That social services should leave me alone??

[RubyViola]

Social services have recently been involved due to my ex who was abusive stalking and harassing me. I moved 4 times and each time he found my new address.

This has been going on since I left him in February 2020 when our son was 9 months old. I have done literally everything I can to get help and it took the police 2 years to actually do anything. He was arrested 6 times but let go every time despite the fact the police had deemed him high risk. He has finally been charged and found guilty and is awaiting sentencing in the next few weeks.

I was initially happy that social services became involved as I was hoping it would help push the police but as it happened they were unable to actually do anything. They have put my son on a child protection order under neglect and initially stated that once he had been charged it would be stepped down to child in need.

The social worker comes twice a month and as they have no concerns about my parenting we have absolutely nothing to talk about. I work full time and am sick of having to take an hour off work usually on a Monday morning to talk about the weather. It's a waste of all of our time and surely her time could be better spent elsewhere.

My sons father has completely ruined the first few years of his life and now I feel ready to move on and start to enjoy life again I feel like this is holding me back. Every time the social worker calls it's like a reminder of everything he put us through and I just want to cry and scream. They have done nothing to help us and I just want them to fuck off and let me move on from this.

Is there any way I can legally disengage or dispute the child protection plan without looking bad? I would be more than happy to work with them if my son was at risk but I really feel that right now there causing more harm than good.

I crossed posts with you OP and another poster so you have answered some of what I have asked, but again, it may be that he won't serve 2 years even if convicted and sentences in the UK tend to run concurrently rather than consecutively. So, you might be convicted of 3 crimes let's say.

Crime 1: 12 months
Crime 2: 15 months
Crime 3: 18 months

That doesn't add up to a total of 45 months custodial if they're running concurrently. He'll serve the time of the longest sentence only. Do you get me? Sorry if that sounds patronising.

And in @JetTail 's scenario he'd be out in nine months minutes the 3 he's served on remand, so in six months time

Minus

But secondly, I'm inclined to agree with a pp (or maybe 2 posters) who suggested that you may not actually be entirely aware of how dangerous this man is. Police will have informed SS of things which you can not be informed of. For example if he has made specific threats or whether he may have a history of violence against women or children.

Fully agree with this. The reluctance to step back even though he is on remand, shows concern. Hopefully, you can move forward without SS involvement following his sentencing.

Totally agree with this - Social Services are not the wonderful angels everyone here seems to think. They can and do make mistakes that destroy innocent families, and they are never held accountable, and nearly every social worker I have met professionally and personally has been on a power trip. I’d definitely push to free yourself OP - it sounds like you are trying to move on with your life, and that you are doing a great job for your DS.

And yes, as another poster just mentioned, time served on remand is time served of any eventual sentence.

I would suggest that you don't take any of it personally. It's horrendous. I know that. But try to not see them as the enemy and box-ticking (and it's probably the latter to be fair to you) but try to hold your patience. Nobody would believe the level of scrutiny involved. Or the high standards required. It's fucking awful. I sometimes laugh at the posters on here saying the threshold for SS involvement being SOOOOO VERY HIGH that you must be abusing your child. They haven't a clue! But a lot of us agree with you and know what you're talking about. Please try to take comfort that I personally believe you and some other posters believe you too. x

I mean you could talk to the IDVA, explain to them that you don't understand the Monday meetings and want clarification. Ask for a copy of the CP plan via your IDVA. The IDVA will have a direct link to the social worker, so give her/him some work to do.

Also don't be affraid to tell the SS that Monday morning doesn't work could they do 4:30pm. Watch the visits drop off then 🤣. SS won't be aoo keen for a end of day visit "just to chat".

Even better ask for 4:30pm on a Friday 😏

Can you get them changed to when you're off work? It's quite disruptive to have to keep taking time off.

Thank you for expanding on what I was saying as I am not the best at explaining things sometimes.

I'm loving this one! 😂

I can't believe the patronising tones of some of these comments. Horrible.

Congratulations on leaving him and starting over.

It cannot be easy for you with him tracking you down.

You've obviously no intention of getting back together with him, I see why they're still concerned but I agree they need to back off on daily living.

Will she at least agree it isn't a great time for you if you've to leave work for the unnecessary appointment that could easily be done on the phone, maybe she could pop by in the evening if she insisted on a home visit.

OP can I ask why you need to move again? Is that personal choice or directly related to him? I'm just thinking that if SS can't understand why you're making another move, they will be inclined to err on the side of suspicion that he knows where you are again?

There is quite a lot of victim blaming on this thread.

Op sounds as though you are doing a great job as a parent in spite of the horrible circumstances. Good luck.

And just to say a long time ago, I was in the same position on both counts. Such good luck. I had to change my name and move to a totally new place but I didn't have kids at that time.

And, yes, social workers are not impervious to error, and battered women can be intelligent and good judges of their own and their children's needs.

Have you ever considered reading the fucking thread before being an utter fucking arsehole to an abuse victim asking for help?

@tomatoandherbs the OPs ex is not 'psychotic'!!
Psychotic means he would be in a state of psychosis ie seriously mentally unwell.
Those in psychosis actually rarely harm others.
Sorry to be picky but I suffer with symptoms of psychosis at times & my pet hate is when people mistake 'psychotic' for 'psychopathic'. Which is what I think you actually meant.

And please don't victim blame @RubyViola for having a child with her ex, that's ridiculous!!

Another thing to bear in mind OP is something I learned the hard way. I worked, I provided entirely for my child with no support from anyone. This was not interpreted as me being extremely capable! This was interpreted as me being vulnerable!! 😯

I'm not sure how much support you have, but external support is one of the things SS like to see. Family support or similar. It is acknowledged that mothers with very little outside support are more vulnerable to returning to an abuser. Contrary to proving how capable you are, being entirely unsupported is seen as a risk. So if you have family, friends or neighbours or therapy helping you along, you need to tell SS about this. Financial vulnerability is another one they don't like to see as if you're impoverished, you will go back to an abuser. Low self esteem, refusal to engage in suggested therapies, these are all red flags to social services. So, you tell them about your support system, what support you have etc. etc. You get the gist without me needing to spell it out. YOU HAVE support and tell them so. 🙃

Arrogance combined with idiocy isn't ever a good combination. 🙂

@JetTail I've had a look at the sentencing guidelines and he meets every single one of the aggravating factors and would be in the highest category (if everything is done correctly and the judge is thorough). I would be so disappointed if he gets concurrent sentences - I hadn't even thought about that so Thankyou .

This is the last address he found and was arrested shortly after - I have only just in the last month found another house to rent which will be vacant next week. SS are pleased that I'm moving and were shocked that I was able to organise this myself they really do treat people like they're incompetent

I'm so sorry that you have to keep moving. Do prepare yourself though for concurrent sentencing and time served on remand. Leniency is often involved if the cnut's solicitor can prove what a fucking exemplary arsehole the cnut is.

I'm wondering whether police might be the ones to assist you better than SS? It's a gamble as you don't know what is going to be used against you sometimes.

Have you family support? Are you in a good position financially? Have you engaged in any suggested therapies the 'experts' aka SS have put out there?

@JetTail yes my family have been great and my brother has been especially supportive and helped out with getting proper security for the house.

I'm okay with money, not well off but we don't struggle and we go to lots of activities and classes at weekends.

I did try the freedom programme but didn't find it useful

The problem here is actually the ex partner and father of the child. Instead of harassing the mum and child it would be more productive if SS and Police put as much effort into forcing the ex partner to see that he is wrong and to follow the mum and child is many different crimes. Police and Social Services need to deal with the offenders and not the victims.
I am not plucking this out of fresh air I have seen this so many times. I have seen cases through work and in newspapers.

I am inclined to think now that SWs find the mothers and children easier to talk to and influence more than criminally intentioned males.
The OP has moved so many times to get away from him she has shown clearly that she does not want him in her life or the child's life so why are SS upsetting the mum and child and not the perpetrator?

I can't offer any words of wisdom, but i really want to send you my very best wishes as you move forward