To ask what you think of this situation and who's being unreasonable?

[HillProp]

John is married to Lisa who he shares DC with. He also shares DC with Kate (so Lisa's DSC). Lisa works part time (although not massively part time to be fair!) due to young DC so tends to take on more childcare for all of the children than John.

Whenever there is an argument between John and Lisa, one of Lisa's responses is that John do X Y or Z for his own kids from now on. For example: 'You can cook for your own kid from now on' meaning her DSC. She will say this even if DSC are there.

Lisa's DSC have told their Mum, Kate, about this who has now told John she's annoyed about this and thinks it's cruel of Lisa. DSC generally like Lisa and they get on well typically.

Lisa feels like John leaves a lot of his children's care to her and this is her retaliation when things blow up between them although it isn't always actually anything to do with the DC but this is her way of 'getting to him', by refusing to do anything for his older DC.

Who's unreasonable?

Lisa for using DSCs care as a means to punish John?

Or Kate for having a go at John about this comment?

Or options 3.. John for putting too much onto Lisa in relation to his older DC?

Lisa who uses her partners children to get to him.

All the adults involved need to grow up.

Seems to me that Lisa is sick and tired of having to look after someone else's dc as well as her own, and she feels that she's being taken for granted. I don't agree with what she said, and especially not in front of the dsc, but I suspect that she has reached the end of her tether with John, who should be parenting his own child when it's his turn, and not fobbing the poor kid onto Lisa all the time.

Kate was right in bringing this up with John, as he is the other parent.

Lisa sounds most unreasonable from your OP. It's probably actually John, but there's not enough info about him.

Poor kids.

Grown adults need to sort this out so that children don’t get made to feel resented and cuckoos in their father’s home.

There is no excuse for Lisa carrying in like that in earshot of the kids.

John needs to not take Lisa for granted. Lisa needs to see that if John’s work enables her to look after her own kids, it is work that also means he is spending less time with his own. He came into their relationship with those kids. She works p/t.

But he needs to do his fair share too.

I don’t blame Kate for being angry.

John is the worst, but Lisa needs to not mentally harn SDC when she's angry with John. Saying he can cook for all of his children, as they are all HIS DC, would make more sense and not single SDC out. John and Lisa also need to stop arguing in front of the DC.

Let's not excuse Lisa's actions here.

John should do more, wtf he's the father. I hate lazy fathers it pisses me off.

Lisa shouldn't use DSC to get at John esp if DSC is present - poor kid, that's abusive. But I hate how women seem to have to think for some men, but if she needs help she needs to tell John to help out more and be specific, even give him specific jobs.

Kate is rightly feeling hurt for her child but she's letting John off the hook. She should be telling him to do more to help.

I have most sympathy with Lisa

Same. John sounds useless and needs to parent his own kids.

If John said that about Lisa's kids, would it be OK?

@stopwaitingforpermissiontobeyou

Lisa's kids are also John's kids, so no. He needs to parent all of his own kids. Lisa needs to do the same. The DSC aren't Lisa's kids.

If John said that about Lisa's kids, would it be OK?

To clarify as some poster's seem to be misunderstanding, Lisa doesn't have any other children other than those she shares with John.

'Lisa' is definitely wrong to use the DSC as a weapon, especially in front of them. If she thinks 'John' isn't doing enough, I'd be cute & say 'You can cook dinner for the kids then' or 'You're on childcare duties then' FOR ALL THE KIDS!! They're all his - he can have them. Then there's no favouritism.

Hannah has six sweets.

John has too many kids.

It’s between the two of them to sort out. Massively unreasonable to be saying this in front of the kids though, really awful.

*Who's unreasonable?

Lisa for using DSCs care as a means to punish John?

Or Kate for having a go at John about this comment?

Or options 3.. John for putting too much onto Lisa in relation to his older DC?*

What's interesting to me here is, if option 3 didn't exist (ie if John just looked after his own kids and stopped taking the piss expecting Lisa to), neither Lisa nor Kate would be pissed off on the first place. It's all on him, imo.

@SpindleInTheWind

😆😆😆

😂

what happened to adults actually thinking of whats best for the children rather than tit for tat behaviour ?

🤷
Not excusing her at all, her lashing out in the moment is not ok, as I said she's causing mental harm to SDC. I don't see any problem with her saying it's John's turn to cook for all the kids or that she needs a moment and he's looking after DC while she has a breather. They both need to sort their arguments out when DC aren't there. Ultimately responsibility to ensure DSC come to no harm belongs to John, he's the father, he should be stepping up. Kate shouldn't have needed to say anything and shouldn't be putting it all on Lisa, the toxic environment is at least as much John's fault.

Who's unreasonable?
John

Hannah should trade 3 of her sweets for 3 of John's children. Then all the children will have a sweet and no one will have too many children.

Plenty of info about him right here:

Lisa feels like John leaves a lot of his children's care to her

That's all I needed to read. He's unreasonable.

John is a gobshite who needs to address his work pattern to look after his own children. Ffs.

Lisa should go back full time, do 50% of everything and no more and think about why Kate left him.

kate should wind her neck in.

Lisa needs to not mentally harn SDC when she's angry with John. Saying he can cook for all of his children

those poor children. Mentally harmed by the thought of their father cooking for them. Whatever will become of them.