To give up encouraging my parents to enjoy life

[Wildflowery]

My parents are in their early 60s, both retired. They sit at home all day miserable, watching TV, internet shopping for tat, scrolling Facebook, and sometimes do some gardening. Both are in good health, although my mum is a serious hyperchrondriac eg. she gets a mild tension headache and takes to her bed for three days (no exaggeration), worried she has a brain tumour. When me or my sister visit and offer to take them to lunch or something, they usually can't be bothered, are anxious to leave the house, or my mum didn't quite get 10 hours sleep so she's not feeling up to it. I think if they got out more they'd be happier but they're not interested. Aibu to just give up trying and accept this is the way they are? And stop putting any effort in? It just makes me sad that they're just sitting there wasting away mentally and physically.

Everyone else's parents around the same age are out living their lives. Playing sport, enjoying hobbies, travelling, and love having their kids and grandkids to visit. I think living like this will make them age 10x quicker. This kind of happened to one of my sets of grandparents, so you'd think they'd know better, and this really annoys me.

The OP has said that they complain about their life 'all of the time'!

I do feel for you, OP, as it is so frustrating when you hear complaints about something that could easily be changed. A gentle push back is sometimes required, if they are moaning about something ask them what they are going to do about it. Continue to invite them to events but don't arrange anything specific with them in mind.

It is easy for people such as your parents to get into a circle of 'no'. Any time they hear an idea or suggestion their first thought is how it won't work for them. No acceptance, only resistance against whatever comes their way - so don't be drawn into this or get involved. It is hard, because you see their world shrinking daily, but it is down to them - you can't do it for them.

Yes this exactly. Thanks for sharing this. The bit about exercise is my mum all over. And they live right by a national park with tons of easy trails but never go!

My sister has two young kids and they are pleased to see them for genuinely 5 mins. Then they're visibly fed up and want their peace and quiet back. My DP's parents absolutely adore their grandkids (his brother's kids), make a real fuss of them and can't wait for them to come over next. It's just sad.

When I visit, I arrive, they moan at me, all one way conversation, for an hour or two, then switch the TV back on and ask me when I'm leaving (I have a 2 hour drive!). I actually do wonder if their behaviour is also the first signs of dementia/cognitive decline.

Ur not alone OP and it doesn't get any better I'm afraid ! U definitely can't change them. It's so sad and frustrating but it's up to them. Will they never visit you or meet halfway for lunch ? They are making their own choices and it's their life etc. But then this is your life too...this is a two way street... they should be looking to maintain their relationship with you not expecting you to drive 2 hours to be moaned at by two 60 year old s. Its time to draw clear boundaries and demonstrate your expectations. Its not your job to look after them.

It does sound really sad and frustrating but I don’t know what you can do.

Yep. It's a legitimate worry coming from a person who'll likely be expected to pick up pieces.

I would say that it is a personality issue, rather than a physical one.

Your parents don't sound interested in anyone else - you and grandchildren included.

Any loving parent would be delighted to have you visit, want to hear your news, have popped out to get some nice food for your to eat together etc.

They just sound insular and selfish.

I would stop worrying about their health/mental health and leave them to it.

@Wildflowery
I don't know why some posters are giving you a hard time, we are allowed to be worried about our parents and their lifestyle, health, and mental health. That's what a caring child does!

I'm the age of your parents and it's the opposite with us... (although I do have to push my DH a bit because his hobbies are home based).
My DCs are usually saying to me 'What? Another trip? Another holiday?'

All I can say is... keep suggesting outings, walks, ideas to them. And hope that something sinks in.
I can't imagine living life like your parents... I feel fitter and with more energy than I did years ago and I just want to grab life by the balls and live it, because at my age, I just know time is more limited.
Now off for an early hilly walk through a valley near me to see the adorable baby lambs.

Exactly. Plus, its not like the parents are super happy and brimming with contentment staying in all day long. They are constantly moaning about life. There is nothing more irritating and annoying than someone moaning incessantly about their life yet shooting down every suggestion you make to help. Whats the point of moaning then if you are unwilling to do anything about it?

I’ve given up trying to encourage my mum to do anything. She exists rather than lives but she always has done really. She’s made her own choices that have contributed to ageing her early and I can’t do anything about it or be responsible for those choices. She refused to try and learn how to use a computer or tablet My dad is quite active with societies and hobbies. I worry nearly every day how my mum will cope if my dad dies first. She couldn’t live alone.

OP I get it & it's immensely difficult. Not least because when the chips are down & parents have allowed themselves to become insular / isolated they have no one to rely on outside you & your siblings. My mother has always tended towards sitting back & expecting others to run around after her. My father was always far more sociable & led a busy life.
When he became critically ill a number of years ago she did not have a single person (outside me & my sibling & her own sibling) to text / call / have a coffee with. She'd let it all slide . When I think back on it she was only then around the age I am now (early 50s ) which shocks me.
She had so little going on in her life & she was so young relatively speaking. His health crises propelled her to a much older age demeanour at a very fast pace & even though he recovered he never worked again so they've been 'retired' since their 50s
They ve lived a very reduced life for the past 20 years now & it still shocks me how much it has changed from before his sickness to after. It became clear that he was the driving force behind all the stuff they used to do - socialising, working, holidays, days to the races etc & once he stopped that was it
She's very able bodied & has no health issues but has absolutely zero get up & go.
Makes me sad to think about it & also determined not to be like it if I can possibly help it.

I dare say they will be glad of you not mithering them anymore. Leave them alone!!

"She was on antidepressants and anxiety medication for many years."
"She ended up with heart failure, diabetes and eventually vascular dementia,"
"I actually do wonder if their behaviour is also the first signs of dementia/cognitive decline."

I think that you are equating your GM staying in as causing her depression, anxiety and eventually dementia. When it could have been her staying in was because of them.
Your parents behaviour could be because if cognitive decline. Likewise the not being able to cope with a break from routine for more than a couple of hours. As said, we don't respect poor mental health in the elderly. If someone in their 30's write that they had difficulty leaving the house because of anxiety, no-one would post about their marvelous life, they'd show understanding. Likewise we are told not to drag none NT children out of their comfort zone. In the elderly there's a real physical decline that coupled with cognitive etc results in what you are describing in your parents.
It's a shame that we don't all age well, but with many it isn't deliberate. Sometimes when we are caring for an autistic child (as I have done) you can feel sad that they aren't doing certain activities and so do they, but it's just beyond them. Perhaps start to view them in a similar way?

It's very sad op...i get why you are frustrated. Just vow to do your retirement differently.

It’s also frustrating because from the outside you can see how self-perpetuating it is.

If you don’t get any physical activity, then any time you do move it’ll tire you out more; if you massively cut down on socialising, then any interaction you have with other people will tire you out more; if you don’t ever go anywhere, then any sort of travelling will tire you out more. And when your brain doesn’t have much to do it’ll make molehills into mountains and any slight problem expands to become a huge massive stressful drama.

So they end up doing less, moving less, talking less, and are still just as tired and stressed as they were before. And then deal with that by doing even less. And so it goes on.

It is also maddening to hear about every trip to the GP for every little twinge and niggle, only to hear that the GP’s advice was what you have been suggesting already - find a low-stress hobby you like, get a bit of activity even just a slow ten-minute walk once a day, keep in touch with friends - and they still won’t do it.

Early 60s is a bit young to be suffering from cognitive decline/dementia. If it is this they need urgent medical attention.

This 100%

As a HCP, people like this currently take up 90% of my time.

Constantly re-referred with aches and pains and minor medical complaints, predominantly from lack of activity/exercise.

It is most definitely self-perpetuating.

They see it as our duty to visit them and also think its a treat for us to visit them because they live in a popular holiday area. They can't be bothered to travel anywhere to meet us. My mum is terrified of driving on bigger and unfamiliar roads, and public transport is a no go. So driving all falls to my dad and he gets really moody about it (especially the cost of petrol, although they have plenty of money for random plastic Amazon tat). Truth be told my dad couldn't care less about spending any time with his children/grandchildren, it's an inconvenience for him. He'd rather be watching golf.

I offered to send them for a weekend break as their Christmas present because they said they wanted to get away, but they still haven't given me any dates. Every time I ask, my mum says she still has to check their calendar - but they have no plans!

I don't think it's an age thing, I think you have tried, and painful as it is, don't blame you for giving up trying any more.

Totally agree with you @Watermelon44 and @GoldenOmber. My mum is obsessed with supplements and all sorts of alternative medicines and therapies (that clearly aren't working) but won't spend 30 mins a day going for a walk in a beautiful national park on her doorstep, which would almost certainly have more of a positive impact on her health. She's at the doctors every other week I swear, and all she does is complain about them and their lack of support... but secretly I feel sorry for the doctors who must be banging their heads against the wall every time she turns up.

Everyone else's parents around the same age are out living their lives. Playing sport, enjoying hobbies, travelling, and love having their kids and grandkids to visit.

Oh, trust me, they're really not. There are loads of parents who are just like yours; I promise you're not alone. My brother's former in-laws were exactly like this. His ex-wife was lovely and on a midweek day off, offered to take her mum out for a nice lunch somewhere, and her mum's response was 'ooh, no, I can't be bothered, I'd have to put a clean top on'. Actually, thinking about it, she was a massive hypochondriac as well.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your parents suffer with depression without realising it. Or maybe they are just lazy and/or introverts. You sound lovely and I do understand why you are worried, but I don’t think there is much you can do to change them unfortunately.

They sound depressed

That's really sad OP. My parents were constantly on holiday and running half marathons with their friends in their early 60s

I should clarify that when I said people like this make up 90% of my caseload, I mean if all ages, not just over 60.

There is a massive ticking time bomb of inactivity, not even basic levels of daily physical activity which are causing massive levels of physical and mental health problems in all ages. We see it multiple times daily.

Trying to advise people like this to make small changes to improve their physical and mental well being is like hitting your head against a brick wall. They will happily accept tablets but many don’t want to do other things to help themselves.