Page 5 | Did he just use me for sex?

Pictureperfect10 · 2022-05-03T11:18:10+00:00

A guy who I met on a dating app was constantly messaging me for a month, expressed grandiose ideas about our future together. He also said he had told his whole family about me. we had a first date and he stayed over - we had sex. I am well versed in the knowledge that they can dip after this and TBH I was wanting sex after a dry spell anyway but as we had been messaging as much I thought there was a chance something more could happen. The next day he said he ‘just wants to be friends’. I find it hard to believe that this was entirely premeditated from his point of view but my friend said I am being naive and clearly he was just after sex? We messaged a bit since and he said he should have just gone home and not stayed over as ‘did not want it to appear he used me for sex’. I said its fine. is my friend right? have I been used?

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 20:49

Delatron · 04/05/2022 17:55

Online dating must be hard. But you don’t know someone online. And it takes a long time to get to know people in real life.

That’s not to say don’t shag on the first date if you fancy it but do it with your eyes open.

I don’t think ‘innocence’ helps at all in the dating world. You need to have your wits about you.

I have been caught out by friends and guy I have known for 10 + years, my friend was caught out by a friend and boyfriend cheating behind her back she had know them since school. I have no idea how people trust people they have known for 4 hours!!

Amazonalexa · 04/05/2022 20:51

Hazelnut32 · 04/05/2022 16:21

Maybe this is something OP should discuss with a therapist? Both believing so much from a stranger prior to meeting (poor boundaries) and the wildly different takes on it (if the same OP as the last thread) where the perspective shifted every few pages.

Agree -
op get the therapy and take on board these responses 💐💐💐

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 09:19

A couple of years ago I met a guy on a dating app. We went for a date on the Sunday and he was keen to meet again, he took me for dinner on the Tuesday and was keen to meet again on the Thursday. When we met at the weekend after (our 4th date in a week) he told me ‘I had my own ringtone’ (LOL circa Nokia 3310 2001) and I could meet his family sometime when we go on holiday together whilst we were kissing. At this point I knew clearly something was off, was already suspecting it with the multiple dates so close together - my stomach flipped. I dumped him by text, much to his disbelief. I later found out through others he was a psycho with emotional issues and abused woman. He did the same job as me but in a different place of work - so we had friends in common.

So this pattern is very common and you will recognise it next time. If it seems too good to be true it probably is. It sounds like although you did have sex he was definately setting the scene in his mind that sex would be on the cards if he told you everything he did. Manipulative from his point of view yes, but it works and it worked this time and works on woman until this happens to them and they realise.

The only reason I knew this guy was love bombing, future faking and ultimately his agenda was to use me was because of my own personal and close friends expierences - so really I do not think there is any way to avoid it except expierence and gaining feedback. If you had wanted something casual you probably would have said No (the guy I mentioned above would never be able to get casual sex without all the wining and dining either - they know that). The good thing is you found out fairly promptly with the whole ‘we can be friends’ - which is code for ‘f**k zoned’ and hopefully you have not entertained it. Some people (both men and woman) have their time wasted by these users for 12 months and more - so thank your lucky stars there was something a miss here and he either unconsiously or consiously knew you were far too good for him.

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/05/2022 09:48

It's kind of irrelevant whether it was premeditated or not.

The point is he has demonstrated to you through his behaviour both before and after you slept together that he lacks the emotional courage and self-restraint to be a good partner.

Whether he deliberately set out to be a dick or whether he accidentally became a dick, the bottom line is that he is a dick and not worthy of any more of your time or consideration.

VelociraptortheClown · 05/05/2022 10:10

It sounds more like he had built up an idea of you from the dating app that the reality didn't match. So when he met you, (in his eyes) you weren't good enough as a girlfriend, but he may as well shag you as you were there and willing. Then he felt a bit guilty afterwards because of how it would look to others.

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 10:13

VelociraptortheClown · 05/05/2022 10:10

It sounds more like he had built up an idea of you from the dating app that the reality didn't match. So when he met you, (in his eyes) you weren't good enough as a girlfriend, but he may as well shag you as you were there and willing. Then he felt a bit guilty afterwards because of how it would look to others.

it could be this
it could be premeditated

you will never know and seeking outward validation from friends and making multiple posts giving various angles about the situation will not give you the clear answer.

move on 💐

OlympicProcrastinator · 05/05/2022 10:28

I work with guys at work. Sadly, I’ve heard them say a few times, “I really liked her but she let me bang her on the first date so I binned her off”

Sad but true. You’ve probably had a lucky escape.,

Rubyroseyposey · 05/05/2022 10:37

OlympicProcrastinator · 05/05/2022 10:28

I work with guys at work. Sadly, I’ve heard them say a few times, “I really liked her but she let me bang her on the first date so I binned her off”

Sad but true. You’ve probably had a lucky escape.,

Misogynistic little shits. Does it not occur to them that women can enthusiastically consent for their own benefit 🙄

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 10:39

OlympicProcrastinator · 05/05/2022 10:28

I work with guys at work. Sadly, I’ve heard them say a few times, “I really liked her but she let me bang her on the first date so I binned her off”

Sad but true. You’ve probably had a lucky escape.,

Yep. Happens often but usually does not change the outcome of them being a dick in the long run

PumpkinsandKittens · 05/05/2022 10:39

OlympicProcrastinator · 05/05/2022 10:28

I work with guys at work. Sadly, I’ve heard them say a few times, “I really liked her but she let me bang her on the first date so I binned her off”

Sad but true. You’ve probably had a lucky escape.,

Yep I’ve heard this as well, people don’t believe men think this way but trust me,
loads do!

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 10:44

Rubyroseyposey · 05/05/2022 10:37

Misogynistic little shits. Does it not occur to them that women can enthusiastically consent for their own benefit 🙄

Show quote history

Yes but I think the reason why the poster has been asking about this and seeking validation is because she felt it could go further - deep down, given the effort he put in before the date. And she is upset that he did not want to see her again - deep down.

Suprima · 05/05/2022 10:48

Rubyroseyposey · 05/05/2022 10:37

Misogynistic little shits. Does it not occur to them that women can enthusiastically consent for their own benefit 🙄

Show quote history

Of course they do, and they are grateful they do, and they’ll enjoy them for night because there is no safety risk to them. Nor do men worry about STIs and unplanned pregnancies as much as they should.

The scales really aren’t balanced in dating and it’s doing us all a disservice to pretend they are.

Men who tried to shag me on the first date got binned off here- as that’s not the man I’m looking for long term. I wanted romance, the slow burn. However, if the average man couldn’t choke me to death during sex or murder me or accidentally get me sent down the Marie Stopes clinic- I’d probably shag them first before binning them off if I thought they were fit enough and I had a couple of cocktails in me.

The vast majority of men don’t respect women and will use and use and use to varying degrees- be that for sex, or to entice a woman to be their live-in admin person and cleaner and cook.

I love sex. Love it. No Victorian attitudes here- but the thought of one of these water cooler ‘oh I binned her off’ wankers ejaculating into me definitely informs why I don’t have sex for a few months of properly dating someone.

Suprima · 05/05/2022 10:50

And the posters here who thought him texting for a month means that they knew each other….oh dear.

texting is lazy. I bet he was initiating these deep chats on the loo.

therapy is needed, not tinder.

Rubyroseyposey · 05/05/2022 10:59

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 10:44

Yes but I think the reason why the poster has been asking about this and seeking validation is because she felt it could go further - deep down, given the effort he put in before the date. And she is upset that he did not want to see her again - deep down.

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Yes I agree with that in this case tbf. Sounds like she was sucked in by a tosser.

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 11:45

Suprima · 05/05/2022 10:48

Of course they do, and they are grateful they do, and they’ll enjoy them for night because there is no safety risk to them. Nor do men worry about STIs and unplanned pregnancies as much as they should.

The scales really aren’t balanced in dating and it’s doing us all a disservice to pretend they are.

Men who tried to shag me on the first date got binned off here- as that’s not the man I’m looking for long term. I wanted romance, the slow burn. However, if the average man couldn’t choke me to death during sex or murder me or accidentally get me sent down the Marie Stopes clinic- I’d probably shag them first before binning them off if I thought they were fit enough and I had a couple of cocktails in me.

The vast majority of men don’t respect women and will use and use and use to varying degrees- be that for sex, or to entice a woman to be their live-in admin person and cleaner and cook.

I love sex. Love it. No Victorian attitudes here- but the thought of one of these water cooler ‘oh I binned her off’ wankers ejaculating into me definitely informs why I don’t have sex for a few months of properly dating someone.

Show quote history

Agreed 💐

One of the guys who my friend was dating had a flatmate. The flatmate was a professional guy in his 30s - he had been sleeping with a girl for a month or two from a dating app. His flatmate asked how the relationship was progessing. His reponse? ‘They all look the same on their back’.

Lovechildp · 05/05/2022 11:48

I think OP was used - because if he was a normal stable guy who ‘just changed his mind’ and ‘was looking for a relationship’ - he would have been a bit more sceptical of evaluating her too before becoming involved.

LaburnumAlpine · 05/05/2022 11:49

Anyone using the phrase'binning off'should immediately discarded, man or a woman. Life is much too short.

Champagnesupamother · 05/05/2022 13:20

I am single , and dating online so have experienced this sort of behaviour. Even from men who have put in weeks of effort, Getting to know me, texting me morning and night…. Dating in person. They often ghost or bail out with very little explanation or notice. And after the fact, I have wracked my brains for the ‘signs’ .. and have been completely stumped. They have said, and did all the right things. And they were consistent in doing so… the experience is the same whether I sleep with them on the first date, make them wait three days or in one case 6 weeks and another three months.

it can’t have been my personality as they invested so much time.. and I don’t think it was the sex as some have come back for more.

i hope I don’t sound conceited but my only conclusion left is that online dating has made people so easily replaceable and completely expendable. There are a million other options online and they are probably always cycling women or seeing / talking to multiple women.

i don’t know what the resolution is but after three years of dating, it’s starting to get boring. And I now barely bother.

Hazelnut32 · 05/05/2022 14:51

Champagnesupamother · 05/05/2022 13:20

I am single , and dating online so have experienced this sort of behaviour. Even from men who have put in weeks of effort, Getting to know me, texting me morning and night…. Dating in person. They often ghost or bail out with very little explanation or notice. And after the fact, I have wracked my brains for the ‘signs’ .. and have been completely stumped. They have said, and did all the right things. And they were consistent in doing so… the experience is the same whether I sleep with them on the first date, make them wait three days or in one case 6 weeks and another three months.

it can’t have been my personality as they invested so much time.. and I don’t think it was the sex as some have come back for more.

i hope I don’t sound conceited but my only conclusion left is that online dating has made people so easily replaceable and completely expendable. There are a million other options online and they are probably always cycling women or seeing / talking to multiple women.

i don’t know what the resolution is but after three years of dating, it’s starting to get boring. And I now barely bother.

I'm genuinely sorry you've experienced that, though lots of people do get into good, long-term relationships and even marriage from online dating.

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 08/05/2022 22:22

Champagnesupamother · 05/05/2022 13:20

I am single , and dating online so have experienced this sort of behaviour. Even from men who have put in weeks of effort, Getting to know me, texting me morning and night…. Dating in person. They often ghost or bail out with very little explanation or notice. And after the fact, I have wracked my brains for the ‘signs’ .. and have been completely stumped. They have said, and did all the right things. And they were consistent in doing so… the experience is the same whether I sleep with them on the first date, make them wait three days or in one case 6 weeks and another three months.

it can’t have been my personality as they invested so much time.. and I don’t think it was the sex as some have come back for more.

i hope I don’t sound conceited but my only conclusion left is that online dating has made people so easily replaceable and completely expendable. There are a million other options online and they are probably always cycling women or seeing / talking to multiple women.

i don’t know what the resolution is but after three years of dating, it’s starting to get boring. And I now barely bother.

Exactly the same
I really cba any more

sjxoxo · 08/05/2022 22:30

I think you both used each other which is fine! I get the impression he was keen on you though as I don’t think he’d have poured in So much effort before the date just for a one off sex! This is going to sound harsh but I think Men can get sex easier than this without putting much effort in! Unless maybe he really fancied you 😬 but the fact he put so much effort in beforehand makes me think possibly he had high hopes. Did you particularly click? Perhaps you did over messages etc but not in the flesh. Sounds not to me but you don’t seem that bothered either also makes me think not. Xox