Husband gaslighting me about holiday?

[Ilovemybike88]

My husband and I went out for what was supposed to be a lunch date whilst our son was at a play date. Started nice enough however I casually mentioned that in 3 weeks time we have our short holiday booked & we should start to think about a few things we want to do whilst we are away. We are staying in an air bnb by the coast for 3 nights. This is our first child free holiday in about 9 years as our son is going away that same week on a school residential trip. I was so excited. This was a much needed break for the two of us to reconnect after what has been a very difficult period. Anyway when I brought it up he replied ‘I have got to work that week you know, I’ll have to take my laptop and work for a few hours each day’ When I questioned this his reply was that he had already told me this. He 100% did not tell me, I think i would have remembered. He could tell I was upset but was kept repeating that he had told me. He has not booked the time off, he has only marked it in his diary as ‘working remotely’. I am gutted, I was really really looking forward to this holiday. He has now down played the whole thing & is saying that I shouldn’t have assumed he was booking the time off work & this holiday isn’t a big deal. I am gutted but also furious that he is saying he told me something that he didn’t . The holiday meant a lot to me but it obviously didn’t mean the same thing to him, am I right to be upset? And is him telling me that he told me he would be working gaslighting or am i over reacting?

It’s not gaslighting. And relax and take the mornings to yourself. Don’t overthink it and spoil your own holiday. Just enjoy your break and then meet up and enjoy the time together later.

Feeling a bit misogynistic tonight, aren’t you!

To give a different outlook. I am self employed and run a successful business single-handedly. I recently went on a 2 week trip to Orlando and I took my work diary with me. I was organising appointments and responding to clients, ordering stock and working on accounts etc.
why? Because it’s my livelihood. Did I run this by my OH? No. He is very aware that I need to keep on top of things so ensure my income. I had an amazing holiday and I’m already planning my next for later this year where I will again, take my diary and work while away

Well done you @Prisonbreak!

Not sure what that's got to do with the OP

Gaslighting is so overused on here it’s ridiculous

@Giraffesandbottom It is gaslighting because he lied and said he mentioned it, when he didn't.

I think the OP would have mentioned if her husband were self employed and running a business single handedly.

@Giraffesandbottom Gaslighting is when someone tries to rewrite history, and tell the vicim what they saw for themselves, didn't happen.

I guess that tells you what you need to know about your relationship away from dc. I’d be really upset and feel like we may as well stay home and do nice evening things (Although I’d probably still be so upset he’d need to arrange stuff to make it up to me).

Unless he has form for doing this, I’d presume that he thought he’d mentioned it.

If it’s only a few hours each day, there’s still plenty of time to do things.

If I had to beg my partner in this way to spend time with me, I'd have lost the desire to spend time with him and I definitely wouldn't be wanting to have sex with him. OPs partner already knows, he just doesn't care.

And when your OH said, prior to leaving, let's plan some things to do on holiday...did you respond by reminding them you'd be working? Or did you, you know, plan stuff... because it's a holiday?

If it’s as you say, it is gaslighting. Insisting he did tell her when he knows he didn’t.

So you think trying to make someone believe they agreed to a "holiday to reconnect" where they'd in fact be spending every day alone because you're working, isn't "trying to fuck with someone"?

The OP would never have agreed to this holiday under those terms, that's why she's upset about it. She didn't forget as he claims, he is lying about having previously told her. That's gaslighting.

I think it is gaslighting. And rude to not be as excited as you.

If I were you id do as others have suggested and go with a friend or cancel that one and do something else solo.

I definitely would not be going on holiday with him while he works. That sounds crap.

This is gaslighting if he is lying to make his life easier and avoid an argument by making you think you have forgotten a conversation so it's your own fault.

Thats very annoying indeed. I would be furious. What is the point of going on holiday if you have to work and haven't even booked the time off.

Gaslighting is exactly what he is doing. Making someone doubt their own memory by lying is clearly gaslighting. No matter what the motivation.

Yes it is.
He has lied and he knows it.

You know it too.

Don't waste your energy getting upset.

Focus on your needs, and what is best for you....because this is what HE is doing.

Ment who lie to manipulate are not long term bets.

Protect yourself.

I think you’re over reacting if it’s only for a few hours each day. Would you not enjoy the time by yourself for a few hours to read a book, listen to a podcast or go for a walk? You’d have lots of quality time together.

This

A bit extreme to use the word gaslighting.
Sounds like you need to communicate better.

Jaysus. The amount of people who came here just to tell the OP that this classic gaslighting move isn’t gaslighting.

This and all those who told my girl on the pineapple thread that she was being over sensitive when she broke up with the guy who negged her after the first time they DTD genuinely makes me wonder whether some members on here are actually abusive men themselves.

I dunno. My husband works every holiday. It used to really piss me off when the kids were younger. I have got used to it now so many years later. I guess it is better than being lazy. Maybe suggest that you guys go somewhere where you will be able to get away from him working... eg a spa might be nice indeed. You don't want to be stuck in a hotel room looking at the back of a laptop and listening to endless tapping.

Partner does tell me stuff but is sometimes repetitive so I don't always pay attention to what he says to me, could it be something like this where he did tell you but you weren't really listening. Really annoys my partner when I do this but I tell him not to go on about the same things and then I'll be more likely to listen properly to everything he says :)

This is ridiculous! I work in a school and we definitely do not ask parents to do this.