to feel phoning my parents is a duty rather than a pleasure.

[TasticFantastic]

I'm the daughter, brother is two years younger.
Grew up with lots of 'my house, my rules' one rule or expectation for girls, another for boys.
Younger brother is definitely golden child to the point we joke about me being No 2.
So teen years pretty grim, couldn't wait to leave home. This is making me a better parent to my own teens
Now in my late 40s
I hate the duty phone call, I hate the parenting advice, the relentless talk about people I haven't met. The bitching about relatives, the adoration of my feckless, lazy brother.
The pity party because she hates not being able to go on expensive cruises, how eating soup from Waitrose is such a chore.
I now minimise the amount of information I give her because it gets spread around the family or totally judged in her standard way. Eg ' interviewed on BBC2, shame it's not on BBC1'

AIBU, tried drinking, tried playing stupid phone farming games, each phone call gets more duty like. I know their past, their background how tough it was for four years in the 70s but I feel their 'respect your parents' has killed any love and I find their small talk really boring.

my dm doesnt mind calling me like clockwork, but golden sister, only calls at a specified time, once a week

I’m with you OP. I am now NC with my own mother but before I was I used to do it.

Couple of times a week and it became apparent after a few months I was not good enough to chat to on the phone as she’d make excuses to not talk but would bitch to high heaven I hadn’t called.

can’t have it both ways.

grandmother is exactly the same and she’s so wrapped up talking about cousins and their kids and I honestly don’t give a shit that little davey started school and he wears a blue uniform with a little tie. My DC has started school and has the exact same but you never ask about DC.

sack it off. You might regret talking with the more but be really clear with yourself what that ‘talking’ means to you.

are you talking about them and you and plans and wishes and exciting things you’ve learned then carry on. It’s enriching your life and you’ll miss it.

if it’s all complaints and nonsense and idle gossip that you have no connection to (gossip can be good if you know the people!) then it’s wasting your time and more vampiric in nature and sapping of your energy it’s not worth it and you won’t regret the phone call ‘hangover’ when they’re gone.

Re having a good relationship or not, I have a good relationship with my DM but find calls tedious. I find calls with my DF much easier and we do have a problematic relationship - face to face meetings are extremely difficult and have often ended in arguments and tears. But on the phone we talk about things like the news, travel. Stuff that is easy to have a mutual discussion about. And if he starts to get critical, I can find a reason to end the call. Calls aren’t too long. With my DM, it’s the monologues others have mentioned. Face to face I tend to get the same initially, but then we start talking about whatever it is we’re doing, where we are, etc. I enjoy her company - just not the wittering about supermarkets and neighbours!

I think there are two things going on here. One is posters who have difficult or outright bad relationships with parents (and I know about this from experiences with my DF), and the other is the tendency of some people, especially when getting older and regardless of how lovely they are as people, to monologue about trivia in endless detail. In both cases - but for different reasons - it really doesn’t help trying to guilt-trip. Yes, one day my mum will be gone and it will be terrible, and I’ll no doubt feel guilt and regret about all sorts of things. Unfortunately, knowing that that does not transform a monologue about the John Lewis website into a treasured experience.

@KangarooKenny Could it be that she’s trying to save money so she leaves more for you ?
Oh absolutely. And that kills me! I'm sorted - I've got a good job, nice house and savings. I'd dearly love her to spend her money on herself and make herself happy instead of living through other people. She doesn't have the means to leave me a life-changing sum of money.

Both my parents are narcs, liars, users and abusive. I’ve decided to cut them out of my life last year and feel so much happier. Their deaths would a relief.

I talk to my DD on the phone once a fortnight unless there is something I think she ought to know. The call usually lasts around 2 minutes as neither of us do small talk and we prefer to message each other in between times. The only reason I call her is she has suffered depression and anxiety in the past so by hearing her voice, rather than just reading a text, I know when she says she is "ok" that she really is.
My mother would always insist that I call her once a week when she would just moan about my dad, the neighbours, the world or one of my siblings. I vowed not to be "that" parent when DD moved away.

It shouldnt be a chore but not all families like the Waltons. We dont enjoy my mum company very negative. Friends stop arranging things with her. They get self absorbed too. Always mean when I was younger and put me down. Hate the treasure your mum comments. My siblings find her difficult too. 80s

Actually I'm not sure what's wrong with treating it like a chore. That way it's on the to do list, DPs get their call, and I feel relieved when it's over.

It's a bit like when DS was young and I found bath times or whatever hard, and you'd get some bright spark saying that you should treasure them as when they're older they won't want you to do it.

Well yes, but doesn't make it any more enjoyable at the time.

would the majority of posters who find it a chore say they were close and had a good relationship with their parents when they were younger? I don't find it chore speaking to friends who aren't emotionally draining, so probably not. Growing up with the constant criticism and judgment from my Mum lead to me having suicidal ideation whilst I was still in primary school. I found it hard to develop friendships with people as she'd even judge my classmates on who were the 'right sort' for me to be friends with. She refused to take me to a doctor to try to get me help, telling me I would be taken into care and other such things.

Some days I just can't deal with her when my mental health isn't good. I'll take the call to check there's not been an emergency, but will invent a reason why I can't chat for long, then call her back when I'm feeling more equipped to deal with her. She's not a terrible person, does a lot to help charities, neighbours etc. I know she probably has her own reasons why she's so emotionally detached from her own children, so I try to give her some grace.

I see my mum regularly and we have easy chats, also message to each other often. But I think I would struggle with a scheduled phone call, it would feel forced and I wouldn’t know what to talk about. I find messaging so much better as you can pass information or news as things come to mind and reply at your leisure.

So much solidarity for this thread.

Mine also monologue, talk over me, show no particular interest in my life but I get a blow by blow account of everyone else's health conditions. My Mum in particular has a nasty streak, gossiping and criticising friends/family, anyone really. My Dad just sits on his arse watching the same programmes day in/day out - incidentally he's only 72!

I think it's such a great shame that my Dad in particular is so disinterested in his children and grandchildren. It's like his world has shrivelled so much and what truly excites him is how many meals he can make out of one chicken.

I hope my children will never feel they have to call me if they don’t want to. They can when they’ve time, which is sometimes every day, sometimes I don’t hear from them for weeks.

Not sure why according to some I have to love my mum just because she’s my mum. I call out of a sense of duty and I help when she needs help, but I don’t have to like her or love her just because she’s family. She talks over me, she never asks about my life and has never been interested in my kids, but will tell me about a TV show for hours!

Presumably all these children who can’t be bothered to phone once a week will be happy to take their inheritance. I was thinking the same thing! Imagine if the money was left to a neighbour or friend who could be bothered with them - the kids would be on MN in a trice complaining about their "rights".

I can't say it would bother me in the slightest. It's her money, if she wants to give it to Bob from number 28, her Church, or the cat rescue then I'll honour her wishes. What I would really appreciate from her is for her to just say'I love you' or 'I'm proud of you', that costs nothing. I've told her I love her in the past and she just replies with 'err that's nice'!

My dad is the same. He got cross because I called at 8.45pm and was angry because 9pm is too late to start watching anything on the telly, because they have to watch the press preview on the new channels. I asked why they needed the next days news, given neither of them are journalists or commentators or policy makers. There was no reply. 🙄

The inheritance is interesting. If it all went elsewhere I'd be less upset now than in my 30s or 20s. I suspect my childless, unhappy, brother will somehow manipulate the situation and end up with most of it.
I've did witness my parents working hard but the endless repetition of how hard the late 70s were have completely hardened me. I'm happy for them to spend their retirement funds enjoying themselves. However the endless cruises, including a round the world one, get a little much.
Covid is seen totally through its effect on cruising.
In contrast they never acknowledge our bad patches, - the early 90s weren't great, then wage stagnation, short term contracts etc.
And our yearly UK break, generally four nights, is quickly talked over about their previous holiday there.
So it's become a vicious circle, we don't confide, they don't listen. And he phone cal isn't a conversation.

You LOL away; it was fairly clear that I meant my life now.
Or actually my life since about age 10 as that was when my mother lost interest in me as "children aren't so interesting once they develop minds of their own" (a pattern she's repeated with her grandchildren).

Re inheritance. Couldn't care less. I'm constantly expected to feel grateful for the money my parents spent on me as a child, I really don't want any more from them.

Redsky I feel the same. You reap what you sow. My aunt finds my mam difficult so that says it all. I cant win. Any time I ring its not right time. So yes its a chore now

I don’t have this with my parents but really struggle with grandparent phone calls. I think when you’re tired with work and small children it’s hard. Phonecalls are basically moaning through a list of medical issues and then talking about people I don’t know / haven’t seen for 30 years. They never listen really or ask how I am 🤷‍♀️ they won’t be around forever and I do love them but to be honest I don’t think I’ll miss the phonecalls! (Could be wrong!)

Best time to ring is just before a programme they like. Emmerdale! Keeps it short and sweet as they’re dying to get off the phone 🤣

I feel the duty/guilt phone call. My parents have actually in the past been truly horrible to me. But I've still always done the dutiful stuff, helped them, take them to appointments, call them etc.

I resent them, more as they become elderly because all of my anger is because of events in the past. If I had my time again, I'd have cut contact about 13 years ago, when they really hurt me but at the time I was going through some stuff and I just couldn't add that to the mix at that time.
I can't bring it all up for closure now because they are old and will behave like they are being attacked. But my phone calls are much less frequent now. I see them less and I'm ok with that. In all honesty, I hate them.

I don't do it all. I'm not phoning anyone just to be talked at.

I get that. My parents weren’t truly horrible, but stuff they did has caused my depression and anxiety through my whole life and I’m angry about that, but couldn’t bring it up now because my mum is old, lost my dad five years ago.

Reading this thread I’ve noticed that there are quite a few stories that counter that old ‘a son’s a son until he takes a wife’ thing.

Which I suppose doesn’t show much except that all families are different and gender stereotypes are stupid!

@MissChanandlerBong80
Exactly
It totally turns it on it's head.
And I know a few mums who sons are close and daughter are 'gone with the wind'

Agree. I think parent/child relationships with adult children are far more down to individual personalities and/or relationships growing up than as simple as "of course daughters are closer to their mothers" (which isn't true for me in the sense both that my brother is closer to my mother than I am; and that DH is closer to his mother than I am to my own).