelicks · 03/05/2022 13:28

It sounds like the future faking meant you then felt comfortable inviting him into your home and having sex with him the first time you met thinking a relationship was on the cards. He almost certainly lied about all the stuff in messages to get you into bed (men like that are often messaging multiple women to see who will bite). That might be why you feel uneasy, you were being honest with him and he was lying to you. There's no shame in it but be very wary with guys that come on too strong and remember you don't owe these guys anything. If they like you and are genuine they won't be put off by waiting for sex

Womanface · 03/05/2022 13:28

Didn’t you see the insincerity when he was telling you about his family? That would have stopped me even meeting him tbh.

Men are very often assholes but some common sense would really prevent a lot of hurt - I know this is not the case here OP but we need to stop taking men at face value and use some critical thinking.

next time, just don’t get into a convoluted chat without meeting up and definitely don’t get emotionally invested before you’ve met. It’s a total waste of your very precious time. My husband and I met online and we sent about three messages each before we met up. There are nice guys out there - don’t get snarled up with the users

Getoff · 03/05/2022 13:28

I don't think it's necessarily as simple as he intended to be deceptive. It could be more like his sex drive was driving him nuts and colouring his feelings and perceptions and imagination. He was drunk with lust, and sobered up instantly when he came.

Add on to that the usual dating thing of someone you haven't met yet being your ideal partner, because your brain is projecting your ideal person onto the available information. It's quite normal to feel differently once you actually meet.

He may be silly, rather than malicious.

Getoff · 03/05/2022 13:31

I think if you like someone, you need to meet them almost immediately. If reality is going to override fantasy, it costs you less the sooner it happens.

Marvellousmadness · 03/05/2022 13:35

He didn't "use" you.
You let yourself be used if anything

Don't be so naive next time op have some common sense

weightedblanketofshame · 03/05/2022 13:40

Eelicks · 03/05/2022 13:28

It sounds like the future faking meant you then felt comfortable inviting him into your home and having sex with him the first time you met thinking a relationship was on the cards. He almost certainly lied about all the stuff in messages to get you into bed (men like that are often messaging multiple women to see who will bite). That might be why you feel uneasy, you were being honest with him and he was lying to you. There's no shame in it but be very wary with guys that come on too strong and remember you don't owe these guys anything. If they like you and are genuine they won't be put off by waiting for sex

Exactly this. I think a bit more sympathy for OP wouldn't hurt. A lot of us have been in the same position and it's usually through experience that people realise to be a bit more wary of people who behave like that.

GrumpyTerrier · 03/05/2022 13:55

I've had this. Future faking, emotions, showed me his home and childhood school, holding hands-- everything to suggest he was into me. And then after sex, ghost. It was even more annoying because until he showed this extra interest, I was perfectly happy to have a fwb arrangement. He didn't need to trick me into believing he had feelings. It hurt for a while but now I don't care particularly.

sammylady37 · 03/05/2022 14:01

You say you’re ‘fairly long in the game’ but yet you seem to have not only missed the red flags but taken them as positive indicators. You really need to wise up, for your own sake

MarilynValentine · 03/05/2022 14:04

Anyone who rhapsodises about your shared future before you’ve even met is lying, OP. Come on now!

MiniTheMinx · 03/05/2022 14:05

In my opinion some men see future faking as a game. These men love nothing better than pulling the wool over the eyes of the naive. It's a challenge to see if they can charm a nice, proper, lady like women into dropping her drawers. These men are not honest or upfront about their intentions for two reasons. 1) they don't see liberated free women who want sex as a challenge, and their misogyny disallows them from gaining anything to their ego. 2) the naive woman will be hurt and massage his ego, he may even be able to go back, whilst the free, willing and equal will tell him "nah, it's OK mate, the sex was a bit shit" It's really not difficult to spot these men.

In my experience its better not to tell any potential date you are looking for a relationship. You don't have to say you are looking for no strings either. A relationship isn't found by looking, a relationship happens when you chance upon someone you just keep seeing.....and then realise they just aren't going anywhere!!

gamerchick · 03/05/2022 14:12

Midlifemusings · 03/05/2022 12:24

No, you both had sex because you wanted to. You used him for sex in the same way he used you for sex.

This. Blew the cobwebs away.

The way he went about it would really irritate me though. A 'yes I agree, I definitely wouldn't want a relationship with you' would have been sent back.

Rubyroseyposey · 03/05/2022 14:19

MiniTheMinx · 03/05/2022 14:05

In my opinion some men see future faking as a game. These men love nothing better than pulling the wool over the eyes of the naive. It's a challenge to see if they can charm a nice, proper, lady like women into dropping her drawers. These men are not honest or upfront about their intentions for two reasons. 1) they don't see liberated free women who want sex as a challenge, and their misogyny disallows them from gaining anything to their ego. 2) the naive woman will be hurt and massage his ego, he may even be able to go back, whilst the free, willing and equal will tell him "nah, it's OK mate, the sex was a bit shit" It's really not difficult to spot these men.

In my experience its better not to tell any potential date you are looking for a relationship. You don't have to say you are looking for no strings either. A relationship isn't found by looking, a relationship happens when you chance upon someone you just keep seeing.....and then realise they just aren't going anywhere!!

Nailed it.

Eelicks · 03/05/2022 14:24

weightedblanketofshame · 03/05/2022 13:40

Exactly this. I think a bit more sympathy for OP wouldn't hurt. A lot of us have been in the same position and it's usually through experience that people realise to be a bit more wary of people who behave like that.

Show quote history

Absolutely it comes from experience and sorry if it sounded unsympathetic- it's only because I think we've all been there!

i had one where the guy talked his way into my house after a first date then tried to pressure me into sex. He wasn't taking no for an answer and at one point tried to drag me upstairs. It was absolutely terrifying, managed to push him out and lock the door eventually but after that there was no way any guy was coming back to my house unless it was a proper relationship (not that they still couldnt do something but less risk). You don't know these guys from Adam and they can say anything

Iamnotamermaid · 03/05/2022 14:38

Basically you had a long & convoluted build up to a one night stand after which you had, understandably considering the amount of time invested in messaging him, expectations of something more.

He had zero expectations and has now backed off. He will now be telling the next one everything they want to hear in order to shag them. @ repeat...

Regularsizedrudy · 03/05/2022 14:42

thestraitofillinois · 03/05/2022 12:26

It isn't a done deal that it was premeditated. There are other scenarios. He might not be over his ex for example. Having sex with you might have triggered emotions in him?

Lol yeah sure