Would you consider this a difficult/ long commute?

[APlaceOnEarths]

Having a bit of a debate with DH who is from zone 2 of london. Last year we moved to the Home Counties from central london for all the usual reasons, being able to afford to buy a house, wanting more space, a garden, schools etc. We have one young DC.

He is always moaning about his commute (despite him being very involved in choosing the area we are in) and it's really dragging me down. What should have been a celebration for us as a family (we haven't owned before) he's turned into a negative event as he's "had to leave london".

We live 3 mikes from a mainline station so we either cycle (15mins) or drive (just under 10mins) to the station. There are trains every 20 mins which take 25 mins into Marylebone. Yesterday I cycled to the station, got the train and was having a coffee on carnaby street 50 mins after leaving my house.

He works in different areas of london on different days so sometimes near Marylebone and sometimes not, but he calls where we live "the sticks" and acts like he's made some huge sacrifice by living "so far away".

AIBU to think he's being melodramatic and miserable?

The commute sounds normal. Maybe walking distance from station would make it slightly better. I perosnaly don't like commutes and ive always worked within walking distance from work. But I don't work in London.

The issue isn't the commute. It's him claiming he has been forced to move. Is he blaming you? What is he doing to make this better for him? What does does say when you tell him that this has been a joint decision? Does he want to move back to a rented flat in central London? Does he use any of the advantages of living in the stick? Moving from central London is an adjustment even if it is just 25min but you can't really blame your family.

Not unusual and Chiltern Railways are probably the most reliable train company. The only thing that occurs to me is whether or not it really needs to be daily and some days should be wfh.

I'll be honest,sounds like a Londoner leaving London before his time that's the problem. I left London before i was ready, donkeys years ago, and ended up tearing my hair out. Left a few years ago for a 2nd time, when it was the right time, and love the move now. I think it could become a big problem OP, Im sorry. I remember feeling I'd traded in a great life for suburban boredom (he chose this of course!!-so it's his own fault for agreeing to it-& of course it isn't boring, it's lovely, but I bet thats what he's thinking and it has to be done at the right stage when it suits lifestyle-sounds like he jumped before he should have done).

The only other thing I'd say is that Marylebone from where you are is potentially a much higher pain in the arse than central/carnaby street would be, if he has to rely on tubes. I think that bakerloo district circle loop on the north west side of London can be a nightmare quite often. That could literally double his journey time and it can be aggravating.

Three trains per hour is very infrequent compared with 20 trains per hour on the tube, and no need to do the god-awful "timing it right" gubbins.

I agree that he needs to stop moaning because he did make the choice, but I sympathise with him on a few points:

1. in theory, his commute sounds fine, but it is knackering in reality. It's having to drive to the station, timing your journey so you don't miss the train (but not arriving too early so you are hanging around), not getting a seat on the train, having to squeeze yourself onto a packed tube. I commuted for 15+ years and now that I'm working locally, I don't miss it.

2. moving out of London can be a big culture shock for some people. I grew up in London and going to a much smaller town was such a shock - there were only 1 supermarket within walking distance, you had to pre book all leisure activities because you couldn't guarantee a slot otherwise, you couldn't go anywhere without running into someone you know.

We have one train an hour where we live. It is a single track line with passing places at only a couple of stations. If one train breaks down or is late it wrecks the entire schedule.

I commute into London from somewhere that has 1 train an hour! It’s fine, I get the same one every day and it gets me there on time.

A lot can change with a commute compared to when it was first tried out. Mine can be glorious in the summer but really miserable in the winter. A train ten minutes later is full of school kids screaming and mucking around compared with the earlier train which is just commuters having a quiet read. So it’s not really fair to say he chose to live there. It’s not always the same doing it day to day and it sounds like there are a lot of moving parts and a lot less convenience compared to hopping on the Tube in Zone 2. I would cut him some slack.

He’s a bit precious isn’t he?
I had an hour’s drive each way for my last job plus driving all over Wiltshire most days. Sitting on a train sounds like a treat to me!

Would say that's on the easier side of a standard commute to London.

Most of the posts focus on the train journey but I bet that's not his real issue. I don't mind sitting on the train (assuming that I get a seat) but I would hate the drive/cycle element - you have to focus for that bit, you can't zone out. It also involves advance planning - you have to decide what to wear to be suitable for cycling, no spontaneous after work drinks if you took the car etc. And if the train isn't running, you're stuck.

I live in zone 3, my door to door time is not that different - 45-50 mins but it's all walk/tube/train/bus options and if one isn't running, I can do another, and if all else fails an Uber isn't ridiculous. And although it's further away than we used to live, our London friends can easily visit.

Of course I thought this through and chose zone 3 whereas he agreed to the sticks but the OP asks what others would make of the commute and it really wouldn't be for me.

I think it’s a ballache but suspect the real issue is he just isn’t happy.

My commute when I lived in London was about that, but there was more flexibility with trains and buses every few minutes.

However I switched to working remotely five years ago and that commute now would drive me crazy!

omg. What did he expect. 50 minutes is absolutely fine.

The moan is not U
The moan after wanting to live there himself is U :)

It’s a pretty standard commute….but commuting is bloody awful. I did it for a very short time and absolutely loathed it. So I agree with the pp who says that it’s just that he regrets the decision. That’s only unreasonable in itself - but it’s a different conversation to be had.

That sounds a good commute to me, especially as it includes some exercise.

I'd be telling him he's only allowed to moan for two more weeks then he has to pack it in. He decided to start a family, that was what 'forced' a move not you.

I think it’s all the changes that make the commute hard. I have always lived in zone 2, but when I had to spend a couple of weeks commuting to Canary Wharf because of a client project I had to change three times each way and I absolutely hated it - and that was pre-kids so no stressful race home for nursery pick up. While his commute is objectively not bad at all, it’s a lot of changing (bike/train/tube) and your DH is probably dreading doing that twice a day, every day for several years.

However, if he really can’t bear it, you need to discuss the alternatives - sell up and move closer in (presumably unaffordable?)? Get a job locally? Get a job that allows wfh 3+ days per week? Compressed hours so he only works four days per week? If he just wants to moan endlessly and won’t consider how to improve the situation then HIBU.

Pretty standard commute anywhere and not worthy of a moan for the quality of life you no doubt have where you're living. My Zone 3 to Zone 1 commute was around 50 mins - 10 minute walk to the station, overground, five minutes to the underground, 10 minute walk from the station to the office. We now live in "the sticks", where I have a 10 minute cycle ride to my current office. I still appreciate this after almost 20 years!

I agree with the posters saying the pain is really the 3 miles to the station/ having to cycle, which then means faffing around locking bike etc. A pain for after work drinks/events too as you can't cycle or drive those days.

I work in London and wanted to move there but H had already been there, done that. So the compromise is that we literally live 2 mins walk to the station platform. In peak times there are 4 trains an hour which is just about OK as I can "afford" to miss one and get the next. It's about 25 mins to Paddington and about the same again to my office in the City. Most of the time the commute is no worse/longer than someone who lives on the outskirts of London. My secretary lives in North London and her commute was longer and she had to drive to the station.

The only time it's more of a pain is later in the evening when trains are less frequent, more crowded and (seemingly) more prone to delays.

If he chose the location though he should have thought of all this and stop moaning!

Some children have a longer and more complicated journey to school. And three trains an hour would be unimaginable luxury to those of us in the provinces.

He’s a bit precious isn’t he?
Well he is a man and it's MN! I can imagine the opposite, poster saying she has to do it every day, that's it's really longer in rush hour and close to 2h when having to go to the other office. That's it's not her who really wanted to go and now really misses London and wishes they hadn't move and oh my would the responses be different!

Ultimately, it's not about whether he is reasonable or not but that he is clearly not happy. That doesn't mean considering going back to London, but compassion and understanding go a long way in a relationship.

That's nothing. I know people who routinely commute (usually all driving, ugh) 1-2 hours each way, daily. No I wouldn't drive 4 hours/day either, but that's the point, it is far beyond my tolerable threshold.

My commute in is 5 min cycle, 30 min train, 3 minutes to get out of station, 25 min. cycle. Lock up... get to office... rearrange clothes... I think it's quite nice commute, just not cheap. Driving can be slower, no cheaper, is very stressful and at best, only 10-20 minutes faster.

Petulance ain’t sexy.

Petulance ain’t sexy
Haha brilliant! Unless expressed by a woman of course. Then it's called 'unhappiness inflicted by lack of compassion'!