Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you think of this situation and who's being unreasonable?

205 replies

HillProp · 30/04/2022 19:52

John is married to Lisa who he shares DC with. He also shares DC with Kate (so Lisa's DSC). Lisa works part time (although not massively part time to be fair!) due to young DC so tends to take on more childcare for all of the children than John.

Whenever there is an argument between John and Lisa, one of Lisa's responses is that John do X Y or Z for his own kids from now on. For example: 'You can cook for your own kid from now on' meaning her DSC. She will say this even if DSC are there.

Lisa's DSC have told their Mum, Kate, about this who has now told John she's annoyed about this and thinks it's cruel of Lisa. DSC generally like Lisa and they get on well typically.

Lisa feels like John leaves a lot of his children's care to her and this is her retaliation when things blow up between them although it isn't always actually anything to do with the DC but this is her way of 'getting to him', by refusing to do anything for his older DC.

Who's unreasonable?

Lisa for using DSCs care as a means to punish John?

Or Kate for having a go at John about this comment?

Or options 3.. John for putting too much onto Lisa in relation to his older DC?

OP posts:
Topgub · 30/04/2022 19:54

All of them

RamsayBoltonsConscience · 30/04/2022 19:56

Topgub · 30/04/2022 19:54

All of them

Yes, this!

Original poster
HillProp · 30/04/2022 19:57

Okay option 4... All of them 😂

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 30/04/2022 19:59

Lisa is saying shitty things in front of DSC.

John is taking the piss getting Lisa to do too much of what is HIS responsibility.

Kate has done nothing wrong by feeling aggrieved but shouldn't have "had a go" at John, but rather should have calmly discussed.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/04/2022 19:59

Lisa and John need to sort their shit out away from the DC. Blowing up is unhelpful and clearly unproductive.

John needs to step up and parent his DC. He’s taking the piss leaving more to Lisa than she’s okay with.

Kate is trying to protect her DC. She should cut Lisa some slack because they’ve both had kids with useless John.

Hellocatshome · 30/04/2022 20:01

I'm all for Lisa telling John to pull his weight but don't think its fair to be dividing the kids up as "our children" and "your children". Surely Lisa would still end up having to cook for her kids if John cooks for his so it seems a petty request. I suggest Lisa in future tells him "you can cook for the kids im too busy"

CoffeeLover90 · 30/04/2022 20:02

I can understand why Lisa would snap. I can understand why Kate would have mentioned the comment, especially if it had upset DC. I cannot understand why John is agreeing to have DC if he's not free to take care of them himself. If I was Kate I would be very grateful to Lisa for helping but would expect John to be pulling his weight for his own children.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 30/04/2022 20:02

Lisa's wrong to say it in front of the kids. After that there isn't enough detail.

TheSnowyOwl · 30/04/2022 20:04

Lisa needs to calmly discuss this with John and he needs to carry out his responsibilities.

ChesterDrawsLouLou · 30/04/2022 20:04

Hi Kate

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 30/04/2022 20:05

@CoffeeLover90 i actually don't understand your post. Why Kate should be grateful for Lisa looking after her kids for John is beyond me. Also why is John agreeing to have his kids? Eh because he's an obligation to raise them? Whether he minds them, a childcare provider or Lisa is between him and Lisa and Kate doesn't need to be grateful.

IncompleteSenten · 30/04/2022 20:07

Lisa shouldn't say this stuff in front of the children and John should be more of a father and take care of his kids.

teacherorpreacher · 30/04/2022 20:14

Lisa for talking like that in front of dsc. John for not pulling his weight. Poor sc

Darbs76 · 30/04/2022 20:15

All but saying that in front of the kids is the worse of them all

User310 · 30/04/2022 20:16

lisa and John both unreasonable.
lisa because it is cruel to say that I from of step children and John because he shouldn’t be so lazy with his parenting in the first place.

I absolutely agree with Kate, she is the only one of them out of the three outing the child first.

MiddleParking · 30/04/2022 20:21

The worst by some distance is you for not just asking the question properly. Other than that I have most sympathy with Lisa.

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 30/04/2022 20:30

ChesterDrawsLouLou · 30/04/2022 20:04

Hi Kate

This!

sheepandcaravan · 30/04/2022 20:32

Well they are all johns kids......

So saying cook for your own is fairly pointless.

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 30/04/2022 20:37

I'm guessing Kate that you've only heard one of the 3 sides of the story, and of course only told us one too, even if pretending to tell it "fairly". So it's pretty hard to make an unbiased call

ExMachinaDeus · 30/04/2022 21:12

John.

If he actually patented his DC instead of leaving it mostly to Lisa, she wouldn’t get so annoyed that she retaliates in the way she dies. She shouldn’t do it in front of her DSC though. And John’s ex should keep out of it. Lisa’s behaviour is none of her business.

Merryoldgoat · 30/04/2022 21:15

Lisa.

Freddiefox · 30/04/2022 21:25

Option 5 John cuts his hours so he’s is more available for all dcs and present if he’s need to cooK and Lisa increases her hours

Ponderingwindow · 30/04/2022 21:27

Lisa and John shouldn’t be fighting in front of the kids. Disagreeing and healthy debate are different than fighting. Modeling those discussions can be good for kids. That isn’t what is going on here.

kate is standing up for her kids being exposed to inappropriate arguments.

john is probably expecting his current and likely to become ex-spouse to do too much for his older kids, because that is just the way these these tend to go.

stopwaitingforpermissiontobeyou · 30/04/2022 21:27

I don't agree wh PP. I think you're Lisa.

Lisa shouldn't he saying things like that and involving kids in her town's. John and Lisa need to sort it out.

Kate is not in the wrong for sticking up for her kids.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 30/04/2022 21:28

For Lisa to say shit in front of the children means she's just a shit person.
But everyone isBU