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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give up encouraging my parents to enjoy life

124 replies

Wildflowery · 02/05/2022 15:05

My parents are in their early 60s, both retired. They sit at home all day miserable, watching TV, internet shopping for tat, scrolling Facebook, and sometimes do some gardening. Both are in good health, although my mum is a serious hyperchrondriac eg. she gets a mild tension headache and takes to her bed for three days (no exaggeration), worried she has a brain tumour. When me or my sister visit and offer to take them to lunch or something, they usually can't be bothered, are anxious to leave the house, or my mum didn't quite get 10 hours sleep so she's not feeling up to it. I think if they got out more they'd be happier but they're not interested. Aibu to just give up trying and accept this is the way they are? And stop putting any effort in? It just makes me sad that they're just sitting there wasting away mentally and physically.

Everyone else's parents around the same age are out living their lives. Playing sport, enjoying hobbies, travelling, and love having their kids and grandkids to visit. I think living like this will make them age 10x quicker. This kind of happened to one of my sets of grandparents, so you'd think they'd know better, and this really annoys me.

OP posts:

justfiveminutes · 02/05/2022 15:10

I don't think it's any of your business how other people choose to live really. Do your parents try to tell you how to live your life? Do they make demands of you that makes it your business? Presumably, they are old enough to know what they derive pleasure from, and that's fine imo.

Chikapu · 02/05/2022 15:14

Unfortunately, they are who they are, if they don't want to do what you suggest then just leave it. Let them live how they want.

Furrbabymama87 · 02/05/2022 15:20

I don't think you get to decide what they enjoy doing. You need to leave them to it. You've tried to get them out of their comfort zone, it didn't work because they don't want to be doing that. I'd go mad if someone tried to make me do something I didn't want to do.

Topseyt123 · 02/05/2022 15:20

Just let them live their lives the way they want to. You can't stop them really.

All you can do is make the offers, but if they don't want to do what you are suggesting then don't push it. Let them be.

cushioncovers · 02/05/2022 15:20

Yes give up. You can't change them. They will wear you down. Sad as it is you aren't responsible for their happiness.

LikeAStar1994 · 02/05/2022 15:21

My Dad can be very much like this. He doesn't leave the house often but he does help my Mam with the shopping sometimes. However he's got no actual hobbies or interests. Me and my Mam get worried about him when he does this for days on end which is watching the same crap over again on TV and going for naps to kill time. Getting no fresh air whatsoever.

I never want to live like that. But I'm all for people choosing to do whatever they want with their lives. We can lead a horse to water and all that...

Shinyandnew1 · 02/05/2022 15:22

That’s sad-my parents are nearly 20 years older and nothing like that.

What were they like before this-is this new behaviour for them?

CrashBandicootOnSanityBeach · 02/05/2022 15:23

YABU. It's none of your business now your parents live their lives.

There's nothing worse than people trying to tell you how to live your life, and that you're BORING and 'wasting your life' if you don't live it as they do. Social butterflies, constantly going out, partying, nights out, concerts, theatre, day trips blah blah blahhh!

Some people LIKE a quiet 'anti-social' life, and some people (like me and my DH,) have done it all in our teens/20s/30s/40s, and prefer to live a quiet, relaxing life now. Your mum probably doesn't go to bed with a headache for 3 days, she is probably just trying to avoid you and your moaning at her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/05/2022 15:24

You're pushing water uphill. Just let them be.

CrashBandicootOnSanityBeach · 02/05/2022 15:24

YABU. It's none of your business how your parents live their lives.

BattenburgDonkey · 02/05/2022 15:24

If they don’t enjoy going for walks, travelling etc, then it wouldn’t make them happier to do it would it. Just let them be, you can’t change people.

biggreenhouse · 02/05/2022 15:24

my dad is like this now and I've spent years trying to get the old him back.. with no success , and it has only dragged me down by doing it.

save yourself the stress and just accept they are choosing the life they want and if they want to be boring and old that's fine for them. yes they will age faster and its frustrating and sad to see.

BattenburgDonkey · 02/05/2022 15:25

Also your mum is retired, if she wants to spend 3 days in bed because of a headache rather than just cracking on and doing the shopping or whatever then so what? She’s retired, she can do as she likes.

mast0650 · 02/05/2022 15:28

I think there is a limit to what you can do. They will make their own choices and it is their own responsibility. I'd keep trying a little bit, but don't let it take over or get you down.

Amazing how different lives can be. I don't think of early 60s as old at all. My husband is in his early 60s and he is still working, going to festivals, concerts, parties, playing tennis, rowing, cycling 300k a month....

mast0650 · 02/05/2022 15:30

Those who say that some people prefer to do, the OP says they are "miserable". Of course, that may be her own self-projection as she would be miserable living as they do, but she may also be right.

AnyCakeButBattenburg · 02/05/2022 15:32

Have your parents always been like it? When I started to read your post, I thought you could have been talking about my husband and me - we're in our early 60s, sit watching tv/looking at Facebook or YouTube/doing crosswords. The difference is that I was very ill last summer (Covid, on a ventilator 2 weeks then a stroke, and now I have got a brain tumour) so I don't go out a lot and I don't (can't) work.* *However, I do like going out with family and friends, mainly for meals/coffee. In fact, in this past week I've been out for dinner 5 times (lucky me, not having to cook). My husband isn't too bothered about going out much, but he does a manual job Mon-Fri.

Not much you can do about your parents if they're choosing to not go out socially.

talesofginza · 02/05/2022 15:35

I can sympathise, one of my DPs is like this. Solitary, habitual and Covid has given them the perfect excuse to be even more so. Siblings and I have tried over the years to encourage a move to somewhere nicer where DP could enjoy their retirement more (they have long lived in a dingy flat in a commuter town with not much going for it besides its connection to the city). It's frustrating because when we organise things to do they are happy to take part and have a great time, but it's like unless someone else plans and takes charge of any kind of activity or outiing, they'd rather just sit at home on the sofa. No one expects them to take up extreme sports or go soul-searching in India, but god at least getting out into the fresh air a bit more and enjoying wildlife or anything which breaks the monotony would be a miracle. A few years ago we eventually just gave up. My brother finally said one day, "I've finally realised that DP is just old - their attitude has been that way for a long time and it's never going to change." Which was sad moment as we hadn't yet considered DP to be an 'old person' but it was true. YANBU to give up encouraging - you would be wasting your time and get needlessly frustrated with them if you keep doing it.

MindPalace · 02/05/2022 15:36

Mine are the same. Fine if they want to be like that, but for some reason I feel guilty and as though it’s my responsibility to make them happier.

Because of the way they are, I find visiting and calling them a chore too, as sadly do their grandchildren. And then I feel guilty that we don’t want to visit more.

I would be able to relax more if I knew they were happy and having fun or at least were content. I want to help them as their daughter but I guess they are just happy being unhappy. If they just wanted a quiet life/were happy pottering at home all day, I wouldn’t worry at all. But it’s not that.

They both clearly hate each other, which doesn’t help. I hate to say it, but I think my mum would be happier if/when my (selfish, not very nice, hypochondriac) dad isn’t around any more.

Anyway, nothing you can do about it unfortunately OP. Probably best to leave them to it.

Laiste · 02/05/2022 15:39

YANBU to want to see them making the most of reasonable health before they are actually housebound.

However, there's nothing you can do and you might as well give up. Don't feel it's your responsibility.

My mother is the same. My older kids say ''Nan's been 'old' for so long. As long as we can remember!'' That's 25 years. 25 years of behaving as if she was decrepit. Since she was 60 ish.

Now she is actually doddering and can't do more than creep round the block with her sticks she complains about life being boring for too long.

My inwaws - they're in their 70s and are never at home. Some weekends away, but Always out and about doing something even if it's just strolling round the park.

DM says 'oh but they're much younger than me'. Well mum, they are younger than you, but when you were their age you had already spent 10 years under your knee blanket scowling at the idea of me going on holidays with my kids or at the idea of anyone doing anything slightly fun!

Organictangerine · 02/05/2022 15:39

Same with my dad and stepmum. I just leave them to it.

Watermelon44 · 02/05/2022 15:44

I can relate to this op @Wildflowery as my dm is the same, but 10 years older.

It’s hugely frustrating.

She was fit and active and did a lot more pre lockdown, but now has reduced those things massively.

It worries me that her health and fitness will suffer and she will age quicker. It is frustrating as many of my friends parents are still out and about a lot, like she was.

I can’t tell if it’s still worry about covid, apathy or something else. I suggest things like meeting friends and shopping/theatre etc and she isn’t interested.

FridayBluezzzz · 02/05/2022 15:48

It’s probably a waste of time. MIL spent 20 years talking about retirement and when she did, she didn’t do anything. Nothing at all. Just stayed home and slept.
FIL did have a hobby that took him out (and MIL complained) and I think he would have done more but MIL wasn’t interested. We made suggestions, we booked them trips. Waste of time. Trips were taken but they would go for the smallest time possible etc.
Got worse when FIL passed away. MIL hated doing anything at all but was so miserable and hard work. She would say that was her choice though….

Bluevelvetsofa · 02/05/2022 15:49

You can’t know at this stage, but you may feel less inclined to be busy and go out often, when you are the age that your parents are now. Perceptions change, opinions change, personalities change, as we age.

How do you know they’re miserable? They may just enjoy being at home and pottering. Don’t underestimate the impact that lockdowns had on people who were previously quite active.

They rent telling you how to live your life and spend your time. Extend them the same courtesy.

CrashBandicootOnSanityBeach · 02/05/2022 15:53

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