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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel phoning my parents is a duty rather than a pleasure.

128 replies

TasticFantastic · 01/05/2022 19:02

I'm the daughter, brother is two years younger.
Grew up with lots of 'my house, my rules' one rule or expectation for girls, another for boys.
Younger brother is definitely golden child to the point we joke about me being No 2.
So teen years pretty grim, couldn't wait to leave home. This is making me a better parent to my own teens
Now in my late 40s
I hate the duty phone call, I hate the parenting advice, the relentless talk about people I haven't met. The bitching about relatives, the adoration of my feckless, lazy brother.
The pity party because she hates not being able to go on expensive cruises, how eating soup from Waitrose is such a chore.
I now minimise the amount of information I give her because it gets spread around the family or totally judged in her standard way. Eg ' interviewed on BBC2, shame it's not on BBC1'

AIBU, tried drinking, tried playing stupid phone farming games, each phone call gets more duty like. I know their past, their background how tough it was for four years in the 70s but I feel their 'respect your parents' has killed any love and I find their small talk really boring.

OP posts:
Lemons1571 · 02/05/2022 17:20

TurnOverANewPage · 02/05/2022 12:23

I feel the duty/guilt phone call. My parents have actually in the past been truly horrible to me. But I've still always done the dutiful stuff, helped them, take them to appointments, call them etc.

I resent them, more as they become elderly because all of my anger is because of events in the past. If I had my time again, I'd have cut contact about 13 years ago, when they really hurt me but at the time I was going through some stuff and I just couldn't add that to the mix at that time.
I can't bring it all up for closure now because they are old and will behave like they are being attacked. But my phone calls are much less frequent now. I see them less and I'm ok with that. In all honesty, I hate them.

I resonate with the being angry because of events in the past. I am angry at my remaining parent who was the enabler, not really because of their age related irritations now, but because they were never a engaged and supportive parent when I was growing up.

I will never get closure, as narc tendency parent died 13 years ago. But you know what, if that parent hadn’t died and was still alive now, it wouldn’t have changed anything. I would never have got my moment when they realised their limitations and we could finally work through what needed to be worked through. They could never grasp accepting responsibility for any poor parenting on their part. Refused counselling as “it’s pointless as I want someone to tell me what to do, not ask leading questions”. Always blamed me for the depression they had when I was 4. How “they supported me and this is how I repaid them” (I was 4 for fucks sake).

So any posters who think you should put up with crap or try and make amends / things better because they’ll be dead one day - it just doesn’t work like that with fixed mindset slightly codependent narc parents. You’re just banging your head against a brick wall, as they are not capable of fair and balanced emotionally intelligent thinking.

AnastasiaRomanov · 02/05/2022 17:43

Lemons1571 · 02/05/2022 17:20

I resonate with the being angry because of events in the past. I am angry at my remaining parent who was the enabler, not really because of their age related irritations now, but because they were never a engaged and supportive parent when I was growing up.

I will never get closure, as narc tendency parent died 13 years ago. But you know what, if that parent hadn’t died and was still alive now, it wouldn’t have changed anything. I would never have got my moment when they realised their limitations and we could finally work through what needed to be worked through. They could never grasp accepting responsibility for any poor parenting on their part. Refused counselling as “it’s pointless as I want someone to tell me what to do, not ask leading questions”. Always blamed me for the depression they had when I was 4. How “they supported me and this is how I repaid them” (I was 4 for fucks sake).

So any posters who think you should put up with crap or try and make amends / things better because they’ll be dead one day - it just doesn’t work like that with fixed mindset slightly codependent narc parents. You’re just banging your head against a brick wall, as they are not capable of fair and balanced emotionally intelligent thinking.

Show quote history

so very true.

Original poster
TasticFantastic · 02/05/2022 19:14

Thank you everyone for all your thoughts. It's weirdly comforting that others feel the same because in public I'm sure most of us keep quiet but that's what anonymous forums are for.

My heart goes out to those with rotten childhoods or as a contrast those who miss their parents.
Being aware of our relationships can only make us better people.

OP posts:
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