To give up encouraging my parents to enjoy life

[Wildflowery]

My parents are in their early 60s, both retired. They sit at home all day miserable, watching TV, internet shopping for tat, scrolling Facebook, and sometimes do some gardening. Both are in good health, although my mum is a serious hyperchrondriac eg. she gets a mild tension headache and takes to her bed for three days (no exaggeration), worried she has a brain tumour. When me or my sister visit and offer to take them to lunch or something, they usually can't be bothered, are anxious to leave the house, or my mum didn't quite get 10 hours sleep so she's not feeling up to it. I think if they got out more they'd be happier but they're not interested. Aibu to just give up trying and accept this is the way they are? And stop putting any effort in? It just makes me sad that they're just sitting there wasting away mentally and physically.

Everyone else's parents around the same age are out living their lives. Playing sport, enjoying hobbies, travelling, and love having their kids and grandkids to visit. I think living like this will make them age 10x quicker. This kind of happened to one of my sets of grandparents, so you'd think they'd know better, and this really annoys me.

This. As I said though, the OP's mum is probably not in bed for 3 days really, she is just trying to avoid being nagged and goaded for not being a massively outgoing social butterfly 'living her best life' like the OP demands.

Me and my DH would NOT appreciate my DC - or anyone for that matter - nagging and moaning at us for not living the life THEY think we should be living in our mid 50s. Especially as I said, we spent the first 50 years of our life, socialising, partying, hosting parties, (for us AND the DC and their friends,) going to the theatre, to concerts, and to festivals, building careers, visiting people, hosting them in return, and travelling extensively. (Alone, with friends, just us two, and with the DC.)

We just want a quiet life in our little country cottage in the sticks now, amongst nature, the woodlands, the river, and the canal; going for lovely long walks and bike rides... Anyone who doesn't like the way we live can fuck off. It's got nothing to do with them. Been there, done that, lived our lives, had lots of fun. Happy to chill now and just live a lovely slow pace of life.

A few people on this thread sound insufferable. 'Oooh I agree OP. I have tried to get MY parents to do more too.' FFS leave them alone!

They sound a bit set in their ways ,but what can you do ? Too late to change them! A lot of people seem like this when they retire .I think they lose their mojo. You cant really drag them out kicking and screaming! We hear a lot about Travelling and so on ,but many older people dont have the energy or confidence for this .Even days out can be tiring after a lifetime of work.They tire easily and wear out

They've never been the types who went out much, but I thought this was more from circumstance. My dad has worked long hours for the past 10 years or so, so they could retire at 60, but he used to play golf a lot with his friends and was a member of an open water swimming club. He said he couldn't wait to play golf a few times a week in retirement, and wanted to get into road cycling/triathlons. My mum left her part time job in her early 50s to look after her parents who were both housebound and had progressive illnesses. (They've both passed away in recent years). She's never had any hobbies or socialised much because she always said she was too busy looking after everyone. But that's not been true for years now.

My ILs are very very stay at home now they've retired. In their case they've always been quite old-before-their-time IYKWIM. There's nothing you can do about it really I think.

This. If this is how they want to live their lives its on them. Maybe they are enjoying it. I know lots of people, young and old, that like to moan and complain about illnesses and whatnot. If that's what gives them "enjoyment" so be it. We all live our lives how we want and it may not seem fulfilling to you or to me, but it may be to them.

I gave up on mine when they were about 57 for the same reason. The only thing they want to do is stay indoors scowling at their neighbours, watching shit TV and reading QAnon theories, so I stopped trying to engage with them.

They've no interest in their children, no interest in their grandchildren, never see anyone. They're miserable fucks and life was instantly sunnier when I stopped calling and visiting. I just dread ever becoming like them.

My DH and I are your DPs age. I’m retired, DH still works a little as an academic. I wouldn’t say we are social butterflies; we do take a neighbour’s dog for walks and local dog friendly coffee shops while neighbour is at work, meet friends for meals and coffee, go to a show occasionally, go on holiday, the odd weekend break. I go to the gym. Apart from that we do spend time on the sofa reading, internet surfing, watching TV. Leave your parents alone, it’s their life.

For those saying leave them alone….. It is out of concern for their health and well being to encourage them to keep active mentally and physically.

That doesn’t mean signing up for marathons or the gym etc but basic physical activity and mental stimulation is essential at all ages.

Surely it isn’t healthy to stay inside and just do the same thing every day?

@CrashBandicootOnSanityBeach i think long walks and bike rides is doing something….
I think OP is talking about doing nothing and never going out.

I think it's natural for you to feel sad at the way you're parents are living, OP, but probably right that it's their choice so you should just leave them to it.

Not sure why you're getting so many snarly responses though. People are acting like you're discussing some neighbours you know vaguely, rather than your own parents who you love and are concerned about.

Leave them the Fuck alone to live their lives how they want to! Its nothing to do with you how they spend their days.
I would be furious if one of mine started telling me what I should be doing with my spare time

prime snarling

I think those saying that adult children should butt out and let elderly (or old-before-their-time) parents be how they want are right, despite having spent years feeling a bit exasperated about my own DP and still feeling a bit sad about it sometimes. But I think sometimes the complexity of feeling about this comes from seeing a glimpse of our future lives. Like, are we going to slog away full time in an office for the next 20-30 years (like our parents did) and end up just sitting in an armchair watching daytime TV every day for decades until we die? It can be a depressing prospect.

We just want a quiet life in our little country cottage in the sticks now, amongst nature, the woodlands, the river, and the canal; going for lovely long walks and bike rides.. But this is not at all like the OP's parents. I think she would be very happy if their life was like this!

Maybe their idea of happiness isn't the same as yours. Not being snippy - a genuine observation.

I am 66, divorced with no partner. I retired last summer but had only been working part time for a year or two. TBH I am relishing not having to go out, not having to commute, work in the evenings/weekends whatever. I have always worked outside the home, so now I love watching stuff I've recorded, reading and generally dossing in the house because I have never had the chance to do that before. (Disclaimer - I know SAHMs don't doss around the house - but I do now! )

I don't have a lot of money so I choose not to spend it on holidays - I don't want to holiday alone anyway and all my friends are in couples. I meet friends for coffee or the odd meal out, but with arthritis lurking, I don't feel like doing sporty things. I don't want to do anything which involves meetings - had enough of those in my working life.

I always imagined that when I retired I would do loads of things or at the very least get my house and garden completely sorted. However, I was looking at those things through the lens of someone with a young or middle-aged body and energy - now I have neither.

I dare say you might look at me and say the same things you have said about your parents, but honestly I am happy for the moment doing what I'm doing not much .

My parents live a quiet life. They garden, read, watch tv, listen to the radio, go for the odd short walk, have an occasional day out that they're always glad to get home from.

I don't think they need help or encouragement to get out of the house, any more than introverts are just dying for someone to bring them out of their shell - theyre happy as they are.

I have mentioned holidays to them on occasion. They used to love going on holiday but haven't for a few years. My mum said that, the last few times they went, they were overwhelmed by the travelling - some people do lose confidence - and came home feeling like it had been a waste of money. I don't understand it myself, but I also don't know how ill feel about travelling when I'm their age, maybe the same.

If my parents were happy doing not very much, as some people have said they are above, that would be great. But they are miserable and admit it, and complain, so my sister and I just want to help them.

But, yes we are leaving them alone more now as we can’t force them to try to be happy.

There seem to be some quite angry posters here taking personal offence as if people like me are judging/criticising their lives. That’s certainly not the case - I just worry about my parents and want my parents to be happy. But as they want to continue as they are, I am taking a step back.

I would be over the moon if they wanted to garden/ go for walks in the countryside etc, no judgement from me.

The problem with people saying you should keep your nose out is it can have a negative effect on children's lives. It did for us. PILs became very insular and difficult and poor company. They had nothing to talk about and obsessed about small matters.
MILs health in particular went downhill from no activity. She had an active job and went from that to going to the supermarket (driven by DIL) once a week. It aged her fast. It was DH and siblings who had to pick up the pieces.

If my parents were happy doing not very much, as some people have said they are above, that would be great. But they are miserable and admit it, and complain, so my sister and I just want to help them.

In that case I would just tell them that only they can do something about their life and you will support them if they want to, and then leave it at that. If they bring it up again - "As I told you before ..." rinse and repeat.

"If my parents were happy doing not very much, as some people have said they are above, that would be great. But they are miserable and admit it, and complain, so my sister and I just want to help them."

If they are complaining about it then that does put a slightly different spin on it. I don't like people who moan about something but make no effort to change it, and I wouldn't want to listen to it every time I visited. If they start moaning, tell them that they are the only ones who can do something about it and that you don't want to hear about it. If there are genuine reasons - money, lack of confidence, nervous driver etc - then I'd want to help.

My perfect day is to sit on the sofa watching something on TV, reading and web surfing . As long as nobody is expecting me to go anywhere or do anything that I havent thought of myself I am happy.
I have spent the last 50 years having to be in places and doing things that weren't under my control. I shall do what I damn well please now.

I get it, it’s so sad to watch them living with one foot in the grave. My in-laws are the same. Could be fitter but do nothing but get up shower and sit all day. Their muscles are wasting away and they don’t speak to anyone from one day to the next. They show no interest in spending time with us or the DC - if they baby sit, they spend the whole evening on their phones.

The sad part is, they haven’t always been like this. When I first met them they would travel several times a year; they would go out for long walks and meet friends. Their life has changed quite drastically and I suspect that untreated anxiety is to blame. There’s nothing we can do but carry on without them. We still invite them to places but they are the ones missing out.