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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel phoning my parents is a duty rather than a pleasure.

128 replies

TasticFantastic · 01/05/2022 19:02

I'm the daughter, brother is two years younger.
Grew up with lots of 'my house, my rules' one rule or expectation for girls, another for boys.
Younger brother is definitely golden child to the point we joke about me being No 2.
So teen years pretty grim, couldn't wait to leave home. This is making me a better parent to my own teens
Now in my late 40s
I hate the duty phone call, I hate the parenting advice, the relentless talk about people I haven't met. The bitching about relatives, the adoration of my feckless, lazy brother.
The pity party because she hates not being able to go on expensive cruises, how eating soup from Waitrose is such a chore.
I now minimise the amount of information I give her because it gets spread around the family or totally judged in her standard way. Eg ' interviewed on BBC2, shame it's not on BBC1'

AIBU, tried drinking, tried playing stupid phone farming games, each phone call gets more duty like. I know their past, their background how tough it was for four years in the 70s but I feel their 'respect your parents' has killed any love and I find their small talk really boring.

OP posts:
SantiagoSky · 02/05/2022 04:29

I think I found my tribe. I like so many of you have weekly video calls with my mum where she will hold monologues about what all the people she met that week told her. I keep information to a minimum because i don’t want her broadcasting my news to everyone she knows :( It’s tiring and sad.

ShirleyJackson · 02/05/2022 04:59

I could have written your post a few years ago, @onedayiwillmissthis.

Your nickname doesn’t ring true in my case. I’m shocked to admit, I don’t miss it at all.

It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with that, but it is what it is, and here we are.

Parents reap what they sow.

ShirleyJackson · 02/05/2022 05:01

Sorry, that was to @

ShirleyJackson · 02/05/2022 05:02

Good Lord, this new site.

It was for @TasticFantastic .

expat101 · 02/05/2022 05:26

Do you get the opportunity to tell them what you/family are doing? Something they can ask about next time, or at least you can remind them that you told them last week Your Emma was awarded this or that or went where ever.

Sometimes the Oldies just fill in the gaps with neutral stuff because they have nothing else to say or fear saying something ''wrong''.

I found myself doing it with a Cousin, wasn't allowed to talk about her BF/relationship, wasn't allowed to talk about her food dis-order, her work wasn't enjoyable so she didn't want to think about that... so I would just prattle on talking shite, feeling a sense of responsibility to keep in touch and let her know I was thinking of her.

I email my DM, that seems to work out better and I can pick what I'm going to engage with.

SquirrelG · 02/05/2022 05:35

Your parents don't sound abusive, and a lot of what you have said about them applies to many parents - they do get a bit absorbed by their own lives as they get older. Surely a phone call every now and again isn't that difficult. Just remember that you will have adult children yourself some day - and while you might think you are parent of the year they might see it differently and you may well find they don't want to phone you. As long as you don't let your parents know how you feel about the calls no harm is done - but YABU to come onto MN and moan about it.

marvellousmaple · 02/05/2022 06:13

@redskyatnight
Lolling at "my life is not any better for having them in it".
I guess except the whole not being alive bit.
OP Don't phone your mum if she bores you. Maybe you bore her too. Who knows?

KangarooKenny · 02/05/2022 06:14

42isthemeaning · 01/05/2022 23:18

I say this kindly, but you could call them?

Show quote history

I could but they wouldn’t answer, too busy. Trust me, I’ve tried.
I text both of them yesterday, had half a conversation with one - I’m still waiting for the reply to a question. Funnily enough she could text when she wanted to borrow money recently, that I’ve not had back.
The other I had no reply from. Yet I know that both are constantly attached to their phones.

KangarooKenny · 02/05/2022 06:16

Presumably all these children who can’t be bothered to phone once a week will be happy to take their inheritance.

Lightning020 · 02/05/2022 06:29

Why not just stop ringing if you get nothing out of it op?

SoManyTshirts · 02/05/2022 06:34

KangarooKenny · 01/05/2022 21:09

I’m a mum waiting for a call to let me know they’re still alive and ok.

This is me. DS is happy to put FaceTime on every fortnight or so while we are both cooking tea, we don’t always have lots of news but it’s like sharing a kitchen - and it’s being able to see that he’s well and happy that counts. He only shares what he’s comfortable with me knowing, and that’s fine.
DD is inclined to drop off the radar since I stopped financing her and it does hurt. (She doesn’t need money).
I see my own mother frequently and we can talk more freely now than we did when I was in my 30s.

SquirrelG · 02/05/2022 06:43

Presumably all these children who can’t be bothered to phone once a week will be happy to take their inheritance.

I was thinking the same thing! Imagine if the money was left to a neighbour or friend who could be bothered with them - the kids would be on MN in a trice complaining about their "rights".

CorsicaDreaming · 02/05/2022 07:14

@onedayiwillmissthis - you literally stopped calling both your daughters and blocked their numbers after you thought you once heard impatience in their voices during a phone call?

There is either a lot more to that story, or that was the most extraordinary and heartless thing to do - especially just after their Dad had died.

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 02/05/2022 07:25

"would the majority of posters who find it a chore say they were close and had a good relationship with their parents when they were younger?"

Yes, absolutely. I had a really great upbringing and have always got on really well with my mum.
But when I was a teenager she was working full time, and had me and my sister to keep her busy.
She's not retired well if I'm being honest. She doesn't have any major hobbies or interests to fill her time. She's become increasingly routine-obsessed, so there's no spontaneity or variety in her life. She's become increasingly obsessed with frugality and saving a few pennies here and a few there - and she doesn't need to, she's got a decent pension. She's always been envious and judgemental of others, but with older age that's turned into a real mean streak and she comes across as very bitter - being spiteful about people's looks and choices and so on.
I suppose, now I'm an adult with my own life, I find her very provincial and, yes, I hate myself for thinking that.

CorsicaDreaming · 02/05/2022 07:31

User310 · 02/05/2022 00:27

These comments are really sad. I regularly call mine just to have a chat and update them on things happening. I dread the day I can longer ring up and tell my mum about a new paddling pool I bought the kids.

would the majority of posters who find it a chore say they were close and had a good relationship with their parents when they were younger?

Same as you @User310 - my Mum and I don't always see eye to eye and we've had some spectacular bust ups over the years, but I love her, she's my mum and we speak regularly (at least weekly) and text, etc. I know I will really miss her when she's gone.

But the OP sounds like she could really do with more distance from her DP and allow herself to step back quite a bit.

rookiemere · 02/05/2022 07:44

I don't enjoy phoning my DPs, it is a chore and tbh I just treat it as such and reward myself with a cup of tea afterwards and sometimes I scroll through mumsnet if the conversation gets too repetitive.

Thankfully they live an hour away and are self sufficient and much easier to talk to in person than on the phone so I visit pretty frequently.

I moan to my cousin about it as she has similar with her DM - worse actually as my DAunt has always had a vicious tongue - and get on with my day.

I wouldn't not phone them as it is important to DM as she's still worried about covid so doesn't have much else to do with her time.

Squeezedsquash · 02/05/2022 07:46

I’m always staggered about those people who say “I ring my mum every day” as I struggle to know what to speak to her about on a weekly basis. They’re not unkind, but politics and religion are off the menu, they ask generic questions like “how are the children”rather than “and how is bob’s swimming”, and I know my news is then just traded further. They’ve recently moved and are lonely and my sibling lives overseas so it will all come down to me in the future.

rookiemere · 02/05/2022 07:49

Oh and I had a perfectly good relationship with my DPs growing up, although we were not ones to share much important information.

I just happen to be menopausal, exhausted by work and a teenager going through exams. I'm happy to do my duty and phone my DPs but sorry just not a good enough person to enjoy the mostly monologues and cherish the time speaking to them. In person visits are different- I'm acutely aware we may not have much time left ( or another 10 years who knows) so I make a conscious effort to keep conversation positive and try to avoid unpleasant topics of conversation.

KangarooKenny · 02/05/2022 07:52

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 02/05/2022 07:25

"would the majority of posters who find it a chore say they were close and had a good relationship with their parents when they were younger?"

Yes, absolutely. I had a really great upbringing and have always got on really well with my mum.
But when I was a teenager she was working full time, and had me and my sister to keep her busy.
She's not retired well if I'm being honest. She doesn't have any major hobbies or interests to fill her time. She's become increasingly routine-obsessed, so there's no spontaneity or variety in her life. She's become increasingly obsessed with frugality and saving a few pennies here and a few there - and she doesn't need to, she's got a decent pension. She's always been envious and judgemental of others, but with older age that's turned into a real mean streak and she comes across as very bitter - being spiteful about people's looks and choices and so on.
I suppose, now I'm an adult with my own life, I find her very provincial and, yes, I hate myself for thinking that.

Could it be that she’s trying to save money so she leaves more for you ?
Also, she might be concerned about having to pay for good care if she needs it, or having to pay for big repairs on her house/car. It’s worrying as to where you get money for big things like a new boiler when retired.

rookiemere · 02/05/2022 07:55

@KangarooKenny can't we ever take posters at face value. My DPs moan about the cost of things and I pity poor tradesmen who they resent paying the going rate for any job.
I can assure you they have absolutely no money worries and are very personally generous to us. I think it's more that the cost of things has risen and they find it hard to reconcile this with previous costs and worry that people are trying to rip them off.

Robin233 · 02/05/2022 08:10

@SoManyTshirts

This is me. DS is happy to put FaceTime on every fortnight or so while we are both cooking tea, we don’t always have lots of news but it’s like sharing a kitchen - and it’s being able to see that he’s well and happy that counts. He only shares what he’s comfortable with me knowing, and that’s fine.
DD is inclined to drop off the radar since I stopped financing her and it does hurt. (She doesn’t need money).
I see my own mother frequently and we can talk more freely now than we did when I was in my 30s.
^^^
I'm very similar
Ds very close , will ring for chats regularly.
Dd never.
Still trying to figure it out.

TheQuern · 02/05/2022 08:12

PlasticineMeg · 02/05/2022 00:51

But I was THIRTY before she told me that my grandad was evacuated from Normandy on D-Day. A really important part of history I could never then ask him about, and she spent decades telling me about Christine’s bunions.

Why am I crying with laughter at this?

Lemons1571 · 02/05/2022 08:14

@expat101 I wish I could tell my mum stuff but I get 6 words in and then get loudly talked over.

eg. “Today was a big day for DD3, she walked home from school on his own and on the way she…/“

am cut off mid sentence by

”I hear school children walk post my house at 8am, think they’re going to the secondary school, I also heard that boy who lives 3 doors down making a noise, you know the one with the rough mother that has had the police round more than once…”

aarrrgghhh

My father couldn’t tell you my job title. He could tell you the intricacies of the job description of next doors nephews girlfriend who lives in Dubai.

i also limit what I start to say as it gets exhausting being talked over. Shame really as she misses out on so much information and learning about our lives.

diamondpony80 · 02/05/2022 08:15

If it's that bad I wouldn't do it. When they're gone will you regret not spending more time talking to them? If not, then I guess there's no point in wasting your time, if that's what you feel it is.

crossstitchingnana · 02/05/2022 08:19

This is so sad. I feel a sense of duty when I call, otherwise I get the "it's been so long I thought something has happened" comments. Well, you can call me you know. I find talking to mine in person much, much better. They are getting on now so their lives are quite full so there is nothing much to talk about. We spent fifteen minutes talking about their new wash basket the other day.

But, I love them and I remember when we used to have more interesting conversations. My nana was the same. I would talk to her and I would get gossip about people I had never met, over and over.

I want to connect with my parents and as I live far away I endure these calls. I hate to think of my own children feeling that way when they leave home.