Would you consider this a difficult/ long commute?

[APlaceOnEarths]

Having a bit of a debate with DH who is from zone 2 of london. Last year we moved to the Home Counties from central london for all the usual reasons, being able to afford to buy a house, wanting more space, a garden, schools etc. We have one young DC.

He is always moaning about his commute (despite him being very involved in choosing the area we are in) and it's really dragging me down. What should have been a celebration for us as a family (we haven't owned before) he's turned into a negative event as he's "had to leave london".

We live 3 mikes from a mainline station so we either cycle (15mins) or drive (just under 10mins) to the station. There are trains every 20 mins which take 25 mins into Marylebone. Yesterday I cycled to the station, got the train and was having a coffee on carnaby street 50 mins after leaving my house.

He works in different areas of london on different days so sometimes near Marylebone and sometimes not, but he calls where we live "the sticks" and acts like he's made some huge sacrifice by living "so far away".

AIBU to think he's being melodramatic and miserable?

He just got used in living in zone 2 and what that means. 50min of commute is the goal, for so many people. When I lived in London my flat was on zone 2 too, but one of my friends lived close to Richmond park and needed more than 70min to commute to work.

That sounds like a fairly easy commute to me.

But if he doesn't like it, he doesn't like it. Obviously he was part of the decision to move, but nobody knows 100 per cent how they'll adjust when they make a big move like that. It's not a crime to prefer living in London. I'm from London and I now live in a different city entirely, for financial reasons. It's nice here and I have a good life but given the choice, I'd still prefer London to be honest.

I can see why the moaning annoys you but it doesn't really matter what anyone considers to be a difficult commute; it's a personal thing isn't it? My guess is that he'll get used to it. Have you ever asked him if there's anything he actually likes about where you are now? The house, the space, the garden for your DC etc? If he can see the positives as well as the negatives, it's maybe just performative moaning while he gets used to things.

I lived in London for 25 years and lived in zone 1, 2 and 3. Not once was my commute shorter than 35 minutes. Living in Brixton I commuted to Canary Wharf. 50 minutes leaving the house to sitting at my desk on a good day as I could stand at Oval station for 15 minutes waiting for a tube I could squeeeze onto.

3 an hour is hardly infrequent, not up to tube stadards but presumably suits the volume of passengers, time the home to station journey. 50 minutes isn't much more than I used to drive and is less than I once drove when I worked 60km down the autobahn

Sounds like you are near us and it's a breeze to get in on the chiltern line.
We love the easy access to London from here

I live in London zone 3 and it takes me 45 minutes to get to work lol

There's a huge difference between doing it off peak every now and then, and doing it every day during peak time. I commuted for 20 years and it killed every aspect of my life.

Do you have 2 cars and can he easily park at the station? That was my biggest issue. Getting to the station early enough to find a parking space.

I do understand your DH and I don't envy him. I ended up moving to a smaller place very near the station to avoid that pain

I would not like that journey on a regular basis either.

I’d call that living in the sticks too. Not because of how long the commute is, but due to how far your house is from the station.

I have never been more than a 5 minute walk from a mainline train or underground station in my life, and I’ve lived in many different countries. It’s simply one of my top criteria and I could never live 3 miles from public transport.

That said, he too chose to live there so he shouldn’t be moaning about it.

50 minutes leaving the house to sitting at my desk on a good day as I could stand at Oval station for 15 minutes waiting for a tube I could squeeeze onto.

He's traveling a similar journey to the one you made from the Oval. At rush hour he'll be struggling to get onto tube trains too, and probably having to change at least once.

But before all of that he's had to battle through rush-hour traffic as a driver, search for a parking space near a crowded commuter station and then travel on a (quite possibly overcrowded and delayed) mainline commuter train. And pay a fortune for it all.

Sounds like hell to me on a daily basis.

I think it's fine - I've spent most of my life living within 'Zone 1' of the major cities I've lived in (London, NY, Glasgow, Paris) to make commuting easy, and I'm now looking at relocating to a more rural area.

I'm fortunate in that my job now is about 95% remote, but I will have to tack on additional costs / time / overnight accommodation for the rare occasions that I am in the office, and it's up to me to basically suck that up.

What I lose with one hand (super-easy / relatively inexpensive commute) I gain with the other (bigger house, more land, better quality of living). Swings and roundabouts, innit?

Assuming your husband had an equal say in the decision-making process to relocate, then yes, HIBU.

Former Londoner here, always lived in Zone 2. That is a shit commute. I wouldn't do it. There isn't enough money or big enough house for me to do that daily. However, who instigated the move? Was he pushed into the decision? It may explain his feelings. He's also not unreasonable to decide that he hates it and wants to move back.

I live in zone 5 with a 20 minute walk to the station and a 20 minute bus journey (if I'm lucky) from the station I arrive at at the other end. The minimum the journey takes is one hour, but usually more than that, on a bad day it could be two. I'd regard a 50 minute commute as a bit of a luxury.

Rally? It took me 40 minutes door to door from pretty much any place I lived in zone 2. Zone 3 is usually an hour.

A house move means estate agent's and legal fees, removal costs and stamp duty. Can your family afford a five figure sum?

Yesterday I cycled to the station, got the train and was having a coffee on carnaby street 50 mins after leaving my house.

YABU - a relaxed off-peak journey into into London for a bank-holiday coffee is not the same thing as doing what sounds like a miserable commute day-in-day-out.

(And you do live in the sticks!)

When we moved to commuterville, I specifically wanted a house that was walkable eg less than a mile, from the station (I know you can walk more than a mile but the impact on overall journey length is greater) but we were lucky that we found what we wanted within budget albeit a do-er upper.(we could have got more for our budget in villages or outskirts but I didn't want to make that compromise)

For me adding a car journey would have added a layer of stress where things could potentially go wrong (problem with car/traffic jams/Road works/poor driving conditions etc) and another layer of cost (fuel/parking)
However being a 10 min drive from a station isnt necessarily an indicator of being in the sticks. I know of several towns and cities where living on the opposite side of the town could mean a 10 min or more drive to the station but you wouldn't be living in the middle if nowhere.

Sounds a bit grim if he’s used to zone 2 London! Especially as the station isn’t walking distance and a drive away

I wouldn't do it. But I walk 15 mins and my dh cycles 20 mins so not comparable. We probably earn a lot less than you.