To give up encouraging my parents to enjoy life

[Wildflowery]

My parents are in their early 60s, both retired. They sit at home all day miserable, watching TV, internet shopping for tat, scrolling Facebook, and sometimes do some gardening. Both are in good health, although my mum is a serious hyperchrondriac eg. she gets a mild tension headache and takes to her bed for three days (no exaggeration), worried she has a brain tumour. When me or my sister visit and offer to take them to lunch or something, they usually can't be bothered, are anxious to leave the house, or my mum didn't quite get 10 hours sleep so she's not feeling up to it. I think if they got out more they'd be happier but they're not interested. Aibu to just give up trying and accept this is the way they are? And stop putting any effort in? It just makes me sad that they're just sitting there wasting away mentally and physically.

Everyone else's parents around the same age are out living their lives. Playing sport, enjoying hobbies, travelling, and love having their kids and grandkids to visit. I think living like this will make them age 10x quicker. This kind of happened to one of my sets of grandparents, so you'd think they'd know better, and this really annoys me.

You say they sit at home all day miserable. But are they miserable or is that how you would feel if at home all day. Sounds like they enjoy their garden, mooching about on internet, watching TV and relaxing. You can't live their life for them. They have to do what makes them happy, not suits you.

It might not be, but unless they're not in control of their faculties, it's up to them, isn't it?

I took early retirement at 57. I was a secondary teacher and spend years having to go in to school even if I felt under the weather because of teaching exam groups. Now if I feel unwell I sleep in. No having to get up early to face nightmare traffic. I get up later, go to bed later too. Go out when I feel like it, potter in my garden, rather like your Mum. I do enjoy cooking and baking so like feeding visitors and will have baked a cake and cookies if I know any of my children or grandchildren are coming. I eat out every week and now Covid seems less threat will holiday again. I watch Netflix in daytime, crochet, read and do puzzle books in day time, go for a swim, because I can.

'I don't think they need help or encouragement to get out of the house, any more than introverts are just dying for someone to bring them out of their shell - theyre happy as they are'

This!!

I would leave them alone, what may look miserable to you may well be peace and contentment to them.

Wow! So many people using the F word and aiming it at the OP implicitly because she’s concerned that her parents are not happy and wants to help them?!? Of course it’s frustrating to watch them ignore the fact that they have the power to change things.

That's just rude. What a horrible way to shut someone down when they are just asking for advice.

OP is concerned and saddened and simply asking if she should leave be or continue trying to encourage them to do things.

It's a hard one, I would back off but still leave the invitations open.

I'm surprised at the aggressive responses here too.

OP is not threatening to drag them kicking and screaming anywhere. She's expressing concern and sadness. It's not rude or illegal to have an opinion.

Taking time to post ''i don't fucking care what you think'' smacks of quite the opposite.

Do your parents tell you they are unhappy with their lives?

I could have written your post OP. Before retirement, my mother worked full time, had an active social life, saw her grandkids regularly…then suddenly decided to sell her house and move to a remote place hundreds of miles away from friends and family. Fair enough if that’s what she wants to do - she’s a grown woman and can live where she wants - but since moving she has no interests, no hobbies, never goes on holiday, rarely sees grandkids, and sees the same 3 people day in day out. She seems to hate the general public and has lost all the spirit that made her who she was. It’s really sad to sit by and watch this happen when she’s not even 70 yet. This isn’t the real her. It’s hard to find common interests or engage her to do anything as she just doesn’t have any interest in doing anything other than sit on the sofa reading the Daily Mail. It’s driven a big wedge between us which I’m really sad about, but I think all you can do is go about your own life and let her live hers how she wants to. I feeI your pain though, it’s tough.

When I'm retired and want to live a quiet life, I shall do so the way I choose.
If I want to read the paper all day, potter round my garden and not socialise, that's what I'll do.
It sounds blissful tbh.

Maybe they want to 'miss out'

They may not want time with you and the grandkids, I'm sure you feel sad about it but they are free to do as they choose.

It's understandable to be sad to see your parents slow down and do less and age and change, because a) you see your own possible fate, and b) it shows you their mortality.

At the end of the day no child is going to be able to force their parent to do anything. They are allowed to be sad about it though. Especially if the parent is seemingly to NOT be enjoying life, suck in a rut, hard to be with ect.

Is wasting your life a real thing? I think yes it is.

I suppose it is a good thing that so many people think it's ok for op to disagree with her parents' life choices, and to be saddened and disappointed by it.

I don't think many people are as sympathetic when a dm or dmil is disappointed or disapproving of their grown-up dc's life choices.

I mean, if it's ok for op to think it's a shame they're wasting their lives, it'd be ok for her parents to think she was wasting her life with an unsuitable partner or a shit job.

I find it patronising that so many think it's ok to pass judgment on the choices of elderly family members, at what age does it stop being judgy interference and start being helpful well-intentioned advice?

My parents are late 60s and aren’t up in the house at all, my Dad goes for a swim daily and canoes twice a week, my mum meets her friends and she enjoys going shopping. The pair of them eat out at least three times a week and go on endless holidays and weekends away! My husbands parents on the other hand just like to stay in, they do a little gardening may go in a caravan once a year but they don’t leave the house, they love buying internet crap too but they seem happy enough though. I think each to their own, everyone is different!

I understand you totally OP. I have one of those parents, It feels like she is sat just waiting to die. I am totally beyond frustrated with her and I find no pleasure in her company as she has no interest in anything other than bloody soaps and loose women. She moans she doesnt go out anywhere and believe me we have begged her to come on holiday or we will take her anywhere she wants to go. It is always met with no. I think its a control thing of trying to make us feel guilty and bloody hell we did,we tried everything to get her out of the house but no. Then tells all and sundry she doesnt get to go anywhere and misses us. i do not feel guilty anymore,What she wants is for us to sit there and look at her miserable gob and be as miserable as she makes herself, I refuse to do that,did it for years but no more. I have no answers for you sadly just my own experience, I was so looking forward to lovely quality time together in her advancing years but its not to be and its not my doing its all her. I cannot try anymore, or beg or placate anymore she will not move.But I will not sit there and be like her either, I resent her and the more she goes on the more I end up just going out of duty and that makes me so sad, I never wanted it to ever be like this or imagine it would be but it is....

@Wildflowery I also have parents who are wasting their life away, honestly most of the time I think they are looking forward to death. It is very sad, but it is their choice, and maybe when I reach that age I'll be the same 😬

Really no need to be quite so nasty here.

I agree. Especially as it was in response to a very pertinent point. I’d probably do the same if my child decided my life was sad but I was perfectly fine with it. OP says they “sit miserable” but that appears to be a judgement rather than a statement of fact.

Is wasting your life a real thing? I think yes it is.

I guarantee someone would look at your life and decide you were wasting it. A life is only wasted if the person living it isn’t enjoying what they are doing.

This thread reminds me of all those threads about SAHMs of school aged dcs, when posters who work fulltime make comments along the lines of "but what do you do all day once the house is clean?" "Aren't you bored with nothing to do all day?" I always read them and think that retirement would be really dull for these people who's only ideas about how to fill their days are paid work, cleaning or looking after preschoolers.

OP - dont try to change them or improve them. Regularly invite them to you or to meet for lunch etc (don't go to their house then ask them to go out, text /message /call and invite them out for lunch "me and sister are going to x for lunch, would you like to join us?") but if they don't want to do those things then they don't.

I dont think they're 'boring' at all and I'm not telling them how to live their life. I'm concerned about their physical and mental health. My grandma only left the house once a week to do a food shop for 28 years. She sat in her armchair watching TV from the moment she got up to the moment she went to bed from the age of about 65. She ended up with heart failure, diabetes and eventually vascular dementia, which is a horrible and cruel way to spend your final years. I dont wish the same for my parents.

Also my grandma was truly, truly miserable with her situation but refused to do anything about it. She had plenty of opportunities and the money to get out, meet people and do things, but she couldnt be bothered. She was on antidepressants and anxiety medication for many years.

I'm the same age as them. I work. I have spent the weekend eating out in restaurants, in pubs, with grandchildren, shopping, meeting friends, and seeing live music. I'd be demented if I was them.

I get exactly what you are saying, OP. Of course its their business what they choose to do with their lives but the people going on about "you cant dictate how they live their lives" appear to be missing the parts where their choices appear to be making them miserable! You clearly stated that they both seem utterly fed up with their lives so its not as if they are saying to you "no, we dont want to go out because we are actually really happy staying in!". Its the opposite.

My nan used to be exactly like this- always moaning about her boring unsociable life but shooting down all my suggestions to meet others or go out and about. In the end I gave up because its learned helplessness and until they make the decision to change the things about their lives that make them unhappy there is nothing anyone else can do about it. Its sad because after she died, I thought of all the activities she could have got involved in but didnt but at the end of the day, our own happiness really is our own responsibility and you are not responsible for their happiness. Leave them to it.

My god the nastiness and vitriol to the OP on this thread .

God this sounds idyllic!

There are people who always have to be out doing stuff. Others who like to stay jn. I'm the latter, can't understand the former. I'm sure the feeling is mutual. Neither is wrong or right.

Having said that my mum was like this and miserable. It's frustrating but it's not your job to sort.

All of the time!