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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you consider this a difficult/ long commute?

146 replies

APlaceOnEarths · 02/05/2022 18:19

Having a bit of a debate with DH who is from zone 2 of london. Last year we moved to the Home Counties from central london for all the usual reasons, being able to afford to buy a house, wanting more space, a garden, schools etc. We have one young DC.

He is always moaning about his commute (despite him being very involved in choosing the area we are in) and it's really dragging me down. What should have been a celebration for us as a family (we haven't owned before) he's turned into a negative event as he's "had to leave london".

We live 3 mikes from a mainline station so we either cycle (15mins) or drive (just under 10mins) to the station. There are trains every 20 mins which take 25 mins into Marylebone. Yesterday I cycled to the station, got the train and was having a coffee on carnaby street 50 mins after leaving my house.

He works in different areas of london on different days so sometimes near Marylebone and sometimes not, but he calls where we live "the sticks" and acts like he's made some huge sacrifice by living "so far away".

AIBU to think he's being melodramatic and miserable?

OP posts:
Classicblunder · 02/05/2022 18:40

I would find being that far from the station a real pain.

ReadyToMoveIt · 02/05/2022 18:42

Classicblunder · 02/05/2022 18:40

I would find being that far from the station a real pain.

Then you probably wouldn’t choose to live that far from the station, like the OP’s DH did.

Candleabra · 02/05/2022 18:42

Very reasonable to me, but clearly not to him.
What was the commute before? A walk, a short tube ride..Or was he expecting to WFH?

So what’s his solution to this? It’s fine to regret a decision. It’s not ok for him to sulk about it and make your life miserable. If house prices dictated the move does he think you have a heap of spare money if he moans loud enough?

OnceAgainWithFeeling · 02/05/2022 18:43

LittleBearPad · 02/05/2022 18:39

I live in London and my commute is 1hr 15 mins. He was part of the decision. He has to get on with it

I lived in zone 2 and my commute was 45 mins on a good day.

ProfYaffle · 02/05/2022 18:44

It's a fairly bog standard commute for anywhere, not just London/home counties. I've lived in various parts of the country, always had a 40 - 50 min commute and not for a London salary either!

SnowRoses · 02/05/2022 18:44

You can live in London and your commute to a different part of London can take more than an hour

Tell him he can move back if he wants to

LoveSpringDaffs · 02/05/2022 18:44

Brainwave89 · 02/05/2022 18:35

so door to door if he times it right, 40 mins? and possibly some commuting in London he would have anyway? He is having a laugh.

Being completely honest, how much if this was him wanting to move v you wanting to move??

How often do you have to do it v how often does he?

I moved for the same reasons & HATED the commute, so no longer do it, but I still regret moving out of London.

LoveSpringDaffs · 02/05/2022 18:46

Sorry, quoted brainwave as I was going to say, it'll rarely be 40/45 mins door to door. Rarely.

mynameiscalypso · 02/05/2022 18:47

I don't think it's the overall length of commute that would put me off but the faff of having to cycle/drive to the station, get a train and then get the tube. I think it's a psychological thing more than anything else. But the fact that I view that kind of commute as a PITA is why I live in Zone 2 and have no plans to move.

Skinterior · 02/05/2022 18:47

That's my commute pretty much. It's not killed me yet.

DockOTheBay · 02/05/2022 18:50

40 minute commute sounds pretty average to me.

Matchingcollarandcuffs · 02/05/2022 18:50

I live in Surrey and commute in, the journey is fine (does he get a seat and are the trains reusable?) but Marylebone is a bit of a pain of a station if he's having to travel around London, but not that bad.

My station is 22 mins from Victoria, or was pre lockdown. Now Southern have cancelled all Victoria trains so I either have to get a bus to a different stain to get a slow train (which I do as I'm old and can't cope with standing) or I have to change at the next station along which is ridiculously busy. Still don't think is a nightmare commute but do hate Southern

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 02/05/2022 18:50

Well, I certainly wouldn't commute that distance again. Yes, it's "normal for London" but it's nearly two hours a day of dead time.

I think when you've always done it, you don't realise how much of a time-drain it is, but the furthest I drive to work now is about 12 minutes and it makes SUCH a difference to my quality of life, energy and overall mood.

Equally as your DH has never done it before, he probably never realised how much of a drain it would be to spend that long stuck on a train everyday, so I suspect he wasn't really aware of just what he was committing to

When I moved in with DH I went from a 5 minute walk to a 50 minute drive as my commute. It sounded fine in my head but the reality was totally different, especially in the winter when you leave home in the cold and dark and come home in the cold and dark.

Weirdly, DH is now the one with the commute and he's always complaining about how long his working day is as a result, lol.

Q2C4 · 02/05/2022 18:52

I moved from zone one to the sticks in 2014. At first I hated it - the long commute, the slower pace of life, the complete lack of decent public transport, the reduce range of options for pretty much all recreational activities... but after a couple of years I got used to it and now I prefer it. He might just still be adjusting. I found I came to quite enjoy my commuting time as I could read / listen to music / message my friends etc. maybe he needs to focus on how he can use the commute time to his advantage.

UmbilicusProfundus · 02/05/2022 18:53

Yep as per PPs distance from station and multiple modes of transport are annoying.

But does he have to worry about dropoff/pickup etc for your DC at the beginning or end or the day, as that also affects the perspective of a commute. If he has none of that shit, he can just suck it up really.

BonjourCrisette · 02/05/2022 19:23

Well, it is a normal length of commute for most people. But he's not wrong, you do live in the sticks! And as a fellow Londoner I would hate being so far out which is why I did not agree to move to a small market town when my DH who is from a small market town wanted to. You need to talk to him. It seems to me he did not realise what it would be like.

SarahDesks · 02/05/2022 21:36

I keep flipping between thinking he made a rash decision and is regretting it and that he's just moaning and taking time to adjust.

I have lived all over and do the commute too- my experience of it is totally different to his. I hate the tube so I love getting an overground train and 25 minutes seems so quick to me. I enjoy my cycle ride too.

We moved from a very run down rented flat with no outside space but in a very central area so I feel so incredibly lucky to live where we are now. I think he's missing the hustle and bustle because it's all he's ever known. Wondering if he will ever actually adjust? I just find his attitude so ungrateful to our very desirable situation.

JaffavsCookie · 02/05/2022 21:41

Easy commute for London tbh
I live in North Yorks, and if i leave before 7 am my commute is only 45 mins, any later and it is nearer an hour
your DH is being a little precious

MinorWomensWhiplash1 · 02/05/2022 21:48

It doesn’t sound too bad (except for not being walking distance between home and station) but is it a reliably smooth journey? A colleague has a similar commute and most weeks has some sort of disruption or cancellation meaning they are into work late, or the previous train was cancelled so they can’t sit down and work etc. It would do my head in personally, I would rather have a smaller house and garden and live further in.

ohleboulot · 02/05/2022 21:51

From home

  • 10 minute walk to station
  • 15 minutes on first metro
  • 8-10 minute change
  • 15 minutes on second metro
  • 15 minute walk to office

+/- 1h in total

Metros every 2/3 minutes in rush hour

It's a pain in the arse of a commute because it's standing up and often crowded but it's a totally standard commute for Paris which is a much smaller city than Paris - I just manage to live in a relative "hole" in the metro map and work in a "hole" in the metro map.

For me it's the change that a real pain.

Many he has more changes when he arrives ? More stairs and up and downs for his connections.

That said anything under 1h30 is fair play in my mind.

GettinPiggyWithIt · 02/05/2022 21:51

Ha I remember refusing to move out 25 mins from Marylebone where I worked 🙄

LuaDipa · 02/05/2022 21:52

My commute is 1 1/2 hours each way on a good run. On a bad run it’s 2 hours. It’s not ideal but worth it because my company offers a great deal of flexibility that I just wouldn’t get elsewhere. I knew the long commute was the payoff when I took the job and I’m sure your dh was aware of the advantages when he chose to move. He needs to get a grip.

ohleboulot · 02/05/2022 21:54
  • Paris is smaller than London !
JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 02/05/2022 21:57

He's being OTT, commuting is shit and a bit of a winge is fine but that's a pretty normal commute. I would be very happy with anything under an hour, especially if it was a direct train. I've spent years driving over 50miles

Clarinet1 · 02/05/2022 22:03

Well for over a year I had:
20 minutes walk to station (leaving at 7am)
1 hour train to London
15 minutes tube/short walk to the office
Obviously the reverse in the evening which meant I got home about 7:30pm.
Now that was a killer commute.