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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That social services should leave me alone??

142 replies

RubyViola · 02/05/2022 01:13

Social services have recently been involved due to my ex who was abusive stalking and harassing me. I moved 4 times and each time he found my new address.

This has been going on since I left him in February 2020 when our son was 9 months old. I have done literally everything I can to get help and it took the police 2 years to actually do anything. He was arrested 6 times but let go every time despite the fact the police had deemed him high risk. He has finally been charged and found guilty and is awaiting sentencing in the next few weeks.

I was initially happy that social services became involved as I was hoping it would help push the police but as it happened they were unable to actually do anything. They have put my son on a child protection order under neglect and initially stated that once he had been charged it would be stepped down to child in need.

The social worker comes twice a month and as they have no concerns about my parenting we have absolutely nothing to talk about. I work full time and am sick of having to take an hour off work usually on a Monday morning to talk about the weather. It's a waste of all of our time and surely her time could be better spent elsewhere.

My sons father has completely ruined the first few years of his life and now I feel ready to move on and start to enjoy life again I feel like this is holding me back. Every time the social worker calls it's like a reminder of everything he put us through and I just want to cry and scream. They have done nothing to help us and I just want them to fuck off and let me move on from this.

Is there any way I can legally disengage or dispute the child protection plan without looking bad? I would be more than happy to work with them if my son was at risk but I really feel that right now there causing more harm than good.

OP posts:
Onwards22 · 02/05/2022 09:30

You’re angry at the wrong person.

You’ve moved 4 times in the last 2 years and ex still found you.
I would absolutely be concerned if I was a SW.

Until he’s charged and in jail then they’re going to be on high alert.

I would have a chat to them about how you feel and see if it can go to every other week and if they have concerns then they can increase it again.

Do you have any support from family and friends where you are?
If not I’d really consider relocating to a completely new county or even country so you don’t have to worry about him any more.

Original poster
RubyViola · 02/05/2022 09:49

Thankyou for all the responses.

I believe he was put on CP under emotional neglect due to the risk of witnessing abuse. As I left very early on he didn't actually witness anything although obviously I recognise that he would have sensed the atmosphere.

I really haven't left anything out - my son is happy and well cared for. We now have a lovely house (which we are having to move from again Sad) holidays, toddler groups, nursery are happy with progress and the health visitor hasn't bothered to visit as she said it was unnecessary as there are no concerns.

Every meeting is the same - as he is now in custody there isn't anything to say. The meeting after he was potty trained that was all that was discussed for half an hour of a 40 minute meeting.

I'm moving boroughs next month and just really do

OP posts:
BewareTheBeardedDragon · 02/05/2022 09:51

You can be on a CP plan based on risk of an abuse category ie. neglect rather than active neglect.

I wonder if, as pp have said, the risk is that he finds you again?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/05/2022 09:52

i am surprised an SW is needlessly visiting
they have huge numbers on their case loads
just keep with the system

Original poster
RubyViola · 02/05/2022 09:53

I really don't want this following me.

I work very closely with childrens social services in the borough I'm moving to and can't imagine how embarrassing it would be if I end up working with the same social workers Blush

The next review is in 5 months although that will now be with different social workers u

OP posts:
BewareTheBeardedDragon · 02/05/2022 09:54

I also think you can ask SW to do telephone meetings with you and see your dc at their nursery. They need to see your child but I don't think they need to physically see you. You could schedule a telephone meeting during lunch break which would reduce burden on you.

Original poster
RubyViola · 02/05/2022 09:56

under the new borough who won't know me as well or fully understand the situation.

In regards to him finding my address, the police found a tracker on my car. I had been having it checked weekly at halfords after the first two addresses and nothing was ever found until a special unit was finally able to check properly.

Thankyou to all of your responses - I do have a solicitor as we're also going through family court and will have a look for an independent advocate

OP posts:
courtrai · 02/05/2022 10:00

Are you able to enter a SAR? There may be something on file you are unaware of

Onwards22 · 02/05/2022 10:04

When are you moving?

If he’s getting a custodial sentence he won’t be a risk, so could you hold off moving and once he’s in jail ask to stop the SS visits and then move?

I would definitely be asking to reduce the visits to EOW if there are no ongoing concerns.

I completely understand about wanting to just move on but they are doing what’s best for your child and even though it’s annoying and pointless you have to try and remember that.

PrincessPaws · 02/05/2022 10:08

Onwards22 · 02/05/2022 09:30

You’re angry at the wrong person.

You’ve moved 4 times in the last 2 years and ex still found you.
I would absolutely be concerned if I was a SW.

Until he’s charged and in jail then they’re going to be on high alert.

I would have a chat to them about how you feel and see if it can go to every other week and if they have concerns then they can increase it again.

Do you have any support from family and friends where you are?
If not I’d really consider relocating to a completely new county or even country so you don’t have to worry about him any more.

Do you genuinely think that moving to a new county or country will help if he is determined to find them?

And what about OPs work and support network? Should she just abandon all of that? She has to have some kind of life, not to mention some support if he found her again.

It really pisses me off that people seem to think it is so simple, just drop everything in your life and move countries!

Original poster
RubyViola · 02/05/2022 10:14

Onwards22 · 02/05/2022 10:04

When are you moving?

If he’s getting a custodial sentence he won’t be a risk, so could you hold off moving and once he’s in jail ask to stop the SS visits and then move?

I would definitely be asking to reduce the visits to EOW if there are no ongoing concerns.

I completely understand about wanting to just move on but they are doing what’s best for your child and even though it’s annoying and pointless you have to try and remember that.

Moving in 2 weeks - he's already in jail but hopefully will have been sentenced by then! There really is no way he's coming out.

I have asked about reducing the visits and the social worker said it was nice to come and see a family where there's not much to do Confused She's actually really lovely but that's not the point!

OP posts:
Branleuse · 02/05/2022 10:25

it can take ages for them to get off your backs. Tbh, it sounds like its not necessarily a bad thing for them to keep this open. Not because of you, but to help you access any support when he gets out of prison. Dont be too sure that he wont continually get away with it. Lots of courts dont give big sentances for abusers. I have a friend who is living through this.
I think SS should keep light-touch support with you.

Also I think the best way to get them to back off, is to ask for loads of support.

andweallsingalong · 02/05/2022 10:49

RubyViola · 02/05/2022 10:14

Moving in 2 weeks - he's already in jail but hopefully will have been sentenced by then! There really is no way he's coming out.

I have asked about reducing the visits and the social worker said it was nice to come and see a family where there's not much to do Confused She's actually really lovely but that's not the point!

Show quote history

Her comment makes me wonder if you're being too polite and she thinks you enjoy the meetings.

Have you told her it's a pita getting time off work and you want to get to a point where she is happy to stop face to face meeting ASAP?

Onwards22 · 02/05/2022 11:28

I have asked about reducing the visits and the social worker said it was nice to come and see a family where there's not much to do

I wonder if she’s more concerned than she’s letting on.
You wouldn’t visit someone just because there’s not much to do.

Or maybe she has been in your position before and wanted to see a friendly face do think you do too, although I think the visits would have been less regular.

With him getting sentenced you know they’ll soon back off.
It’s just a shame it can’t be before you move and have a fresh start.

The safeguarding lead I work with has had lots of SW and safeguarding involvement, like you not from something she’s done. But I don’t judge her and I don’t think anyone else judges her as it’s nice that someone has seen the other side of things, so it makes her better at her job.

Maytodecember · 02/05/2022 11:37

Do you know how your ex found you? It’s really important to take every step ( leaving SM, limited number of trusted people know where you live) to stop him finding you.
If you meet all the criteria pps have said ( food, toys, clean house and clothes etc) and you’re a loving, involved parent then talk to the SW, say you’d like involvement stepped down, you know how to call them in the future if you need support etc…
Hope your ex gets sentence he deserves and you and you dc find some peace.

TurquoiseSwirl · 02/05/2022 11:39

No suggestions, but having to keep moving is horrible, and you sound like a great mum. I can’t imagine what it’s like to live in fear of having to search for a tracker. I hope the sentence goes through and you get a fresh start. It’s hard to be under SS if you will be working with them, and having to tell new people, but hopefully they will have come across that before and I hope you get your new start. If someone said to me they were under SS for an ex that was now in jail and I had to move as he was tracking me, I wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

PumpkinsandKittens · 02/05/2022 11:43

I reckon they are more concerned than you think or there is more to this if he keeps finding you, how is that happening?

Pancakesbeforesunset · 02/05/2022 11:48

You've moved 4 times and he has found your address. So you are somehow making that information accessible to him. And now you want to move a fifth time? Confused

As for the seemingly boring conversations you're having with the social worker, I doubt they are just asking about the weather. They are likely trying to get a grasp on how things have been. This gives them an idea on what your child's life looks like Hmm

LeoOliver · 02/05/2022 11:48

I would advise against disengaging from social services at this may be used against you. It appears from what you wrote that social services are not concerned about your parenting but rather the risks your ex-partner poses to your child. Although, it is annoying to have social services involved it may be in your best interest until ex gets a custodial sentence. I wish you all the best.

RightOnTheEdge · 02/05/2022 11:57

In regards to him finding my address, the police found a tracker on my car. I had been having it checked weekly at halfords after the first two addresses and nothing was ever found until a special unit was finally able to check properly.
For the posters blaming the OP for the ex finding her!

allsorts1 · 02/05/2022 12:01

RightOnTheEdge · 02/05/2022 11:57

In regards to him finding my address, the police found a tracker on my car. I had been having it checked weekly at halfords after the first two addresses and nothing was ever found until a special unit was finally able to check properly.
For the posters blaming the OP for the ex finding her!

Yes once again for those in the back! Talk about victim blaming.

BadNomad · 02/05/2022 12:05

@Maytodecember @PumpkinsandKittens @Pancakesbeforesunset

OP said,

In regards to him finding my address, the police found a tracker on my car. I had been having it checked weekly at halfords after the first two addresses and nothing was ever found until a special unit was finally able to check properly.

PonyPatter44 · 02/05/2022 12:05

I wonder if your ex is MUCH more dangerous than even you are aware of, which is why social services are sticking around for now. If he is persistent enough to have found you four times and presumably continued harassing you, there may be other stuff that you don't know at this stage but which they ate concerned about.

Did you ever have a Claire's Law disclosure about him? Also, i say this a lot but if you have any contact from him while he is in custody, either directly or indirectly, please get in touch with the prison immediately. They can stop it, but need to know its happening in the first place.

Best of luck.

SteakExpectations · 02/05/2022 12:08

I’m really confused how you can feel that DC shouldn’t be on a CP plan when you’ve been at the meetings where the professionals involved have quoted the evidence as to why it meets the threshold of significant harm in order to qualify for CP.

If you’re not sure why it’s CP, speak to your social worker. Get them to clarify. But I’d also recommend that you take someone with you to the next review meeting to support you as from what you’ve said, it sounds like you’re not absorbing the information well and it’s important that you know exactly what’s going on to avoid you feeling like you do now, where you’re not sure what’s going on or when it will end.

Original poster
RubyViola · 02/05/2022 12:16

@Onwards22 thanks for your reply, that actually made me feel a lot better.

She's said that she can't reduce the visits as on a CP plan EVERY child must have a set amount of visits to avoid mistakes. I do understand that which is why I would like it to be stepped down as there's really nothing for them to do at this stage.

Even when I was hoping they would help they weren't able to do anything as I just needed the police to do their job!

OP posts: