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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just feel like crying?

330 replies

Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 18:48

I was really looking forward to spending the day today with my BF and DD. We decided to go down to the beach. I suggested we get an ice cream and my DD could play on the beach.

So we planned to meet at 1pm. W were running a bit late and I let him know then messaged when we were leaving. The place we were meeting took equal time to travel to for both of us. My DD and I were waiting there. We were getting very hot as there wasn't any shade. We waited 20 min and then phoned to say he was so sorry the time on his Xbox wasn't working and he thought it was earlier. He said he was heading off but ended up walking the wrong way so we had to wait another 30min rather than 10 min! Not a good start. But once he arrived we began walking to the ice cream parlour. He then said he wanted to get a meal. So I said we could go to one of the nearby cafes. It was a bit annoying as I thought it was going to be a cheap day and the cafes are quite expensive but decided to make the best of it. So we went in a cafe and ordered some food. We came on to discussing why he was late. I couldn't understand why he didn't just leave when I said I was so we would be there at the same time. But he got exasperated with me keeping on reiterating the time on his Xbox was wrong.

Anyway, we changed the subject and had a pleasant chat. After our meal we went over to the beach, got DD an ice cream and were about to go on the sand. BF said he needed to buy cigarettes. There is no where on the seafront to buy cigarettes! So I suggested we walk further up the beach nearer the high st so we could go on the beach and he could go and get cigarettes. We finally got there and he decided actually he didn't want cigarettes. I snapped at him about this and he accused me of wanting to have a cigarette and that's why I was annoyed (I sometimes have the odd cigarette around him but generally don't smoke). Some cross words ensued and he stormed off. DD was a bit worried about what had happened, understandably and I'd had enough so after a short while we decided to go home. We waited for the lift to the top of the cliffs. When we were in the lift I could see him frantically running up the steps and we both arrived at the top at the same time. He was close to tears, said he'd come back looking for us. He apologised profusely.

By this point I just felt like crying. I feel like he is always so defensive. Like I was trying to figure out what happened with him being late, but I feel he is so ready to fight back he doesn't really listen to what I'm asking. Or like with the cigarettes he turns it round onto me. I just wanted my DD to have a nice day on the beach. I've apologised to her (as has BF) and BF got her some sweets on the way home so she was happy. We just don't seem to be able to communicate. Can things improve or is it best to just break up. I love him very much and he has a very kind heart. He had a bad childhood so I think never learnt healthy ways to communicate. I just feel so sad about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 10:06

Els1e · 03/05/2022 08:34

I feel sorry for your daughter. Why did his need for food/cigarette get priority over her ice cream and playing on the beach? You and your daughter could gone onto the beach as planned and tell him where you are. He could have caught up with you later. You and your bf are as bad as each other. Him for messing around and you for going along with it. What you’ve done, is shown your daughter that the bf is more important than she is. ☹️

To be fair, DD was happy with the cafe and walk. So I don't think she thought I put him first. But of course she was not happy with the cross words. And then it was a shame as it spoiled our time on the beach. That wouldn't have happened if he'd just got his cigarettes once we were near the city centre!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 10:08

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 03/05/2022 08:59

Poor DD, why didn't you just play with her while waiting?
Why did you follow him to get his cigarettes, rather than do something with your daughter?

Oh, she was playing while we were waiting. I thought it would be easier to meet up if we were nearer the city centre.

OP posts:
NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 03/05/2022 10:11

@Tryingnottocry22

Fair enough.
Sounds like he has a problem with the cigs if he can't go for a beach walk without them.
On that basis I'd get rid, I don't get smokers especially when they have children.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 10:11

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 03/05/2022 09:37

@Tryingnottocry22

Not sure why you made this thread if you're going to just keep making excuses for him...

I've been told he did nothing wrong and I was hard work. I can't agree with both extremes! The truth is somewhere in the middle. If you've read the thread you'll see how this thread has helped me reflect - that's why I made it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 10:15

JoeGoldberg · 03/05/2022 09:52

OP I do think you need to reassess this relationship, but I get a feeling you won't because you've started defending him which usually means you're over the rant and ready to carry on as you were. All the best.

Well, things do seem better on reflection. And I get what you mean. But so many people have said it was my fault, I'm hard work, I should apologise etc. But no, I'm very commited to ensuring my DD is put first. That will mean reassessing the relationship.

OP posts:
XelaM · 03/05/2022 10:15

Why couldn't you get an ice cream with your daughter whilst waiting for him? You could have said "Let's meet at the ice cream parlour". Problem sooved.

XelaM · 03/05/2022 10:15

solved*

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 10:18

CheeseBoard2022 · 03/05/2022 09:53

What was the point of this thread if you're going to make excuses for his behaviour?

You don't have a right to moan about it if you aren't going to be proactive and make a change.

That's alright then as I am going to be proactive and make a change. As I've made pretty clear on this thread to be fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 10:23

OatmilkandCookies · 03/05/2022 10:02

I think this was a very over-dramstised situation.
Him wanting a meal- surely he could have gone to get a sandwich and met you back on the beach?
The cigarettes- again, surely he could have gone to get some and met you back on the beach?
The lateness - you could have gone and found a nice spot on the beach and told him to come and meet you, or you and DD could have gone and got a cold drink while waiting for him.
As others have said, just prioritise DD. If he runs late or wants to do something different, let him work away and you guys just enjoy whatever it is you're doing together.

The problem was there were no shops nearby. I couldn't contact him as he had broken his phone.

OP posts:
timestheyarechanging · 03/05/2022 10:24

I don't understand why you didn't arrange to meet at a particular place on the beach so if either of you were late, it wouldn't be a problem.
Also don't understand why you and your DD had to go with him to get fags or for a meal.
Just stay where you were, having fun, and he can go off to the shop/restaurant.
Hope you have a good time on Friday anyway.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 10:26

XelaM · 03/05/2022 10:15

Why couldn't you get an ice cream with your daughter whilst waiting for him? You could have said "Let's meet at the ice cream parlour". Problem sooved.

Well, yes, except if you read the thread his phone was broken so I couldn't contact him!

OP posts:
timestheyarechanging · 03/05/2022 10:30

I don't think is a big issue tbh. DD will have a lovely day with you on Friday.

Next time you go out all together (if he still doesn't have a mobile) arrange to meet at a specific place where you and you DD can have fun together so him being late won't matter - irritating but not a problem unless you have an event/restaurant booked.

OatmilkandCookies · 03/05/2022 10:31

Ah fair enough @Tryingnottocry22, sorry I overlooked that part when reading.
If he has form for being late though I'd take an attitude of I'll meet you at X place so you and DD don't need to run around after him.
I'd also suggest he gets a phone. You can get some cheap run arounds, just so he has a means to contact you and you him.

Mix56 · 03/05/2022 10:32

In retrospect, one of the big issues, is you feeling obliged to go for a meal you knew you couldnt afford, to please him.
Obviously people need to compromise on each other's wants & needs, but
It may be you are pandering to his wishes to not incur disapproval

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 10:32

timestheyarechanging · 03/05/2022 10:24

I don't understand why you didn't arrange to meet at a particular place on the beach so if either of you were late, it wouldn't be a problem.
Also don't understand why you and your DD had to go with him to get fags or for a meal.
Just stay where you were, having fun, and he can go off to the shop/restaurant.
Hope you have a good time on Friday anyway.

We're not normally late so it made sense to meet near the ice cream parlour as we were going to go there before the beach. Yes, I shouldn't have done those things. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 10:36

OatmilkandCookies · 03/05/2022 10:31

Ah fair enough @Tryingnottocry22, sorry I overlooked that part when reading.
If he has form for being late though I'd take an attitude of I'll meet you at X place so you and DD don't need to run around after him.
I'd also suggest he gets a phone. You can get some cheap run arounds, just so he has a means to contact you and you him.

To be fair he isn't usually late. But he is terrible at losing or breaking his phone! I think he is sorting a new one today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 10:37

Mix56 · 03/05/2022 10:32

In retrospect, one of the big issues, is you feeling obliged to go for a meal you knew you couldnt afford, to please him.
Obviously people need to compromise on each other's wants & needs, but
It may be you are pandering to his wishes to not incur disapproval

Yes,I do do that.

OP posts:
Pookymalooky · 03/05/2022 10:47

Momicrone · 02/05/2022 18:56

So he plays xbox, has no phone or watch, smokes, and money is short? Sounds like a keeper

Summed it up for me

Coffeetree · 03/05/2022 10:48

To an outsider it's clear that he chose to finish his game (shudder) and that's he was late/hadn't eaten etc.

And then lied and gaslit you about it. That to me is the worst thing here.

I could never ever date or even be friends with someone who played video games as an adult.

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 03/05/2022 10:57

@coffeetree Entitled to your own opinion but there's nothing wrong with video games, just like there's nothing wrong with watching the TV.

Everything in moderation.

Coffeetree · 03/05/2022 10:59

Okay maybe there are ones who play moderately and I just don't notice. But I've seen so many addicts.

Mix56 · 03/05/2022 11:02

I agree, although you say he wasn't, IMO his gaming was more interesting, compelling, or addictive than his prearranged meet up, to the extent he left late, hadn't eaten & hadn't bought fags. Then gaslit you.
This, plus your reply to my last post. Leads me to say, you should cut your losses now

Justanothrlawyer · 03/05/2022 11:05

I think you need to be more direct with your communication. He says he's going to be late - instead of waiting around feeling angry you could just say "OK we'll go get an ice-cream find us when you get here." Then carry on with your plans.

He wants a meal, you don't. You just say "I don't want to get a meal, you can if you want or just grab a sandwich."

He wants you all to go get cigs - you say "no I'm not doing that. If you want to that's fine just meet us back here when you're done".

If you just go along with things men think you're happy to, as If the shoe was on the other foot no doubt they would say no. So they think if you're not happy you would say no too, so when you get upset to them it's just come out of nowhere.

PinkSyCo · 03/05/2022 11:16

He sounds like a massive pain in the arse. He’s 50 minutes late and then straight away demands to do what he wants to do, gets his own way there, next he wants cigarettes, then he doesn’t want cigarettes, then he causes a scene. Your poor daughter should be your priority, not this selfish brat you’ve hooked up with.

Caiti19 · 03/05/2022 11:17

When a person shows you who they are, believe them. He prioritised his gaming and his appetite over your plans, and left you and your daughter waiting for 50 minutes. He got irate when you raised the point again. Contrary to posters above, I feel you were within your rights to raise it as a discussion point again - given the whole 50 minute wait thing! The red flags to me are that 1) he wasn't able to discuss it calmly and 2) he stormed off. These are not the actions of a person with "a great heart". You will spend your life training/explaining/wrangling. Do you really want that for yourself and your daughter? If you have the energy, do sit down and lay all your priorities and expectations on the table for him and see what happens - but I think if a person reaches manhood with this behaviour, it's ingrained and any change will be temporary. In summary, you can do way better.