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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That social services should leave me alone??

142 replies

RubyViola · 02/05/2022 01:13

Social services have recently been involved due to my ex who was abusive stalking and harassing me. I moved 4 times and each time he found my new address.

This has been going on since I left him in February 2020 when our son was 9 months old. I have done literally everything I can to get help and it took the police 2 years to actually do anything. He was arrested 6 times but let go every time despite the fact the police had deemed him high risk. He has finally been charged and found guilty and is awaiting sentencing in the next few weeks.

I was initially happy that social services became involved as I was hoping it would help push the police but as it happened they were unable to actually do anything. They have put my son on a child protection order under neglect and initially stated that once he had been charged it would be stepped down to child in need.

The social worker comes twice a month and as they have no concerns about my parenting we have absolutely nothing to talk about. I work full time and am sick of having to take an hour off work usually on a Monday morning to talk about the weather. It's a waste of all of our time and surely her time could be better spent elsewhere.

My sons father has completely ruined the first few years of his life and now I feel ready to move on and start to enjoy life again I feel like this is holding me back. Every time the social worker calls it's like a reminder of everything he put us through and I just want to cry and scream. They have done nothing to help us and I just want them to fuck off and let me move on from this.

Is there any way I can legally disengage or dispute the child protection plan without looking bad? I would be more than happy to work with them if my son was at risk but I really feel that right now there causing more harm than good.

OP posts:
Alliswells · 02/05/2022 12:17

Pancakesbeforesunset · 02/05/2022 11:48

You've moved 4 times and he has found your address. So you are somehow making that information accessible to him. And now you want to move a fifth time? Confused

As for the seemingly boring conversations you're having with the social worker, I doubt they are just asking about the weather. They are likely trying to get a grasp on how things have been. This gives them an idea on what your child's life looks like Hmm

Wtf . You're seriously blaming the op for her ex finding her? What is wrong with you??????????

Original poster
RubyViola · 02/05/2022 12:18

@Pancakesbeforesunset the visits are routine and have to be done for every child on a CP plan to avoid mistakes. She stays for exactly 30 minutes which is the minimum allowed time. My son is happy and thriving thanks..

If you saw my previous post you would see he had put a tracker on my car. I suppose that was obviously my fault as well Hmm

OP posts:
Equalbutdifferent · 02/05/2022 12:20

SteakExpectations · 02/05/2022 12:08

I’m really confused how you can feel that DC shouldn’t be on a CP plan when you’ve been at the meetings where the professionals involved have quoted the evidence as to why it meets the threshold of significant harm in order to qualify for CP.

If you’re not sure why it’s CP, speak to your social worker. Get them to clarify. But I’d also recommend that you take someone with you to the next review meeting to support you as from what you’ve said, it sounds like you’re not absorbing the information well and it’s important that you know exactly what’s going on to avoid you feeling like you do now, where you’re not sure what’s going on or when it will end.

This comes over as rather patronising. OP sounds like a competent and thoughtful woman who is asking valid questions in a system where if doesn't always feel safe to ask valid questions, especially if you are living with trauma.

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 12:23

I hope SS stay involved for as long as possible

MissMaple82 · 02/05/2022 12:31

Neglect isn't just about physicalities. Being in an abusive relationship when children are involved is considered child neglect, as you are failing to protect that child from violence. Seen as he's still causing a nuisance of himself, it would still be deemed as a risk of neglect still. This is because lots of women go back to their abuser, especially if they are persistent and harassing.

You need to discuss it with your social worker and explain how it's impacting you. I don't recommend disengaging, it will cause you more grief. It sounds like you are doing everything right, one day they will leave you alone. I've been through this so I know how it feels.

Justkidding55 · 02/05/2022 12:32

GreenIsle · 02/05/2022 02:38

I don't understand how your child is on this for neglect based on your ex partner (who doesn't see your child and would be more of a physical risk not neglect). This doesn't make sense if your the main care giver.

@GreenIsle probably because he kept finding them and sometimes this is because the victim caves and tells the abuser or let’s the information be leaked. They probably want
to check he won’t find out again. It’s considered neglect because it’s not safeguarding a child.

Original poster
RubyViola · 02/05/2022 12:33

@SteakExpectations thanks for your reply..

I'm confused why we are still considered at risk when he is in custody and will be serving a minimum of 2 years not including the additional charges. I will also be moving and there is no tracker on my car.

I had no issue with their initial involvement although they were no help at all - the police didn't respond to them and in the end I had to contact a different police officer I worked with and she had him in custody within 3 days.

I have a degree and am more than capable of taking in information thanks. My idva also attends the meetings and is disappointed that it hasn't been stepped down yet so I'm not alone in thinking it's unfair

OP posts:
HerculesMulligan · 02/05/2022 12:36

It must be hard when it throws up bad memories, OP, but to try to reframe it for yourself as something more than just an inspection/hoop to jump through, could you start trying to treat the SW visit as a half-hour for you to tell someone all the great things about your child and as appropriate, pick their brains on stuff where they're the expert (local surestart opportunities etc), picking the topics so that it doesn't make you look inept. I reckon that might make it easier to bear.

Original poster
RubyViola · 02/05/2022 12:39

@MissMaple82 I completely understand all of this but I left him almost 2 years ago when my son was still very little and they are aware of how he found my address.

I haven't had a proper conversation with him (that wasn't me calling out from the window that I've called the police) in nearly a year. There is absolutely no way I would get back with him (or be in another relationship Envy) and this would be very clear to them as I have contacted the police every single time I have had any kind of contact from him.

I agree that I won't disengage but I hope it's over soon Confused

OP posts:
Kennykenkencat · 02/05/2022 12:40

SteakExpectations · 02/05/2022 12:08

I’m really confused how you can feel that DC shouldn’t be on a CP plan when you’ve been at the meetings where the professionals involved have quoted the evidence as to why it meets the threshold of significant harm in order to qualify for CP.

If you’re not sure why it’s CP, speak to your social worker. Get them to clarify. But I’d also recommend that you take someone with you to the next review meeting to support you as from what you’ve said, it sounds like you’re not absorbing the information well and it’s important that you know exactly what’s going on to avoid you feeling like you do now, where you’re not sure what’s going on or when it will end.

Given the ex is now in prison and the threat has been removed what evidence is there to suggest that the Ds might need protection from RubyViola

Original poster
RubyViola · 02/05/2022 12:45

@tomatoandherbs why do you think this? I'm genuinely interested to hear your perspective as there may be something I'm missing

OP posts:
Kennykenkencat · 02/05/2022 12:46

RubyViola How long has your ex been in prison and if he is going to get 2 years (probably do 1 year with good behaviour) Could he end up walking away from court or within a few weeks having taken account of time served

TheImposterAmongUs · 02/05/2022 12:47

I hate to break it to you, but if you move boroughs, IME it might actually make the process longer, because the new local authority will need to do their risk assessments etc.

As a side note, I hate people who have no experience with Social Care involvement chiming in about 'well you mustn't be telling the whole story'. I work for a partner agency and wouldn't take a social worker's word as gospel like MN seems to do.

GiantSweetcorn · 02/05/2022 12:50

Sorry if I'm repeating things, I haven't read all of the advice given...

If your move means you will be in the jurisdiction of a different children's services then they have to hold a "transfer child protection conference". I can't remember the timeframes off the top of my head, but possibly within 15 working days of your social worker completing the transfer request - possibly 1 month. Keep asking your social worker whether they have done the referral yet and when the conference will be held.
You can use this as an opportunity to make your case for stepping down - if they don't agree you could also request a short review period (3 months rather than 6), with the argument that he will have been sentenced at that point. I can't see that they have threshold for a CP plan continuing on the information you've given - and generally a new conference chair will scrutinise more whether threshold is met at transfer in as they know different councils can assess risk differently.
You also shouldn't be having to take time off work for every visit - if you are working standard hours I would think it's reasonable for at least every other visit the social worker is adjusting their hours to visit when you get home - not you having to miss work.

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 12:51

Prior to having a child with him
the relationship was positive and absolutely no hint that this man was highly abusive to the point of psychotic?

Original poster
RubyViola · 02/05/2022 12:55

@Kennykenkencat only 3 months at the moment and the 2 years are from a previous suspended sentence he was given from December. He's been found guilty of stalking and 2 breaches of restraining order and there is a further case as he continued to breach after being charged. I'm not expecting him to be away forever but given the sentencing guidelines I've been advised he should be serving at least 2 years in custody (not including time out on license)

OP posts:
JetTail · 02/05/2022 12:55

Two things. I know how stressful SS involvement can be from personal experience. It is horrendous. It's almost like they're saying that you're not fit to be a mother and their involvement is counter-productive.

But secondly, I'm inclined to agree with a pp (or maybe 2 posters) who suggested that you may not actually be entirely aware of how dangerous this man is. Police will have informed SS of things which you can not be informed of. For example if he has made specific threats or whether he may have a history of violence against women or children.

What is the charge which you have been told carries a minimum of 2 years custodial? Is that the minimum sentence or the minimum he'll serve even with good behaviour?
Also, he's in custody pending trial. Nothing in law is guaranteed.

I would ask a lot more from the cops actually. I would ask under Clare's law or whichever one of those it is that allows you to be told about his previous. Is he awaiting sentencing or awaiting trial? Are the charges or convictions related to you or something else? Has he ways and/or means of getting to you? Are you a witness in any trial against him?

Original poster
RubyViola · 02/05/2022 12:56

@GiantSweetcorn Thankyou - this was really helpful Smile

OP posts:
milkyway100 · 02/05/2022 12:56

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 12:51

Prior to having a child with him
the relationship was positive and absolutely no hint that this man was highly abusive to the point of psychotic?

You seem to want to blame the OP for the fact her ex is a violent, deranged stalker ?

JetTail · 02/05/2022 12:57

TheImposterAmongUs · 02/05/2022 12:47

I hate to break it to you, but if you move boroughs, IME it might actually make the process longer, because the new local authority will need to do their risk assessments etc.

As a side note, I hate people who have no experience with Social Care involvement chiming in about 'well you mustn't be telling the whole story'. I work for a partner agency and wouldn't take a social worker's word as gospel like MN seems to do.

Agreed. It is always trotted out here that the threshold for SS involvement is really high. It's not! You can't sneeze!

Sunflower07 · 02/05/2022 13:00

I agree with everything GiantSweetcorn has suggested. If they do make a plan then you should ask for a copy of the appeals process. I know in the LA where I work the LSCB and head of safeguarding review the appeals.

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 13:00

I absolutely do not want to blame the op

I am merely supportive of SS remaining involved in this situation whilst it is still very much live and ongoing

Original poster
RubyViola · 02/05/2022 13:01

@tomatoandherbs no we we're together for nearly 3 years and he was lovely, had a good job and was seemingly normal. When I was 3 months pregnant he quit his job, started smoking and it all spiralled from there. It's actually very scary how well people can hide. I've read quite a few books about different personality disorders since leaving him and it's terrifying. I will not be getting into another relationship any time soon and it's really made me question a lot of things about people in general

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 02/05/2022 13:02

RubyViola · 02/05/2022 12:39

@MissMaple82 I completely understand all of this but I left him almost 2 years ago when my son was still very little and they are aware of how he found my address.

I haven't had a proper conversation with him (that wasn't me calling out from the window that I've called the police) in nearly a year. There is absolutely no way I would get back with him (or be in another relationship Envy) and this would be very clear to them as I have contacted the police every single time I have had any kind of contact from him.

I agree that I won't disengage but I hope it's over soon Confused

I completely agree and understand. They way they are looking at it though is if he's still finding you, the child is at risk of being exposed. Personally, I'd try and move to a whole completely new area, like, put miles between you. You'll never be at peace until your somewhere he doesn't know you are. My ex found me once when I'd moved, I do understand. Whilst he's in custody take the opportunity to move as far away as possible.

RewildingAmbridge · 02/05/2022 13:03

Hi OP
I work in the justice system, it's very difficult to secure a stalking conviction as opposed to harassment , threats to kill, Mal Comms etc , stalking is also an incredibly high risk indicator of domestic homicide. This will be why social care are all over this, also because police failed to act so many times this case will have additional scrutiny, essentially if something goes wrong there will be a serious case review/domestic homicide review so they will now be ensuring your case is managed to the highest standard. Despite all of this I have known a number of serious remand cases, especially in DA and sexual offending (entrenched misogyny in the system) where on the day they are suddenly released from custody due to time served on remand and no one in professional services was expecting it. Hopefully this won't be the case in your situation, but it will be why they won't reduce from CP before sentencing.

On the other side, so many people I work with as colleagues in the same field, have been on your side of things, it doesn't impact their professional reputation. We are all aware this is the fault of the perpetrator not the victim.

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