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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up encouraging my parents to enjoy life

124 replies

Wildflowery · 02/05/2022 15:05

My parents are in their early 60s, both retired. They sit at home all day miserable, watching TV, internet shopping for tat, scrolling Facebook, and sometimes do some gardening. Both are in good health, although my mum is a serious hyperchrondriac eg. she gets a mild tension headache and takes to her bed for three days (no exaggeration), worried she has a brain tumour. When me or my sister visit and offer to take them to lunch or something, they usually can't be bothered, are anxious to leave the house, or my mum didn't quite get 10 hours sleep so she's not feeling up to it. I think if they got out more they'd be happier but they're not interested. Aibu to just give up trying and accept this is the way they are? And stop putting any effort in? It just makes me sad that they're just sitting there wasting away mentally and physically.

Everyone else's parents around the same age are out living their lives. Playing sport, enjoying hobbies, travelling, and love having their kids and grandkids to visit. I think living like this will make them age 10x quicker. This kind of happened to one of my sets of grandparents, so you'd think they'd know better, and this really annoys me.

OP posts:
FixItUpChappie · 02/05/2022 20:10

I am with you OP it is annoying and depressing to watch a parent just seemingly give up. My mom is like this and yes it's her life blah, blah but it does impact me and it will long term as she will become less and less mentally and physically able and that falls on family in real life.

My mom seems to have just jumped all in to this incredible narrowing of her life. I think she's making my stepdad very unhappy. He's turned basically into her caregiver (even though he is older). My husbands parents seem so much more vibrant. It's sad. Sleeps constantly, zero exercise - you use it or lose it and acting like your 90 at 69 is problematic IMO and doesn't bode well for the future.

All that said I don't think there is anything one can do tbh Sad

Echobelly · 02/05/2022 20:11

Sadly I don't think there's anything you can do about it. Maybe bring it up in a conversation about your gran at most, but you probably can't change anything.

AnastasiaRomanov · 02/05/2022 20:34

I think everything depends on whether your parents are happy. Different things make different people happy. It doesn’t sound like they are happy.
I have a friend of 61 who retired during lockdown. She now sits at home all day long. She has no hobbies and no friends really apart from me. She won’t go anywhere unless it is outside because of anxiety. I’ve realised she has always had mental health issues but have only recently realised. I would go absolutely insane if I was her. I have tried to encourage her to take up some hobbies/join groups, meet me for lunch but she won’t. You can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. The impetus for change needs to come from the person themselves.

TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY · 02/05/2022 20:38

my mother is 61(just) my dad 60 in the summer

he works 16 hour shifts in a mentally challenging job and hes the highest he can go in hiss field(he gets paid very very well)

my mother left work last year due to fibromyalgia, before that she worked 23 years in a bakery and was 5am starts

apart from her fibro she's out every day and is no where near "old"

she gets involved with my11 y olds home ed activities inside and out and we do a lot of outside learning(forest school, beach school, ocean school)and if here gets involved in any activities he does(science experiments, crafts any physical learning etc)

she also has my niece and nephew over most weekends(9 and 12)for sleep overs(mine is disabled and wont sleep over so she's not neglecting mine)and my niece is very high spirited and hard work

out and about she helps me with my sons disabilities and could be technically classed as another carer(without babysitting and over nights)so dont provide childcare as hes with me 24/7 she just does stuff with us.

before covid they was abroad 4-5 times a year (got 3 planned this year)and does excursions anywhere they are no where near old and bored

i would trust a new-born or toddler with them overnight no problem

it sound like your parents live this life/rut they have made and wont change as they are happy they seem to live the life my ex in laws live.

retired at 60 and they are 72 now and boy will they have a long boring retirement/old age as they do nothing all day every day and have done for years

unless you want to change your life you will continue to live how you see please

let them crack on and dont get so involved.
if they want a long boring old age so be it.

user1506328491 · 02/05/2022 20:52

If they seem unhappy it's nice to try and tempt them out of their comfort zone with some stuff to do. Hopefully they'll take you up on the offer sometimes, which might spur them to make their own plans.
But don't make it your responsibility to make them happy. If it's always no, and has been for years, leave them to it. Even though i appreciate its a wrench to see people you love unhappy.

user1506328491 · 02/05/2022 20:53

Is there a root cause for how they behave do you think OP?

justfiveminutes · 02/05/2022 20:56

"let them crack on and dont get so involved.if they want a long boring old age so be it."

People are so much less tolerant of mental health issues in the elderly. If they are miserable op, yet won't - or can't - seem to do anything about it then I am sure it must be frustrating for you. I do think it is ok to tell them that you don't want to hear it. But I think just be tolerant of the fact that they may have developed genuine anxieties or depression, they may not be aware of how much they are annoying you, and I am sure that seeing you is a highlight for them as we all love our dc so much and that doesn't stop when they're adults.

SquirrelG · 02/05/2022 21:03

Well, I'm in my early 60s and would hate to live as your parents do - my 88 year old father seems to have a better life than them! However, they are adults and they are entitled to live their lives as they wish so just let them get on with it.

SillySallySassySausage · 02/05/2022 21:07

I can't believe the drubbing you're getting here op, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.
They sound exhausting and I can absolutely see why you're worried about them. I have no advice though, I wouldn't know where to start.
Maybe start with something really small and hope it sparks an interest that leads to something bigger?

leatherboundbooks · 02/05/2022 21:40

retiring in the next year or so here, there is nothing bad with having some days when you don't do a great deal, but I personally want them interspersed with fun days, holidays, and hobbies. Do they really do nothing, not even things like family history, sewing, gardening? It is sad if that is so, you have to have fun while you are in reasonable health, no one knows what is going to happen in the next few years, and sadly there often comes a time when you can't do it

Whitecushion · 02/05/2022 21:42

I don't think thats at all normal. Most people their age are still working full time and living busy lives. I understand why you are sad and worried for them . However I guess it is their choice and sadly there is little you can do.

Cherrysoup · 02/05/2022 22:02

Blimey, leave them alone, it's their choice. Pointless trying to change them.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 02/05/2022 22:06

@MrsTerryPratchett

You're pushing water uphill. Just let them be.

This ^

Ragwort · 02/05/2022 22:08

Personally I think it sounds sad and depressing, I am early 60s, working, volunteering, busy etc etc, my own DM Is 89 this year and, despite losing her DH (my DF) after 60+ years of marriage last year is really active, making new friends and generally having lots of 'get up and go' .. but you can't make people change .. just accept your DPs for what they are,

user1506328491 · 02/05/2022 22:16

All the people regaling how they / their parents are very active are not really helping the OP... OP is already aware her parents are unusual in this respect and it gets her down!!

Ragwort · 02/05/2022 22:19

I guess the point is that you can't get other people to change their mindsets ...

SquirrelG · 02/05/2022 22:30

OP is already aware her parents are unusual in this respect and it gets her down!!

But there is no reason for her to be down. It is not her life, it is her parents' lives and they are entitled to live them how they want. OP has done her best, now it's time to leave them alone. I did say in my pp that I don't live the way her parents do, but I imagine many people would find my life very dull - but it suits me and I am happy. We are all different, and it is wrong to try and impose a way of living on people who clearly don't want it.

ssd · 02/05/2022 22:49

Not much you can do really

AcrossthePond55 · 02/05/2022 23:08

Just out of curiosity, how long have they been retired? DH and I are in the same age range and have been retired over 10 years now. We recently noticed that we're spending days and days sitting and doing pretty much nothing, telly, farting around online etc when we used to be much more active, took drives, went to the movies, ate out, went on little trips etc etc. We figured out it happened during the (USA) pandemic lockdowns. Life became so 'restricted' then and people 'our ages' were encouraged NOT to be out and about so we developed the habit of 'doing nothing'. And oddly enough, we're having a tough time breaking the 'habit'.

safclass · 02/05/2022 23:44

Ok. So you don't have the right to tell parents how they should live, or try and encourage them to get out and about, show some interest etc BUT then they shouldn't sit there and whinge on about stupid little stuff / complain they don't go anywhere. I've stopped making suggestions when DM and DF complain because they don't want to change/do it. They just want to complain and be negative!!

GoldenOmber · 02/05/2022 23:49

You can’t fix it. I have parents/PIL like this to varying degrees and it is maddeningly frustrating, and I don’t think the people saying “just leave them alone! they’re happy!” quite realise how frustrating it is when they moan at you that they’re not happy and also refuse to do anything about it.

“Oh I miss doing such-and-such a Thursday.” Well the class is still running, go back? “No.”

“I haven’t seen so-and-so for ages, it’s sad.” Why not give her a call? “No.”

“The doctor thinks I should get more exercise but I don’t know if it’ll do much. I’m an old lady now really.” Let’s go for a walk together! “No.”

At the same time as getting increasingly insular and losing interest in their children/grandchildren/friends/neighbours/anybody.

It is maddening. But it’s also their choice to be like that, and you can’t really badger them out of it, so your only real option is to accept it.

Frazzledmummy123 · 03/05/2022 00:18

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 02/05/2022 16:18

I think it's natural for you to feel sad at the way you're parents are living, OP, but probably right that it's their choice so you should just leave them to it.

Not sure why you're getting so many snarly responses though. People are acting like you're discussing some neighbours you know vaguely, rather than your own parents who you love and are concerned about.

I second this!

I can understand why you'd feel concerned as you want the best for them.

AchatAVendre · 03/05/2022 00:29

They've got really bad habits and too much time on their hands without much self discipline - e.g. to do "stuff" or make sure they get outside. Instead they are just drifting and of course once you get into the mindset that its easier to sit at home "resting" then everything else becomes a mountain to climb.

You mention you had grandparents like that. Perhaps its genetic/upbringing. But most of it boils down to the self discipline to motivate themselves and it seems that they don't have much of it. So I agree theres little you can do. It has to become from within themselves, and it seems unlikely to do so at this age.

alanabennett · 03/05/2022 00:40

Good grief, I could have written this myself, word for word practically. I have no advice because I'm so bloody exasperated about it myself, but please do know you are not alone.

TheTonEffect · 03/05/2022 00:50

I can't understand the "none of your business" replies. Of course it's the OP's business. Who do you think is going to be looking after the parents once they are older and infirm?

If this was a post about teenage children or an adult in their early 20s there would be a lot more concern. We set the bar so low for the mental health of older people.

My mum is the same, OP. It hurts to watch because when I finally do manage to get her out she enjoys herself and talks a lot about planning things. But the years pass by and she doesn't get around to it. One of her close friends died a few weeks ago and she kept saying she would meet up with her and now it's too late. I just want her to be fulfilled and have no regrets.