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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask what you think of this situation and who's being unreasonable?

205 replies

HillProp · 30/04/2022 19:52

John is married to Lisa who he shares DC with. He also shares DC with Kate (so Lisa's DSC). Lisa works part time (although not massively part time to be fair!) due to young DC so tends to take on more childcare for all of the children than John.

Whenever there is an argument between John and Lisa, one of Lisa's responses is that John do X Y or Z for his own kids from now on. For example: 'You can cook for your own kid from now on' meaning her DSC. She will say this even if DSC are there.

Lisa's DSC have told their Mum, Kate, about this who has now told John she's annoyed about this and thinks it's cruel of Lisa. DSC generally like Lisa and they get on well typically.

Lisa feels like John leaves a lot of his children's care to her and this is her retaliation when things blow up between them although it isn't always actually anything to do with the DC but this is her way of 'getting to him', by refusing to do anything for his older DC.

Who's unreasonable?

Lisa for using DSCs care as a means to punish John?

Or Kate for having a go at John about this comment?

Or options 3.. John for putting too much onto Lisa in relation to his older DC?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 30/04/2022 22:42

All of them.

John should stop sticking Lisa with the childcare. Then Lisa wouldn’t be pissed off at John.

Lisa shouldn’t say things in front of children that are hurtful to them.

Kate should stay well out of it.

Sofielou · 30/04/2022 22:43

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 30/04/2022 22:41

Lisa needs to not mentally harn SDC when she's angry with John. Saying he can cook for all of his children

those poor children. Mentally harmed by the thought of their father cooking for them. Whatever will become of them.

😂

ImTheFuckOffCar · 30/04/2022 22:45

caecilius1 · 30/04/2022 22:33

Who's unreasonable?
John

This 👆
John needs to take care of his children and stop expecting everyone else to fill in for him.

howtomoveforwards · 30/04/2022 22:56

John need to take responsibility for the day to day ‘management’ of his children when they are in his care. Lisa needs to step away from helping him as a permanent measure. The DSC should not be subjected to Lisa’s rants - that is unacceptable.

SoggyPaper · 30/04/2022 22:59

ImTheFuckOffCar · 30/04/2022 22:45

This 👆
John needs to take care of his children and stop expecting everyone else to fill in for him.

Show quote history

Yes.

it’s almost always the John on this kind of situation who is the problem.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 01/05/2022 01:10

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 30/04/2022 22:41

Lisa needs to not mentally harn SDC when she's angry with John. Saying he can cook for all of his children

those poor children. Mentally harmed by the thought of their father cooking for them. Whatever will become of them.

🤣 thinking this is mine, not what I was saying. If she singles out SDC like currently that's harmful, it's othering, so she should tell him he's cooking for everyone or at least all the DC, step or not.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/05/2022 01:30

Sounds like John needs to do more cooking, cleaning and parenting.

If he was doing his share, he wouldn't be so reliant on Lisa for the care of his older DC.

I would be willing to bet quite a lot that Lisa does many more hours work a week than John, when domestic labour is taken into account.

greenlynx · 01/05/2022 01:48

John and Lisa are very unreasonable, they should sort it out between themselves without DC present. We can’t say how fair their arrangements are but if one of them is unhappy they should talk sensibly not to wait until “whenever there is an argument between” them.
Kate was right to raise this, it’s shitty comment on front of SDC. And it looks like a regular comment rather then one off, which makes it worse.

WildCoasts · 01/05/2022 03:52

John needs to step up more. Lisa probably has good reason to feel used but shouldn't be 'othering' the step children and saying things like that in front of them. I can understand why Kate spoke up behalf of her children.

timeisnotaline · 01/05/2022 04:05

Lisa should just go back to work full time and leave John to do the majority of the parenting. That’s what I’d be doing. She clearly resents being the major carer and fair enough when she doesn’t have any kids of her own, why did she set that up in the first place??

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 01/05/2022 05:28

DropYourSword · 30/04/2022 19:59

Lisa is saying shitty things in front of DSC.

John is taking the piss getting Lisa to do too much of what is HIS responsibility.

Kate has done nothing wrong by feeling aggrieved but shouldn't have "had a go" at John, but rather should have calmly discussed.

bad all round, but honestly there aren’t many families that don’t have some drama.

Clymene · 01/05/2022 05:33

Lisa works part time to look after he own kids. John needs to step up

JemimaPiddleDick · 01/05/2022 05:52

John and Lisa are arseholes for bickering in front of the kids

Uhohwhoops · 01/05/2022 05:52

John is most at fault. Sounds like he puts too much of childcare onto Lisa and she's becoming resentful. But all adults involved are to blame.
Lisa shouldn't say things like that in front of DSC but can see her frustration at the situation. Not sure how old Lisa's DC is but if they are younger she may have her hands full there and is feeling its too much.
I may be wrong but assuming you are kate in this situation, you may have only heard one side of things.
I think it's unfair of Kate to be annoyed at Lisa, DSC is not her child and if John is putting all the parental responsibility onto her during visits I can see why she's miffed off. It is supposed to be John's time with his older child not Lisa's.
Sounds like Lisa does a lot for DSC and I think Kate needs to have a word with John and tell him to take care of his child without bringing Lisa into it.

Herejustforthisone · 01/05/2022 06:42

I think poor Lisa sounds at the end of her rope with the layabout John and being stitched up with doing free childcare for Kate and him. She shouldn’t have said something in front of the kids but I am assuming it’s indicative of how much she’s trying to get him to sort his shit out and how much she’s had enough.

k1233 · 01/05/2022 06:45

John is an arsehole for not pulling his weight.

Lisa is a bitch for using the step children as a weapon, even more so doing it in front of them - unless reference to doing chores for his own kids means all kids, not just SC.

Kate probably wishes her kids didn't have to spend time at John's if he's leaving the majority of their care to Lisa.

MadameFantabulosa · 01/05/2022 06:55

Lisa is sick of being taken for granted for childcare by John and Kate (particularly John) and lashed out. She knows she shouldn’t have done it in front of the kids, and is slightly sorry, but is at the end of her tether.

redfairy · 01/05/2022 07:19

Which one are you OP?

SoggyPaper · 01/05/2022 07:38

I doubt the OP is Lisa, despite the list being full of speculation about her feelings and motivations.

Is your child difficult to feed and will complain even when someone has gone to the trouble of catering for them separately? Is John likely to insist that Lisa does loads of work and then side against her because the child is unhappy? Does John ever cook for the child at all?

is John a lazy, Disney dad who leaves all the work to the women around him? Is he hugely critical despite doing none of the work? Does he have form for family avoidance? Is he fucking off for a long bike ride and leaving Lisa to look after everyone?

Is your child a teenager who knows they can report things to you and you’ll get riled up?

Have you only got the decontextualised version of events through their account? Or one that’s supplemented by a man who will seek to make his wife the villain (so he isn’t)?

So many different possibilities in which a man being told that he should cook for his child might look very different. Let’s face it, it’s not a scenario where anyone is going to have a fair overview of what’s actually going on.

That said, whatever is going on would probably be solved by John taking responsibility for meals (and other household labour). Then Kate wouldn’t need to worry.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 01/05/2022 07:39

Mostly John.
Lisa comes in a close second.

MoggyP · 01/05/2022 07:45

Options 1 and 3

Their DDad has primary responsibility to ensure its running well.

The SM is being a shit to the DSC, she should definitely bite her tongue and never say anything like that in front of the DC - take the action by all means, but never bring DC into it by having the row in front of them.

I don't see that the DSC's DMum has done anything wrong in highlighting an issue that is bothering the DSC

splishsplashsploshsplish · 01/05/2022 07:47

So who are you in this scenario OP?

over2021 · 01/05/2022 07:50

John for leaving the bulk of the childcare - particularly with DSC- to Lisa. Lisa for saying something like that in front of the kids as it's divisive amongst the siblings as well as being hurtful.

I can't see what Kate has done wrong in this situation - she's heard something concerning and raised it with John as the other parent- so don't know why the first responses were 'all of them'!

knittingaddict · 01/05/2022 07:51

ChesterDrawsLouLou · 30/04/2022 20:04

Hi Kate

😀

SoggyPaper · 01/05/2022 07:54

MoggyP · 01/05/2022 07:45

Options 1 and 3

Their DDad has primary responsibility to ensure its running well.

The SM is being a shit to the DSC, she should definitely bite her tongue and never say anything like that in front of the DC - take the action by all means, but never bring DC into it by having the row in front of them.

I don't see that the DSC's DMum has done anything wrong in highlighting an issue that is bothering the DSC

Except, with the info given, there’s no way of knowing whether she’s just pulling it out of nowhere or if it’s a response to John having created an argument in front of the children.

for example, it looks different if this is the context:

John: You never make the right food. Olivia wanted pepperoni pizza but you made a plain pizza. <further rant about how awful Lisa is>.

Lisa: maybe you should cook for your child from now on then.

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