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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just feel like crying?

330 replies

Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 18:48

I was really looking forward to spending the day today with my BF and DD. We decided to go down to the beach. I suggested we get an ice cream and my DD could play on the beach.

So we planned to meet at 1pm. W were running a bit late and I let him know then messaged when we were leaving. The place we were meeting took equal time to travel to for both of us. My DD and I were waiting there. We were getting very hot as there wasn't any shade. We waited 20 min and then phoned to say he was so sorry the time on his Xbox wasn't working and he thought it was earlier. He said he was heading off but ended up walking the wrong way so we had to wait another 30min rather than 10 min! Not a good start. But once he arrived we began walking to the ice cream parlour. He then said he wanted to get a meal. So I said we could go to one of the nearby cafes. It was a bit annoying as I thought it was going to be a cheap day and the cafes are quite expensive but decided to make the best of it. So we went in a cafe and ordered some food. We came on to discussing why he was late. I couldn't understand why he didn't just leave when I said I was so we would be there at the same time. But he got exasperated with me keeping on reiterating the time on his Xbox was wrong.

Anyway, we changed the subject and had a pleasant chat. After our meal we went over to the beach, got DD an ice cream and were about to go on the sand. BF said he needed to buy cigarettes. There is no where on the seafront to buy cigarettes! So I suggested we walk further up the beach nearer the high st so we could go on the beach and he could go and get cigarettes. We finally got there and he decided actually he didn't want cigarettes. I snapped at him about this and he accused me of wanting to have a cigarette and that's why I was annoyed (I sometimes have the odd cigarette around him but generally don't smoke). Some cross words ensued and he stormed off. DD was a bit worried about what had happened, understandably and I'd had enough so after a short while we decided to go home. We waited for the lift to the top of the cliffs. When we were in the lift I could see him frantically running up the steps and we both arrived at the top at the same time. He was close to tears, said he'd come back looking for us. He apologised profusely.

By this point I just felt like crying. I feel like he is always so defensive. Like I was trying to figure out what happened with him being late, but I feel he is so ready to fight back he doesn't really listen to what I'm asking. Or like with the cigarettes he turns it round onto me. I just wanted my DD to have a nice day on the beach. I've apologised to her (as has BF) and BF got her some sweets on the way home so she was happy. We just don't seem to be able to communicate. Can things improve or is it best to just break up. I love him very much and he has a very kind heart. He had a bad childhood so I think never learnt healthy ways to communicate. I just feel so sad about it.

OP posts:
justfiveminutes · 03/05/2022 07:17

"I'm guessing he doesn't have kids and so doesn't understand the logistics if taking a kid to the beach and the hassle involved if you then need to do something simple like eat or get fags."

Op's dd is 10 so can't see that logistics are complicated really - she's almost in secondary school.

"wanted more Xbox time"

OP said she can see when he's playing, and he wasn't.

Everydayisabadhairday · 03/05/2022 07:18

There can be issues if the WIFI isn't connecting properly like lots of devices. He wasn't playing a game (I can see on Xbox). I think he didn't realise the time and the time on the Xbox confused him and he was faffing around as usual

That's a lot of excuses for a grown ass man not having any way to reliably tell the time so that he gets where he needs to be.

Stop making excuses for him. He could have turned up on time with a full belly and a pocket full of cigarettes but he didn't. He didn't appreciate that the day out was meant to be for your child's benefit, nor did he particularly care. He was happy for you and dd to be tagging along after him up and down the sea front.

I'm glad you're taking her again on Friday but it would have been better if her day out hadnt been sacrificed to his whims. In a couple of years she won't be interested in going for ice cream with mum. Don't waste the last of her childhood waiting on this man.

Next time, send a message to say" we will be down on the beach at x time" and do it. Don't wait around for a man who can't even get himself organised with a watch or a phone to tell the time so he doesn't let a child down. Don't spend money you're not comfortable spending because he wants to go to a cafe. Its really ok to say no to things.

Everydayisabadhairday · 03/05/2022 07:19

I wouldn't have minded him going to get cigarettes if he hadn't wanted us to go with him

So you could have just said that? "Ok you go get cigarettes, me and dd will be on the sand. Come find us when you're done". Just. Say. No.

Momicrone · 03/05/2022 07:21

Or just say give up cigarettes cos they're really expensive, make you smell and give you cancer

R0tational · 03/05/2022 07:31

I am really sorry OP as I have not RTFT but he sounds immature and A LOT of hard work! Just ditch him and find someone who is mature. You sounded patient and accommodating to me from your post which is fine except you're with someone who is going to abuse that kindness and grind you down. Honestly, you deserve better. Ditch him - be brave!

R0tational · 03/05/2022 07:32

Oh and when he has had therapy and matured he can come back to you ;)

Take care - you sound like a lovely mum. Have fun at the beach!

cooldarkroom · 03/05/2022 07:51

Basically you would have had a better day had you & dd been alone.
What does that tell you ?

AllyCatTown · 03/05/2022 07:55

He obviously got carried away playing x box and that’s why he didn’t like you questioning his reason for not leaving when you said you were as he knows his excuse is weak. However when confronting someone over their weak excuse they’re often just going to be defensive.

NalPolishRemover · 03/05/2022 08:00

OP I think you're getting a hard time here & I don't think the situation you describe warrants it. It was just one of those days & I think it's fine to be frustrated/ disappointed but the main thing is you be recognised that things didn't work the way you envisaged because of a number of thing - his lack of organisation & your lack of boundaries.
You say he's kind & generous & generally good with your dd. You can speak to him about it & if the relationship is a good one he'll recognise that communication between you could be better & work on it with you. You sound caring & kind & have been very self reflective about your role in how the day panned out & I wish you all the best with it all

Els1e · 03/05/2022 08:34

I feel sorry for your daughter. Why did his need for food/cigarette get priority over her ice cream and playing on the beach? You and your daughter could gone onto the beach as planned and tell him where you are. He could have caught up with you later. You and your bf are as bad as each other. Him for messing around and you for going along with it. What you’ve done, is shown your daughter that the bf is more important than she is. ☹️

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 03/05/2022 08:59

Poor DD, why didn't you just play with her while waiting?
Why did you follow him to get his cigarettes, rather than do something with your daughter?

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 09:32

camelfinger · 03/05/2022 02:31

I hate waiting for people, even if they let me know they’re running late. Maybe next time just meet on the beach so you’re able to start enjoying yourself without waiting for him?

Yes, that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 09:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Maybe he was having a bad day? He's usually very up for going on family day outs.

OP posts:
NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 03/05/2022 09:37

@Tryingnottocry22

Not sure why you made this thread if you're going to just keep making excuses for him...

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 09:38

Knittingchamp · 03/05/2022 07:04

Agree with others, he's just an immature kid who hasn't grown up yet, wanted more Xbox time, doesn't plan anything or stick to organised plans, didn't think about how his behaviour impacted others, isn't used to taking anyone's else's needs into account, hasn't got great emotional regulation, just basically is young and hasn't grown up yet. I'm sure he's a nice guy but is 100% not a match for a grown up woman such as yourself who has a small child to factor into the equation. Today should be been just lovely ice cream at the beach with your DD. He doesn't fit into that scenario.

Show quote history

Please read my responses. He was not gaming! I agree he is disorganised and didn't think about how this affected us yesterday. He's not usually like it. I think yes, as you say he's just immature as so young.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 09:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Really? Getting an ice-cream and playing with my DD on the beach sounded like a date?😂I was upset as DD didn't get to play on the beach shows I thought of it as a date? I don't think so! We've had many family day outs over the last couple of years so I really don't think he doesn't value them. He loves being with my DD. On reflection he wasn't on top form yesterday.

OP posts:
Excited101 · 03/05/2022 09:48

YABU to smoke around your child and have a bf that smokes around your child.

Get a new bf, this one is an immature waster. Or reasses your priorities and be single for a while.

JoeGoldberg · 03/05/2022 09:52

OP I do think you need to reassess this relationship, but I get a feeling you won't because you've started defending him which usually means you're over the rant and ready to carry on as you were. All the best.

CheeseBoard2022 · 03/05/2022 09:53

What was the point of this thread if you're going to make excuses for his behaviour?

You don't have a right to moan about it if you aren't going to be proactive and make a change.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 09:54

Everydayisabadhairday · 03/05/2022 07:18

There can be issues if the WIFI isn't connecting properly like lots of devices. He wasn't playing a game (I can see on Xbox). I think he didn't realise the time and the time on the Xbox confused him and he was faffing around as usual

That's a lot of excuses for a grown ass man not having any way to reliably tell the time so that he gets where he needs to be.

Stop making excuses for him. He could have turned up on time with a full belly and a pocket full of cigarettes but he didn't. He didn't appreciate that the day out was meant to be for your child's benefit, nor did he particularly care. He was happy for you and dd to be tagging along after him up and down the sea front.

I'm glad you're taking her again on Friday but it would have been better if her day out hadnt been sacrificed to his whims. In a couple of years she won't be interested in going for ice cream with mum. Don't waste the last of her childhood waiting on this man.

Next time, send a message to say" we will be down on the beach at x time" and do it. Don't wait around for a man who can't even get himself organised with a watch or a phone to tell the time so he doesn't let a child down. Don't spend money you're not comfortable spending because he wants to go to a cafe. Its really ok to say no to things.

I'm not making excuses. He's normally on time, this time he wasn't. There was a reason for this - that the clock on his Xbox was wrong and he had no phone and he probably was faffing a bit as well!

I agree he was disorganised re: cigarettes and food. And he didn't think about prioritising DD. Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 09:56

Everydayisabadhairday · 03/05/2022 07:19

I wouldn't have minded him going to get cigarettes if he hadn't wanted us to go with him

So you could have just said that? "Ok you go get cigarettes, me and dd will be on the sand. Come find us when you're done". Just. Say. No.

I'm terrible for always trying to accommodate other people. He would have been away for ages if he went off so that was why I came up with the compromise. Yep, I should have just said 'no'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 09:57

Momicrone · 03/05/2022 07:21

Or just say give up cigarettes cos they're really expensive, make you smell and give you cancer

If only it were so easy!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 09:58

R0tational · 03/05/2022 07:32

Oh and when he has had therapy and matured he can come back to you ;)

Take care - you sound like a lovely mum. Have fun at the beach!

Thank you so much!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 10:00

NalPolishRemover · 03/05/2022 08:00

OP I think you're getting a hard time here & I don't think the situation you describe warrants it. It was just one of those days & I think it's fine to be frustrated/ disappointed but the main thing is you be recognised that things didn't work the way you envisaged because of a number of thing - his lack of organisation & your lack of boundaries.
You say he's kind & generous & generally good with your dd. You can speak to him about it & if the relationship is a good one he'll recognise that communication between you could be better & work on it with you. You sound caring & kind & have been very self reflective about your role in how the day panned out & I wish you all the best with it all

Thank you so much and thank you for the advice.

OP posts:
OatmilkandCookies · 03/05/2022 10:02

I think this was a very over-dramstised situation.
Him wanting a meal- surely he could have gone to get a sandwich and met you back on the beach?
The cigarettes- again, surely he could have gone to get some and met you back on the beach?
The lateness - you could have gone and found a nice spot on the beach and told him to come and meet you, or you and DD could have gone and got a cold drink while waiting for him.
As others have said, just prioritise DD. If he runs late or wants to do something different, let him work away and you guys just enjoy whatever it is you're doing together.

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