to feel phoning my parents is a duty rather than a pleasure.

[TasticFantastic]

I'm the daughter, brother is two years younger.
Grew up with lots of 'my house, my rules' one rule or expectation for girls, another for boys.
Younger brother is definitely golden child to the point we joke about me being No 2.
So teen years pretty grim, couldn't wait to leave home. This is making me a better parent to my own teens
Now in my late 40s
I hate the duty phone call, I hate the parenting advice, the relentless talk about people I haven't met. The bitching about relatives, the adoration of my feckless, lazy brother.
The pity party because she hates not being able to go on expensive cruises, how eating soup from Waitrose is such a chore.
I now minimise the amount of information I give her because it gets spread around the family or totally judged in her standard way. Eg ' interviewed on BBC2, shame it's not on BBC1'

AIBU, tried drinking, tried playing stupid phone farming games, each phone call gets more duty like. I know their past, their background how tough it was for four years in the 70s but I feel their 'respect your parents' has killed any love and I find their small talk really boring.

Loving your parents just because they are your parents is absurd. Abusive and neglectful parents don’t deserve the love and attention many of them demand and expect. Hard to call your parents when they show absolute no interest in your life

Personally I limit myself to a duty phone call once every 2 or 3 weeks, depending on how emotionally robust I feel, and spend most of it silently mouthing ‘I don’t care, you’re a twat’ over and over again while she complains and criticises for forty minutes without drawing breath or asking me a single question about myself.
Some mothers don’t deserve your love.

I don't call. Ever. I live close enough that I can pop in or meet for lunch once every 2-3 weeks, that's all I can do.
DH does the ironing when he's on the phone to his Mum - two chores for the price of one! 😅

I voted YANBU because your parents sound awful. Thankfully my parents were not like that and I love them dearly. Mind you, I message mine on whatsapp more than actually speaking! Easier that way!

WhatsApp or message

This is a little unfair! Comments like this are fuel for non-specific guilt and anxiety. It isn't very constructive

Winged, to be honest, I'm still working on it. I miss the close family we were, life is not as I imagined.

But, content, is very much preferable to that feeling of emptiness that I would inevitably end up feeling after they did call. My heart broke when I lost my husband. There is nothing left of the woman & mother that I was. I had nothing more to give them.

I'm pretty sure that many of the parents mentioned by PP are aware of how they are viewed.

But...convention, expectations, tradition & fear keep us all playing our roles.

I'd do something nice at the same time - a favourite drink or run a bubble bath so it's ready for afterwards- change the associations.

Unfortunately I've come to the conclusion that I didn't love my dad by the time he died, because I don't miss speaking to him. I did my best to keep going though and tried to meet him on his own ground on the phone. Laughing at particularly characteristic moans can occasionally help - try to turn it into more of a joke.

Find it hard too op. Negative negative no interest in our kids. I do minimal visits. No help over the years. Then you get told she your mother. People dont really get it if they have easy parents.. 80.

Oh for goodness sake, give over 🙄🙄

You cut contact with your own children all because they didn't welcome many phonecalls from you?? Wow.

Ffs

And yet so many on here happy to do the same and wishing they didn’t have to talk to their mothers. As sad as I find it, I can completely understand why she would, who wants to feel like a burden?

@JustHereWithMyPopcorn I imagine there's some sort of personality clash or problematic relationship that results in people not wanting to ring their parents though? I was always happy to ring my Mum, because she was a lovely person and didn't constantly criticize or moan at me. My Dad, however, has always been difficult, and I know I'm not the only person who finds him challenging!
He can be absolutely horrible when he's in a bad mood or extremely moany. When he's being nice, however, it's fine, I just never know what I'm going to get as he takes out his moods on me!

Omg I hate all the - make the most of them crap. Yes give over. We don't all have great relationships with our parents and that sanctimonious rubbish really doesn't help one bit.

This. We have a family watts app. Brilliant way to keep in touch in a light and superficial way. No need for the hideous 'line up with siblings on a Sunday to speak to our grandparents' hell. I adored my grandparents but when I was a child in the 70s I got up, went to school, came home,played outside, had tea ,went to bed. Every single day. I had literally nothing to say about my week, it was the same as every single other week from 5 to 16. I feel your pain Op. Smart phones and watts app will free you from this

Whatsmyname100. No. Actually I very rarely phoned them, I knew they were busy.

I did not wish to be that boring, annoying, pain in the arse, tedious burden as described by the many PP on this post (not the first time these views have been aired over the many years I have been here).

Sometimes that's a good thing. Stop talking in B&M wooden plaque quotes.

What an unbelievably irrelevant response

Hope you're ok. Sorry to hear this.

Interesting thread. I've recently decided to take some distance from the duty calls - I feel no need or particular reason to talk to any of my family to be honest. They are not the worst, but have shown me coldness, inconsideration and disrespect. When we speak to each other it's like we speak different languages/live on different planets, there's so little in common. Why facilitate such relationships?

I have a really good relationship with my mum and always have, because I manage my exposure to her - 2 night stays as a maximum and only approx 6 times a year. I blame this on "work".
The expectation is that I phone her once a week and it's been this way since I left home at 18 (I'm now 38). She has never once phoned me in 20 years, even on my birthday.
The phone calls are BONE-CRUSHINGLY BORING. I've always phoned on a Sunday but in recent years I've switched to sometimes phoning on a Monday or Tuesday instead in an effort to break up the dreary routine.
As two adult women, we have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I'm common. Mum sits indoors watching TV shows that I have no interest in, shops for bargains in Aldi, and meets the odd friend or family member for a coffee. Whereas I like the outdoors - hiking, cycling, running and so on. She doesn't like to hear anything about these interests and anything I try to tell her will be met with an uninterested "Hmmm".
On our calls she tells me about who has recently been diagnosed with cancer, or died. She also seems to live through others without seeming to do much of anything at all herself.
I always think, as long as she never knows that I feel this way - and she never will - then she's never going to be hurt and there's no harm done.

Yes, unless there's some sort of back story here that is a very extreme reaction.