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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband gaslighting me about holiday?

139 replies

Ilovemybike88 · 30/04/2022 19:15

My husband and I went out for what was supposed to be a lunch date whilst our son was at a play date. Started nice enough however I casually mentioned that in 3 weeks time we have our short holiday booked & we should start to think about a few things we want to do whilst we are away. We are staying in an air bnb by the coast for 3 nights. This is our first child free holiday in about 9 years as our son is going away that same week on a school residential trip. I was so excited. This was a much needed break for the two of us to reconnect after what has been a very difficult period. Anyway when I brought it up he replied ‘I have got to work that week you know, I’ll have to take my laptop and work for a few hours each day’ When I questioned this his reply was that he had already told me this. He 100% did not tell me, I think i would have remembered. He could tell I was upset but was kept repeating that he had told me. He has not booked the time off, he has only marked it in his diary as ‘working remotely’. I am gutted, I was really really looking forward to this holiday. He has now down played the whole thing & is saying that I shouldn’t have assumed he was booking the time off work & this holiday isn’t a big deal. I am gutted but also furious that he is saying he told me something that he didn’t . The holiday meant a lot to me but it obviously didn’t mean the same thing to him, am I right to be upset? And is him telling me that he told me he would be working gaslighting or am i over reacting?

OP posts:
Exhaustedcog · 30/04/2022 19:17

Maybe he is worried he wouldn’t be allowed time off and didn’t want to disappoint you? Saying that I don’t know if he is a workaholic or not!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/04/2022 19:23

That's shit. Something that you had been looking forward to and has upset you, you would have remembered. It would be weird if he told you once and you said 'ok that's fine' and told you again and you had a completely different reaction.

Why doesn't he want to take time off? Is it too late to book it now? Even one day? If he is working remotely then surely you will be on your own most of the time?

tableanadchairs · 30/04/2022 19:23

I guess he is not as keen as you to reconnect
can you go with a friend instead?
Failing that l would cancel

Giraffesandbottom · 30/04/2022 19:24

Gaslighting is so overused on here it’s ridiculous.

he didn’t tell you because he didn’t want to argue about it. No, it’s not nice of him. He’s been a bit of an idiot. He’s not gaslighting you.

ZenKaleidoscope · 30/04/2022 19:25

Can you uninvite him and bring a good friend instead? Is it too late to cancel and book yourself a nice spa break instead?

Have you spelt it out to him why it means a lot to you?

pictish · 30/04/2022 19:28

I’m going to guess that if he was a sterling chap the rest of the time, you’d be more accepting of this apparent miscommunication.
Something tells me he has form for this sort of thing and this time he’s really pissed you off.

katmarie · 30/04/2022 19:30

pictish · 30/04/2022 19:28

I’m going to guess that if he was a sterling chap the rest of the time, you’d be more accepting of this apparent miscommunication.
Something tells me he has form for this sort of thing and this time he’s really pissed you off.

This is spot on. If he was a normally decent guy you'd be worrying if he was having memory issues and concerns for his health etc. Does he normally prioritise work over your relationship?

ChocBloc · 30/04/2022 19:33

Can you cancel? Waste of time going really.

NrlySp · 30/04/2022 19:36

It’s not gaslighting. It is very upsetting. I think you should still go but organise lovely things to do yourself during the day - walks, spa day, shopping etc.
the you can have a nice breakfast and dinner with him when he isn’t working.
don’t cut off your nose to spite your face

SoggyPaper · 30/04/2022 19:41

If he’s just going to be working, it’s not a holiday. Why would you book to go away and not take time off work.

I’d go on my own instead rather than put up with him working in an Air B&B. Or cancel and take myself off somewhere else.

SirYawnsAlot · 30/04/2022 19:42

Still make your list of things to do and have some quality 'me time'. While he is hunched over his screen, go for that paddle and lunch out. If he feels he's missing out and doesn't want to be left alone. Tough.

Glenthebattleostrich · 30/04/2022 19:44

Sod that, I'd go alone and have a long think about if I want a relationship where Im clearly so far down the priority list.

If you book a few days away it is clear you should book time off work. If you can't get the time you discuss options.

Billybagpuss · 30/04/2022 19:52

Surely it’s not too late to book the holiday off?

Sleepeatrepeat · 30/04/2022 19:52

Sorry I am going to massively miss the point of this thread...but how far from home will you be? All the "t&c's" for every school trip either my dd or my dsc have been on have required parents to remain local (and someone sober) in case of an emergency.

BattenburgDonkey · 30/04/2022 19:55

I can’t see how it’s ‘gaslighting’ but it is very annoying. Did he say why he’s not booked it off?

Ducksurprise · 30/04/2022 19:59

for every school trip either my dd or my dsc have been on have required parents to remain local and sober

You have got to joking, all parents I know either go away, often abroad, or certainly are not fit to drive when kids on residential. Just needs someone to act in loco parents.

RealBecca · 30/04/2022 20:04

I dont think you're overreacting or misusing gaslighting. You both presumably booked a holiday which any rational person would assume means that you would both be booking time off to go together. Unless he said at the outset which you would remember.

I also think he should be more invested in going. It sounds like the straw that breaks the camels back.

Idontlikecricketiloveit · 30/04/2022 20:04

Sleepeatrepeat · 30/04/2022 19:52

Sorry I am going to massively miss the point of this thread...but how far from home will you be? All the "t&c's" for every school trip either my dd or my dsc have been on have required parents to remain local (and someone sober) in case of an emergency.

When I read the OP I just knew someone would say this 🙄
Op he is gaslighting you by trying to make you doubt and question yourself as to whether he told you he was working or not.

filka · 30/04/2022 20:12

Did you discuss before booking that it was a great opportunity for quality time together and to reconnect, or did you just think that? If you aren't on the same page now, I just wonder if you ever were (about the holiday).

jackstini · 30/04/2022 20:14

I would be really pissed off with this

I have sometimes had to take my laptop when we go away but have always discussed it up front (& I get up much earlier than the rest so just do a couple of hours then if I need to!)

He definitely hasn't told you, you absolutely would have remembered. As he is telling you he has, he is both lying and gaslighting

Do you still want to go?
Can/will he even ask for the time off?
If he won't, how does that make you feel?

Seems like you are each placing very different priorities on your relationship, which is feeling rubbish for you Flowers

7eleven · 30/04/2022 20:16

Maybe he did tell you but you weren’t listening? Maybe you didn’t hear him? You can still have a lovely time.

Eddielizzard · 30/04/2022 20:16

The gaslighting bit is him telling her that he had already told her and she knew he'd have to work when he hadn't.

OP, If he does have form for this sort of crap, go on your own and use that time to unwind and think.

Knittingchamp · 30/04/2022 20:16

I think you need to spell it out to him how badly you need to reconnect and that you feel as of you are both struggling a bit in your relationship. Maybe he's just not getting it.

RishiRich · 30/04/2022 20:20

That sounds rubbish and I would be upset too. Why doesn't he want to spend quality time with you?

Bobbybobbins · 30/04/2022 20:26

This would really piss me off too OP. My DH has his own business and is a bit work obsessed at times. He always brings his laptop in holiday but we have very clear discussions about when he can/can't do work, and definitely not every day!

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