Would you consider this a difficult/ long commute?

[APlaceOnEarths]

Having a bit of a debate with DH who is from zone 2 of london. Last year we moved to the Home Counties from central london for all the usual reasons, being able to afford to buy a house, wanting more space, a garden, schools etc. We have one young DC.

He is always moaning about his commute (despite him being very involved in choosing the area we are in) and it's really dragging me down. What should have been a celebration for us as a family (we haven't owned before) he's turned into a negative event as he's "had to leave london".

We live 3 mikes from a mainline station so we either cycle (15mins) or drive (just under 10mins) to the station. There are trains every 20 mins which take 25 mins into Marylebone. Yesterday I cycled to the station, got the train and was having a coffee on carnaby street 50 mins after leaving my house.

He works in different areas of london on different days so sometimes near Marylebone and sometimes not, but he calls where we live "the sticks" and acts like he's made some huge sacrifice by living "so far away".

AIBU to think he's being melodramatic and miserable?

Wow, under 10 mins by car to the station, that is nothing at all. I would be fine with that and that's far from living in the sticks. But he sounds like an ex BF of mine who felt like anything more than 5 miles from work was too far and was the "sticks".

It's not a difficult or long commute but some people don't like commuting. He also might not be enjoying living further out and that's the real reason why he's complaining.

We're not in London but did a similar move and tbh now the novelty has worn off, I hate that I have to travel to everywhere, even though (like your DH) it's not a long or difficult commute but moving out of the city really makes you appreciate how spoiled you are in the city with proximity to everything.

Jeez. My daughter is 16 and we live in zone 3. She walks 15 minutes to the station, 25 minutes on the tube (once it gets moving), and a 5 minute walk other end for school in zone 1. She only complains when the service is disrupted and she gets a minus point for being late!
His commute sounds easy. I suspect his attitude has nothing to do with the commute but his disillusionment with the move in general.

Not long at all! I used to live in Morden (South West London) and getting to work in central took 2 hours 15 mins! 4 diferent trains and 3 busses. Distance and time don't always match if there is no direct route. Changing tubes and getting through crowds took most of my life. Sounds like you have the perfect location for your needs to get in that quickly.

Hmm. My tops for a commute is 45 minutes.

DH doesn't mind over an hour but works for 40 mins on the train.

We both agree that a main line (any station) must be within a 10 minute walk of the house.

50 minutes each way is soul crushing. It’s 2 hours wasted every day.

it’s can also be a necessity.

Due to traffic I spend 45 mins on the bus into work (5 min walk either side) and up to an hour and a quarter on the way back. I live 8 miles from a major city. It’s entirely normal if you aren’t loaded enough to live closer or in a city flatshare. It is what it is.

I live in zone 4 and it now takes me an hour and 15 mins to get to my office, with two changes, due to my usual train service being cancelled since the pandemic. When you're paying a premium to rent a shoebox in London and still have a 1+ hour commute, it's pretty annoying. Totally priced out of the rental market in zone 4/5 places that might be more convenient, and it's not much cheaper further out, where I'd then also be paying over the odds for train fares. So I don't have much choice about moving.

I'd happily swap with him!

Jesus, were you walking the entire way? I used to live in Morden and it took me about 45-50 mins to get from home to central London on the tube, with a 10 min walk to the station.

Seriously? Where on earth did you live? It is 35 mins to Central London on the Northern line from Morden. You must have lived miles from the tube for it to take that long!

Sorry, quote function went wrong. That was @PsychicKoala

When I used to commute, anything over 40 mins was a drag and I wouldn't do it unless I absolutely had to.

He regrets moving out of London. A lot of people do - you see posts and threads about it very often on Mumsnet.

Does he have to stand on the train? If he can’t get a seat and it’s packed, then I see his point.

My commute takes the same length of time, but involves a 5 min walk to the station, 45min train journey, 2 min walk from the station.
I think the cycling to the station bit would turn it into a drag for me.

Are you working?

I think a commute daily on packed trains in rush hour is a lot different than going off hours to a cafe for coffee.

Can he work from home at all?

I've always viewed an hour as a pretty average commute.

My commute is an hour door to door, where I live and work that's quite long but where I'm from originally it's normal to good.

My relationship with it has changed though. Pre kids it was just normal and the train service is regular enough that I could be flexible with my day. Post first maternity leave and pre covid I actually kind of enjoyed it as it was my downtime - walk, nice train with a seat, walk. Very pleasant really. Now post covid and a second maternity leave I mostly view it as wasted time, although if I'm not as busy in work I do still enjoy it.

Has something changed to change his view of the commute (WFH, covid, kids)?

It sounds pretty normal but I'd still hate it.

Commuting is hard to get used to if you've never done it. But to give him some perspective I live in a town with an hours train journey to london. In reality that is 10 mins drive to station allowing an extra 5 to park and walk to platform. Hour on train. 30 mins on tube and the walk to office. That's fairly standard for the people I work with and we go in twice a week or three times post covid.

Marylebone is a pain in the arse I find

I moved to dp's place and did a similar commute but hated it so moved back.

Everyone is different with a commute. Loads of people did what I was doing every day and were fine with it but I couldn't hack it.

Maybe show him some sympathy? Just because he chose to move there doesn't mean he got everything 100% right about it. It's possible to think you will be ok with something then find out you aren't!

When we lived in Bristol, it could take 50 minutes or more to get from South to North in rush hour with bumper to bumper traffic. The grand total of 8 miles.

That commute sounds just fine.

Sounds fine. I used to have a commute of just over 90 mins and I’m nowhere near London. Plus the trains were only hourly so I was constantly clock watching and stressing about missing trains.

I think it's sort of irrelevant whether or not the commute is objectively bad. He hates it. The question is whether he's proposing doing anything about it or not. I think it's fair enough to say that if not you don't want to hear any more moaning about it, but I think you also need to be open to hearing that it is genuinely making him so miserable that he wants to change something.

Three trains per hour is hardly infrequent, especially given that you can time your journey so you don't have to wait.